Good Enough

Over 20 years ago, I tested well above average on verbal intelligence.  I've always been able to figure things out, whether it's a computer or a vending machine. 

Lately, though, not so much.  I feel very "limited" when I'm working with the Android Tablet I won at a water board meeting.  It's running Jellybean. 

We had to work today, so I brought my backpack (and tablet) along.  After we bought our vending supplies, paratransit left us at the warehouse for over an hour.  I took a bite out of the tablet. 

I opened it up (I've figured out the operating system to some extent) and loaded one of my apps.  They downloaded properly and installed correctly.  I opened the office program and pulled up a spreadsheet.  I felt very confused as I tried to make a basic spreadsheet.  I used to do this in my sleep, but not anymore.  I hacked away at it for a few minutes, realizing I'd need a book if I was going to make any progress. 

I thought, "The listmaker app can't be that hard".  I didn't do very well with that, either. 

Now, I'm OK with this, most of the time.  I accept I'm going to take a cognitive dive in order to have stable moods.  I'm good with that. 

I couldn't handle HALF of what I've got on my plate without the proper medication.  I just have to come to terms. 

It's like I told Ron "It's not the delays you're born with, it's the ones you get later in life."  I remember better times, times when I would have had that thing mastered in a day.  Now I look at me, seeking manuals and poking away in despondence.  It's galling to have fallen so far. 

Then I remember times with my lithium level wasn't ideal - how I couldn't let things go, I was always brooding.  I didn't own my thoughts; they belonged to my illness.  I was a hostage.  I was a slave.

Better, I think, to be dim.  I can still fill and service vending machines.  I can blog, facebook, and file the online report. 

It's good enough.