Taking prisoners

If you've been reading for a while, you have seen a change. I've gone from thinking about myself and my illness to thinking about God and what He wants for my life. I've gone from pleasing myself, to trying to please God.

I am well aware that doing so makes me a target for the Bad guy. He wants me out of commission. He knows, if he can't outright attack me (such attacks seem to be forbidden for now), he can attack those I love (Ron and the root canal, still hurting), and attack my thoughts. My illness [shrug] seems to be at a pretty good happy place right now; and I don't take that for granted.

We all have our weak spots. Mine seem to be bitterness and resentment; a fierce territorialism. Some paranoia and persecution complex, especially bad when I have "cause". I think I've DEALT with the old issues, but then they come back like some cursed dandelion. It reminds me of a tree I tried to cut down several times, it kept resprouting and gettting ever-more-vigorous. The worst is probably bitterness and self-pity.

So, pretty obvious how *I* have been attacked recently. Tremendous resentment and bitterness over past and present issues. I think about them far more than I'd like, and I have to make deliberate choices to turn it off. 3 minutes later I'm going down that same old road! AGH!

A dear friend at work shared this verse with me one day when I was just having a terrible time controlling my thoughts: Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

Another one God has been putting in my head recently: "Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthans 10:5 I have been reciting that one in my head a LOT the last couple days. "Lord, please help me to take these thoughts captive, and put Your thoughts in my head, Your love in my heart, and Your words in my mouth."

I have never read the "Praying scripture" books (Power of a praying...). I have a lot of skepticism, but it does seem to help.

So, I turn my anger over to God. I know He will deal with the issues. I get upset again, and turn it over to him AGAIN. I recite the Scriptures.

I was pretty upset over that guy at work, wondering why he felt like he could just unload on me. I know he has problems, but in my world you deal with your issues instead of turning your "friends" into toilets. I remind myself I wasn't much of a treat, for much of my life, and there's a real danger of me emulating the guy if I'm not careful. I take a big sigh and recite all my verses again.

I've had some older stuff come up too, and I have to keep leaving that issue with God. I believe in the law of sowing and reaping, that if you are sowing pain, you will reap it, too. The Hindus call it Karma. God does repay (Vengence is mine, I will repay - Hebrews 10:30).

I guess it's perfectly normal to have to forgive someone again and again and again. To have nothing in my heart that says "I forgive you"; and asking God to put the forgiveness in my heart. To ask God, again and again and again, to "Put Your thoughts in My head".

It really does feel like a war, taking my thoughts prisoner.