Busy Day

This won't be long:
Saw my doctor.  Everything is fine. 
Had lunch with my aunt. 
Went to work.  Did most of it but not all, so will be working tomorrow. 
Came home, did up 70 more Bibles.  I have about 140 total. 

Tomorrow we go to work, come home, I get my handcart and head out on the Handout.  Ron and I meet up later and eat a late lunch. 

Hopefully I come home and do an update, then take a nap! 

As the World Bleeds

This song came up on my player, and I thought Anonymous might appreciate the lyrics: 

As the World Bleeds
Theocracy

Why do we only call Your name when there’s no one else to call?
And we only really seek You when our mighty towers fall
Why do we say You’ve failed us and You’ve turned Your eyes away
When we’re only sleeping in the bed we made?

Why do we call for free will, but reject all consequence?
Why’s the path we’ve made to Heaven stained with the blood of innocence?
Why’d we ignore the warnings that we’ve read and always known
And get angry when we reap the things we’ve sown?

So we blame You
‘Cause our world’s not come out right
While the devil’s masquerading
As an angel of the light
Just imagine
All the pride and all the nerve
To ask where You’ve been, when we’re the ones we serve

It’s not a mystery, it’s been foretold
But we ignored the warning bell so long ago
There’s a way that seems right unto men, but we’ll die with the wages of sin

As the world lies bleeding
The giant is no longer sleeping
Poisoned harvest reaping
Blindly we just carry on, but the glory is gone
Gone

We live our lives like we could care less what You have to say
Then curse the skies when You don’t come clean up the ugly mess we’ve made
But You gave us a choice and we made it and dug ourselves into a hole
We always thought we knew the way despite the things You said
We just ignored the pile of bodies and the bloodstains on the bed
Painting ourselves right into a corner as life spiraled out of control

As the world lies bleeding
The giant is no longer sleeping
All we’ve sown now reaping
Blindly we just carry on, but the glory is gone

See us – Our promised land of milk and honey
Became a land of filth and money
Like Babylon and Rome before
A land of greed and sin and guilt, a stained and scarlet whore
See us – Living in our ivory towers
Self-appointed kings with no power
Built a monument to man
We’re passing down empty decrees like a disease across the land

Solo: Val

This is the system we’ve created
This is the world so devastated
This is what it looks like when mankind asks You to just leave us alone
This is the monster now awakened
This is our legacy creation
This is the place we end up when we say that we can do this on our own

This is our masterpiece: corruption
This is our monument: destruction
Game point of life and death, the nadir of existence painted black
This is the road the Hell we’ve wandered
This is inheritance we’ve squandered
So raise a glass to all we’ve lost and wonder if we’ll ever get it back

Nations calling “Our will be done, mankind answers to no one”
But now it has begun – In death, our sin hath borne a son

Please forgive us for we’ve only made it worse
Even after You had warned us
Sin would only bring a curse
Guess we knew better so we went a different way
Now we’re only sleeping in the bed we made

All the glory and the power left this place
When we turned our backs upon You
And chose to live in our disgrace
But You warned us
And You let us have our way
Now we’re only drowning in the mess we made

Blood on our hands

Copyright 2011, Matt Smith, Theocracy 

Living Hell

I don't usually feel "crippled", but every now and then something reminds me. 

A friend of mine recently lost her car in an accident.  It was the family's only car.  Everyone is OK.  She is having a very hard time adapting to life without a car.  She finds it very difficult to go to the grocery store.  "It's so hard to carry the bags on the bus" she remarked. 

Yeah.  It is. 

I suggested that maybe God is using this so she will help other people without cars, when her own vehicle is restored.  I like to think God can use trials that way. 

I just had to think how my friend would find my life.  Paratransit, stuffed in a backseat next to someone I've never met.  Riding around for hours on end, having to listen to talk radio I detest, because it's the "Morning show" and it's their vehicle, not mine.  Having to ride for up to 2 hours, each trip, because that's what they can do.  Dealing with the amorous advances of a slow fellow going to his workshop everyday, until it got so bad Ron started changing our trips.

I have to walk a half mile to the bus stop every time I ride.  I'm just glad it's only half a mile, and a decent neighborhood.  I thank God for my blessings in transportation, even when I got mugged at the bus stop. 

But I have to think my friend would find my life a living hell.   

Happy News

I didn't take the Claratin and I slept great.  I only slept about 9 hours and woke up ready to go.  What a nice change from the last week or so, constantly groggy. 

Ron is lying in bed with the kitten lying on top of him, kneading and purring away.  I have never seen a cat love a human the way she loves him. 

In a little bit, I go see my doctor for a tune-up, lunch with my aunt, and then home.  I'll do another post later. 

Interesting People

I had a pretty busy day off. 

I went to bed early last night and slept 12 hours straight.  I think I'm going to cut out the Loratadine (OTC allergy medication).  I think it's causing the fatigue.  If that doesn't work I'll get some blood tests. 

Ron and I went to Walmart, with him in the wheelchair.  Ron was kind of sullen because he's broke.  He likes to get me things, even if it's just a bottle of soda.  We still had a good time. 

I had fun pushing him around in the wheelchair.  I found a nice honeysuckle candle, huge, for $5.  I have been very impressed with the Walmart candles.  I have a Jasmine Gardenia, and a Vanilla Spice.  I tend to favor spice and floral notes. 

I realized, during a bad depression last year, I love candles.  I had a nice candle at the time and I just stared at it.  I thought, if I love candles why is the cap on?  Why am I not burning it?  So, I did.  When I can, I like to get a scented candle - and thankfully Walmart has them in my budget. 

I got cat treats (also an important line item in the budget), and some drink mix.  I looked for good water bottles.  I didn't see any in housewares, but I found a NICE stainless steel one, on clearance, in the camping section for $1.  I can take that with me tomorrow. 

I also got some cleaning stuff, and figured out the shout gel.  They used to have a product called "Shout Gel".  It was a white cylinder.  Now, they have something else, it's called "Shout Advanced", and it's in blue packaging.  I'm glad I figured it out.  The Resolve stick is useless. 

Shopping accomplished, we checked out.  We had a good ride home. 

I mentioned I was a little depressed, and Ron said "Well, why don't you take that bitter orange extract diet pill you got at the Dollar Store?  You said that helped last time".  The pill is made in America - I'm not stupid. 

Well, I was stupid enough to listen.  Not a very good nap, let me tell you.  When I did drop off, I had nightmares. 

I got up and the Bibles arrived!  I got 2 cases of children's New Testaments, one case of adult NT, and some Spanish.  Boy, were they heavy. 

I got them in. 

Then I de-hoarded the front room and made room for the new Bibles.  The goal, of course, in my mind is to always be running out of Bibles but that's going to take a few handouts! 

Ron's still talking about the Good Friday Handout last year, where we moved 120 Bibles in half an hour!  Wow.  That was all God.  We're just the distributors. 

Unless it rains, we're going out there again on Good Friday this year. 

I got everything settled pretty well, but it did take a while.  I had Hoarders on while I worked.  Horrible depression.  I had to do up the Bibles

Note, "Doing up" a Bible takes different forms.  Today, for the NT, I put in "Where to Look in the New Testament", a tract, and stamped it with church contact info.  For the whole Bibles (the pastor gave me some), I stamped it, put in a tract, and put in a one-page testimony (How I got saved and how it changed my life, what God has done for me on one page).  I'm not putting anything in the kiddie Bibles, or the Spanish.  I don't feel God leading me to that.  So, that's how I'm doing these up.

Now, I could go out there and just hand them out of the box.  I've done that.  In fact, God has pointed out I can get hung up on the ritual of doing up the Bibles a certain way - and that is not pleasing to Him.  At any rate, I think He approves. 

I did up about 30, I have limits on my hand cart space.  Ron is adamant he is not coming, it will be cold, etc.  I need to pray and figure out how many more I can bring - the adult Bibles, the children's NT, and the Spanish already done. 

Now, just in case that guy is still around - I'm not shoving Bibles onto kids, behind their parent's backs.  If a car stops, I ask "Do you have kids?  Would they like a Bible too?  How many?"  I do that until I run out.  Although, one one handout, the father brought his little girl over to the median and encouraged her to walk up to me and ask for a Bible.  It was so cute.  "Would Daddy like one too?" 

I meet some interesting people. 

Protection

Here's another thought that goes on top of the video blog. 

If God wants me to do a Handout, He will protect me.  I am surprised how many friends and family seem to have great trouble with the concept.  I am called to go to Acres Homes. 

If I am called, and sent, I will be in God's will.  Nothing will happen to me outside of God's will.

People seem to think the "bad area" will overwhelm God's protection and I will end up raped, beaten, and murdered in the gutter.  Whatever happened to "My God is mighty to save"?  (Isaiah 63:1-3 , Zephaniah 3:16-18)

Even assuming it was God's will for me to meet a bad end on a Handout, I'd be fine with that.  I'd prefer the Bibles got distributed first, but if it got the Word out I'd sign up.  He might reach more people if something horrific did happen to me. 

Life is not everything.  Death is not the end.  God has great plans for me and has used me amazingly.  I'm going to go, and do, whatever He directs me to do. 

God has not given me a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:6-8), so I refuse to accept it.  I'm not taking my pepper spray, a pocket knife, or any of that. 

I'm not even taking Ron "It's too cold" he says "I'm not going".  Can a blind man in a wheelchair protect me?  No.  I see him as a companion, only.  

It'll be me, my handcart, and probably a whole army of angels.  I told Mom - one day God will show me just how much protection I had on the Bible Handouts.  I would love to do a painting, a little stick figure me with a free Bibles sign, surrounded by angels with swords drawn.  I am certain it looks just like this.  

I'm called.  I'm going.  I'll be fine.  

Even if I'm not, people will get reached and that's what I want anyway.   

Video Blog

Big Thought

I finally remembered my "Big Thought" yesterday during church.  I was standing there in church, in "our" seats (in the middle, front, near the aisle).  Ron stood next to me wearing his nice sweatshirt and slacks, humming, clapping, and singing along with the music. 

When Ron gets very discouraged, he calls himself names.  I always tell him "Ron, anyone carrying your load would get discouraged."  I reiterate all his physical and financial problems, and end with "And, worst of all, you're married to me!"  We both grin. 

Hopefully I am an encouragement to Ron, encouraging him to fling all his burdens at God.  God knows we sure can't handle them on our own.  If I have any spiritual "secret" to impart, that's it.  I just throw everything on God and leave it with Him. 

So, standing there, next to Ron, I thought "We've come a long way in the last couple years".  I thought we would never get here. 

I figured God couldn't handle Ron's drinking problem, I had to address it on my own, somehow.  I figured out "right quick" that would never happen - no one person can fix another.  Then I figured Ron would never respect and value me.  Wrong again.  God worked on his heart, a few sensible boundaries, and he's a guy I enjoy.  I want to spend time with him now - that's God, too. 

Ron also sacrifices most of his day off to get me to church, because he knows it's important to me.  He likes and respects the people he's met there, too. 

Don't put limits on God - give him everything, and He will astound you. 

That was my Big Thought. 

Act like it

I tried, repeatedly, to do video blogs but they kept getting eaten.  Sorry. 

I woke up at 5 AM, did my God time (I don't go on about the God Time to moralize you or make you feel bad, but just to show that God Time is a part of every day).  I ate a breakfast and we caught our ride to church. 

Since we had an early pickup, going to early service, it worked great.  We had a 40 minute layover at Starbucks waiting on our second ride. 

The church is worth all the hassle.   I did have a fleeting, envious thought, that we probably had the most difficulty of anyone, getting there. 

Here comes the ice cream truck.  Oh, I love this town. 

Church was good.  I had a "revelation" I have completely forgotten.  Oh, well, it'll come back.

I did decide to strip the front room of anything but Bibles, remote control, and furniture.  Then I can finally put up a photo. It will be pretty challenging getting rid of everything.  I don't have a lot of stuff, but I have a terrible difficulty deciding where things ought to go. 

Once I do that, I need to move "it" in here and then my bedroom.  I know what I'll be doing with my next mania.

I am mildly depressed, but not bad. 

Good sermon.  It's interesting, if you asked 10 different people what the sermon told them, you'd get 10 different answers.  I got "Keep up the evangelism, seek God's will, don't let attacks get you down". 

I also decided to ask for a couple cases of Bibles - they have loads of nice paperback Bibles and they trust me to distribute them properly.  I even told them I'd be going to Acres Homes! 

I love the church, they're like "Oh, cool" when a normal person would be screaming "Don't go there, they'll kill you!".  When I got the Bibles, I did ask for prayer for Shirley (the lady who went to Georgia and told my friend she saw me doing handouts), and the recipients.  Pastor is always happy to help with that. 

So, prayed up, toting 2 boxes of Bibles, I headed back to Starbucks.  Our pickup driver got lost.  We met up, though, and had a straight trip home. 

I'm not saying this to boast, but to illustrate a very sad point.  I bought some nice bags of trail mix.  If you go to Walmart, the "Indulgent" trail mix.  It's a very nice, good sized individual serving of trail mix. 

Metrolift Sunday riders, the "Church Ladies", are notorious for being difficult and demanding.  Some drivers won't even drive on Sundays as a result.  So, I like to go above and beyond on Sundays. 

The first driver got a trail mix, loved it.  Our return driver was shocked when I gave it to him.  "2 years I've been driving, you are the first to give me something".  Oh, I thought that was so sad. 

I mean, it wasn't all selfless - I just wanted to make sure I was "representing".  If he's putting 2 cases of Bibles in the backseat, I had better act like I'm reading them. 

It's just common sense, I think.  Even if I weren't a "nice" person, and I like to think I am. 

He kept remarking on it all the way home.  You should have seen him when I brought him a bottle of water. 

The way I see it, if I'm with Jesus, I had BETTER act like it. 

Then I went to bed and took a long nap.  Did some housework, laundry, litter box, etc.  Blog.  Then call Mom and Dad. 

First, though, I have to move the 2 cases of Bibles out of my chair.  It's the good cell phone spot in the house. 

That badly

So, I stood in my front room this morning, dumping ice into a bucket.  As I shoved bottles into the ice, I started singing "Poppin' bottles in the ice/like a blizzard/when we drink we do it right...." 

[Here's the song link: http://youtu.be/VYaygLi1Qd0 ] 

You see, when I got the computer, it had music.  I liked G6 so I kept it.  I now have various dance tunes in addition to my gospel metal, gospel rap, contemporary Christian, and old hymns. 

So, what's up with the bucket?  Well, Thursday night Pete called.  He is leaving town, for good (he does contract computer work), on Monday.  He wanted to finish a few home repairs before he left. 

Ron told him, we had to work Friday morning, but were free after that.  However, I didn't have time to get any drinks or snacks.  We got home from work on Friday and Pete and Linda came by.  We worked on the siding issue, the horrible curled up nasty siding on the north side of the house.  We got that nailed - screwed actually, then went out to dinner. 

I was exhausted.  I literally went straight to bed and slept 12 hours straight.  Ron reminded me, I hadn't had my nap.  I didn't know I needed it that badly!   

I am still coming to terms with that - but it's clear another job is pretty much out of the question for me. 

I got up this morning, took my shower, cleaned the shower, took everything out of the shower (Pete wanted to do some caulking), and went to Walmart.  I got some drinks (water, powerade, and Coke for Linda), and a bag of ice.  I had a clean, unused bucket at home.  I got some sausage biscuits for me, I like them for breakfast and they aren't stalling me.  I got myself some soda, and some driver candy, and time to go. 

So, we left.  Came home and Pete and Linda were in our driveway.  I ran in the house and put the drinks in the ice bucket, adding some water.  Then I got a few things we needed and ran outside again. 

3 hours later, I remembered the sausage biscuits!  I wish I could have seen my face!  I had a good laugh at myself and put them in the fridge.  They were frozen when I left them out so they're fine.  I'm glad I didn't get the egg ones [shudder]. 

Today, I did a lot of painting.  I painted all the repaired trim to match the house.  Well, it sort of matches.  The computer got it wrong.  Agh.  Worst case I may need to paint an 8 x 36 foot wall. 

After we finished, we went to the taqueria, where I ate a good meal and took all my pills.  We said our goodbyes (we will see them again at church tomorrow), and I did get a nap.  I kept having nightmares about missing church, and finally got up. 

The neighbors (the wall is on the zero property line so the wall is the actual property line) were very nice about giving me access.  I think they were happy we were fixing the eyesore.  They have little kids, and now it's little-kid safe.  They were gone all day so I had plenty of time to paint. 

I had to bend over a lot.  And I'm fat.  I hope my back is forgiving. 

"For Bibles"

So, yesterday was interesting.  During my Bible study, I read about the sabbath, how God felt it was very important for the Israelites to take a day off a week.  (That would probably not happen with a second job).  Then I read a verse in Psalms "I have never seen the righteous forsaken, or his children begging bread"  (Psalm 37:25)  I really hung onto that voice when everything looked very grim, after Ron's accident.  I was unemployed, had no money, couldn't access Ron's money because we were just living together... bad times.  But God took care of every need and then some. 

On our way to work, I saw a banner outside the mosque "We love [prophet of islam]" which made me very angry.  I got even angrier when I read "[prophet of islam] - the prophet of peace".  Bull turds.  Sura 9:5 "9:5 When the sacred months are over slay the idolaters wherever you find them. Arrest them, besiege them, and lie in ambush everywhere for them. If they repent and take to prayer and render the alms levy, allow them to go their way. God is forgiving and merciful." 

A big difference from my God, who tells me to: "⁴⁴ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you"  (Matthew 5:44)   Quite a difference, I'd say.  Thank God I am a Christian.  Yes, it is hard sometimes - I have to ask God to put His love into me, on a regular basis.  I am always repenting of unkind and selfish thoughts, but God is merciful and I don't have to go stone anyone because they're gay, either (unlike the "religion of peace"). 

All that had me pretty convinced God wanted me to focus on evangelism, rather than another job, but finding a check in the mail for "more Bibles" clinched it.  As a final icing, someone wanted my address so she could send me a check for "more Bibles". 

I may have problems but I'm not an idiot.  That was enough for me.  Around and between all of this, we went to the warehouse, got inventory, stocked it, met the repairman, went home, took a nap, etc. 

Today, I had off.  I was excited to have a day out.  I slept in, really late. I didn't even look at the clock when I got up.  I did my God Time, talked to Ron, negotiated couch space with a very large housecat (Bubba has taken over my God Time loveseat), ate, and it was 9:30.  I thought that was funny.  Here I thought I'd slept until 11 or something. 

It looked mild and friendly, so I left.  I deposited the more Bibles check and bought some diet decaf iced tea powder.   I also got some pudding and gelatin, too. 

As I left, it rained.  It wasn't so much the rain as the wind blowing rain on my glasses, and my hair into my eyes.  I almost got run over by an SUV in the grocery store parking lot.  I was also hacked by a vicious depression, too. 

I went to McDonalds.  I got 2 bunless value burgers.  I got one for Ron, too.  I looked at the menu board and realized the sundae, which I really wanted, was far fewer calories than the shake.  So, I got the caramel.  It was good.  I took my lithium early (I won't die if I do that, and it helps with mood swings), and realized I didn't order a drink. 

I went to the gas station and got Ron a bag of cheddar cheese munchies.  With all you hear me buying and feeding Ron, you'd think he'd be 300.  No, he is 151 pounds, and watching his figure.  I don't know how he does it but he can certainly eat some chips now and then. 

In fact, I caught Ron feeding Baby Girl cheetos.  "She doesn't like the pretzels" he told me.  I have to laugh.

She didn't get sick, that's what I ultimately care about. 

I got myself a small bag of chips and a couple cold bottles of soda.  Ron let me know Pete is coming by tomorrow, to do something to the house.  I trust him completely. 

So, I got him some of the grape cigars.  Pete loves grape cigars. 

I just caught the bus to come home, and home I went, in the rain.  I had a nice walk home and dried off. 

I watched Criminal Minds for a while (I like Dr Reid's character), then went to bed.  I took a nap, woke up with a headache (I can tell it is a Wellbutrin headache), took some excedrin, and am about to embark on a massive purchase at IBSdirect.com. 

"For Bibles" go to just that, and they have a free shipping special.  Oh, yeah. Talk to me baby. 

If you pray

Ron and I had a very good conversation today.  He talked about finances, and we decided to cut the cell phone plan.  We only use about 800 minutes between us; so why not reduce the plan?  We did that, saving $50.  That will pay the water bill and $25 to spare.   

We also discussed the possibility of me working another job.  He is pretty much onboard.  He says the money I make is mine, and I will keep the money I make from the business - I see saving in my future. 

For instance, we have a drippy kitchen sink.  We need a new faucet, this is 30 years old.  All the seals are shot - but a new faucet isn't cheap.  We just twist it really tight when we shut off the water, but that won't last forever.  I don't want to bother my friends unless I have an emergency. 

It would be nice to save up and get a new one.  I also need to fix the siding on the north side of the house. Eventually paint the house, things like that.  Property tax - it would be nice to pay that, and the insurance, without getting out the credit card. 

Now, it is possible that God may want me to live more on faith.  If He doesn't want me working another job, I am fine with that. 

If God does want me working another job, I'm fine with that.  I need to stay busy.  If I sit I brood.  Good for my independence. 

I mean, God forbid anything happened to Ron I am immediately unemployed.  It would be nice to have my own income stream, especially if the business continues to deteriorate.  Sales are about 20% what they were 5 years ago, and don't you know Ron and I are kicking our own butts over the fact we didn't save any money. 

I don't think my jar of change counts. 

So, we went to work, got the machine fixed (it was a bad part and nothing I did).  Ron and I worked on the other machine for a while.  He is a one-handed whiz with that right angle bit driver.  We got it partly fixed.  In the meantime the machine takes dollars. 

I did an inventory, because boy do we need snacks.  We get those tomorrow. 

I stocked sodas, made up some more easter eggs for the machines.  Ron is just delighted. 

Pretty soon, time to go.  We went to the bank and made a very small deposit into personal, covering the bills.  Ron hashed out the new cell phone plan (free nights and weekends, 1000 shared minutes). 

We went home, I tried to take a nap, but the demon toilet flooded on me.  I'd love to get that toilet redone, or a new one, one day. 

Once I mopped up (literally, and Ron was great about bringing the mop), I took my nap.  We got up and went to the chicken place. 

Guess who was hiring?  Yup.  I found that encouraging, and it's right on the bus line. 

I like the manager, too. 

However, I will be praying and seeking God's will on this, because I have learned I don't want to go out of His will.  His will, not mine. 

Ron ate most of 3 chicken specials.  We got one for the driver, who is a food snob and declined it.  So, Ron split the 4th chicken special with the cats (he deboned and skinned it before feeding to the cats).  They had a good time.  Bubba is still stretched and comatose on the couch behind me. 

Sadly, after the rollovers and smashing him in bed the other night, he has not returned to my bed.  He still lets me pet him, though. 

So, if you pray, please ask God to make His will clear to me. I want to please God. 

If possible, I would also like to take some financial stress off Ron. 

Poor Bubba

I bought some easter eggs and easter candy yesterday.   I had a vision of hiding them in the vending machines, behind merchandise, for the customers to discover when they made a purchase.   Ron loved the idea when I told him. 

He wanted me to put happy faces on the eggs, in fact.  I told him they were very brightly colored, and he was happy.  It is awesome to have a supportive boss. 

My "new" food machine is not giving change.  It is very frustrating, the "new" machine being such a booger!  The coin mechanism on the bottled soda vendor is still acting up, I need to realign it I think.  I'll pray over it before I start working. 

God allows various trials - right now they are work trials.  Bad sales and naughty vending machines.  Happily, we have a very good relationship with the repairman and he's coming out tomorrow. 

I also got yelled at by a customer, who accused me of "raising prices".  The other vendor is selling coffee more cheaply - I don't have an issue with that, but the guy acted like our prices had "just" been 50 cents and we had recently increased it, "ripping him off".  I told him, we've had this machine for 9 years.  When it was installed, we set prices at 75 cents.  The other vendor is supposed to have been charging 75 cents for the last 9 years.  If you make a stink our manager will force them to raise all their prices to 75 cents.  

Sometimes I think people only buy merchandise so they can yell at me.  Ron reminds me "Don't take it personally". 

It's tiring.  I just want to go in, maintain and fill my machines, make sure the customers have delicious choices, take care of any legitimate customer needs, and go home. 

After grumpy left, I started hiding my easter eggs.  Surprisingly, I found a lot of places in the cold food vending machine. Once we get the "new" one fixed, I'll be putting some in there, too.   I also got some small baggies today so I can tape a bag with candy to the back of snack items. 

Ron is taking me to get more snack inventory pretty soon.  Good, I need it.  At least the chips and pastries are selling. 

After work, we came home for a little bit, and then went to our other location.  It's near a dollar store, so I got more eggs and candy, and finally, my toenail clippers.  Then I got lunch and took it to Ron.  We ate, and our ride came when we finished.  It doesn't always work that way, but when it does, it's nice. 

We came home and I took a nap.  I felt horrible when Bubba got into bed with me, by my feet. 

I was awakened, twice, in the middle of the night.  I had rolled over on Bubba both times, and he was struggling to free himself.  When I woke up from my nap, he was gone. 

Poor Bubba. 

Toenail clippers

Ron would tell me "You need to make a list" and he's right. 

Today I went to the Dollar Store because I'm still sick and I don't want to infect all the cute babies, pregnant mommies, and I think someone is fighting cancer.  I got some more tissues (a box for the house and some to give away), cold remedies (some to give away), some sugar free lemon drops (love them), etc. 

I forgot the toenail clippers.  Now, I could just pick at the nails, but I'll probably get an ingrown.  Generally I don't let my toenails grow very long.  I'm trying to leave them alone, but they do need a little snip. 

I just knew I was forgetting something.  I found some nice rose-scented bath salts, but forgot the clippers!  Oh, well, life in my brain. 

I had a good day, a nice nap with Bubba-cat.  My parents (Dad and adoptive Mom) are coming to visit in a few months, that will be fun. 

I've got my clothes in the dryer for tomorrow.  Thank God for appliances. 

Like I told Ron, I don't need top of the line, I just want something basic and durable.  My washer and dryer get my clothes clean, I'm happy. 

I just wish I could have remembered the toenail clippers. 

Let me be myself

"I just wrote a post about you."  I told Ron "You are a wonderful listener.  One of my readers asked me if you knew about all the nice things I wrote about you, and I had to say I wasn't sure."  Ron grumbled a little. He has a hard time with compliments sometimes. 

When I was given this computer, it had music.  One of the songs "Let me be myself".  I like it.  One thing I really like about it: Ron does let me be myself. 

Years ago, he used to try to conform me to a standard he felt was "normal".  Sometimes I felt like a lump of play-doh.  I used to get so frustrated and angry. 

I am well aware, I can do everything to be the best I can, socially, but every now and then I'm going to say the wrong thing and get that look.  Ron used to want to "perfect" me, but it's impossible for a normal person, I think, much less somone with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.  I read "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and that helped tremendously. 

Can you imagine how the "typical" guy, with God issues, would have felt about my first Bible Handout?  Much less the second?  Next month is 3 years of on-the-corner Bible Handouts.  Ron just said "OK, that's your thing.  Have fun and don't get killed."  Last year he started coming along. 

I'm not a good housekeeper.  The house is generally a mess, clean, but a mess.  Ron would rather have a perfectly organized sanctuary, but he is understanding of my limitations.  He seldom yells at me over the housekeeping, and does what he can to help (taking out the trash, cleaning the litter box). 

Let's get to the insanity: living with an insane person with no medication for 14 years.  Ron's getting some kind of crown in heaven for that!   He has always been very supportive and understanding of the price I pay, in side effects, and does whatever he can to help. 

That's a pretty big deal. 

I won't go into the details, but I also see God working on Ron with the drinking.  The important thing for me: don't make my happiness dependent on his alcohol level.  Be happy, regardless.  Trust God. 

The God who made the universe, Mighty To Save, can handle my issues. 

Dr Problem

Years ago, Ron majored in psychology because he wanted to help people.  He dropped out of the program because he realized a lot of them didn't want to get better. 

He used to enjoy playing "Dr Problem" - tell me your problem and I'll give you some advice, help you work through it.  It was actually a gripe of mine for years, he'd come home after 12 hours at work and spend his free time talking to friends on the phone. 

Happily, we have gotten to the point where instead of needing advice on how to deal with Ron, I am asking him for advice on how to deal with others. 

So, I talked to him.  He is a good listener and often hears what I'm not saying. 

"Heather" he told me "It sounds like you feel this person is saying you're too stupid to make your own decisions.  That they are saying they know your body better than you do." 

Yes.  That was exactly it.  [The aspartame thing again, now, in addition to making me bald - which you have all clearly seen from my video blogs, it will also make me blind. -rolleyes-]

I'm glad I picked him. 

Video blog, some coughing

Too tired to write, so I made a video blog

Extrovert

"I love you" I told Bubba as I stroked his silky black head "But if I give you more ground beef you'll get sick!"
That's right, Valentine's Day at my house: go to work, come home, bringing "homework" (a vending machine manual).  Take a nap, wake up, Ron eats a TV dinner and some popcorn, I cook myself some macaroni with ground beef. 

The cats love cooked ground beef, and I use very mild paprika to season the meat.  Bubba ate about a quarter cup, don't let him fool you.  Baby Girl ate a couple of Tablespoons.  Ron loves it when I spoil her. 

"She's pretty cute" I tell him.  She is so Ron's cat, it's touching and amusing all at once. 

It made me so angry, thinking about the burglary, because I just knew she was reclining happily in my chair when those cheese brains kicked in the door.  They must have scared her.  Grr.  Thank God she could run out the cat door. 

It sounds odd, but I do hope "my" thieves are still alive.  I hope they do take the chance to repent and get saved.  I would like to see them in heaven one day, along with all the other done-me-wrongs. 

Work was pretty quiet.  I stocked, did what I needed to do.  Our evil coin mech in the bottled soda vendor keeps jamming and ripping people off.  I HATE that.  Hate it. 

I have tried to fix it, but no luck, so we set all prices to $1 and I put up a note "Bills only, coins WILL jam, sorry", taping over the coin slot.  If they put the coins in after that, well, I'm sorry, I did what I could.  Most of our revenue comes from bills, anyway. 

When I get an opportunity, I think we're going in on Saturday, I will take the thing off and do a throrough workup.  I need a right angle bit driver, for it. 

Every now and then, I recognize, "I'm the daughter of an engineer, the grandaughter of an airplane mechanic, the niece of a CPA."  I have a lot of left brain and I don't mind getting my hands a little dirty. 

It's funny, because I always see myself as more of an intuitive, feeling, person, but personality tests always say I am an extroverted, analytical, person.  Interesting. 

Ron has become an introvert.  He smiles at me now because I am the outgoing person. 

I think we balance each other well. 

Could have died

The guys who robbed me may have died this morning.  Link  If you don't want to look at the website, and the Chronicle is infested with popups and ads, basically it goes like this: 

Last night, a homeowner one subdivision over caught two men breaking into his car.  He confronted them and chased them.  They got in their compact car and fled.  They ran several red lights, and went into freeway traffic.  They were killed by a Chevy Silverado (the same model vehicle that ran over Ron!). 

They could have been the guys who robbed me.  I mean, the odds seem pretty slim that you would have 2 robbery gangs working a 1 mile square area. 

That said, these guys were latino.  According to my (latino) neighbor, the guys who robbed me were black. 

I haven't seen any photos of the guys - but it's wierd to think the guys who robbed me could have died this morning. 

Just in case "my" guys are still alive, I'm praying for them.  It really makes me realize, our time is short. 

A trip to Walmart

So, how was my day? 

Well, I woke up once last night.  Not bad.  I woke up again with a pretty nasty headache.  I took some Excedrin but realized I would not be sleeping after 200 mg of caffeine.  I said goodbye to Bubba, who's been sleeping with me every night and every nap, and got up. 

I took a shower.  Normally I'm really stingy with the water, I turn it off to lather up, etc.  Not today.  I was sick, and I needed the steam.  I didn't take forever but I had a good time.  It is funny, I opened a bar of rose soap, and I can't smell it.  I don't know whether the fragrance faded or I'm that congested... I also threw away the last cup of milk in the old carton because I couldn't smell it. 

Ron is allergic to the cats, like I am, so he is generally congested himself and not a good "consult". 

I got out, dried off.  I need to finish washing the towels.  The tub mat was ruined a while back and I need a new one, or I need to designate an old towel "Tub Mat". 

My head didn't hurt after the excedrin, hasn't hurt all day, which has been great.  Even the roots of  my upper teeth hurt for a few days there.  I ran a slight fever, but not until later, and boy have I been draining. 

I had a small breakfast, did my God Time, got dressed, got online, and off to Walmart.  I left Ron up front and did my shopping.  I took quite a while looking at the toothpaste.  I like the Colgate Total.  However, it's all mint!  I am sick of mint!  I want cinnamon!  After several minutes of consideration, I got some Close-up cinnamon, instead.  I think it is more important to enjoy brushing my teeth than to use the "best". 

I looked at cough drops, got distracted by the vitamin C powdered stuff (Emergen-c) and realized for the price of one box, I could buy a bottle of 1-gram vitamin C tablets.  So, I did that.  I got some mint tea (I know, I wanted tea, not toothpaste), and came back for wild cherry cough drops, sugarfree of course. 

I have been using cough drops left and right - that might explain this morning's headache.  If I get too many sugar alcohols I get headaches. 

I looked all over for "facial" tissue.  I couldn't find it.  So I got toilet tissue instead.  My nose is OK with that and it's cheaper.  I can use the leftovers, after I'm better, in the bathroom, which is better than a half used box of facial tissue lying around. 

Ron didn't want anything, but I told him about the Glory Red Beans and Rice in a can.  He was intrigued, and loves it.  He wanted me to tell you "it's delicious" (but, he assured me, not as good as my pintos). 

I thought about getting some detox tea, or special vitamins, but figured it would be better for me to eat real veggies.  Later on, I got about a pound and a half of delicious black grapes, some mustard greens, and some salad mix. 

I went to look at the soda.  The Diet Dr Pepper in the bottles is up to almost $3.50.  That's too much.  I only had a little money.  I looked, in vain, for the generic.  No joy. 

I went over to the powdered drink mix and found a "Citrus enerrgy" mix with 60 mg of caffine (about my norm) per serving.  The powder comes in a little stick, which you add to water, so the whole works is 60 mg.  It was also twice the quanity and half the price of the Dr Pepper.  I'm hoping it works for me, so I can do that instead. 

I don't mind using a little caffeine in the morning. 

Then I hit the dairy case.  Large curd cottage cheese.  I love the stuff.  I could eat the whole tub, and it's like 20 carbs.  I got some unsweetened soy milk for my shakes.  I have plenty of frozen foods, so, after that, I went to get the veggies. 

The "fresh" greens looked horribly limp.  Not much nutrition there, I'm afraid.  Maybe I went at the wrong time of day.  I got the salad mix, and some packaged, prepared, mustard greens.  I take them out and rinse them off before cooking (in my case, microwaving).  I'll probably put a little bacon grease in there for flavor. 

The grapes looked really good, but I told myself no.  "Why" I thought "It's a fruit.  I can eat them on my eating plan."  Then the thought, what if they taste awful?  So, I opened a bag and ate one, hoping to God it was good so I could pay for it. 

Yum.  I love black grapes.  I put them in the cart. 

You see, when my Dad was a single Dad he had to take me with him, when he went grocery shopping.  I was between 3 and 5. 

Everytime, he'd put me in the cart, and we'd start at the bread section, working our way around to produce.  If I was "good", he would carefully select me a grape. 

One time, I was "so good" I got two!  Good times! 

So, I love a good grape, always have.  They're only about one carb each.  This batch came from Chile. 

I checked out, met up with Ron, and found our driver.  I was kind of sniffly by then but it was OK - she had the same thing.  I shared some remedies when we got to the house. 

I put away the groceries and went to bed, slept for hours.  Well, I'm still healing, and it's my day off.  God knows I need the rest. 

I woke up, maneuvered around Bubba (he has been with me every step of the way!) and got up.  For dinner, I had some bacon, grapes, and a shake. 

I've been having some trouble with the blender, and Bubba hates it.  I may start using the shaker bottle instead. 

Jesus would do

I'm a little irked right now, and I'm sure some of you will laugh at me when you realize why I'm upset. 

First, I'll state what I do: I hand out Bibles.  I stand on a median, at a stoplight, with a free Bibles sign.  If someone wants a Bible(s) they get as many as they want.  I try to have Spanish as well.  That's it.  I go out there, stand with the sign, and distribute to those who want a Bible, generally in bad areas. 

This guy does not do that.  Now, in a lot of respects I think he is doing right.  The Bible says God hates hands that shed innocent blood.  The 10 commandments say murder is wrong.  He has children, himself.  I understand his motivation. 

However, I do not believe God wants us to be confrontational like that.  I can think of a millon other ideas - a placard with a photo of a woman's hands, reaching out "I'll take care of your baby".  Wouldn't that be great?  Sharing the truth in love, folks. 

The abortion protest gang don't seem to see it that way, it is all about confrontation, you are killing your kid, you are a sinner, etc.  Well, if you walk up to me and attack me, it's going to put my back up.  I will NOT listen to anything you have to say.  I will curse you out and walk off.  He's lucky he's only been attacked this time. 

Back in the throes of  "my" sin, my Dad, very carefully, would suggest that maybe it was a bad idea to live with Ron.  He did it in a very delicate manner.  It still put my back up.  I was stuck in sin, I didn't want to hear the truth, and hearing it just made me close my heart and ears.

What touched me the most, when he told me "Even though I'm disappointed, you're still my daughter, and I love you."  That made me feel the worst about my choices, and it wasn't done with intent. 

I believe, if you want to reach a woman about to have an abortion, you would need to reach out in love.  You need to care about her, hear her story, find out why she thinks she has to do this.  Where is the father?  Maybe she was gang-raped.  Maybe she took a toxic drug before she knew she was pregnant. 

She's listening.  Now, you tell her, if you can't raise/don't want the baby, we will find someone to take it for you.  I would have a photo album of potential adoptive parents.  I would let her know she could pick the family, a family that wouldn't "mind" a child born from rape or with possible "birth defects". 

I believe that's what Jesus would do.  He wouldn't be waving around a "Babies are murdered here" sign, I'm sure of that.   

God is not a vending machine

I have thought about this all day, and decided to post it.  I have changed many details. 

I know 2 people.  Both of them are married, long-term, and devoted to their spouses.  One man, is a born-again Christian.  The other man is a pagan, posting about doing various rituals. 

If I haven't blocked the lady who posts lots of pictures of her very favorite president, safe bet to say I won't block the pagan.  God calls Christians to be a light in the world.  That means sharing my faith, not hiding it off in a corner with the "chosen". 

One reason I have the blog. 

So, both wives were in horrible accidents last year.  The Christian went about how you'd expect "Mary was in a horrible car wreck, please pray!"  "Still in ICU, please pray"  "Doing better, praise God!".  You get the idea.  Everyone said they'd be praying.  I prayed like hell.  I love this couple.  Mary had a lot of trials, and a lifelong disability, as a result of the accident.  The husband was a huge light to a lot of people, and still posting Bible verses every day.  He knew, even if she died, she was going to heaven.  1000% certain of that - we all were.  The unreached don't have that.  He knew God would listen.  God might not act, but he heard every prayer. 

Frankly, in that case, I only worried about caregiver burnout. 

Then the pagan was in an accident.  I have noticed the unreached, when facing a trial, do not ask for prayer,"Send good thoughts", generally the context.  I said, "I'll be praying" - I'm a born again Christian, that's what I do, go right up to the throne and beg for healing.  The husband "liked" it.  I kept praying.  Other Christians said they were praying.  The wife got very ill, and he began begging everyone to pray.  Who could say no to that?  We all did.  She got better. 

About a month later, they posted how they were going to do a ritual again.  A pagan ritual.  Did the pagan whatevers heal your wife?  No.  She didn't get better until you asked people to pray.  They have continued to post about doing various rituals as they return to paganism. 

God is not a vending machine.  You can't put in your prayer, get a healing, walk off, go back to sin, and put in another prayer the next time something goes wrong.  What do you think will happen the next time you have a crisis?  God is generous, a lot more than I'd be, He might even answer you again.  But sooner or later He won't hear you because you are mocking Him. 

Galatians 6:7
Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.

Cut and paste

Well, I only woke up once last night.  When I did wake up, next to Bubba, that handsome black cat you see in my sidebar, I had a terrible headache. 

I took some Excedrin, it is gone.  But I'm up. 

Still coughing but I feel "better".  I actually think I'm going to live.  I'm staying home today and resting, but it's nice to know. 

Ron was annoyed, when I turned on my computer the music woke him up.  He was very cranky, and went back to bed.  I apologized.  I really didn't know it would bother him. 

So, I posted on my various forums and came here.  Two comments.  Oh, boy. 

Nope.  Two spams. 

I hate spam.  I hate badly tranliterated "offers" to "check out my page".  I hate messages so incomprehensible I have to wade through and pick out keywords.  They all start with phony compliments, then they go to "give me your money" sooner or later. 

I wish they'd leave me alone.  I know there's a human being at the other end of it, one I should be praying for, but it makes me angry that a spammer wants to use MY blog to make money, to turn it into a cheap billboard for fake viagra or whatever. 

Insulting.  Even more insulting to think I'd fall for the phony, badly translated compliments.  Too bad I deleted all my spam or I'd do a cut and paste. 

Video Blog, "Adequate"

Good for much

Well, my head doesn't hurt.  I was able to work, did everything required.  I must have looked pretty bad (I think my cheekbone/eye area was pretty red and puffy) because people kept asking me if I was OK, instead of the usual morning greetings. 

It's just now dawning that maybe they thought I'd been crying.  Awww.  That is very sweet. 

At any rate, I BEGGED God to please keep me from infecting anyone.  One of the guys at work had a bad cough I remember from last week, he might actually have infected me.  If that's the case everyone else is either sick or immune. 

For our ride home, we had the guy I think will never, ever, forgive me for using the word "Crackheads" to describe his neighborhood.  Here's a link.  Notice the Houston Chronicle uses the word "Crackheads".  [raised eyebrow] 

Anyway, he came, and took us home.  Thank God. 

I took more cold remedy - I am so sick of taking cold remedy.  I had to stop the Wellbutrin, so I could take Sudafed.  So, I've got Sudafed, Mucinex, Tylenol, and now cough suppressant on board, not counting the lithium, haldol, and supplements. 

Let's hear it for my stomach.  Poor thing.  Still fighting. 

I HAVE had more appetite today.  That's a very good sign. 

So, sorry to ramble but see paragraph about all the stuff I'm taking - when we got home I had a snack and tried to lie down, but I kept coughing and coughing. 

I'm glad I'm draining,  but I really wanted a nap and cuddle with Bubba.  Agh. 

When Ron wakes up (he is out) I will file the online accounting report, probably eat and take my meds.  I doubt I'll be good for much after that. 

Decided not to dwell

When the medication is on board, I think the sinus thing isn't as bad as a migraine.  Then it wears off and I think they're even. 

I will be so glad when I'm better.  Ron caught what I have, but not severely.  He just coughs a little and a sneeze now and then. 

I need to make some tea.  I feel jittery from the sinus medication.  Achy and clogged.  Lethargic and miserable. 

BUT. I have decided not to dwell, so this blog will be devoted to some happy memories. 

When I was little, my family had a cat.  My mother was very ill with bipolar and alcohol.  I was severely neglected.  However, my cat used to get in the crib with me and keep me company, groom me, let me slobber on her and grab her, and set gentle boundaries by getting out of the crib, and arm's reach, when needed.  I sure loved that cat. 

After my mother left, I loved flying on the plane to see Grandma in El Paso. 

When I was a little older, my Dad put me in daycare (as soon as he could).  I loved daycare, hated leaving Daddy, but loved the activities.  When I had my 4th birthday, the bakery asked me what I'd like on my birthday cake.  I told them, "An airplane".  They laughed at me, but I was insistent.  I wanted an airplane on my cake.  Dad insisted.  I got my airplane cake and Daddy even came to daycare for my party.  Good times. 

I could go on and on, I might share more. 

Like Ron, in a coma, 2 and a half days after his accident.  He's on life support and the ethics committe wants to take him off.  I'm standing by his bed, 11 at night, with his nurse.  Ron finally responds to commands and she is able to take him off the ventilator.  The doctors were shocked.  The ethics committee lost their chance to take him off life support, because he did it himself.

I can also go into the awfulness of realizing Ron had forgotten me, when he woke up.  I never existed.  If I tried to tell him he screamed at me to leave him alone, liar.  Some of you (grin) may say I missed my chance there.  I prayed about it and told Ron I was "Someone who loved you, and when you get better I'm going to take you home and spoil you rotten."  He liked that, even if he still kept asking who I was.  I finally went home to get clean clothes, take a nap and shower, and the hospital called.  I could hear yelling in the background.  It was Ron.  Shouting my name.  "I want Heather!  Where's Heather?"  I told him I'd be there once he finished dinner (why they called - he wouldn't eat unless I fed him), and he ate every bit, even the yogurt, which he hates. 

I could also go into the first moment I saw Bubba - I lost my heart to him.  I remember how honored I felt when he let me pet him for the first time.  How honored I feel when he climbs in bed with me, even when I'm sick and couhing. 

Yup.  Gotta focus on the good times, drink my hot tea with lemon and honey, and get ready for a nice hot compress. 

I'm happy with that

I sat on the edge of Ron's bed, talking away.  I'd made some pudding, the kitten wanted it, and I made her walk all over Ron after the pudding bowl.  Up to the shoulder.  Down to the hip. Across the ribcage, as Ron laughed and giggled.  We gossiped about some Old Testament scandals, and had a great quality time. 

He was drunk.  He was so drunk he almost fell down going to the bathroom. 

One thing Al-anon has taught me - don't make my happiness conditional on Ron being sober.  If I do that I won't be very happy. 

I'm sure people think I am saying too much; but I know there's someone else out there, many of them, hurting so badly over their alcoholic spouse.  Wondering if they can ever be happy. 

God has given me the grace to accept the things I can't change. 

I'm happy with that. 

{The kitten did get a few licks of pudding when I finished, it was lemon, not chocolate)

Are you taking your medication?

Whenever someone asks me for advice about bipolar disorder, I always ask the same question:  "Are you/they taking their medication?"  Because, in my opinion, if they aren't, the conversation ends there. 

No one knows better than I, how messed up it gets inside an unmedicated bipolar head.  I couldn't reason.  I couldn't think. I was a slave to my illness, raging at everyone.  The only salvation came in the form of pink capsules (lithium), and a nice little orange antipsychotic (haldol).  Without them, you had better run like hell. 

I earned the nickname "Heather the Hatchet" for just that reason, and that was before the illness got really bad.  Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to educate people.  I love to help. 

But there's no helping someone off their meds.  They have to make the decision to take it, as directed and get stable before anyone can do anything with them. 

It's like a ravenous animal.  I'm not going to stick my arm in that cage!  You shouldn't either! 

People get upset, I tell them "If they aren't taking their meds, tell them you will leave them.  If they continue to refuse, do leave them." 

"Oh, I can't do that.  He's sick."  Yeah, and they will drag you down with them until they get medicated.  

I'm not blind, either.  I have bipolar friends on the internet.  The ones unmedicated disappear for long periods of time, pop up, post so much I just know they are manic, get into dramas, and disappear again. 

Every single one, save one, has an unstable life.  Every one. 

See, what we, the patient don't always realize, and this only solidified for me recently: "I have an obligation to provide a stable, loving person, for the people around me, loved ones, friends, and strangers.  They deserve to have me at my best, medicated and functioning." 

For those who whine about side effects - see the above paragraph.  I dealt with horrible nausea and vomiting every day for over 6 years.  I deal with brain fog, fatigue.  If you've seen my video blogs you've seen me "haz a dumb".  I get migraines, nasty vomiting ones.  Right now I'm dripping sweat from a hot flash. 

And you know what?  I have never heard "I love you" so much in my life.  My husband loves me and values me all the more - because I am willing to endure those side effects in order to provide him with an optimal life.  I have never met a new person who didn't believe I was "fine".  It's amusing really, I mention depression and the new acquaintences say "I didn't know you had depression.  Are you really mentally ill?" 

And I laugh and laugh, to myself. 

So, here it is:  Are you taking your medication? 

Back to life

I'm feeling a little better. 

I think the veggie soup with red pepper flakes really did it.  I also have cold medicine on hand at all times, so if I get sick I don't have to arrange transportation to get some medicine, and infect everyone along the way, either. 

Speaking of infections, I decided to stay home from church.  They have babies, pregnant women, no way am I getting them sick. 

I felt so horrible this morning, I'm not putting that on anyone.  Not even the guys who robbed us.  It was that bad. 

The stuff I'm taking now helps.  I feel semi functional.  No depression.  A little mania at times.  Bubba was very cuddly (he hates coughing and I am coughing as I drain, so I don't expect to see him much now) when I felt my worst.  I'm drinking a lot of hot tea, it helps. 

I just can't wait to clear this hurdle and get back to my life.  Once I put my food into fitday I'll see if I have enough carbs left to eat a few pretzels.  I've been craving salt all day. 

The last thing I want

Well, I have 2 awesome cats and a sinus infection.  Yuck. 

When I had that viral sinus thing back in December, I was so glad I was not clogged up.  I didn't escape this time. 

Somewhere between the fevers, the roots of my teeth killing me (it reminded me of getting my braces adjusted), and the drilling agony, it dawned one me - 2 AM.  "I have a sinus infection".  I won't go into any more details. 

Hot tea, hot compresses, medication, herbs, all have been used, to some effect.  The pain is bearable.  I can sort of breathe though my nose.  I'm draining, not as much as I'd like, but something. 

I might make some veggie soup with red pepper in it.  That ought to get things excited.  I was even thinking about wasabi, but I don't have any. 

The last couple days, Ron's been asking me if I want to go anywhere.  One of the ways his love language, acts of service, manifests, is in giving me transportation where I'd like to go.  However, I want to stay home. 

The last thing I want is to get some poor driver or other service professional sick with this misery! 

So, between 2 and about 5 I was awake.  Baby Girl slept on Ron's wheelchair, but woke up when Bubba came home around 4.  He got up on the sofa next to me, and followed me when I went to bed.  We had a good cuddle. 

When I finally got up around 9, Baby Girl, laying on her side, extended both paws towards me.  I put out a hand, and she kneaded it gently as she meowed.  What sweet babies. 

When I got up at 9, I weighed myself, down two more pounds, to 221.  So that's 12.8 pounds lost. 

That was a happy discovery. 

Look up

Someone asked me if I had a "rapture song". I picked this. Sure describes the world.

OK, heavy metal moment over with, onto some other topics.

I have some friends who like to mock the administration online, complain about FEMA camps, talk about homeland security and the ammo stockpile, etc.  You get the idea. 

One person, not a friend, told me they were putting nanotechnology into my medication!  My crazy pills!  Even if it's true I'm still better off taking them than running around buggo. 

I always want to tell them, are you really thinking this through?  Because if you're right, and this evil government is out to get us, if they are killing people for "talking", what do you think they're going to do to you for "blabbing" and mocking them?  Send you a birthday card? 

I think everyone reading this knows I am a conservative, born-again, Christian.  I would like my leaders to also be born-again, conservatives. 

They are not.  But, people, being careful is just common sense. 

I'll give you an example.  Years ago, the blind vendors were very angry at the director of the program and were campaigning to have him fired.  In our case, he had been nothing but good to us - very supportive.  How many guys would "let" a blind man in a wheelchair go back to work?  It was just what Ron needed. 

I quoted Machiavelli to Ron "If you're going to attack a prince, make sure you kill him" - meaning if you attack someone in a position of power they will remember it.  Ron refused to sign the petition, and Mike is still wonderful to us. 

So, when I see people going on about how the government is going to get us all, I can't help but think, if you really believe that why are you telling the world?  If the government has a list, you just put yourself at the top. 

The world sucks.  It will continue to slide downhill, on the highway to hell.  The rapture will occur (I'm betting they say aliens got us, which of course sounds like I went off my meds).  The antichrist will make his appearance - he will be a savior at first.  Then things will really suck, but it's not too late to get saved. 

That's what I think.  If the world isn't going to hell then I'll have a long wait - so the worse it gets the more I look up.

Morning video blog

OK, HTML isn't working.  Here is the link for a video blog:  http://youtu.be/-C1q5t4yWhI

Let me try again. 

Wednesday

So, we went to Walmart, I got my food, and we came home. 

The fridge needed cleaning, I did that while I had the energy.  When I ran out of energy, I stopped.  At least half the fridge looks great.  I haven't had the energy to clean the fridge in a while. 

I took out the trash, beat the garbage truck.  Yay.  Once they came by I put the can away and locked the gate.  Sad that I have to lock my gate. 

The hoard next door is growing, but the kitten loves it.  I'm not too worried.  They are generally quiet, stay out of my yard, like the cats, and don't let their 14 year old get impregnated in the driveway, like the last family.  Her boyfriend used to have "dates" with her in his car as they parked in the driveway, then throw the used condom in a baggie into my yard.  Of course she got pregnant and had a baby - in her teens.  It was heartbreaking and it made me so angry - the whole family knew he was using her like a whore, but they didn't care.  I made sure they knew.  I put one of the baggies on Dad's windshield, where he had to take it off in order to drive. 

It made me furious.  I was glad to see them leave.  Of course bad guys would drive by, see her with her baby, and make all kinds of propositions because she already had a baby, didn't she?  Ugh. 

So, I don't mind the hoard.  At least he protects his girls.  Oh, I'd get so angry (back then, the meds weren't right).  I never said anything but one day I was so upset about it I put my hand in a wasp nest and got stung (only once, thank God). 

I can live with the hoard.  I was so happy cleaning out the fridge, while it lasted. 

Then I took a nap, I was pretty beat.  Bubba got in bed with me and we had a nice cuddle.  Ron started laughing at a sitcom about the same time Bubba started sneezing in my face.  I think my cat is allergic to me - when I got up he stopped sneezing! 

Ron had been drinking and wanted to talk.  He wanted some quality time, but it can be a little challenging.  He was very sweet, hung on everything I said, but I don't like what alcohol does to his mind, period. 

Moderately depressed; I think I'll go to bed early.  I don't have a lot of energy. 

Tomorrow should be fun, Ron and I have some things planned. 

No grudges

Ron woke me up last night, talking in his sleep.  I got up, went over to his room, and shut his door, saying "It's the door for you".  I didn't know he was asleep.  He woke up cranky.  Not a good half hour. 

I figured, if you're talking in your sleep I can just shut the door without talking, but Ron wants me to get the digital recorder, record him talking, and then wake him up.  What? 

Trying to be delicate here; see Ron believes I hallucinated him talking.  Even though I have "proven" in the past that he does sleep talk. 

In "How to act right when your spouse acts wrong" Leslie talks about how Ron's faults reveal my own failures.  I was lying in bed, thinking, "Ron and I are looking at this through completely different lenses.  He is feeling persecuted because I 'woke him up'.  I am feeling persecuted because he won't let me go back to sleep."  Eventually, we both fell asleep. 

I woke up really tired.  Why?  I want to blame Ron, but it's not like he said "I'm going to talk in my sleep".  I did wake him up.  God knows I get very cranky if anyone disturbs my sleep. 

Ron woke up in a very good, normal mood.  Yay.  I hate grudges, having them, or having them against me.  Off to Walmart in a bit. 

I need more dairy stuff (yogurt, cottage cheese, milk), maybe toothpaste.  I need to make a deposit so things don't bounce. 

So, I'm off to try to make it a good one.  I really believe life is 90% how we respond, and only 10% what happens.  Not very grammatical but you get the idea. 

Something in the "butter"

Jillian, I swear you were in my computer "Don't do the diet pills, they do bad things to your metabolism".  Today found me at the Dollar Store, where I picked up some "Diet Dots" (they are made in America).  I didn't have my usual depression - not as bad, at least, so I was seriously thinking about buying a more serious product.  OK!  I'll wait! 

The day started off pretty depressed.  I couldn't even apply my hair stuff - I was doing well to wash it, brush it, and get it into the ponytail.  I was really proud of myself for pouring some veggie juice to go with my breakfast. 

We had great rides, all day.  We went to work, met the repairman.  He fixed the lock in 5 seconds, then fixed the coffee machine and leveled the food machine.  He didn't need to program it. I had. 

He was very nice about my mistake.  I always like to see him.  He left and I stocked sodas.  Then I put all the merchandise back in the food machine (the one with the, ah, lock).  I helped Ron with various things and he said I had been a huge help today. 

I really like to hear that - and he listened when I told him.  Good guy. 

We went home and he fell asleep for a while.  I woke him up when our next ride arrived.  Another great driver. 

Then we went to the Christian bookstore.  Ron serviced the machine while I ran to the Dollar Store.  He's been wanting microwave popcorn, I found his favorite brand in a 3-pack for a dollar.  I called him - yes, he wanted it. 

I never eat popcorn - migraines.  Yup.  I can eat a corn tortilla, but not popcorn.  Maybe it's something in the "butter". 

I got a few little things for the house, some instant drink mix for me, and some driver candy.  I paid up.  Next stop, Arby's. 

I can honestly take or leave most fast food.  Especially the french fries.  These days, most french fries are limp, unsalted, horridly non-crispy atrocities.  Except Arby's.  Oh, I love their curly fries. 

They are the only fry I eat.  When I was home, I checked, and determined I could eat a medium without blowing my carbs for the day.  I ordered a medium, and a couple of value sandwiches.  I take the bread off and just eat the meat. 

Ron is addicted to the Arby's fish sandwich.  They were on special, so he had me get him 2.  I was teasing him while he ate, putting a "paw" on him and meowing like the kitten. He growled as he continued to eat.  I think that's one food item he won't share with her. 

I brought the food back, and we ate, drinking sodas out of our vending machine (diet of course).  We finished up right about the pickup time, went out, there's our ride, ANOTHER guy I like. 

We had an excellent ride home and I took a nap. 

We have tomorrow off.  We are supposed to get severe rain, but I did have a nice little "hour out" today so I'm happy. 

I also have plenty of good books, lavender bubble bath, and powdered drink mix.  Or I could make a big pitcher of decaf green tea with lemon slices and drink that while sitting in the tub. 

Sounds fun.

A nice cuddle, at least

Today was a humbling experience and taught me a lot about myself.  I slept great, got up, and did my God Time.  Usually, during my God Time, I ask Him to help me work on my faults, hidden and known. 

For instance, pride is an issue for me.  I know that.  More on that later, in fact. 

It's interesting, my friend was worried about me "exposing" Ron - boy, if he'd only read some of the posts about me!  I don't hold back. 

So, we got to work.  There I am surrounded my machines *I* programmed, by locks *I* installed.  Ron is lucky to have me.  I stock everything, and it looks good.  I get the delivery and stocked it. 

We had a coin jam in the bottled drink vendor.  I prayed about it, disassembled it, and fixed the jam quickly.  Then I cleared out the error messages.  I felt like I could do anything after that.  It looked a lot like this.

Our new vending machine has a troublesome lock.  It is difficult to open and requires a separate key.  One of our repairman said "I can pick any lock but a Medeco".  The new lock is not a Medeco.  We use a t-handle cylinder. 

I thought, "I have time to fix this.  I am tired of this lock.  Ron's complained about it too."  I looked around at all the vending machines.  Of them all, I installed the locks on all of them, save one (the coffee machine).  Ron was in the bathroom. 

I went and got the extra medeco and the screwdriver.  I went to work.  Imagine my horror when I realized the door wouldn't lock at all now, and I couldn't remove the lock from the machine.  The lock mechanism (many parts) needs to be disassembled. 

You can imagine how much fun I had telling Ron.  He was, understandably, upset, and yelled at me.  No name calling, really.

I was pretty decent in my response at work.  I just told him "We need to take all the money out of the machine, remove the inventory, and tape the door shut.  That's all I can do today."  Ron called the repairman.  He could come out tomorrow. 

So, I got in there and removed the manual, change bank, money from the validator, and all product.  Then I shut the door and taped it shut.  That's all I can do for today. 

By then, it was about time to leave.  I took Ron out in the wheelchair. 

That's when things got ugly, on my end.  Ron was still upset.  He kept saying "Don't you ever touch my machines again!  You get permission before you touch anything." 

That's where I screwed up - and I always want to be honest about my faults.  I got sarcastic with him "What about stocking?  Do I have to get permission to stock?  What if there's a coin jam?  Sir, can I please fix the coin jam?"  Not my best moment. 

Sarcastic, bitter, and proud.  I did not like what I was seeing in myself, or my tendency to justify it by looking at Ron.  He has a major head injury.  I do not - yes, I have brain damage, but I have lived with this for 38 years.  He has not.

All things considered, he did pretty well.  He was very, very, upset but kept it pretty civil.  He didn't get verbally abusive. 

I ask God to work on my humility - boy, today did it.  It is very embarrassing to "wreck" a vending machine. Normally I can do many minor service tasks and machine programming. 

Not today. I guess God is showing me, I need to keep working on that pride.  And the sarcasm.  I didn't like who I was, at that moment. 

Once I had calmed down a little, I did, sincerely, apologize to Ron.  He accepted.  I didn't do it because I was worried he would *get* me, but because I regretted my actions. 

I have found this book to be very helpful in dealing with marriage issues.  One point the author makes: a flaw in your spouse will reveal your own flaws, as you respond. 

I have a tendency to put my back up, proud; get defensive; become bitter over past and present wrongs; and attack with sarcasm.  I need to work on that. 

I had a much better day once I got home.  Bubba, stretched in my bed.  Baby Girl, trotting around the house meowing cutely as she greeted us and investigated my lunch (cottage cheese, so I could take my lithium). 

I think my favorite part of the day - I wish I had a camera.  Bubba was completely hogging the center of my bed.  I tried to sleep between him and the edge.  That didn't work, it was too narrow for me.  So, I climbed out of bed, crawled across the bottom of the bed and up the other side, then laid down.  Bubba watched all of it silently.  After I laid down, he pressed his paws into my back and I fell asleep.  That was a nice cuddle. 

I sure hope tomorrow is better. 

Consoler

I woke up feeling useless.  Somehow, I've got it in my head, that because Ron drinks, God can't use me for evangelism. 

We won't look at 3 years of Bible Handouts to the contrary - just my own feelings. We won't look at all the evangelism before and around the Bible Handouts. 

Anyway, I felt like God was telling me to get online.  So I did.  And I found not one, but two of my friends are battling some issues I know well. 

I hope I was able to provide a little comfort for them.  Maybe God just wants me in "consoler" role for now. 

Wait on You

Well, depending on how my God Time goes, this will go either one of two ways. 

Either way, I would like to post a little tribute to Mr Bubba - my black cat.  He has been very loving of late. 

In fact, if I set my alarm early, I get a cuddle from him, pet him, good times.  A wonderful way to start the day.  I set tomorrow's alarm over half an hour early for just that purpose. 

Not to be outdone, Baby Girl left a dead lizard by my chair.  She loves me too.  She always gets rather distressed when she sees us cleaning the litter box.  That meme about "Stealing my poop" applies perfectly.  cartoon  Just substitute a freaked out brown tabby for the fat gray one. 

OK, off to do my God Time. 

"Wait on God".  I keep getting that message. 

It applies in several areas of my life: Ron's ongoing alcohol issue.  I'll say this, but it sounds awful -but I'm not going to hide something because it makes me look bad.  Even drinking, Ron treats me very well, most of the time, these days.  He is appreciative, respectful.  He doesn't curse me or call me names, 99.9% of the time.  He's helpful, tonight he changed the litter box.  He is considerate, wanting to provide me with transportation pretty much anywhere I need to go.  When you consider he could ride 2 hours each way, plus however long I'm there, that's a big sacrifice for a guy who'd really rather be lying in bed.  If I wanted a thing, he would do everything he could to get it for me. 

So, as far as concerns me, the alcohol use isn't really hurting me.  However, it's hurting Ron and that grieves me. 

I was able to take my heart before God tonight and say "Is there anyone I haven't forgiven?"  The answer is no.  I have either forgiven, or am in the process of forgiveness, with everyone who has hurt me and my loved ones (mainly Ron).  I pray for them daily - of course I had to ask God to put His love in my heart, and also ask Him to give me the will to pray for them - which He did, because that's what God does. 

I also wonder about the evangelism.  The way I see it, God has "only" had me treat people with kindness.  It doesn't seem like a big deal to get a driver a slice of pizza or some cookies, but that has been IT for me, lately.  He doesn't want me doing overt evangelism right now.  Ron and I are always sharing testimony. 

Of course I wonder, is there anything I could do?  "Wait on God"  OK, Lord. 

It's been my experience, God has me on hold for a while, then I have a period of insane evangelism activity for a while, leaving me exhausted, and then He puts me on hold again.  In the meantime here I am, sitting in my chair, waiting to be called up. 

"Wait on God" as I battle yet another depression. 
"Wait on God" as I pray for Ron to be delivered. 
"Wait on God" as I see hurting souls everywhere. 

Your will, not mine.  I guess I'll wait on You. 

Blind fashion advisor

I had a great morning.  I got up, took my shower.  I used the new hair stuff, combed it in.  Hair looks and feels great.  I wisely ate and took my medication before putting on the new blouse. 

"The Purple" Ron replied when I asked.  Yes, I ask him fashion advice!  I wore it with my jeans and sandals.  I felt very comfortable.  I noticed it was from Lane Bryant, so I guess that means I have 2 designer shirts. 

My weight is stuck.  Discouraging.  I have a couple ideas.  1.  Not eating any vegetables.  2.  Hormonal issues - in one low carb book the author said a woman can forget about weight loss, and just hope to maintain, for the last 2 weeks of her cycle.  I'm not sure about that but it seems to apply to my case.  3.  I have been going over my allotted 100 carbs a day - not every day but a few. 

Our ride was an hour late.  We barely made it there on time.  Ron and I agreed we'll attend the early service - everyone is up and about at 10 AM, ready to go shop, eat, etc.  A 7 AM pickup is a lot more feasible - and when we did it we had good trips. 

I just had to wait for Ron to work around to it.  On the way to church, we picked up the woman who lives in the bad apartment complex not far from our house - the one where the guy pointed a gun at me, a couple months ago. 

When I really lived in the ghetto, I never had any troubles.  It's only living in a middle class neighborhood - or maybe it's the fact that I rededicated my life to God and serve Him.  I don't know. 

At any rate, I detest that apartment complex.  They charge over $700 a month, trash everywhere, loose dogs, and I would hate to go there at night.  Happily, I don't live there. 

So, we got to church.  Got our ride and off we went.  We verified it would work to attend the early service.  Went to church, came home, and went to the warehouse. 

I needed supplies.  Sadly, donut lady, they were out of donuts.  As we rode over to the warehouse, I asked Ron what donut sold better when he stocked the machines (up until about 9 months ago).  "Chocolate" he told me. 

It was madness.  I parked Ron and headed off to the pastries.  I got honey buns, chocolate zingers, cheese danish, and cinnamon rolls.  I looked, in vain, for chocolate donuts, but they were sold out.  Clearly, Ron was right. 

I got the drinks he needed and we left.  Our vehicle almost ran out of gas on the way home, but it didn't.  Yay. 

Neighbors are having a party, so I turned up MY music.  I couldn't hear anything but my stuff.  It was great.  Ron just came by and told me they turned their music down - I guess they are watching the game.  They are talking loudly in the backyard, though. 

So, I'm still listening to music but not as loud. 

Not a bad weekend. 

Guinea Pig

While scrolling around Facebook, I noticed a sidebar ad: clinical trial for schizophrenia.  No way.  No way ever.  No way would I ever put an experiemental medication into my body. 

Now, I have a family member.  They have done clinical trials (not for that), and thought it was a lot of fun.  I have been strongly encouraged by this person to try whatever clinical trial comes along for bipolar, in Houston. 

No way.  No way ever.  It took me years to get to this point. 

Here's a good example, one the long timers will recognize.  The neighbor parked his truck in front of our house, slightly blocking our driveway.  Old Heather would have gone "buggo", to quote my husband.  I would have unleashed an angry tirade on the driver, called the police, and taken the war to the bloody end. 

I would have spent hours fuming, come on, guys, you're read a million posts on the subject.  I would not let it go. 

Today, we came home, and it was the driver with all the invective, I just sighed and said "They're having a party, Ron."  The driver rolled down his window and cursed the guy, shouting "Why don't you move?  He disabled!" 

I just got Ron up the driveway and figured, well, party time tonight.  I can crank my gospel rap without worrying about distubing anyone.  If they have loud spanish music - I have B-Shoc - I just found him today.  Love his work.  I can blast away, they blast away, everyone's happy. 

He's not the only one having a party! 

That's how I approach it now - instead of waging a bitter vendetta, I have my own party - because my meds are right.  That is a precious thing for me. 

I love being this person.  I can overlook "insults".  If Ron says something inappropriate, I just laugh and say "He has a head injury" - Ron chimes in "My filter's broke - whatever I think comes out my mouth." 

Yeah, I still get depressed.  I'd probably get a nasty depression if I won the lotto.  That's not going away until God comes back and restores my mind, no matter how many pills I take or what's going on in my life. 

I'm OK with that. 

I'm not OK with being a guinea pig.  We have enough problems in this house already. 

Last thought for the evening

I am not a victim.  The big, bad, pharmaceutical company is not exploiting me.  You want to see how I got the nickname "Heather the Hatchet"?  Say something about my doctor.  Try it.  I have nothing but profound gratitude and deep affection for the man.  I am not an addict - trust me, I know addiction.  How can I be addicted when I don't get a high and have terrible side effects?  They never answer that one. 

Yeah, I ran into the "medications are making our children crazy" crowd.  Some stuff on Facebook - let me say it's a good thing I am taking my pills or I'd be apoplectic. 

"Oh, Jimmy was forced to take psychiatric medication, then he killed someone".    The fearmongers fail to understand the concept of mania. 

If you give a bipolar person a stimulant, an antidepressant, or God forbid, both, without a mood stabilizer, they will have problems.  Simple remedy - add a mood stabilizer, or take away the stimulant.  That's it! 

But people are ignorant, and they like to hear "These drugs are turning our children into killers".  "Big Pharm is turning us into addicts". 

I mean, God love her, one woman was actually telling me I could go off my medication if I "did it right".  I'm not even angry - I'm just speechless. 

I will die taking this mediction.  I will die, or be raptured, taking this medication.  Because the day I stop shoving lithium, haldol, and wellbutrin into my mouth is the day I'm dead or raptured. 

People find me a likable person, precisely because I am taking those drugs. 

It's not even about me: it's, as I told a driver "It's about all the people around me".  They have a right to peace and stability.  I have an obligation to provide that for them. 

Without my meds, I am an obsessed, paranoid, dark, depressed, self-injurous, out-of-control maniac. 

"Is there a problem?"

I had a bad night.  I went to bed early, I was so miserable.  I tossed and turned for a while and finally fell asleep. 

Whoever was playing that music, at night, has stopped.  Good.  I just get random cars driving by and blasting their tunes.  I am sure I would be guilty if I drove. 

I woke up early and sure enough, found my Bubba cat.  We had a good pet for a while, then when I stopped he got on his bed (actually a plastic storage box with a piece of cardboard on top).  I went back to sleep, happy he was nearby.  I love my Bubba. 

I did my God Time, a little whiny.  Why do I have to have brain damage?  Why do I have to be crazy - and not just "nuts" but psychotic? 

Have you ever watched Law & Order - any of them?  They always have the episide, every now and then, of the psychotic, off their meds.  I saw one of them today.  A guy was raving about secret prisons and tentacles. 

I found it ironic, because I was currently swallowing my mood stabilizer and antipsychotic.  I thought to myself "This is why I take it". 

So, I'm crazy.  I have brain damage.  My husband - lots of physical problems.  Head injury with impulse control issues.  Occasional verbal abuse.  Alcohol. 

Yike. Now, since I'm a Christian I can write it up to God's strength being made perfect in our weakeness (2 Corinthians 12:)  It's funny, I'm listening to "Crazy Train" as I type. 

Anyway, sometimes I get overwhelmed.  I can't handle this on my own - so I turn it over to God.  I can still "see" it, if that makes sense.

I had a good day. 

Ron and I went to the warehouse and got our supplies.  I am limited by space.  I needed about twice the stuff I got.  I stuck with chips and such.  We're going back tomorrow to get more (after church). 

More on that, later. 

We got to work.  I left Ron with the stuff and got the hand cart.  Then I put the stuff on the cart and we came in to stock. 

Ron needed me for various things, we got that done, and then I started stocking.  Unfortunately, I found my plain fritos have expired.  I had to take them out of the machine.  I put them in my tote bag - we can't sell them and customers get touchy when offered, free, expired, product. 

Their loss.  I think Ron is on his 5th bag. 

I got everything stocked.  As I serviced the last machine, carefully setting prices and getting everything right, a customer came up and asked for change.  I opened the validator. $2.  Take that, everyone who thinks I'm "rolling in it".  Not enough.  I had some singles in my pocket so I made the change with them. 

Then she started castigating me. My machine was "empty".  Now, I've found when someone says a machine is empty (it was about 80% stocked), they are seeking a particular item.  Sure enough, she started yelling about donuts. 

Ron heard the raised voice and came rolling over in his wheelchair, his face like thunder.  "Do you need help, Heather?"  He turned to face the woman  "Is there a problem?"   She ran off. 

I found it funny.  Ron may yell at me on occasion, but God help the other person who does!  He will devour them!  Go Ron! 

We finished up and came home.  Since it was the weekend, I pushed him out in the wheelchair, came back, locked up the wheelchair, and came out myself. 

Our ride came quickly and found us with no problem.  We were teasing the driver, the other client in the vehicle. 

"He's my husband"  said the other lady. 
"No, he's mine!" I cried. 
"Y'all got it wrong," Ron replied in a deep voice. "He's MINE" 

Oh, I almost wet the seat.  The driver was laughing so hard he had a hard time keeping in his lane.  "I don't want any of you" he replied.  I pretended to cry. 

We got home, I ate, and went to bed.  I was beat.  The neighbors made some noise, it's a nice day, the middle of the day - I totally get it.  I was tired.  So tired. 

I was so groggy, when I got up, Ron asked me if I was OK.  I replied "Did you take 4 lithium and a haldol?"  (probably a little bitter).  "Oh." 

"I always have lots of energy before I take it, but after I'm exhausted and I can barely get to the bathroom".  I whined. 

So, here I am, blogging.