What are you doing?

A store nearby is hiring.  I applied online. 

Ron came in while I was doing it.  "What are you doing?"  I told him. 

He started apologizing "I don't know what.. I got overwhelmed with fear and thought we would lose everything."  I suggested that Benadryl + Neurontin + Tylenol + excessive alcohol consumption might have had something to do with it. 

I told him he needs to treat me with respect; he basically said he doesn't know how.  He is "powerless"   Then he went into his little script ie "program" - "You will leave me, and I will end up in a nursing home" 

I also told him (this is after hours of heated "discussion" - distilled to the basics) "You need to accept that I am disabled.  It hurts me when I ask for help and you shout at me, or accuse me of  'faking'" - a concept I do not get.  Why would I "fake" being brain damaged or mentally impaired?  What is the bonus?  What is the payoff?  [truly baffled]

He wanted to know why I was "So angry".  He mentioned he had "gone buggo" last night.  I said, it wasn't last night.  Sunday night you "Went Buggo" about the dog.  Last night you "Went Buggo" about the papers.  

I also told him I felt it was VERY unkind to yell at me for hours; about losing papers, then say "You take them" when I tried to give them back.  I said it was unfair and unkind to constantly rant and rave about how I don't "measure up" to his HIGH standards. 

I asked him if I had ever said anything unkind about him being blind, etc..  He said no. 

I told him he either needs to accept me, as is, or make plans to remove me from his life. 

He doesn't take responsibility for the way he treats me.  He does admit he needs to accept that I am disabled.  He says, and I believe him, that he doesn't know how to treat me with respect. 

I believe him.  He admits outside forces are attacking our marriage, and we need to fight.  That's an encouraging sign for me. 

I think God can do anything, but if the store calls I am going in for an interview.  Considering I ONLY wanted Tuesday off, and am willing to work nights and weekends, I think they would hire me.  The pay is above minimum wage, and it's close to the house. 

I also told Ron if we separate, I will continue to help him (homecare stuff, and the business).  He said he wasn't sure about that; that he might not want me around.  [shrug] 

He is still obsessed with his little internal program that has him ending up in a nursing home. 

I told him "I'm not a hater." 

"No, you aren't" he replied "You're the best person I've ever known." 

AGH.