It got me thinking about my "rites" and how few of them I actually had. I went to kindergarden, so "first day of school" - did that.
8th grade graduation - no. I was in the hospital for depression and forced to attend summer school when I got out. Boy, they really dumb it down in summer school. They had a ceremony at the end of summer school but I didn't know, and I was completely depressed anyway.
Getting a license: NO. I don't drive because it isn't safe with my brain damage. It also isn't safe with my medication, with impairs my reflexes. I am always walking into things and falling over chairs. I shudder to consider the vehicular equivalent of "falling over a chair". I always knew it wasn't going to happen. I wasn't upset about it, the way I saw it I had to be safe and keep others safe too.
Besides, I've always lived in busy suburbs with good public transit.
Which leads me to buying a car. That, I actually did. Here it is:
Here's how it happened. A friend of Ron's, who is also bipolar, but didn't know it at the time, was manic. He bought the car on the way to the junkyard because it had a blown head gasket. He fixed up the engine, pretty much. He forgot to replace the transmission seals so it leaked a lot of tranny fluid. For a non driver, I can tell the difference between transmission fluid and antifreeze.
Anyway, he didn't have any parking, so he sold it to me for $300 because I could drive, if I wanted to, and he would teach me. He changed his tune pretty quick.
Looking back, I do feel kind of guilty. I had the car for years, and I used a parking space at the apartment. The problem being: we didn't have assigned parking. We had 11 units in the building, multiple drivers and only 8 spaces. I used up a "good" space for a car I wasn't even driving. I do feel bad about that.
I sold it back to Ron's friend before we moved. He then sold it to someone else who got so many parking tickets they impounded the car. I got a letter, saying as a previous owner of the car, if I wanted it I could redeem it for $1200 in tickets. I'm sure it was resold.
I hope they fixed the transmission seals eventually. It was a nice car, didn't get much mileage. Ron and I used to sit in the car sometimes and talk. It had nice fuzzy seats and it was fun to dream, but I always knew it wasn't safe to drive.
So, there's "my" car. What about Prom? Well, my junior year I was completely depressed (I take comfort in the Bible verse about God restoring the years the "locusts have eaten" Joel 2:25 “So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten," NKJV). I think one of my male friends had hoped to invite me, but I was definitely deep in the swamp of depression.
He invited a wallflower friend of mine, instead. They both had a great time.
Senior year, I was dating Ron. Can you imagine what would have happened if I showed up with Ron? Chaos. We opted out, although it would have been fun.
I would have discovered, quickly, that it's very difficult to get Ron on the dance floor, but once he does we both have a good time. I hope to see him loosen up a bit more in the future.
I didn't get high school graduation, either. I talked about this - the special ed program "held me back" because they lied about my "visual difficulties" and said I needed a special computer to function. They held me back for equipment. Nauseating.
So, everyone I know is off at college and I'm back at high school. Horrible. However, I counted the days until my birthday (about a month of school) and the minute I was "legal" ran off with Ron. The special ed program did NOT get their computer. Boy, were they pissed. They were also stuck with a nasty little dropout statistic.
They actually found me at work one day and I told her where to go. I was completely disgusted. Then my boss asked her to leave [giggle]. What a wonderful boss.
However, that left me without a diploma. While working nights, 3 years later, I took all the tests and averaged a high percentile, getting the GED. Oh, and the fanfare as I took it out of the mailbox!
I did call Dad and presented him with his own copy and frame, of the GED. I wonder if he still has it. It's not what he'd hoped, he told me once he hoped I'd be an engineer or something, but he loves me.
So, I had the first day of school, buying a car, now for the wedding!
Ron and I lived in sin for over 10 years, until his accident. He flat out refused to marry me because he wasn't ready to commit. He had every excuse in the world, and I knew if I pushed him on it, he'd tell me to walk. Being a good little jello, I stayed.
[grin] However, a few months before Ron's accident God made it clear Ron would soon demand to marry me. I laughed. I could believe I'd have a little house (I never liked the big ones anyway, and Ron and stairs? [shudder]), but I couldn't believe he'd want to marry me.
Along came the accident and all my trials because we weren't married. Sure enough, as God promised, Ron demanded to marry me, and we did. We had a lovely little wedding, very small, short, and intimate. Then we went out for BBQ. You should have seen the faces in the restaurant when Ron and I walked in. They were gaping. We had a lovely reception, good food, everyone ordered what they wanted, and we had the party room.
I had a nice little honeymoon, we took a couple days in Galveston. Ron's social security settlement had come in; we could have done something fancy but wisely opted to save our money.
Ron bought me some simple furniture, and we BOUGHT A HOUSE! That was probably the most challenging and the most fun of it all. What a moment, when I put the house keys in Ron's hand. He almost cried. So did I.
Of course I was stricken with a horrible case of food poisoning that night, delaying the move for 2 weeks, but we got here over 8 years ago and we love it.
So, I don't feel bad about all the things I missed. I focus on the things I have.
2 comments:
The types of "rites of passage" in North America that refer to getting a license, going to college, etc are also all centered around a certain demographic: middle to upper middle class, usually Caucasian, people. A lot of it is media-inspired too (think of those cheezy 80's movies!) where people think their kids/they HAVE to do these things to be successful.
It's a huge disservice and can be really depressing for the high percentile of people that don't participate in or find these "rites" are right for them. I didn't get a license until I was 24. I went to University right out of high school, but dropped out to work, and returned at age 22. I didn't get married until I was almost 34.
We're all individuals, and these "milestones" aren't like learning to walk or talk. It bugs me how society wants to measure us by an (often impossible) yardstick that was designed for middle-class people that are often only featured in TV shows.
I SO hear you about the driver's license thing. I didn't get one until I was 24, as I mentioned, and for years also had no car. My mom still has no license, neither does my sister. People act like you are either from Mars or wonder how you LIVE without a car. I mean, it can suck for convenience, but a car and a license are not necessities- it's media that makes us think they are, as well as pop culture.
I think we make our own rites of passage and milestones! I just wish more kids knew that, so they wouldn't get so depressed as teenagers.
Learning to drive was a different kind of rite of passage for my siblings and our friends. We grew up in the boondocks, many many years back, and most of us were driving at ages like 10 or 11, long before we were legal. It was gravel country roads, no traffic, and you had to drive if you wanted to do anything or go anywhere. Only locally of course, our parents weren't crazy enough to let us drive all over. But it certainly came in handy when my dad had a medical emergency and my 12 yo sister was the only person available to drive the old stick-shift work truck to take him to the hospital some miles away.
Getting a license was a mere formality to us. But I stress that this was many years ago.
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