I didn't sign up for this

I read the above statement a few months after Ron's accident.  I'd found a support group for family of head injury survivors.  Most were parents of the victim, with a few wives. 

One had enough - he lost his temper with her one day in front of their son and she left him, saying "I didn't sign up for this." 

Then I had planned to segue into a blog about how I didn't think Ron would be where he is now; and how Ron never expected me to have such deep mental issues, but we work it out anyway.  I think I just did that. 

In some ways Ron and I do a lot more for each other than the "average" couple, in other ways we don't.  Watching Divorce Court, I'm amazed how many men say they feel unloved if the house is messy and they have to fix their own dinner.  That's life with me. 

Ron can't admire me visually, but I don't care about that.  He thinks I'm cute and that's all that matters.  He feels loved as he heats up his TV dinner. 

I have a horrible depression today.  We went to Walmart.  What did I buy?  Capris (I finally found a decent solid black - many of this years' styles seem to be a dirty wash with a dorky cuffed hem).  Hot Dogs.  Ice Cream.  Sausage links.  Depression food. 

I need simple foods.  If I won the lotto I'd definitely have a chef, or a multitasker who could cook. 

I hate the anxiety the most; the stupid obsessional thoughts.  I guess that's why I get so frustrated when someone shares they are anxious.  I want to slap them and tell them to get out of it, but it doesn't work for me. 

I hate that small things bother me so much.  I hate it when the neighbors make noise, but that's completely unreasonable.  [sigh]  The whole thing, even aside from the manias, depressions, and psychosis, is just burdensome. 

When God calls me home, one way or another (rapture or death) you can bet I'm going. 

On a more positive note I did find some good capris today.  I just got them off the rack.  I have the receipt if they don't fit.  One time I washed a pair of jeans and the back pocket just dissolved.  It was crazy.  I always hang onto clothing receipts for a while. 

I bought some cheese-on-cheese crackers for work (I won't get paid back but I'm OK with that because I do consume a little merchandise now and then).  I got bug spray - the mosquitos have been really bad lately. 

I also got milk.  Without violating Ron's privacy, I can say we think some protein shakes will be helpful.  They can't hurt. 

I bought some Powerade bottles.  I drank most of it today.  Then I made shakes and put them in the bottles (which are a lot better than anything they had on the shelf).  I made 3 quarts total, one for the fridge, 2 for the freezer. And I have a little milk if I want to do cereal for dinner. 

I do a lot of dinners like that when I'm down.