Tuesday, December 28, 2010

It has been a hard, hard, day.

Happily, I have been sleeping OK.  My mood is acceptable considering.  Who WOULDN'T be depressed?  I know I am taking the right stuff at the right times.  I am respecting my body. 

My mind is just eaten alive with all of the questions and decisions I have to make.  Buddy, I absolutely needed to read your post.  "Keep your eyes on Jesus"

Safe to say this much: I am going to have to confront Ron and make him choose.  I have been fighting, but I am facing some VERY hard choices.  If Ron refuses to stop drinking, do I refuse to help him with work?  He would probably lose the business.  If Ron refuses to stop drinking, I don't see any way clear to keeping the house. 

On the one hand, houses are a LOT of work.  I currently have tiles falling off in the shower area.  We will have to pay for that.  The siding, some of it, is old.  The people who rent next door are pigs with trash strewn in their yard.  My experience is that the "owner" is always paying, paying, paying.  Taxes, homeowners, maitaining the thing, insurance - that's a couple thousand a year. 

A cursory internet search tells me I can find apartments nearby for $500 a month.  I can afford that, when I get another job.  Happily, I have choices.  One of the places is a really grim dump.  Another offers 800 square feet. 

But I love my garden, and my cat is happy and safe in his world.  My neighborhood is, overall, quiet and safe.  I suppose, if Ron just "went buggo" and refused to pay the mortgage, I could get my own in my name and assume the house.  I'd rather do that than have a foreclosure on my credit. 

Agh.  It ISN'T fair.  Why do I have to worry about foreclosures and unemployment?  Because I love my husband and he's sick?  Haven't I DONE THIS ALREADY? 

I have a lot of hard and complicated decisons on my plate.  I need to get another job that is compatible with the vending, and start saving.  I need to work twice as hard as I am already and plan how I'm going to do this. 

It's been a hard, hard, day. 

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