Not a very positive post

I am so furious at Ron I had to ask God to lead me on what to do.  Yell at him?  Shut up and take it?  Those are pretty much my 2 choices.  I want to do God's will, but I have boundaries, too. 

I couldn't sleep last night.  Apparently the Excedrin I took in the morning affected me adversely.  Just couldn't drop off.  When I did, I had strange dreams and didn't sleep well. 

I got up and got ready for work.  We got picked up on time and things looked to be progressing well.  Then we went to pick up the other blind guy.  He lives a couple miles from us.  We arrived at, I'll call it 6:50.  The driver performed the trip and it came up that he had a pickup time of 7:35.  Like any driver, she called to see if that was a mistake.  She had us (Ron and I) and a slow guy in the front seat.  The driver honked,the guy came and looked out the window.  He was dressed. 

Because he could, the other guy made us wait almost an hour because "I don't like to come out before my pickup time".  Paratransit and dispatch allowed this to happen.  Ron was furious and it set the tone for the day. 

Nothing I did was right, even when I was breaking my back helping him move cases of drinks and helping him stock "his" machine.  He was rude, cruel, and verbally abusive.  He complained constantly.  He got very upset because I made a mistake, I gave the key to the coffee machine to the other vendor before I checked the validator.  We might have made perhaps $8.  But Ron was furious and kept going on about how he pays the bills etc. all I do is waste money.  I told him fine, I'll give you some of mine.  "No, your money is really mine".  I let him know that was not correct and he backed off, but usual verbal/financial abuse stuff. 

We came home.  We had a good ride home but a bit of a wait.  I was OK waiting.  Ron was pretty quiet.  And I managed to take a nap when I got home. 

I got up before Ron did and did my God Time.  If I don't "sneak" like that, I am subject to religious abuse, vitriolic attacks on my faith and against me personally for believing.  You don't like some of the comments?  They are nothing compared to Ron when he gets going.  So I managed to have a peaceable worship time. 

Even Torbie joined in, that was very nice.  She got in my lap and purred while I petted her, did my devotionals, Bible Study, and prayer time (collectively known as "God Time").  I had to use the lint brush when she left, though. 

I love to wear black clothes, and I don't have a black cat.  No, I have a white cat, and two brown tabbies.  Cat hair shows up on everything, especially black.  And I love it.  I like finding a cat hair on my shirt and thinking about the cat who left it there. 

Ron woke up, vicious mood.  Like a cornered rat.  He calmed down, though, and we left.  Good, I thought, we can have a nice little date night and celebrate my last Bible Handout.  It went OK at first. 

We went to the Indian food place.  He got some chicken and pan bread (naan) to go.  Then we went to the taqueria.  You may remember the taqueria is where Ron was - can't dress this up in pretty clothes - sexually harassing the waitress.  She made it into a big joke but I noticed she avoided him today.  I don't blame her.  I would have told the boss and had him banned from the restaurant. 

I ordered my food and ate it.  It was good.  Ron had a beer and became progressively more ugly.  I finally called my aunt to shut him up, figuring, he would behave if he knew I was talking to her.  It was a pretty safe assumption most days.  He doesn't want to "show his color" in front of my family.  He wants to impress them, even though they know all about the verbal abuse. 

Today he kept interrupting me and trying to make me "confess" every mistake I have ever made to her.  He got pretty ugly about it.  I was losing my temper, but kept it bottled. 

The ride came and the waitress pointed it out.  I took Ron out and he verbally abused me on the way to the vehicle.  Some comments "My next woman is going to be able to drive" stuff like that.  Huh.  I thought you believed marriage was for life, Ron. 

Is that after you drive me off, you mean?  I didn't say it but I was this close to unloading on him about crapping all over me, constantly, being so negative, always attacking God, and being ugly to the drivers.  He seemed to pick up on it though, and was nice to the driver on the way home. 

I asked God to show me what to do.  I want nothing more than to go shout at him for a good 10 minutes, but that will just feed his whole "You're unstable, you haven't taken your pills, have you; I'm going to call your doctor!" diatribe. 

He is on the phone now and listening to harp music, so trying to calm himself down, I guess.  I wish I had a treadmill.  I could really use a run right around now (too many loose dogs, I don't have shoes, perverts, etc. are some of the reasons I don't run in public anymore).   Or some weights, if my back wasn't killing me from work and yesterday's Bible Handout. 

Anyway, I'll calm down.  I will work with God on how to establish some boundaries with him.  Years ago, I had to blow up at Ron and tell him I would leave him if he kept up the verbal abuse.  He was totally shocked, but did reform for a while.   Or I could try the calm approach at some point when he is relaxed and see how that goes - I'm leaning that way. 

I am just tired of being used, and used up, and crapped on, not appreciated, etc.  I don't expect him to thank me for every little thing I do but I am tired of him shouting at me all the time. 

I'm the only one who's helping him.  

You think he'd remember that.