I leave it in God's hands

It's been a very difficult day.  Ron: Bitter, angry, determined to spread his bile, treating me like his lackey.  Me: feeling unappreciated, and attacked.  Hanging onto my faith; but just the implication I'd be doing my God Time tomorrow was enough to trigger another rant. 

I just get tired of the toxic cloud.  It is very, very, difficult to keep myself out of it.  I have to conciously, constantly focus on staying clear and not succumbing to bitterness, negativity, and self-pity.  When I try ask for a break, I get shouted down; he says he doesn't care what I think and I can't stop him. 

So, this morning, when I did my first post I was outside in 40 degree weather, in my coat, because it was better than being inside and listening to "The Usual".  He thinks it is God's job to make him happy; and to give him an easy life!  I would love to find that verse; it sure isn't in MY Bible!  [laugh]

I had asked him to tone it down and he shouted at me, I told him "You're very selfish" and went outside.  He came out and "apologized".  "I'm sorry I yelled at you, but like you always say I have a heavy plate to carry!"  That's not an apology, that's a justification.   I was really pleased with myself; I think I acted in a manner pleasing to God.  I stayed outside; until he came out later and said he'd be in his room and wouldn't talk, if I went  back in the house.  I did then. 

When he's like that I can't help but think of "escape" like some kind of animal stuck in a trap; but I know God wants me here.  Trust me, if it were just "me" here, I'd have left him long ago. 

I mean really, by human standards I don't have much to stay for.  He is bitter; he is negative.  Life is an unending pity party for him; and I can't even ask him to tone it down.  He treats me as his personal lackey; there to do his bidding 24/7.  He does this summoning thing that really bugs me, this nonverbal grunt thing, and I'm supposed to drop everything and go running when he does it.  When he gets upset, he thinks anything is fair as far as verbal abuse.  I had it coming; because I "hurt" him.  A good example, a weed was sticking out of the trash can as he walked by it, outside.  Then he bumped into an empty bottle of bleach I had put near the bathroom door.  Lots of ranting on that. 

I'm not going to go around placating him all the time, but I can't react, either.  That just makes it a fun game.  I have to try to take it all with good grace, patience, and mercy.  God will repay Ron for his "bad manners". 

I get very tired, and very sad.  That's the worst.  I used to distract myself by focusing on other things; but I realize it's just a mind game to avoid the pain. 

It hurts, a lot, and I honestly don't ever see it getting any better.  If anything, I think it will get worse. 

I felt like the only kind words he spoke today were those spoken in front of others; when it was back to us, it went back to the Usual.   He simply doesn't listen to me; I leave it in God's hands. 

God WILL address this issue, I'm sure.  In the meantime, my job is not to become bitter-self-pitying-hater #2.