The Year in Review

One of the traditions I've enjoyed is the year in review blog. 

Let's have a look, shall we? 

January: a pretty ugly month, but a month of growth!  I was still recovering from the violent mugging and the bruises had yet to heal.  I kept praying for Thug Boy and keeping on.  God started using me more with the Bible handouts.  Allergic to SSRI antidepressants, I had a pretty rough battle with depression. 

February: I developed my prayer notebook with long lists of requests for just about everyone.  I spent a lot of time praying, seeking God's will, and battling depression. 

Mid-February, I realized I was no longer welcome on a message board.  Citing me for "being too personal" - when that's my every post... well, I knew it was time to move.  I moved over here and they deleted my other blog. 

God really ramps up my Bible Distribution.  Next door neighborkids vandalizing my property got old real fast. 

March:
March 6, I did my first street corner Bible handout!  The first of many!  God has me handing out tons of stuff every day.  I started work on "Where to Look In the New Testament".   A nasty depression hit.  Battled horrible nausea and other side effects from the Wellbutrin (a change to another generic fixed it). 

April: I also confronted the fact that 1.  Ron is an alcoholic, and 2.  He is an emotional abuser.  A pretty ugly month for me. 

May: Ron continues to be horrible to me.  God continues to use me.  Seems to be a direct relation!   Ron threw his back out trying to move a vending machine, and we spent the night at the ER.  The bank sends us checks with the wrong account number, creating a screwup that lasts for weeks.  Some horrible hassles at work.  I am confiding in the other vendor about Ron's drinking, and my frustration and pain at the verbal abuse. 

A typical June comment: "Today has been a rather challenging exercise, not letting Ron's bad mood infect me. Taking care of myself when it seems like he won't."  Verbal abuse.  Lots for work for God. 

I wrote a nice poem:
Heather, I need you this way

.When I was a kid I'd fall and I'd cry
I'd look at the others, I'd moan and I'd sigh
.God why am I different? It's not very fair
They can do so much, I just can't compare.

I tried and I tried to learn tying my shoes
I'd fall off my bike, and was plagued by the blues
Depressed as a child! Sure doesn't seem fair!
I hated my glasses, my feet, and my hair.

I tried to make friends, so strange and so wierd
My company? No thanks! I was to be feared!
I sighed and I cried and I leaned upon God
I took him my pain and I made him my Rock.

When others were playing, and on the home phone
I was in my room, with God, never alone.
He told me again and again, oh it seemed
."I'm going to use you, for wonderful things."

As I got older, I realized my brain
Was broken and different, a source of much pain
I cried and I raged and felt bitter inside
When I realized that I never would drive

Stuck on the bus for the rest of my life!
No man would ever want that for a wife!
My glasses so thick, and my face broken out
My bitterness, raging, at God I would shout.

God why did you ever create me this way?
Are you sick, mad or just playing a game?
I love you so much but you weren't thinking straight
Had I been normal I could have done many things.

I could have reached others and led them to you
I could have made money, not cried with the blues.
Instead I have migraines, the ups and the downs
Can't live in the country, it must be the town.

God smiled and told me that soon I would see.
He had wonderful plans in store for plain old me.
I met my true love, at a certain job.
I only got because I'm off in my "knob".

Had I been born normal we would not have met.
One moment beside him, and our fates were set.
True love had stuck hard and fast and this I know.
We'll stay together, through sun and the snow.

God took many years before His plan was revealed.
A horrible accident, pain and harsh tears.
I looked around one day, my Bible in hand
And realized the others, on Him couldn't stand.

They din't know Jesus, they were all alone!
I couldn't stand that, put some Bibles on "loan".
The others so grateful someone had shared Him.
My future was set and the pain grew quite Dim.

I asked God for others to show them the way.
He said they were busy, or quite far away.
I said I could help if He wanted me to,
He said to me, "Heather! That's why I made you!

I need you to hand out Bibles on the bus.
I need you, with candy, to show them my love
I need you at multiple bus stops to stand,
To smile at the ugly, with Bible in your hand.

When you get mugged, I'll need you to pray.
For the poor dumb kid who stumbled your way
I need to to pray and I need you to care
Because you know this world is cold and unfair.

I knew that no one else could do this job so well.
So I made you for it, like ringing a bell. .
I knew you could go with my love in your heart;
I knew that you'd go even when it's hard.

I know you will care and I know you will love
The pull to go, know that it comes from above.
I'll guide you and show just what you should do.
I need you for this, that's why I made you.

If you were born normal, you'd be in a car.
And not at the bus stop, you'd be quite far.
I couldn't use you if you made lots of cash.
I need you with time and a big Bible stash."

I told him I'd go and I have no regrets.
I scratch my head sometimes, I often forget.
I lose things, my moods change, and yet He's still there
He fills me up, constantly, full of His care.

I hope that one day sometime after I've died.
I'll sit up in heaven, a large table beside.
I'll ask God about it, and He will just grin;
That's for the souls that you helped Me call in.

I'll sit at my table, I'll feast and I'll smile.
The cashiers, bus drivers, and others beside.
We'll laugh and we'll sing and God will kindly say:
Heather, you know why I made you this way



July - I lost my debit card, again.  Ron behaves a little better for a few weeks.  I started working out for a bit.  Never did find the debit card. 

August: another depression.  The other vendor, after yet another "drunk again and treats me awful" rant about Ron, makes a move.  I decline; he gets very pushy and scares me.  Ron alternates between pleased, and angry at me for "inviting" attention.  He feels very threatened when I confide in others.  We rode with a client so obese, they broke the wheelchair lift.  When Ron got off the van, she deliberately tripped him and could have caused him to fall 6 feet and land on his head.  I get a lot of replies to that post. 

September, the new tenants move in next door with their barking, barking, dog.  A driver, working sick, infects me with his head cold.  Almost killed by a reckless driver, I realize I really don't have any regrets.  Ron starts up drinking even more, and the neighbor's dog and him seem to feed off each other's energy.  The dog barking, and Ron outside shouting at them.  He went over next door several times while drunk and lectured them on "proper dog care". 

October, another depression.  I hand out a case of kiddie Bibles on Halloween.  I get a new cell phone. 

November: Ron was pretty ill.  Turns out he is anemic and low in vitamin D.  More vile Ron moods, verbal abuse, and drinking.  I do a Bible Handout on Thanksgiving. 

December: Another Bible handout on Christmas.  More Ron ugliness, blackouts, name calling, and drinking.  I take steps to deal with the issue once and for all. 

What a completely depressing year!  Can you imagine if I didn't have Jesus?  However, God can use anything for good. 

I'm glad I did this, I tend to only look at how things are at the moment, not the track record (contrary to Ron's accusations).   UGH.  Glad I am taking steps.