Sunday, March 1, 2015

Awake and depressed

I had today off, and we didn't have any errands. 

I slept in and had nightmares about flooding and losing the cats.  I got up, did my God Time, took a shower.  I battled a headache and depression. 

For the record, most of the cats are chipped.  We just need to "do" Baby Girl, and change Torbie's chip name from (gack) Kitty Pretty.   If we had a disaster, and the cats lived, likely I'd get them back. 

I finally went back to bed.  It was cold and rainy, or I might have done some work in my garden.

I slept a couple hours, and had more nightmares, featuring ever horrifying themes of neglect, abandonment, favoritism, cat loss, and suicidal depression.  The part I feel comfortable relating (because a lot of the nightmare/s involved people who are alive and past abuse): I was trying to tell someone I was suicidally depressed, and they kept rejecting me, they weren't even hearing what I said.  I remember telling them "I think I need ECT"  But they weren't even hearing me.

For the record, if I have an intractable, severe, depression, if I am at risk of suicide, absolutely and by all means use ECT.  I would much rather try, and risk; than to just suffer in misery and possibly end it myself.

Am I that depressed today?  No, but even my "subconscious" mind recognized I did have it.

I also believe the nightmares, when depressed, are God's way of forcing me to get up.  Existing, awake and depressed, is better than nightmares.

I got online for a while.  Torbie has been a little distant, so I sat down and coaxed her into my lap for a long cuddle.  I told her I love her very much, I will always be honored she chose me to be her human, I am never giving her up, I want her to be spoiled rotten, I don't favor the kittens, but I do miss her cuddles.  Could she get in my lap more often and sleep in the bed?  She purred the whole time (almost an hour), contemplating my monologue, purring and rubbing against my hand.  She did nip me (just a warning), when I started playing with her leg.   Hopefully we can regain our bond.

I know it's been hard for her with the kittens.

Ron is still trying to turn Baby Girl into a cuddly little lap cat.  Even the kittens aren't like that; cats, by nature, are highly independent.  He's finding it a frustrating process; so is she.  He needs to give up and accept her as is: often distant, but very cuddly when you need her. 

Everyone is doing well and using the box properly.  I'm seeing more traffic with the bad weather, but I have a really cool metal, long-handled, scoop.

I just got all the Advantage done.  Most of the cats (Biscuit, Baby Girl) are fine with it.  Others (Torbie and Gravy) act like I'm raping them.  [Advantage is a chemical, applied to the cat, it kills all parasites that suck their blood, inside and out.  Great stuff]

If they understood what I was doing (keeping all parasites away for a month), they'd welcome it, but they don't.  No one tries to bite or scratch, but Torbie will try to flee when she sees the vial in my hand.  Gravy was rather wiggly.

Now I have hives all over my left foot.  I took a Benadryl.  It's really uncomfortable.  I'll live.

I don't know, but I suspect it may have been the gluten in my pizza for dinner.  Sometimes I get hives when I eat wheat.  I think I will cut it out of my diet for a while.


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