I'm going to share one of my favorite songs. I never tire of it. It is Gospel Rap.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOsBE_xbSj0

From 2 minutes to 2:10, he talks about how he wants to "walk up in a country where sharing my faith may get me shot up" I always grin because I HAVE been shot up for my faith (BB gun, last year, carrying a sack of 50 New Testaments).

He is on FIRE for Jesus, with a terrible burden to share Him with the unreached. That's me. That is absolutely me. I have a terrible pain in my soul, thinking about the people who will die tonight and go to hell. I hurt, thinking of people living without Him.

Today, I had hoped to find a church with members who felt as I did. It was nice. They had coffee, and nice padded pews. But it left both of us completely unsatisfied. It wasn't just the hour-long sermon about giving. It wasn't the fact that I don't process 1/3 of what I hear anyway, due to the brain damage, or the fact that the Bible study guy was very soft-spoken and Ron couldn't understand a word. I just felt like everyone there was spiritually dead. [sigh]

They didn't seem to have any energy for God, much less any energy, desire, or motivation to go out and invite people to God's feast of salvation. If you have ever read "Living Water" by Brother Yun, you will understand when I say I felt like it was a Wet Blanket church.

Don't get me wrong; they were all completely nice. I did think the one lady grilling us on where we lived was a little intrusive, but people are judged in Houston by their address. I didn't think that was appropriate for a "first date".

I never really dated; not in the usual sense. I went out with male friends who developed an interest in me. Ron and I hit it off so fast... our first date was nachos from a walk-up place, eaten in the park while talking. I used to tease him about it; nachos are very messy and I've never cared about his table manners.

But today I got a feel for a "bad date". The same sense of disappointment and as Ron said "That's 3 hours of my life I'll never get back. At least we got a hamburger after." [sigh, shrug] If I have my way, there won't be a second. Why? I don't want to join them.

I have secret, unfulfilled fantasies. I dream of riding around in a car and cranking my Gospel Rap. I dream of having a Big Bible Handout day - setting up next to the road and handing out Bibles to anyone who'll roll a window down. Of buying a whole case of Bibles, having a party marking them up, and all of us, on fire, passing them out as led by the Holy Spirit. [big sigh] That will not happen, not yet.

Then I tell myself don't get discouraged. Yes, I am surrounded by churches and none of them fit. Yes, every church-attending person in my area seems spiritually dead and apathetic about the unreached. I am certain they all view me as some kind of deranged person.

I remind myself; Jesus said if 2 or more are gathered, He's with them. He will never leave ME. I have the Holy Spirit inside me, prompting me on my Bible/candy prep every single day of the year. The "Heavenly Host" is out to protect me and guide me in what I do.

I know, if nothing else: God is proud of me. My husband supports what I'm doing and is always happy to help. He brags about me standing on the corner, in the rain, to hand out Bibles. My family prays for my guidance and protection.

Thanks to my derangement, at least a thousand people have gotten Bibles. They've all ranged from delighted to baffled, but they took them. Some even delighted me by asking for more, for loved ones.

That's what matters.