A secret and an outrage

I have to eat in order to take my medication.  If I don't, it's bad.

Anyway, I'm sitting there eating really good chocolate ice cream and thinking about the police, of all things.  I got to thinking, I always feel a little nervous around the police unless I have been the victim of a crime. 

Why, I wondered?  Well, when I was manic, I used to shoplift books, sneak them home, and read them.  One day I'll get into more on why I wasn't allowed to read at home.  Basically, the prevailing thought: my biological mother read a lot, she was mentally ill.  Therefore, if I were allowed to read I would become mentally ill.  I believe my intensity, reading, also frightened them. 

So, that's my "big secret".  That, and maybe the time Ron tried to talk me into an "open" marriage, many years ago.  I basically told him "I can't stop you cheating but you don't have my permission.  I'm not sleeping with anyone other than you."  Wasn't quite as fun, then. 

Which led me to thinking about biographies in general.  I love biographies.  Well, I used to.  I realized that they usually reveal two things: the secret (which I already have) and the outrage. 

What outrage?  Well, everyone feels they were wronged, and unjustly represented, in some way.  I imagine that usually revolves around a breakup of some sort. 

In my case, it was Ron's accident.  It was bad enough everyone blamed me in person, but someone actually called a radio talk show and blamed me for Ron's accident.  Apparently horrible things were said, I was castigated, demonized, and reviled. 

How do I know this?  Everyone called, asking if I had heard the program.  No, I told them, I'm in an ICU.  I don't have time to listen to the radio.  Ron might die any minute.  "Oh, thank God you didn't hear it." they replied.  That's how I knew it was bad. 

The outrage: what kind of person attacks the wife of a man who was in a horrible accident?  Who blames Heather, when Roy was the driver?  Roy is at fault, not Heather.  Roy ran the red light, talking on the cell phone, "in a hurry" in his own words, and so unobservant he didn't see the flashing light that could be seen a mile away.  Ron wore it on his arm whenever he went to work. 

What kind of person takes the blame "offa" Roy and puts it onto me?

Well, you should have been with him.   They said. 

If you'd been with me, he still would have run the light, and we'd both be crippled, says Ron. 

He's right.