Here's one reason I love him

Sunday

 I need to stop watching Hoarders.  It reminds me too much of my sister.  

And yes, she would make a good story.  

Born to a teenage mother.  Both parents alcoholics.  One grandmother who raised her was schizophrenic.  Older brother was the "black sheep" so she had to be "the good girl" and the parent of everyone.  Joined a cult age 16 because they gave her care and concern - only now realizing they were just using her.  I remember she would tell me how the cult would send her to "love bomb" (my words not hers) young girls away from their families for the first time in college - just like the woman did to her.  She didn't see anything wrong with that, morally.  

Now there's a story.  Mom attempts suicide.  Sue goes to the hospital in the waiting room.  A very nice lady lavishes her with concern, gets her number, follows up with her - once Sue is in the cult the woman cut off contact.  Sue basically did the same thing to other young (late teens) girls in college.  World without end... So they used her for that in addition to forcing her to marry another cult member (she "had" to marry one, didn't matter which).  She tried very hard to be a good mother and homeschooled 2 of her kids all the way to college.  The third had a learning disability and had to go to public school.  

Then our mother dies.  That opened a whole bag of worms for her, Mom was living out of her car at the time so very few possessions.  Mom's mom died, the schizophrenic.  She had tons of crap she left to Sue and Sue kept it all, even broken furniture "because it matched".  Then the other grandmother (not mine we are half siblings) died and Sue took all her stuff.  

But here's the thing: OLD PEOPLE DIE.  Get USED to it.  They were all in their late 80's except my mother, it is EXPECTED they are going to die.  And she has been in therapy for years and is worse off mentally than when she started.  But she uses it as an excuse to hoard "I haven't gone through it".  Were they GOOD to you?!  NO!  Why would you want to keep their crap?  Do you think it will make them love you from beyond?  NO.  Huck it all in the DUMPSTER it is worthless!  

So no I could never "help" on one of those shows if she ever did it.  When I cut off contact she did not tell her children she stalked me afterward so they blocked me on Facebook.  As far as the kids are concerned I went after their mother for "no reason".  That is OK, we weren't close, I hope they have a good life.  But she goes around painting herself as the victim to EVERYONE.  She doesn't know how to be an overcomer; just a victim.  And that is her biggest problem.  

If she is reading this: Stop being a victim.  Be an overcomer and make a good life for yourself, it's only too late when you're dead.  

Anyway, done with that.  

I got up at 5 when I gave Ron his pills.  He had a lot of sleep talking last night so I didn't sleep great.  Sometimes, when I don't sleep, I can't go back to sleep.  

So I got up.  I did my God Time and took a shower.  Now, living where I do I am blessed to be surrounded by MANY grocery stores, several on my bus line, one only minutes away.  I decided I would like some decaf coffee for today and some nice leaded coffee for tomorrow.  I decided to go to the "Joe V's".  

I got dressed, got my stun gun, checked on Ron and left.  He asked for fresh pineapple which I love to get him as it's anti-inflammatory.  I had to cross a busy street to get to the bus stop but very little traffic that early.  I said "Good Morning" to the bus driver as I boarded and she helped me out.  I signaled my stop too early, she figured it out and said she could just go to the next one if I wanted, I said thank you and meant it.  

I got off.  Then I had to cross the busy street again and it was busier.  I had had enough Mountain Dew at home I was pretty anxiety ridden with all these SUV's (store in a decent area) whizzing by.  Not much fun, I termed it "eeky" but I did it.  

I went in the store, got Ron's pineapple first.  Then I went over to the coffee section.  They had a decent selection.  Joe V's is all about generics so I took a look.  I bought some decaf, a Columbian (I prefer a dark roast) and a Pecan roast that sounded good.  I can have the pecan for breakfast tomorrow.  

I also found a croissant with a cream filling (vanilla) which looked good so I got that.  I paid and waited at the bus stop.  My bags were heavy so I set them on the ground, and ate the croissant.  It was pretty good.  Would I buy it again?  Not sure.  The bus came about the time I finished.  

The way the bus is routed I had enough time to see it coming and pick up my bags (I had already put my mask on after eating) before it pulled up.  An easy ride to the subdivision.  Walked home.  

I was rather offended.  There are 2 bad dogs in a rent house at an intersection I must pass to get to the bus stop.  They are kept in the backyard and the fence is falling down.  They always get very aggressive when I walk by.  They did the first time I passed.  

On my way home, a guy playing a radio, on a bicycle (all dog triggers) rode right past that yard and nothing - just a little grumble from one dog.  They got a whiff of me and got very aggressive.  I can only figure they smelled the cats on me.  

I got home, put the pineapple in the fridge, and had a snack.  Ron woke up.  He wanted pineapple and ate a few pieces, said they were delicious.  Then he went back to sleep.  Now neither of us slept well last night so I'm going to let him sleep all day if he wants.  

I did a load of laundry and watched Hoarders.  Which reminded me of my screwed up family.  

And there we are.  

Saturday afternoon

 I had a pretty good night and morning.  

I did decide to break out the coffee pot (had been living on top of the kitchen cabinets), rearrange things so the crock pot and rice pot could go live where the coffee pot was, the coffee pot come down (happily today was not a day for dizzy spells).  

A shower later, I ordered some dark roast coffee and an outlet timer.  The plan, the coffee pot starts up at 4:30 in the morning and helps get me out of bed for pill time.  It is VERY tempting to just hit the snooze alarm.  

Ron, rightly, panics if I am even a little late with his pills so my goal's to get it done around 4:50.  I can drink some coffee before hand and give him the medicine, then go back to bed.  Or say up.  

And coffee is much more compact than diet soda, and easier to brew than tea.  

So, I tried to take a nap.  

I laid down, 2 cats in the bed, crowded but found an acceptable position.  Drifting off.  Power went out.  Drifted off.  Power came on.  Drifted off...DING DONG it's FEDEX with the package that wasn't coming for days - props to my Amazon seller (Katy Med something) and FEDEX for bringing it early.  They even put it in the chair so it wouldn't get wet.  Opened it, checked it out, put it in my closet.  Ron has bed bath for a year now.  

Went back to bed (still 2 cats).  Drifted off.  Ron yelling for food woke me up again so I just said [censored] it and got up.  He liked the Zatarain's Dirty Rice.  

I try to respect the good things about his family, like his Dad loved gardening, we talk about that sometimes.  His Mom was a good cook and very organized.  I attended enough family meals to know dirty rice was a featured dish at all the holiday dinners.  

SO I got it because it's the Christmas/holiday season and I thought it might be a little taste of home.  He didn't want to eat it until today, but he did love it so I will be getting more.   He also likes a gumbo available at Walmart.  Richard's Chicken and Sausage gumbo, that's it.  https://www.walmart.com/grocery/ip/Richard-s-Cajun-Favorites-New-Single-Serve-Bowls-Chicken-Sausage-Gumbo-12-oz/10850029  He adores it.  Gumbo was another holiday dish for his family.  

I like to respect what I can out of Ron's past.  One reason I don't care when he talks to an old lover.  It's his past, she is, and I am the one in the present.  I'm the one he married.  I don't worry about it.  

Anyway, I'm glad he liked it.  I have explained to Ron I am stretched a bit thin right now so it's going to be "easy" meals for us.  Half the time when I leave the house I come back with a bag of takeout.  I don't have time or energy to prepare a lot from scratch.  And he loves the club sandwich sliders I make.  

So I have another tool.  Very happy about that.  

And Ron has a good grip I have a lot on my plate.  That's good for him to understand he isn't making unreasonable demands.  I don't want him to worry I'm about to snap but he does need to understand I am a human being with limits.  

So that's it for now.  

Cleo on my quilt

Nice and round!

Friday afternoon

 Today's been pretty quiet.  I got my heated mattress pad out of the garage and plugged it in, it doesn't  work.  I threw it out, I don't need to burn down the house trying to cheap it out.  

I just got a quilt I love out of the garage.  It was a Walmart find about 20 years ago, has washable silk and velvet panels, very luxurious to the touch, but washable.  Then I figured out how to layer my bed.  Cotton sheet, wool blanket, fleece blanket, quilt.  That should be plenty.  I do get a fair amount of drafts around the cat door but that also means fresh air so I am OK with that.  

I ran into a vegan online.  Now I have a vegan brother in law and I believe my stepsister is as well - I don't see how the marriage would work if she wasn't.  Someone said once, years ago "If they couldn't talk about it no one would be a vegetarian" (This is before "vegan" was a thing).  Another person recently mentioned "They all look like hell with bad skin, old, and teeth falling out".  

I also mentioned Kitten Lady and her nasty trick last year talking about some pet turkeys as though they were everyone's pets and how sad it was everyone wanted to eat them, etc.  That all the turkeys wanted to do was run around in the sun and eat fruit.  The post was designed to make the reader feel guilty and ruin their holiday.  It was a very cheap trick.  

Now I care about rescuing cats so I didn't unfollow her.  But she also does the same thing with pigs, "saving" small pigs and raising them as pets, trying to show their "worthiness" of love and being a pet vs. a dinner.  She feels that is the best way to do it.  She also talked about "writing her mother letters from the dead animals in the fridge" when she was growing up.  

It's just that militant "holier than thou" attitude I don't like.  And some might say "Well, Heather you share your faith and that could be seen as holier than thou".  But I share it in love and concern.  

But I really think it goes to the whole "If I couldn't talk about my food lifestyle I would scream" thing.  They have to do it, have to moralize and look down.  

Me?  I don't want you to go to hell.  And if you are hell bound to marry someone of the same sex or whatever I will "respect" that, not endorse it because the Bible is clear.  But I won't lecture you.  

Too bad they can't endorse the meat lifestyle.  A guy actually wrote a book he used to be a vegan, became very ill, his doctor advised a meat diet, he began eating meats and regained his health.  How healthy is a "lifestyle" that requires the purchase and consumption of many specialty foods?  I am including low carb in that.  There, I'm done. 

I am tired I am going to bed.  I felt horrible I was a little late with Ron's pill tonight but he is OK.  

Thanksgiving recap

 My uncle picked me up around 11, I went to their house and had a very good time.  It was a little iffy taking my paper plate of food to the table.  Hand tremors and all.  But I did it I used both hands.  It was my aunt, uncle, one cousin, and me.  So well within any virus regulations.  

She did a traditional spread with turkey, dressing (it was fantastic), gravy (also fantastic), carrot and raisin salad, green bean casserole, bread rolls.  Everything was very good.  The weather was nice enough we ate outside and had a visit from a neighbor cat who came through but didn't say hi.  He is apparently quite interested in the bird feeder.  😂

Oh, and two kinds of pie I would bet money she made her own crusts.  The pies were also really good.  We had good company, I talked too much about the cats but they were nice about it.  They brought me home right before Pill Time because Ron didn't want to take the pill I left him, he wanted to wait for me.  ALSO he had lost his radio so I had to help him find it.  He was fine as long as he had his radio.  

My aunt met a woman who needs discipling.  I think that is the best term, so my aunt requested 1.  Easy to read Bible with large print.  2.  My "Where to look in the New Testament" bookmarks.  I also added a few other things I felt would help "A Bible Study on John" from World Missionary Press, etc.  Hopefully that will help.  

She may end up reading the blog so I will just keep it at that.  

I was happy to help because we have all had Bad Times.  Hopefully she will find what she needs.  

Then I sent my aunt on her way.  When we do Thanksgiving she sends me home (at my request) with a Ziploc bag with stuffing, gravy, and meat.  We did that.  Ron had some last night and more for breakfast.  Of all things he wanted it, this morning, on a hot dog bun.  I had them so I did that for him.  He loved it and that is ALL that mattered.  

Ron was fine taking care of himself except for losing his radio.  That was nice to know I didn't have to worry next time I go out.  I will work on making a "leash" for the radio when he wakes up. 

I called my Dad.  They were on the phone with the "black sheep" child so they said they would call me back, and did.  They had a quiet evening at home because I believe 2 family members (one grandson and her daughter) had been travelling and they did not want to risk a COVID exposure.  I thought it was funny she told me she cooked a chicken for dinner, but my aunt showed me a text (at her place) saying she was doing a rotisserie chicken from Costco.  Dad seemed happy there was gravy.  He is a huge gravy lover and used to eat the congealed gravy out of the fridge whenever his mom made it.  I sent him a picture of my aunt's gravy (she made quite a bit) and he was very excited by that and had a nice memory walk.  

I was pretty tired so I went to bed early.  I slept great.  I woke up at 5 and gave Ron his medication, then we both went back to sleep.  Times like 5 AM pill time I am very tempted to set up a coffee pot on a timer.  I have a coffee pot, actually.  I may consider that.  

I want 5 AM because I leave the house at 5 on delivery days and that makes it easier for me, same time every day, and any epilepsy expert will tell you it is really important to be consistent on the dosing as well.  He isn't having any seizures doing it this way, and he was having multiple in a single night before, I don't mind doing it this way.  

Then I went back to sleep for a couple hours which I do, days I am not working. I got up, took my pills, checked on Ron, fed him, took care of the cats, etc.  My aunt has one fridge too hot and one too cold that is NO good especially with all the leftovers.  I am praying for a cheap fix.  

And it's Black Friday and I have $20 in my account.  But all my bills are paid so there's that.  

Wednesday afternoon

 Still pretty horribly depressed today.  I really hope I am better tomorrow.  Caffeine helps but then feeds a million anxieties.  

Just not fun to be me today.  Ron woke me up from my nap wanted a snack, took 2 bites and had me put it back in the fridge.  A couple minutes later he asked me to come help he thought he had an open "pee cup" in the bed.  I told him no, he didn't, and emptied the ones he did have sealed up.  I then talked to him about getting some home care supplies he was down with that.  

I just don't have the cash to buy them, but they are very useful.  One item I don't have and the other I am getting lowish on so I want more while I can still get it (no rinse body bath - I think my stepmother was horrified to see that on one wish list).  He said fine so I got them, a set of washable bed pads and a gallon of body wash, should last us a year or so.  

I haven't discussed the depression with him but am OK with that, besides he went back to sleep.  Not really fair to wake him up like that.  Especially since there's not much he can do to help.  

I think I will make some iced tea and go sit outside for a while.  

I did that.  Torbie joined me, good times in the lap, lots of petting, lots of shedding all over me and digging her claws in my boob, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  As I said, good times.  

I decided I wanted a pizza so I ordered one.  I generally only order pizza when I am battling depression.  But it should be good and hold me for a while.  

When I came back in the house and sat down, Biscuit attempted to jump in my lap, missed, dug in his claws.  Now I am bleeding and covered in 2 cats' worth of hair.  But they're my babies.  

I am looking forward to the pizza.  

Wednesday morning

 I am engaged in a battle of wills with Biscuit.  

He has food in his bowl, and threw up some of what he did eat.  I don't want to feed him more.  He doesn't agree, he is 'Out" there is only 1/3 cup in his bowl.  We will see how that goes.  

He has a thing where he comes up next to me on the computer, puts his front paws on my leg with claws out.  It is not pleasant (oh!  He's going to eat!) and tears up my clothes.  My legs were bare this morning so he had raw skin.  I am not a fan of claws in skin.  Yup, he is eating.  I "won".  

I slept OK last night Ron didn't wake me up, depression either, just 8 hours ish.  Ron lost his blanket so was very happy to hear me in the bathroom so I could "save" him.  With things lately I made sure to give him the washable blanket.  

I got my shower, still battling depression.  I had 3 Diet Mountain Dews (16.9 ounce).  I suspect aspartame is a component in my depression but that's all I want to drink, diet soda and Crystal lights which are LOUSY with it.  

I will try to drink other things and see how that goes.  My Wellbutrin makes me very thirsty.  I am just ready to be done with the depression.  

Depression of course makes anxiety worse and I have worries about many things, the business, Ron's health, etc.  I worry I will get sick and he will have to go to a group home, which is a "thing".  Lots of things to worry about IF I LET IT.  But I can't do that.  

I need to plan, like when I am going to go back to Sam's Club, work, etc.  Will I take the bus and save $25 on transportation?  Things like that.  

But sitting there worried (or lying in bed at night, another one) freaking out about what might happen is off the table.  And now Torbie is lying on my foot BUT THEY HAVE FOOD.  I am not wasting food in a pandemic with my budget.  They will live.  I have noticed they do eat what is in the bowls when they get tired of begging.  

So, on a healthy note I will likely have a tuna salad with boiled egg and lots of mayo for lunch, when I eat at 11.  Plenty of healthy fats which I have found do help my mood.  No more aspartame today and I will see how that goes.  I need to be functional, and I am.  I could be better and I hope I will but I am OK right now.  

And Torbie is sharpening on the love seat.  That's OK I got my couches so they could be scratched up (really, no sarcasm).  I like a couch with some claw marks it says a cat is happy to live here.  It also means I bought some of the cheapest couches in the Ikea showroom.  And that is fine, they hold my butt up and are comfortable.  

And more anxiety "How to get Ron more active".  Well, he is ASLEEP now so not now!  

Monday! And most of Tuesday

  Yesterday was pretty crazy.  I overslept (got up at 5 for pill time, went back to bed, messed up alarm).  I went to the warehouse and then to work.  I stocked everything and came home, pretty wiped out.  

I took care of Ron and went to bed early.  

Today was a bad day for Ron, in pain and "feeble" feeling.  Both of course make me feel helpless.  He asked me to make a hemp tincture which I did.  Tincture

It will be a month or so before it is ready but I used the legal stuff, and it may work for headaches as well as his overall pain.  It will either work or it won't but only out a few grams if it doesn't.  I had the better part of a 7 gram jar from last year as I am not crazy about smoking it.  And I can buy more hemp, legally, at the head shop, if it does.  

So in that regard today sucked, but I did get to sleep in, have some quality time with the cats and online, work is TOTALLY done so I don't have to worry about it for a while.  

I am moderately depressed and doing OK with that, but not horrible.  I didn't get a nap today, not tired.  I will go to bed early tonight.  

Ron even had me trim his nails, I was having a good day for hand tremors (minimal), and I did a pretty good job.  They were a little ragged but he can file them down.  

I need to figure out dinner, but I will, for both of us.  He hasn't been very hungry.  

Saturday and Sunday

 Yesterday was pretty quiet and uneventful.  Literally, all I really remember is doing a load of laundry.  

I went back to bed this morning after giving Ron his pills.  I had a pretty good sleep but did wake up with a persistent headache I have had all day, too.  

I seem to be running 2 weeks of headaches during the tail end of my cycle.  Food, etc. doesn't seem to matter but caffeine can help.  

I got up, did my God Time, arranged tomorrow with Jack.  We will be making an inventory run.  I am debating staying an extra couple hours at work so I can stock Monday vs. coming back and paying $50 round trip for a Uber just to stock bottled sodas.  Or I may see if Ron will come in with me.  

Yes, I know I am "supposed" to keep him home but I get a little resentful doing all the work while he literally lays around all day.  I will have to talk to Ron about it.  

Or I could just stock them hot and leave a note but I don't like that the customers have come to expect cold drinks from us, and I have a couple hours of work already between the snack machines, canned soda, etc. Add another hour or two and those drinks would be NICE and cold.  

Well I just talked to him he absolutely does not want to go in, muttered about not liking the wheelchair and the mask.  That is his call but one thing I always respected about him for so long was his work ethic.  

His Dad worked in the trades and at one time fell off a third floor roof, got up, and went back to work.  Ron always spoke highly of that.  Now this.  I have to think a lot of it is the alcohol because this is NOT my husband.  

But, on the other hand, I don't need to worry about him catching the virus either.  I will just remember to bring my knitting.  [sigh]  I just hate the "news" channels they do.  I am a conservative, the channels are not.  And I don't get to pick them being a lowly contract vendor.  I think I will see if I can get a pair of headphones to work with my cell phone and bring some if I can, listen to "my" music.  I do like that Youtube subscription.  I can listen to praise music or whatever.  

It won't be bad I already have a lot of work and then I can go home and forget about work the rest of the week.  It's not like I will go in, load the fridge, have 20 minutes of work, sit around for 3 hours, and then stock the bottled vendor.  More likely I will have 3 hours of work and 30 minutes of waiting.  I will make sure to take some breaks, too, normally I just work on my feet 'till I'm done (what a good little hamster! 😂) but I can stock a soda machine, take a couple minutes, move on to the next one, etc.  That will eat up more time.  

I put a seizure pill in a bottle by Ron's bed so he has that if, for some reason, I am incredibly late getting home.  I can't see that but you never know and I feel better knowing it is there.  

I just want to make sure the customer has a good vending experience.  That is VITAL to me.  I have had bad vending experiences like all of us over the years and I remember I felt so betrayed.  I don't ever want my customers to feel that way.  So I will do that.  

I did talk to Ron a little about my feelings and he said he is worried about catching the virus.  I am not, really.  My only fear I would catch it and pass it on to someone else.  So I take measures, vitamins, mask, supplements, etc.  

I am charging his cell phone tonight, by my alarm clock.  I forgot to take it off the charger the last time I went to work and felt horrible when Ron shared his concern he couldn't find his phone, when I got home.  And there it was laughing at me.  He was OK though.  

I got all the clothes put away and the ones for tomorrow laid out so I will have an easy time tomorrow.  But Ron started screaming he had an "emergency".  I ran in the bedroom only to find Torbie had knocked the treat canister off of Ron's belly and had her head in there up to the ears feasting.  To him, that was an "emergency".  I didn't agree.  

I will have a little talk with him at some point about husbands who cry wolf.  

The rest of Friday

 I got up at midnight to help Ron, cleaned up, ran a load of laundry on soak, then ran it regular cycle (unbeatable clean doing that), put it in the dryer, went back to bed around 3:30.  

Note: I did not spend 3 hours cleaning, I cleaned up for maybe 20 minutes and then did laundry while I worked on the computer.  

I got up again at 5 to give Ron his pills, then went back to bed and got up again around 8.  I took a shower and did my God Time, helped Ron, etc.  More computer time.  I got the Walmart delivery which most notably featured disposable bed pads (👍) and cherry cheesecake ice cream.  I had to fight to make the room in my freezer for the ice cream but worth it.  The ice cream was divine, has no migraine triggers, even the cats liked licking the bowl.  

Then Ron gave them treats I hope they don't get sick!  I tried to take a nap, but headache today so I had taken Excedrin and no sleep for me!  I got up again and got back on the computer.  

I have a piece of bad siding so I went out and tinkered with it (it is a board not the sheet of wood) and repainted it hoping that would help.  It is really nice to have a pretty full gallon of housepaint on hand, stir stick, key to open the paint can, etc.  I also patched up a little damage somewhere else and will paint that tomorrow after it dries.  

We may need to find a handyman to fix the siding, though.  I know there is a spot by my bedroom and the one in the front, the rest are OK.  I shudder to think "how much" but we do have a little saved.  I would rather not spend it but as a homeowner these things do come up.  And it would be great to have a good handyman on call.  

Greg used to do very good work when he started but became less reliable and the workmanship really suffered.  If I am going to pay someone I want them to do a quality job.  It doesn't have to be perfect but show some pride in your work!   Ron had a halo effect going with him - the guy could do no wrong - because he reminded Ron of his Dad.  

I found Carlos off Home Advisor so I would use them again.  He was fantastic and gave me a great deal - and I know it. 

So we will see about that hopefully the paint will hold it for a while.  I would rather not have work done round the holidays, it seems to me when I have had work done they always want to pay off the credit card by charging me way more than seems fair.  

Ron had a good idea to call Jack.  I think I will talk to him about it, tell him of course we will pay him.  He does a lot of home repairs at his place so maybe he could take a stab at the siding.  

Just waiting on Ron's backup massage wand to be delivered.  It is supposed to come sometime today.  

I also need to figure out my budget for Sam's club, I have to pay Jack for his help with that, pay renewal fee, etc.  I have had an unholy mating of my funds going into the business this pay period and need to see how much I get to keep.  While still buying a good assortment of inventory.  

I will figure it out.  

Thursday and some of Friday

 Yesterday was pretty crazy. We were about out of seizure pills so we had to get Ron to the doctor.  I had all the fun of getting Ron ready, bath, dress, into wheelchair.  He had some trouble getting into the wheelchair but we did it.  

Then a long ride to the doctor's office.  The doctor is about 15 minutes away but we had another pickup.  We finally got there, early.  

They saw us early.  Notable things: Ron is having seizures due to scar tissue in his brain from the old head injury.  Doc is keeping him on Keppra as it works for him.  Ron got the lecture on taking as directed.  Ron is already pretty good about that.  

Ron was having some pain so he had me bring the back massager, as I found outlets we plugged in.  Doc found it amusing.  

11:30 found us in the waiting room, Ron vibrating away and me outside waiting on the ride.  There was a rather sullen, demanding, entitled woman waiting on a paratransit ride as well.  I really hoped we would not ride together; we didn't.  She "went off" on the driver because he was only picking up Ron and me.  But again, we picked up someone (took his sweet time coming out; and I found it very sad with 3-4 vehicles in good condition, at the house,  none of the other residents could give him a ride).  Then we had to drop him at the barber shop.  NOW we could go home.  

Poor Ron was a wreck.  I got him into bed and plugged in the massager, gave it to him.  I got him settled and went to Walmart as Doc is very old school and gave us a paper prescription for the seizure pills.  I turned that in and then had them redo the blood pressure pills which were about run out as well.  It took a while to fill, I did a little shopping.  

I was quite happy to hear both meds, 3 months, were only $48.  I can hardly wait to refill my medication.  I will make a political statement and say my prescription drug prices went way down under Trump. That is important because I have to take this - Ron has to take this, to stay alive.  Very nice someone is listening.  

And aren't I glad I turned comments off I would get a ton of flames for that.  

I paid and had enough left to call Arturo.  I did and he took me home.  I had bought Ron a bucket of fried chicken and it scented the vehicle, happily Arturo likes fried chicken.  I got home, Ron was snoring.  It was a hard day for him.  

I put everything away.  I did up Ron's pills for another week.  I woke Ron up at 5 and gave him his pills.  He ate some fried chicken later. 

I went to bed pretty early as I was tired. Ron woke me up, needing help, around midnight.  It was quite a bit of cleanup.  

[shakes fist] Curse you, fried chicken!  That's what Ron blamed.  

So I did a load of laundry I don't like "eww-y" stuff sitting around the house if I can avoid it.  And I'm not so rich I can afford to throw it away.  I also decided to order some Walmart delivery items (some I couldn't find at the store) for today.  

And there it is the washer is done.  Everything looks great.  

My secret ick recipe for laundry: 1/4 cup baking soda (for odors), 1/4 cup each borax and washing soda, one detergent pack (Tide) for soak cycle.  After soak is done add another pack.  It is unbeatable.  And the "add ons" are cheap and easily obtained on the laundry aisle at the store.  It was a microfiber sheet so I used the "cool lights" water setting.  

Speaking of the store they had a ton of turkeys, but I am doing Thanksgiving with my aunt, uncle, and likely one cousin this year.  I got Ron a hungry man dinner even though my aunt always gives me a to go plate for Ron, and he eats it.  

I noticed egg shortages, but those have been ongoing, and hamburger was very low.  I didn't want either so I didn't care.  I got the fake Nutrigrain bars I like those when I am taking my pills, some soda, etc.  

They didn't have the aloe baby powder but other than that it wasn't bad.  

Anyway if I go to bed now I will get an hour and a half of sleep so I'm going to do that.  I did find it odd; #2 is a young woman who has friends over regularly, but they are all very quiet so I don't mind.  It is not uncommon to find a car in front of my house but I don't care about that anymore.  

But I looked out the window around 2 AM and saw the car had it's lights on.  I guess someone either just got home or was leaving for an early shift.  But I'm not worried.  I just thought it odd we were up at the same time and no noise outside.  

You will remember me furious about #6 and their damned diapers all the time SLAMMING the lid on their trash can several times a night, every night.  I had to take out a bag of trash around 12:30 AM but I was super careful and very quiet doing so.  I don't want to be THAT neighbor.  

The cats are bad enough!  

Wednesday

 If I had a dollar for every "Medicare" mailer I have gotten lately I could buy a whole truck full of inventory.  

I did NOT sleep well last night, someone's dog (not immediately adjoining my yard) was yapping on and off last night.  Ambulance YAP YAP YAP for a good 5 minutes.  Someone with a loud muffler - YAP YAP YAP for several minutes.  I went outside today to sit in the sun and I heard it, it is on the cross street to mine and is likely a chihuahua by the sound of the barking.  I am not a fan of the breed they are aggressive (the ones I have met), high-strung, and NEVER SHUT UP.  I will turn up my noisemaker louder tonight.  

Ron needed help on the toilet right after I went to bed so that wasn't much fun either.  But I took my shower last night (and tonight) so I DID NOT have to take it this morning.  Which is a good thing, I meant to get up at 3 and overslept till 4:06.  

I took a Uber to work.  The delivery arrived at 6:20 I was so happy I almost cried.  Then I had to stock it!  Once I finished that I did my other tasks and came home.  I called Jack, so we could go through a drive through.  

I got home, ate my food, and took a nap.  I woke up with a vile headache.  I took something and drank some tea, that helped.  

I sat outside with Torbie for a while.  

I finally got a good shot my hands were not shaking.  

She looks so pretty with the sun on her fur.  She has figured out Ron's vibrating massager and likes to lay on it.  He doesn't mind.  I came in and fed Ron an eggroll (his request), then made myself a PB&J for dinner.  Ron's was looking pretty tired so I made him another one, too.  

I made the trips for tomorrow they look good.  I have everything we will need.  I plan to go to bed pretty soon.  

That's it for now.  

Tuesday

 I slept OK but woke up with another headache.  I think the last week of headaches go to variable hormone levels as my cycle is due in about a week.  

I got up, took care of Ron, shower, God Time, cats.  Ron went back to sleep after I gave him his pills so I had to wait until he woke up.  

I always tell him when I am leaving.  One time I did not and he was pretty distraught when I got home.  But I hate to wake him up and one doctor basically said to let him sleep as much as possible.  He woke up, we talked.  He wanted a slider, I made one.  Then I left.  

I didn't have to wait too long for the bus, and had an easy time getting to the Asian grocery.  I went straight for the tea section.  I think it is funny I know how to read the word "tea" in Vietnamese.  They had a huge long aisle of it.  I bought some herbal remedies, a jar of (just looked at it, not a jar, just in mylar) Genmaicha (green tea with roasted rice in it, gives it a really good flavor), some oolong in a nice tin, and a package of Tuo Cha Pu-erh tea.  I like pu-erh but it was hard to find and they had a 40 foot aisle of tea.  I guess it is not a big seller.  This was marketed as "cholesterol reducing" which doesn't matter to me.  I just like the flavor.  

The whole store reeked of fish but it wasn't a rotten smell, just a seafaring one.  One thing I regret I saw some fried fish skin "chips".  I would have loved to buy them and take a photo for the vending business' web page.  I bought a pretty little melamine bowl with flowers all around the rim, only $1.40 and I can use it for dipping or something.  

I found their cold tea section and hit it hard.  I have never had Bubble Tea.  I bought some (after carefully checking the label).  It was good but not likely to get it again.  Then I got my favorite jasmine green tea.  It is very good and sugar free.  Then I got a bottle of black "lemon tea" which was worlds better than lipton.  

I checked out.  They had pretty long lines and I watched the clerk punching up numbers for all the produce, etc.  She was very skilled.  

Then I went to the Chinese restaurant in the parking lot.  I had 3 bags but manageable.  I was a little worried they weren't open but someone exited the restaurant right as I approached.  I entered and made the order to go.  He said it was fine to drink the can of Diet Coke in the building so I did.  Then I put the mask on again.  

I put the food on one arm and the 3 bags from the grocery store on the other arm, went to the bus stop.  NOT a long wait.  A rental van pulled up next to me as I got off the bus, and followed me, very slowly keeping pace with me and stopping when I stopped (twice).  I said f#ck that and got out my stun gun, showed it to him, he left.  @sshole.  I kept seeing him so I walked slowly and waited for him to leave before I turned on my street.  So I was holding 4 bags and the stun gun.  Happily the tremors (in my hands) were OK with that.  

I went in, told Ron about the butthead and gave him his eggrolls.  He said he wasn't hungry but ate most of one eggroll.  The food was still hot.  Just now he ate about a cup and a half of fried rice, not bad for him.  

I put everything away and took a nap. I woke up with a resumed headache.  Really sick of these things.  I may end up buying some feverfew.  It acts as a preventive.  

I took another shower tonight so I don't have to bother with it tomorrow morning.  It will be an early day and possibly a long one.  BUT I brought my knitting so I at least have something to do other than watch/listen to the "news" 

Ron and the cats are good; that's it for now.  

Monday

  I slept OK.  I only had the sheet on the bed because I was still drying the wool blanket and I had the fleece blanket in the dryer.  Seemed pointless to wash one blanket and not the other, and the fleece is easy to do.  

I got up, did not do my God Time (will when I "hang up" here 😂) took my shower, took care of Ron, etc.  I headed off to work.  I did inventory, took the money ("did a pull"), counted it (not much, but enough), wrote up my soda delivery, and stocked.  I left and went to the bank, turned "all" those $1 bills into $20's which everyone loves.  

I don't know if I mentioned I was prepared to give the business a third of my pay to buy more inventory.  We had enough I don't need to do that, so I have a nice gift there I was not expecting.  I called Jack, who picked me up and ran me through a drive through.  I got Ron dinner and myself a couple of $1 chicken sandwiches.  They were very good until I got to the piece of ONION!  Raw and sharp!  Horrors!  I hate onion and went straight to a headache.  I think I have the food intolerance for tomatoes, onions, and garlic which would explain why I don't like Italian food (Chef Boyardee doesn't count 😂) other than that it was a good snack.  

Ron was pretty groggy/sleepy all day so I didn't try to rouse him.  I put both blankets on the bed and took a nap.  I did wash up very well after I got home.  I had a pretty good nap except for the ONION headache.  I really detest eating raw onions in any form.  But I took something when I got up so I should be OK in a while.  

I got rid of the work boots I wore today, they were over a year old but not supporting my feet.  I was standing in front of the bank and my feet were just aching.  I need something better than that.  Oddly enough the Walmart $15 sneakers (Men's 9W) do a really good job for quite a while.  I will pick up another pair when I get Ron's medicine this week.   

It was a little cool for me, I wore a hoodie and jeans with my t-shirt.  That is pretty much winter wear in my corner at least.  I am still working on the poncho which I can use on very cold days.  It is basically 3 foot square with a hole for my head, in garter stitch, a very thick yarn.  So it should be very cozy.  It is simple enough I can pick it up and put it down at will.  I will be taking it to work on Wednesday because even though they CLAIM I will be an early stop they have been running pretty late, lately.  And it is a small order we are a tiny account for them.  I know my place.  😛

I was considering going to Sam's tomorrow but Jack can't go even if I was set on it.  He is going fishing, I believe, and I hope he has fun.  He is smart in that he does these "little" things for himself while he still can because pretty soon it's too late.  As it works I will have to go to Sam's Monday, with our schedules.  

I will need to take Ron to the doctor Thursday and Jack can't help Friday, and I don't know when I will leave work Wednesday.  But I will have some canned soda at least.  I am just happy I can get canned soda, and the Sam's.

Tomorrow is my day off and I plan to finally go to the store and get my tea. That is the plan at any rate.  The grocery store is on my bus line (like a lot of grocery stores interestingly enough) so I can ride the bus both ways.  It's not a big walk as it goes I just need to bring my stun gun, as there are 2 very BAD dogs on my route and a very decrepit fence.  

Ron's finally up and fairly alert.  That is good to see.  I need to "pill" him in about an hour.  

That's it for now.  

Sunday morning

 I've had a bad headache the last couple days.  I am trying to stay positive.  

Just for fun: Christmas wish list.  I don't "need" anything but the new Bible would be nice as my old one really is falling apart.  And the Bible covers.  Maybe some shams for the pillows in the front room (I have the stuffer just not the envelope).  And I can always use more sheets for me.  

It is funny, this year I worked very hard at getting Ron enough sheets as we have occasional bedding changes and I like to always have a spare.  But me?  I have 2, count them, 2 sets of sheets.  One is a nice cotton, one is a poly blend.  Both work fine but I could use another set.  Anyway... my family are getting the same list and THAT is where the tablet goes, Dad has mentioned he might get it for me, he can't imagine me living without a tablet.  And it would benefit him as I could do zoom calls with him.  

So, I worked on that.  The cats love Temptations treats.  

We had some excitement yesterday (nothing bad but a lot of work) so I watched USA network.  They had some decent movies.  I had to laugh at Dr Strange as he has very bad tremors, that's what's driving him the whole movie, he can't use his hands properly.  

And here I am, I had just joined a tremors group on Facebook.  Apparently lithium tremors "count".  They are very nice.  So I have various groups on Facebook including the Epilepsy Caregiver group.  So I watched that while I did laundry.  

I don't use bleach for cleaning as Ron hates it.  But I did use it on the load of white towels and it did a very good job. And I couldn't smell it.  

I went to bed, slept OK considering I had a headache (not a migraine about a "4" on a 1-10), got up, gave Ron his pills, back to bed.  Ron went to sleep, usually does after his seizure pill.  I noticed my red wool blanket was getting a little gamey.  I can't wash it in the washer; I can't dry clean it as it has some nylon holding it together.  I have to hand wash which I don't do very often.  

But I had some energy this morning so I dissolved some homemade laundry detergent (I kept a big jar of that when I cleaned out, as it is great for hand-wash, can't use it in an HE though) in warm water, got the blanket soaking in the tub.  It soaked up so much water I had to add more.  I will give it another hour or two soaking in the tub and then begin the rinse process.  I brought the plastic chair into the garage so I can drape the blanket like I did Ron's electric one a little while ago.  

Headache means I am not going to the store.  There is also a chance of rain and it is very windy out, I think we had a cold front arrive and that's what caused my headache.  I just don't feel up for it.  

Happily no sex crimes TV today so I can just turn it on and enjoy without all these sobbing women talking about being defiled.  I don't see how people can watch that.  I did, for a while, but I guess I have a tender heart.  Today is NCIS LA which is fine.  

I will go do my God Time after I finish this.  That, I "have" to do.  

Friday morning

 Ron and I decided to try and see if he could take his seizure pill by himself this morning.  He did a good job.  One load off my back.  

I had a dream about my sister last night and not a good one.  I woke up glad I had cut her out of my life.  A couple reasons: narcissist, plays head games, hoarder.  Very insolent and entitled employee told the boss "go ahead and fire me" walking off the job one day.  I don't think she realizes how few employers will put up with someone "sickly" and so many head games.  She was also defrauding her employer by taking personal counseling sessions 3x a week under workers comp "post traumatic" from a client tried (and failed) to rape her she basically saw him naked and ran off.  And I always come back to she was very healthy for over 20 years with her husband and kids, kids started moving out and suddenly she has a major lifelong health issue.  I just couldn't buy it. Exposed me to C. diff on one occasion can you imagine if I had brought that home to Ron?  Her doctors have all told her to go out on disability but she is a hoarder, wants the deluxe lifestyle, "I wouldn't have enough money".  Then she shouldn't have divorced her husband who did have money.  

She stated he was "emotionally abusing her".  When pressed she said he had made a comment about people who commit suicide must have a demon.  She took that very personally and her "therapist" talked her into ditching him.  

She wanted me to move to Florida and be her caregiver "So someone can tell the doctor what I want in the middle of the night when I'm sick and can't talk".  Should have thought of that before you ditched your husband!  I am NOT your mommy.  

And she tries to hold it over me she changed a few of my diapers when I was a toddler.  You're SUPPOSED to do that, dumbass. It doesn't give you the right to demand I wipe YOUR butt 50 years later.  She would have been up on charges right next to my mother if she had failed to care for me.   

One weird thing, she was obsessed with getting a bipolar diagnosis like our mother had, and I have.  Her doctor kept telling her she didn't meet the criteria but caved and gave her a "Bipolar (not otherwise specified)" just to shut her up.  She went around telling everyone she was bipolar like it's a freaking PASS to do whatever you want... 

Whenever I see my uncle he always wants to know how she is and carries on what a shame it is I am not in contact.  Here's the best part, I sent her a letter asking her to please give me space for a month while I thought about our relationship.  She stalked me so bad I had to block her number, sent me packages (I told her NO contact), which I sent back, and then called my parents in hysterics saying I was in trouble and had lost the house, all sorts of BS.  My parents told her to back off and called me, I explained.  But my stepmother was pissed!   I guess she figured they would shame me into resuming contact.  

When the stalking issue here got bad I had to wonder if it was her.  I won't know until God returns but I wouldn't be surprised to hear it had been her.  

It took months but she finally backed off.  I DON'T miss any of it.  I used to dread Sundays because that's when she'd call.  Don't miss her and, more importantly, no conviction about cutting her off.  

The Holy Spirit has a way of getting me - say I am sharp to Ron, I feel conviction.  I hadn't forgiven my parents - conviction.  I didn't forgive the driver who got Ron and had sick fantasies of beating him with a metal pipe - conviction.  Same with the officer who falsified the accident report and likely stole our cash.  

Her?  I forgive her for what she attempted to do - break me and Ron up so I would be her caregiver.  I understand her childhood fucked her up completely and she will never be able to have a normal relationship ever.  That is why the cult had such pull for her, they offered a pretense.  

Our brother has become a hermit.  That was his call - he is a sweet man and I like him but I get it.  

So that started the day.  I did my God Time.  World Missionary press has some nice little Bible study booklets on Romans, Genesis, Matthew, and Revelation.  I am working my way through Romans.  I have problems with the "old" King James language in the booklet on Psalms and it is basically unreadable to me (I will gift it).  I like the booklet it breaks down the lessons into digestible chunks while staying true to scripture.  That is very important to me.  So I enjoy that as part of my God Time.  Once I finish Romans I will do Revelation and then start at Genesis and go to Matthew.  

I swept the floor, took a little break, then mopped everything.  I did laundry and changed my sheets.  Did a couple loads of clothes actually.  Then put it away.  

I made some tea.  Ron is listening to his radio and sharing various songs.  I got Taco Bell last night for dinner they were running a special, buy one chalupa box get one free.  So I did that.  Ron ate the taco last night and had the chalupa for breakfast.  I am happy it had vegetables and protein.  I had a sandwich around 11.  I am still doing the intermittent fasting.  

That's it for ...

I forgot about Biscuit.  He has been getting in my lap during my God Time which is proving problematic.  He stays encamped in my lap very determined.  I have tried giving him treats, he doesn't leave.  I give him petting, he stays.  I don't give him petting, he stays.  It is a little baffling because I can't figure out if he is working for God or the devil!  😂

I will let you know what I figure out.  NOW I'm done.  

Thursday

 I did my God Time, took my pills, and ran some errands.  Ron was fine.  

I ran to Ron's bank and exchanged $1 bills for $20's.  I went to my bank and made my deposit so I can pay Dad.  I went to Walmart and got some groceries.  I didn't have a big budget but I did manage to get the essentials, including a big package of Tide PODS.   

I ran some other errands as well and got it all done.  Happy about that.  

I got everything put away, it was a nice day to run errands as well.  I cleaned the toilet, yay me.  

It was funny, I was bringing the groceries in through the front door.  It was nice and sunny so I just had the door propped and Biscuit went NUTS when he saw me bringing in his bag of Iams Urinary formula.  He got in my lap earlier when I was doing my God Time and was very cute.  Baby Girl sat up more than I will admit and got treats, so did Torbie.  Spotty was very cute.  He has a little lair under my bed.  Everytime I walk by my bed he pops out and wants attention.  It is adorable.  So I gave him some cuddles.  Cleo has been outside mainly but it's a nice day so she wants to enjoy it. 

Ron has been good.  I don't know what happened last night I will ask the neurologist about it.  He just seems to have trouble sorting reality when he wakes up.  I am not going to stress about it.  He has pretty vivid and detailed dreams since the accident.  And we can't forget he is blind so he can't exactly look around.  

I want to get some food delivered but I don't know what.  I am fighting a light headache.  

That's it for now. 

Early Thursday

 Ron woke me up last night convinced of something that wasn't true.  I BELIEVE he had a small seizure that distorted his thought process, I WILL be asking Doc about it next week.  I did help him but he asked why I was so upset, I said I am worried I will come to the end of what I can do for you.  I listed all the things he can't do anymore, and said I need certain assurances (he) will be OK when I walk out of the house.  Then I went in the front room for a while.  

I heard some noises, Ron came rolling down the hall in his wheelchair "See, I can do it" good to know.  We talked and I played some music for him on Youtube (it was up again by that point).  Then I got him into bed (he seems to have more trouble getting back into bed vs. getting out).  I went to bed and eventually fell asleep.  

I woke up at 4:45 my pill time alarm was going.  I dropped the seizure pill on the floor and did not have my glasses, I had to go back to my bedroom, get the glasses, and find the pill before giving it to Ron.  Then back to bed again.  

I think my routine is a little like caring for a small child.  Up and back to sleep, again and again.  I slept until 8.  Ron was good but a little cold, it only being 80 in here.  I put the electric blanket on him and he turned it up to "7".  He is asleep again.  

I need to feed the cats, shower (in that order) and do my God Time then I need to talk to Ron about other things we want to do for today.  It looks like a nice day, though, sunny.  

Wednesday

 On Facebook just now, I knew the name of the kitten Kitten Lady was holding, even though the cat had been adopted months ago (Chickpea).  I knew the name of the "naked" chonky cat as well "Flower Pot".  I guess I am spending a lot of time online.  

I didn't sleep great, got up, Ron had a bad night for pain and most of the morning too.  I finally got some Voltaren on him and he was OK, then he passed out from exhaustion.  I went to work by myself, it went fine.  

I stocked the bottled vendor, about a dozen cases of bottled drinks.  I did the other things I came to do, and I left.  Ron was still asleep.  

I washed my hands well and checked on him, he was OK.  I tried to take a nap and that didn't work.  So I got up and fiddled around online until pill time.  Ron woke up enough to take his pills and went right back to sleep.  

He called our ISP a few weeks ago and renegotiated the plan, it is $20 cheaper now and apparently faster speeds.  But I am just blog, Facebook, message boards.  

Still battling depression but I got my pills on board with a protein shake.  The cats are doing well.  

Tuesday

Still pretty depressed, but I took care of Ron and even got him outside for some fresh air and sunshine.  He called and made trips for us to go to work tomorrow, that saves us a lot on Uber.  I am still "Platinum level" which should say how often I take it to work.  

The cats are good, they came out with us when we sat out front in the sun, pretty cute.  I took a shower in the evening so I can shower when I get home from work tomorrow.  It won't be a long day.  

Ron made the trip for later in the day, the swing shift is going to love that.  They never see the vendors.  He should be more alert, too.  

I did up his pills for another week he will JUST have enough.  I am thinking to call Doc and ask for a refill because Walmart always takes a day or two to actually process the prescription.  I will think about it and talk to Ron, they are his pills after all.  

I didn't have a lot of caffeine today so I should sleep OK, and I got enough sleep to make up for last night.  I went back to bed after 5 AM, slept a couple hours.  I took another nap around 1-3 PM.  

I will be glad when I get back to an average mood. 

Very early Tuesday

 Headache, plus Ron was yelling in his sleep so I got up early.  Last I heard it is supposed to rain today so he is probably in some pain.  

I wonder if I vocalize in my sleep when I have a migraine?  Happily not that level but enough I didn't want to sleep as headaches can get worse in my sleep.  If I'm up and it starts to get worse I can get it with the headache pills I have on my desk.  

Anyway I was doing some research I want to buy some vegetable seeds, not this instant but have a list ready to go.  I plan to spend about $20 total and then I will have them if things get really bad.  

I was also thinking about Brian and his wife.  Back in 2012 I had problems with the wall of my shower enclosure starting to fall in, I told a friend in Colorado about it and she contacted a branch of her church in my area, explained Ron and I are both disabled, do evangelism, money is very tight, could they help?  They sent Pete out who thought it would be a wonderful project, but he nicked one of the copper pipes doing demo.  He had planned to use a "shark bite" to repair it but the church said maybe they had better send another guy out.  

I was told the other guy was a plumber.  What that really meant he had done some plumbing in the Navy, on a sub. Big difference.  

He came out very late (after 8 PM).  Later on his wife told me he "always" took one of his children on his do-gooder projects "To show them how it's done" but that just REEKS to me of "doing works before men" which Jesus SPECIFICALLY spoke AGAINST.  When the guys opened the wall, though, they found some bugs so they told him - he made a big point of bringing boric acid powder - and probably figured it wasn't good enough for his kid.  So he comes out and uses a shark bite.  Pete was like "I could have done that".  I will say the repair held but apparently he went home and told his wife A LOT about me, Ron, and my home as his wife later told me "Oh, he told me all about your house"  WHAT THE HELL?  Not very cool.  Pete did 90% of the repairs and we became good friends out of that.  I would fix him dinner and I had a big cooler full of various sodas, juice and water for him.  He appreciated it.  And I made sure he was appreciated.  

While Pete was in town he took us to the church and it was OK at first.  They were very excited to have me distribute Bibles they had in a garage.  I eventually gave them all away.  That's when I started hitting walls.  Everyone, including the pastor, said they would give me all the Bibles I needed, but when I asked for more (I had a particular need for Spanish) they told me no.  Fine, I went out and bought them with my money.  

Then the pastor found out I had depression.  He said it wasn't depression but spiritual oppression from demons due to the work I was doing - and to his credit I think that was partly true.  But then he found out I was taking medication.  

The pastor said he had been on "mental illness medication" sometime back, "got hooked, and kicked it".  I am guessing it was sleeping and/or anxiety pills.  Then it escalated to finger pointing at me during the service talking about "sinners and addicts".   He couldn't differentiate.  

Let's take a moment to seriously consider this question.  Do they really want me around their children off my antipsychotic?  I don't think so.  Yet that's exactly what he was preaching.  

So I stopped pushing Ron to go and stopped watching the live stream.  I unfollowed Brian and his wife because she is one of those women, always a drama "Oh I have such anxiety the dog's haircut didn't come out perfect" kind of "problem" that makes people like me very frustrated - and equating her sort of "problems" to mine.  Are you suicidal?  Are your children in wheelchairs?  Is your husband blind?   Are you worried about your next paycheck and how you are going to pay your utility bills?  No?  Then it's not equal.  But I didn't say that I just unfollowed them.  

Every now and then something (I forget what) reminds me though of what a rude gossip he was about my house.  Yes.  It is messy.  Yes.  I had bugs in the wall I didn't know about (I did eliminate them).  Yes, the house was poorly constructed.  But don't use those issues as an excuse to look down on me which is EXACTLY what he did and EXACTLY what Christians are NOT supposed to do.  

I would have rather paid a plumber.  

Monday

 I got up to dose Ron at 5 and went back to bed for a few hours.  I had nightmares, it is bad enough I think I may just get up at 5 now.  It's not restful if I'm having nightmares.  

I got up and did most of my God Time, took care of Ron, etc.  I emptied all the urinals and made sure he had a sandwich and a bottle of water, access to his trash can and commode chair.  All that done I left.  

I had enough money to pay for transportation and about $300 worth of inventory.  I was very careful selecting.  I got a good assortment, I felt, checked out pretty quick, went to work, unloaded, put all the bottle drinks in the fridge.  That took a while and was physical but happily that works.  

Then I did snacks, that took the longest.  But I did them up nicely.  I stocked what I could on canned sodas and had a look at the cash boxes, pretty pitiful so I decided to wait on going to the bank.  All done, I put my carts away and Larry picked me up.  

He was a little shaken as he had seen a bad wreck on the freeway and I noticed he took a route to avoid seeing it again.  We went through a drive through.  I figured Ron always likes a Double Cheeseburger so I got him one, and myself a Hot and Spicy Chicken (not very spicy but good enough), and a sweet tea.  I didn't eat until I got home.  

Ron was awake, thrilled to see me.  Said he is always up for a hamburger and to get him one every time I go through a drive through.  I sort of figured that was the default but I also figured it wouldn't hurt to ask.  So he ate that eagerly.  I sat on the commode chair (dressed) and talked to him as I ate my sandwich.  Biscuit had met me at the door, very cute.  

I don't think I have permission to talk about it but I was told, by someone I trust, to watch my checkbook at work.  Good to know.  You only have to tell me once.  I told Ron about it, too.  

Then I stripped and took a shower, ideally I would have done that first the second I walked in the door.  But I did do it fairly quickly.  Gets all the germs.  

I put my sandwich down, stupidly, on the couch and got mayo on the sheet I use to cover it so I had to treat and wash that.  I used one of my scented detergent packs.  That won't affect either of us directly.  I use unscented for our clothes.  I still have dirty clothes to wash because I have found the washer prefers a sheet by itself and with nothing else.  Otherwise it gets off balance and scares the crap out of us.  Better to run 2 loads.  Plus the sheet is orange and I worry a little about color run.  

I have been online since.  I will make myself some more decaf tea in a little bit.  I have to give Ron his evening pills in about an hour.  He is asleep so I will let him sleep as long as he can.  I plan to go to bed early so I can just get up at 5 and skip the nightmares, which have happened several times now.  

That's it for now.  

Sunday afternoon

 So I feel better, I just left a scathing, one-star review for that turkey's book.  Depression is a sin.  UGH.  Makes me so mad.  

But then I think of people with epilepsy, they had to deal with stigma too.  They sure "looked" demon-possessed.  

Anyway, got more depressed, decided to walk to the gas station.  I had a panic attack crossing the footbridge over the bayou.  I am fine crossing it at the other side of the subdivision but this way, sometimes, I freeze up.  And the last thing I want during a panic attack is to be frozen on the thing that is causing the angst.  

See, I have 2 big fears: traffic, and heights.  The footbridge manages to combine both into a horrible cocktail of lockstep frozen panic.  I managed to force myself to keep going.  Not fun, though.  

It would be nice to stop and look over the water flowing underneath me, but for some reason that bridge just freaks me out.  I got to the gas station.  I had enough money ($5) for a parfait and a soda, so I got the parfait.  It had vanilla pudding layered with real whipped cream, and nilla wafers.  I couldn't eat it there so I had her put it in a bag.  I had the parfait in one hand, the soda in the other and I was certain that would help me focus and not panic.  And I froze again.  I just told my brain to keep moving me forward.  

I guess the lesson I will have more anxiety when I have depression, they run together.  I remember a mental health tech asking me about anxiety and me telling her, I have that constantly and that is true even now.  

One reason I am so strict with my caffeine.  But I got home OK.  

On the way, passing through the park, I found a broken, dead, tree branch (about the length of a pencil) with a large air plant on top.  It was very pretty.  I like air plants.  I used to have one many years ago.  I saw it again on the way back and decided to take it home.  It would just get thrown away by the yard crew, mowed, or disposed of some other way.  It was not getting back in it's tree.  

So I took it home, found my old clay orchid pot, cleaned up the pot, and then put the air plant in it.  I did some reading and decided to dunk it in some water, did that.  Moved it around a few different windows.  It is in the front window now.  

I think it has pretty good odds.  I don't have to worry about the cats knocking over soil because it is living on a branch, the way God meant it to.  

Let me see if I can get a photo

So it's something to keep me occupied.  

Tomorrow I go to the warehouse and then to work, maybe the bank as well.  I will see.  Again, something to keep me occupied.  

Depression is a sin? AGAIN with that?

 I am sleeping OK.  But this depression is flogging me.  Worst I've had in a while.  

I have to just lay it on Jesus I don't try to carry things on my own anymore.  I turned off the pill alarm in my sleep and woke up half an hour later in a panic.  Ron was OK but he wanted popcorn for breakfast.  

He ate the entire bag - impressive for him.  He is snoring away.  

I did some of my God Time, when depressed sometimes the prayer part is a little overwhelming for me so I pray freestyle, in bursts, I guess that's the way to put it.  I did do the readings part I feel that is important.  

I had to get rid of one devotional as it was basically saying depression is a sin.  I don't know what it is about some Christians.  It is a truly criminal thing to say an illness is a sin.  Is my Dad a sinner because he has heart disease and takes medication for it?  Or diabetes?  What about Ron, is he a sinner for having epilepsy?  I don't think so.  But in all these cases the pompous ass would say that is acceptable, normal illness and of course you should take your medication.   

Even though depression is a chemical imbalance, and can be seen on a brain scan.  Can be treated with various therapies, magnets, ECT, medication.  No, it is a sin. 

I think the whole "sin" angle is just a reaction to feeling powerless when faced with a suffering, depressed, human.  Some lash out and blame the victim.  Faith can't cure depression.  Nothing can, really.  It can be ameliorated by the various treatments I laid out, exercise, music, gardening can all help.  But it always comes back; until I get my new mind from Jesus.  My faith helps me see the long picture and not the short one.  

I am OK with that with my illness hopefully comes some empathy and more evangelism outreach.  I like to think that.  I am reaching toward God; but if I go on devotionals and "man's" teaching I get slapped down.  

A couple of good devotions: 

The Corrie Ten Boom one, Daily Chronological Bible, NIV Daily Bible, Blackaby devotional.  But other ones I keep tripping over bad doctrine.  It is discouraging.  

Bad ones, I'm not even going to name it.  I am going to throw it out.  

Now, Thi'sl got it right.  Nope, Flame. Got my guys mixed up.  https://youtu.be/Lnx_ryLjArs  "Take your medicine, this is pleasing to Jesus"  

Do you know how seldom I hear that?  

I'm not whining.  This is my life; my moods change.  God is stable in all of it and I thank Him for it.  I would say "yes" to my problems if God told me I could reach one more person, having them.  I hate to think of anyone in hell, apart from God.  

I want to reach whoever I can and share God's love with them.  If that means I deal with this so be it.  

Saturday

 I had a problem with the computer before I went to the store.  Rather, a "problem" of Biscuit in my lap rubbing his head on the keyboard, opening the windows button, I had to shut down the whole computer.  

Ron woke up and I told him I was going to the store.  He wanted a couple more Nighthawk dinners.  He likes the one with the big patty and the cheesy bacon potatoes.  I had a good Uber to the store.  

LONG wait in line, the guy in front of me pulls out a huge bankroll of wadded up $1 bills and wants to sell them to the cashier, who stupidly said "yes".  The woman in front of him was attention seeking and kept making comments and looking around to see if we were "noticing" her.  Finally got up there, paid the bill - it took 2 minutes.  

Ron reversed 2 numbers in the routing number trying to pay over the phone, about 5 years ago, it declined so they have us on cash payments only now.  He tried several times to get it fixed but they won't.  I don't mind because I am usually at the Walmart anyway.  So I did that and got Ron 2 Nighthawk dinners.  

There was an old man, on a walker, looking concerned when I started pulling the dinners.  I told him I had left "plenty" and he thanked me apparently that is his favorite, too.  

I got some canned food, more herring for me (I love those stinky fishies) and tuna, I was almost out of tuna.  I already had mayo.  I had some fun money, I went and looked at the fancy soap - nothing interesting.  I went and looked at the teas.  I got some Vanilla Chai and some Constant Comment.  The other vendor's wife is addicted to it.  So I still have a good amount of fun money left.  

I didn't need any cat things so I didn't get that, cleaning stuff, TP all that I was fine.  I really like I got the washable rags for cleanups that saves me a lot of paper towels.  I got a 6 pack of diet caffeine free soda.  I even managed to score a case of Cup of Noodles beef flavor (12).  I was really happy to see them.  I like beef flavor the best.  Ron doesn't do them but I have some chicken if he wanted it.  

I got Ron 2 pair (with my personal money, not the love offering) black sweatpants I think they will be more comfortable for him than the pants.  They are easier to get on, that's for sure.  I always hated zipping his pants.  They were only $7.50 each so that's a good deal, and they have pockets.  I got Large.  Technically Ron is a Medium but the nerve disease makes clothing unpleasant for him, he likes a size larger.  

Long wait in line.  The cashier was having a lot of trouble.  For instance, she didn't believe the "import" day laborer buying beer was legal age and couldn't figure out his Honduras ID.  That took a while.  Then they bought (2 guys) a roasting pan without a tag so she had to look it up.  

Finally got to me, I talked to her a little.  I gave her a Bible Promise book it was my last one.  Hopefully it will guide her.  A lot of people won't do the whole Bible to start but a Bible Promise book isn't as threatening.  

I left, got a quick ride home.  He was disabled so I didn't ask him for help with the groceries.  He still got a good tip.  I put everything away.  

I had bought Ron a hamburger and he ate some of that, he said he had been dreaming about a steak and this was almost as good.  I took a nap.  

I heard some strange noises which woke me up, turned out to be him on the commode and dealing with it all by himself LIKE A BOSS.  So nice for me not to have to jump up.  

Everyone seems cranky online.  The menopause and caregiver groups are full of complaints.  And I'm having a decent day considering I am depressed.  I didn't say that, though.  No one likes a happy person when they are full of complaints.  

I will say this, the caregiver group makes Ron look like a real hero.  He is appreciative, respectful of my sleep and private times, says thank you, does for himself if at all possible, I could go on.  And I tell him this because he needs to hear he is appreciated.  He says he wants to make it easy for me and he's right.  He also said anyone else would make him give up his cat - he's right.  But I would never threaten him with that.  If he did have to go in a home I would take care of her and figure out a way I could bring her to visit.  

So I spent some time sitting on the commode chair (clothes on!  😂) and talking to him we both liked that.  So he's good pain isn't too bad.  

He needed some Votaren on a knee earlier but hasn't asked for more.  I am glad his pain level isn't too bad. 

Re: the election I don't think it is done yet.  I do know God is on His throne so I am not going to stress about it.  

Very early Saturday

 Ron likes his new electric blanket, good to know.  

My hands were pretty bad this morning (tremor), I found this and think it is useful. https://essentialtremor.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/Coping-Tips-062019.pdf

I have been pulling my elbows in when I type which apparently helps the tremor, I didn't know that.  

Ron is scared to have me trim his nails or give him shots, I can't say that I blame him.  We may need to get outside help for that.  

Friday

 I took Ron out in the backyard yesterday and we sat outside for about an hour in the sun, Ron in his bare feet in the wheelchair, sat out and enjoyed the weather for a while.  

Today we went to Sam's Club.  I woke up in the middle of the night with my foot cramping badly.  I had to drink 2 glasses of gatorade before it would fade.  I went back to bed and slept Ok after that.  

But, not fun.  

I dosed Ron on time but went back to bed for a while, got up, got him ready, went to Sam's.  The trip there was pretty uneventful.  

Sam's was happy to fork over RON'S money once he made an appearance at the desk.  Then we had a long wait on our ride home, his back went out, he was hurting pretty bad.  He was happy to get home.  

Biscuit laid on Ron, purring, and helped a lot with the pain.  Ron fell asleep.  I am getting ready to take a nap.  

Couldn't sleep.  Got up and took my pills, made some tea, did my God Time (too beat to do it this morning).  

I had some "new" ramen noodles, swear they have no MSG, for dinner.  We will see if I get a headache tomorrow.  I am still waiting on Ron's new electric blanket.  I won't be going to bed until I get that set up!  

I am tired and depressed but hanging in there.  Nice thing about bipolar I will not be depressed for long.  

I got it!

 Having a pretty horrible day for depression so that was a nice note to finish it.  

I will likely spend it on some fancy tea or soap.  

Thank you.  👍

Thursday

 Slept GREAT last night and (after pill time) got up at 8.  I had Spotty and Cleo in my bed.  

Ron and I are going to attempt Sam's again the next couple of days.  I mentioned getting another job and he said he would like that.  I will have to think on that.  

My #1 concern for that would be his pill time.  Could he take it on his own?  If I felt 100% he could do that I would absolutely go get another job. 

So I will pray on that.  We should be getting into our busy time at work so that will keep me occupied for a while.  

So I got online did everything.  It is interesting, my most often given advice in the caregiver group is www.bloodsugar101.com.  You would think it would be a bath or laundry trick (a lot of laundry tricks there who knew vinegar could do so much?), but it's me typing out the website.  

The medical profession does not do a good job at educating family on how to manage blood sugar properly.  Jenny does. 

I just checked my sugar out of curiosity - the budget meter (premier) at Walmart has very affordable test strips, I got a 25 pack for $5.  They have larger sizes at a cheaper cost per strip but money is an object.  Anyway I have a little box of supplies and I use that, my lancet, replacement pokers, the meter, directions for the meter, etc.  It is an easy prick and doesn't hurt.  I have found setting #3 works best for me.  

I had a horrific time with shaking hands though, but I got the strip in the meter and then lined up with the blood drop, and my number was good (109) so I am not worried about that.  

Anyway Jenny answers the "How do I control this blood sugar?" questions very well in a readable manner.  She sells books but she has it all right out there on the site you don't have to beg for it.  If you are worried about your blood sugar numbers I really suggest you check it out.  

But THAT is the most frequent advice I give as there are a lot of diabetic seniors.  I did buy her 2 books.  

Ron is sleeping right now, it is sunny out.  I remember one reader was really upset I got a semigloss finish for my walls but I like it a lot, it bounces the light around.  It is also far easier to clean although at the time I figured I would have Ron rolling around in his wheelchair.  Glad I got it.  

The cream really brightens up the rooms, too.  I did cream in most of the rooms.  I haven't done Ron's room yet that is getting this:  Fiji  Bathroom is a lavender, laundry room a mint green, orange room is, well, orange, all other rooms the cream ("thickened cream"), bedroom with purple blackout curtains which I love.  It was so nice the other day when I had the migraine and a really easy solution to the neighbor's security light shining in my windows.  I have security lights all around the house now, the neighbors contributed to 3 😂 sides and then I did the front on my own.  It can't hurt.  

The cats are good, I gave Spotty some treats and Baby Girl showed up.  Baby Girl is Top Cat around this place.  If another cat is eating treats and she shows, they hand them over. Cleo won't even go in Ron's room.   She likes Ron just fine, she used to eat treats from him all the time as he'd pet her, but Baby Girl will not allow her in Ron's room.  Cleo actually let Ron pet her first, but no one wants my room so she hangs out there.  

We had a sesame chicken dinner last night from Marie Callenders.  It had noodles, sauce, meat, and carrots.  Something Ron would eat.  He likes Chinese food but not a lot of the veggies.  We split it, it was pretty good, would buy again.  

I need to work on my protein intake it is pretty poor right now.  I will figure it out, I am thinking maybe some tuna salad for lunch.  

Depression is pretty bad but I will fight it as always.  

So how far do I go down Fear Street?

 Rhetorical question.  

I hang out on a prepper board, they are pretty level headed and I would say seated in reality.  The general motto is "don't get caught with your pants down if things get bad".  Facebook - today I had a long time friend ranting about FEMA camps coming next summer.  I tend to run rather paranoid due to my illness.  

Of course I believe some of my calls are monitored, especially the one I was talking about politics and naming politicians.  I believe someone is getting reports of my online activity.  

The problem I have, at the core, I had a family member in the intelligence community.  One I trusted, who said yes THEY are watching everything you do and say, more than once, to me as I was growing up.  Referring to me as a "civilian".  That fed my natural paranoia.  

Let's be blunt here I have at least one schizophrenic family member.  I suffer from the disorder in addition to my bipolar but the bipolar is the "dominant" diagnosis and the schizo just a "bonus" "feature".  So I have the trait.  

My issue is balancing everything.  

Of course, #1 I have to look at my faith.  God is on His throne.  He is in charge.  

#2 Yes my family member did tell me about "them" and this person does not have schizo anything.  Maybe some depression but considering that's reasonable.  

#3 Almost everyone online (except the prepper board, amusingly enough) is trying to tell me to be fearful and "do for yourself while you can".  Which doesn't match with #1. 

So I end up where I am, I have taken some measures but nothing I deem excessive.  I am not living in fear.  

But I feel like virtually everyone (but the board) wants to pull me off down Fear Street.  

Tuesday and Wednesday

 I slept really well last night, got up, Ron needed help which took some time.  I can't discuss details but I got him taken care of.  I am really glad I have a collection of sheets so I can yank off top sheet (for whatever reason), spray down the vinyl "rubber sheet" (unscented cleanser of course), and remake the bed easily.  

I was pretty busy but I got it all done.  Ron's electric blanket is drying in the garage, I thought that was very clever.  We have that stray male tomcat who likes to spray my trash cans.  He would likely spray the blanket if I left it outside, but I brought my plastic chair in the garage and draped the blanket over that.  All the water ran out under the garage door, making it look like we had a GHASTLY plumbing issue.  But it is mostly dry.  

I try to wash his little electric throw every couple months of use, and the water's always dirty when I do, so I could probably do it more often, but it is a hassle to hand wash in the tub.  It does fit nicely in a 5 gallon bucket to get draped on the chair in the garage.  

We did order him a twin sized heated blanket.  It looks nice online and it is the same brand as the throw, which has performed well.  There isn't anything heated online with a good review, throws, blankets, heated mattress pads, but I will take a chance on something that did work.  I think it is Biddeford.  I checked, it is.  

I have a heated mattress pad for my bed but don't need it yet.  

Wednesday: 

I went to bed really early last night and woke up at 3:30.  I had gotten an 8 hour sleep so I went ahead and got up.  I did various housework things.  

One thing I did: change the cats' water fountain.  The washable filter was disgusting and wouldn't wash clean, so I threw out the entire fountain (it ran for about a year and is only $20) and got a fresh new one.  Biscuit was so excited to see it he almost tripped me, then spent a fair amount of time drinking after I put it down.  Good.  I clean it regularly but I just thought "I wouldn't drink out of that" so I tossed it.  Not sorry I did.  I do need to buy a replacement next time I go to the Walmart, though.  I always want to have a backup on hand.  

The trash got picked up and I put my cans away.  I didn't need to do any laundry I did that yesterday.  Ron has been asleep all day.  

I did make a Walmart delivery and got some simple stuff like TV dinners.  Some times I just don't want to be faced with "ingredients" I would rather have something I can just stick in the microwave.   

I also ordered some egg nog ice cream.  NO substitute on that as nearly every ice cream has chocolate and/or nuts.  I used to love this chocolate brownie peanut butter ice cream, it had little peanut butter cups, a peanut butter ribbon, base note of nice chocolate ice cream.  It was delicious but I had a problem with it so God stepped in and made it all give me a migraine.  You couldn't pay me a thousand dollars to eat chocolate ice cream now.  So either I'll take the egg nog or I won't get anything.  

I am going to go see if my guy won for representative for our district.  Ah!  He didn't.  I really liked him, too.  I guess everyone wanted the incumbent.  

I am a little manic but not too bad.  I need to go pay the electric bill (in person) this week so I need to figure that out.  I will not be taking Ron for that.  It was only $66 so do able.  

I figured out something interesting, since I was up so early I waited a while and then had my mate chai.  It was pretty good, wakes me up but not edgy.  About 40 mg caffeine.  I took a nap around 9-11 and woke up with a headache.  I thought "What if it's caffeine?" and had a 100 mg caffeine capsule.  And the headache went away.  So that may explain those afternoon headaches.  

Ron is up, nice thing he took care of his toilet needs on his own.  All I had to do was empty the bucket.  He likes the snacks on the bookcase (bedside table).  I had a 1 ounce bag of fritos and a peanut butter and jelly.  He can take a couple days to eat the sandwich if he wants, it won't go bad (hydrogenated peanut butter).  He is very excited to hear I ordered him a Nighthawk TV dinner, I hope they have them in stock.  He really loves those things.  

And I finally remembered to order the kitchen trash bags.  I sure hope they come.  I am almost out - I never let myself get this low.  

Monday morning

 Well, we almost made it but Ron cancelled so we stayed home.  I don't think he slept well as he is snoring away right now.  

For now I am just wired to wake up an hour earlier so I am enjoying the time.  I made some tea (I like the Tetley British Blend) and was drinking it when I remembered something about tea and iron.  I found this.  Short version: tea messes up iron absorption.  Well, crap.  Soda is bad for me so I went to diet.  Doc says diet is bad so I go to tea, but tea is bad because it messes up my iron.  

That DOES explain my extreme anemia when I was a teen, my lips were purple.  All the other girls wanted to know where I got my lipstick.  😂 I didn't have a great iron intake and then I added tea to mess up what I was getting.  Poor Heather!  

I don't want that again but the web page did have some advice, don't have it right when you're eating.  They didn't say anything about mate` so I guess I can do that in the morning with the iron pill.  It is not related to the tea plant it is actually in the holly family.  So I can do the mate in the morning with the iron pill and then regular tea after a couple hours.  

Not that I am really getting a lot of caffeine.  I had about 100 mg of caffeine so far and then will add another 40 mg when I drink the mate.  That is not bad, Doc said to keep it less than 450 and I was doing 600 about a month ago.  And I feel I have a good energy level doing this.  

Edit: Mate is bad for iron too.  I guess I will be taking one of my 100 mg caffeine tablets every day with my iron.  

The cats are good, they ate all their food last night so I fed them first thing when I got up.  Cleo said hi to me when I went to the bathroom, she is such a sweet little cat.  I told her I was very glad she came back after the repairs this year.  It also makes me feel like she picked us; she had some other options at least but she chose to come back.  

Kind of like Ron about 25 years ago, sat me down and said I could date other men if I wanted, he didn't want me to feel I never had any choices.  I thought about it for a little while and said no (we weren't married yet).  He was very relieved.  This from a man who now cries at love songs and tells me how much he loves me.  

His love language is acts of service so he gets a lot of that.  My love language is quality time and I get what I would consider a good amount of that.  I don't have to take him shopping, I am happy to talk to him on the phone as I shop, for instance.  Although I don't plan to do any stores this week. 

I hope I am wrong and it is just another boring week.