This is how it starts

I'm not going to do it, of course.  No matter how tempting, I know making that choice is a step towards suicide and I'm not going there.  I'm not going to let the demons back into my head. 

That said, this morning I prepared to turn on the computer.  I had to take some Tylenol because I'd had a headache.  That raised my lithium levels.  I feel tired, draggy, and unmotivated.  Also battling some depression. 

Yesterday, I used the stepladder to change the porch light.  It had burned out.  The ladder and I went out, and changed it.  The drivers need a porch light so they can see our address. 

I bought the stepladder back in 2004.  We had just bought the house.  The bedroom was a hideous shade of grey.  It reminded me of prisons. 

I bought some primer and the stepladder.  I was manic, and painted the whole room primer white.  Kind of bland.  Then I went out (still manic) and bought the Walmart Generic paint - rated for 7 years.  I went with "Curry Gold" which is about the color of curry, a moderately deep shade of gold. 

I painted that whole room before the mania abated.  It was tricky, because I only had one solid wall.   The other "walls" had a large closet (I hated the doors and took them off), the bedroom and bathroom door, and the sliding glass door.  A lot of doors in my room!  4 of them! 

In the process of painting (the first time I'd ever painted a room) I got some paint on the trim, baseboards, ladder, and radio.  I was a novice.  I was manic.  Once, when my mother was in a very deep depression, she painted an entire room black. 

I picked up the ladder, still speckled with "Curry Gold" and just for a MOMENT....

I miss the old manias, when I thought I could do anything.  I ran a half marathon.  I painted the bedroom.  I landscaped the yard.  I learned to knit... [sigh] 

Now I'm dragging around the house, completely overwhelmed by the idea of doing some weeding, dishes, and laundry.  I know how I could get that energy back. 

All I'd have to do is skip a couple doses of lithium. 

I won't do it.  I won't even allow myself to think about it; but that's how it starts. 

I am well aware: skipping lithium is a short step to suicide.  So I'm eating my bunless hotdogs and V-8, so I can take my pills. 

I'll always miss the old manias, the ones where I had boundless energy and the motivation do to anything.  They WERE fun.  But I'm not paying that price tag. 

Not to mention, I have always said, if anyone with bipolar disorder goes off their pills, you should throw them out.  I've fought too hard, and too long, to screw things up not. 

But that is how it starts.  "I miss the old manias".