Don't compare.

I think the majority of my pain in life has come from comparing myself to others. I used to call it "The Normal Stick". I felt like I could never measure up to the normal stick, no matter how hard I tried. I felt everyone was demanding I measure up and felt like such a failure because I couldn't.


I woke up with a pretty nasty headache. I took some Tylenol and felt better after a hot shower. I did my God Time, ate a little, and got ready to go.


Ron and I had a date at the Blood Center, after a trip to Burger King. Our ride was late and we had another pickup. The next pickup is a NOTORIOUS guy. I actually prayed out loud for God to fill him with kindness and love.


It worked. The guy came out, happy as a clam, the nicest fellow ever. Had I not seen this guy raving at two separate drivers I would have thought he was a different guy. Wow. I was glad I had prayed, out loud!


Off to Burger King. Mr Cheerful waved bye-bye as they drove away. Surreal.


I got my usual Burger King meal. Pretty nauseous right now, no details. Then, off to the Blood Center.


We got there a little early and I signed us in. Ron was "doing" whole blood, while I was doing platelets. They really get excited about my platelet count. They set things up for double platelets.


Have you ever had an experience, giving blood, where it just never felt right? That's what happened with me. A lot of drama, readjusting the needle (ow), and flashing alarms on the computer. They finally stopped about halfway through, they had gotten half of what they wanted but it was a standard sized platelet donation.


I looked at the old lady, and the big guy, in the other chairs. They were doing fine. They didn't have to focus on mashing the ball like it just insulted them. They didn't have any alarms, and their bags were filling beautifully. It was very hard not to compare, and even harder not to feel like a failure.


I consoled myself with the thought that they had a good portion of platelets, and high-quality ones at that. I had asked God to allow this donation to proceed if it was His will. Apparently, today His will was for standard platelets, not double. My vein rolled, according to the technician. Naughty vein.


Ron, in the meantime, went off to a room to be screened. He was in there a long time. They have to read him the questions (Have you been in contact with someone's blood?) and answer the form. Then checking the iron. Apparently Ron passed, because then it was leading him off to the "whole" chairs on the other side of the room. They had the manager stick him, and it was a great donation. He said he will request her from now on.


We rested for a little bit and waited on the ride. It came and Ron went home. The driver was a very nice guy we both like.


I went to Favorite Dollar and got some more candy and ziplocks. I go through probably 100 baggies a week, and a couple pounds of candy. I found some very cute patriotic tootsie rolls.


The cashier said "Oh, the CANDY LADY!" [grin]. I thought that was cute. I have been called, far, far, worse!


I handed out about 10 "items" today. I recently checked the crime map for our area and discovered multiple robberies at one bus stop; one I frequent. Not any more.


I went the other way and got some pop at a gas station (gotta replace those fluids!). I felt barely lightheaded for a few minutes, about 15 minutes after donating. Other than that I felt fine. My big problem was not using my right arm to lift anything. Not for 12 hours.


I carry a huge backpack, loaded down with Driver Candy and all. My shopping went into it, too. I carefully used the left arm only. My right arm had suffered enough for one day! Other than that, I felt the same as any other day.


So, I waited at a safe bus stop. Caught a ride to the sporting goods store. If I have a favorite clothing store; it's Academy Sports. I just checked a map, dozens of them in Houston. Safe to mention them! They have the cutest sporty clothes.

I read a great book ages ago, http://www.amazon.com/Fabulous-You-Unlock-Perfect-Personal/dp/0425146189 . Toni talks about figuring out your style type, and working it. I am a sporty with a romantic accent; I do equally well in workout apparel or a long, floaty dress. I have a very sporty haircut.

So, for me, a sporting goods store is hog heaven. Well, actually I couldn't shop there when I was bigger. How horrible when even the XL gets stuck halfway up my thighs! I used to dream of the day when I could shop there.

When I want a treat, I pick up an item or two. I recently got a decent wardrobe of microfiber t-shirts - they don't hang on me, all wet with sweat, in the heat. Today I wore a "regular" cotton t-shirt and it wasn't pretty.

I decided that the Medium is form fitting, a little more than I like. It fits, definitely, but I don't want the whole popeyes treatment. If I were flatchested, it wouldn't matter. Nothing to look at! I feel fine wearing the medium in front of my aunt, but find myself gravitating more towards the Large.

I looked around. I'm a little bloated now with the whole peanut butter thing... so no pants for a bit. The ones I have are a bit tight, and frankly I am not sizing up. When I dropped my last size, I donated them, so I don't have any fat pants. I would rather wear something a bit tight for a bit until I nail this, then buy SMALLER pants. So, OK with the pants.

What about tops? Cute t-shirts, but the collar was a little low for me. See, I used to be an A-B cup. So what if I showed a lot of collarbone? What cleavage? Well, now I am wearing a D cup. My chest is a lot different. So, I have to think "Will this cause Popeyes with the men?" all the time when shopping for tops. I had a really awful experience last year when I wore a fitted v-neck shirt, and a non-padded bra. I was miserably ill with the hives. I realized this guy at work was having a terrible time staring at my chest and realized it was distracting. I resolved not to be distracting.

I'm not wearing high collared muu-muus, but I do think about necklines now. I wear a padded bra, even when I have a Day Out in the heat. And I've never had that happen again. I think I'm being appropriate.

So, the cute t-shirts were a little daring. I went and looked at the microfiber t-shirts. They had one in mauve. In a large. I love mauve. I love the idea of a mauve microfiber t-shirt. I got one and some matching shorts in XL. They fit over what I was wearing, so I knew they would work. I prefer a larger clothing item. I don't have to worry about clingy issues.

I also got some warmup style shorts for $8. I like to hang out around the house wearing my elastic waist shorts. Now I have a nicer pair. Good for workouts, too. All this "Indulgence" and a Diet Dr Pepper, cost me about $25. I love Academy.

Ron has been talking a lot about how he wishes he has more money. He regrets the fact that he can't give me "more". I tell him, I don't need more. I am completely happy with a $1.70 double cheeseburger with bacon and a Diet Dr Pepper. [shrug] My motto: if you're happy with a little, you'll be happy with a lot.

In fact, I have a harder time when things are going well, financially. It makes me nervous, I feel like I might "screw up". I feel like I have to step carefully.

And, like I told Ron tonight as I ate the top off my pizza, I can't wear a t-shirt and bare feet to the nice restaurants! He wanted chicken from the pizza place, so he ordered me a pizza too. It was very good. I got queasy (didn't tell him that) about halfway though the meal so I stopped and put the rest in the fridge.

Oh, so after I went to Academy I waited at the bus stop, walked a bit, and went to the Christian bookstore. I wondered how many New Testaments I could get with one good arm. Fortunately for me, they only had 42 on display. I bought 40 and a few other books.

I got a call from a family member. It's hard to watch people you love hurting; but this person is very strong. I can give them what they need; love and support. That's good to know. I loved that the word "Stability" was used in conjunction with me. I am delighted that I'm viewed as "stable" now. [grin] That was a WHILE coming, let me tell you!

Off to Starbucks! I had planned to meet Ron but he cancelled. He told me to take a cab but the weather was fine and I felt OK. I had drunk a powerade before going out in the heat and that seems to be key for me. If I do that, I seem fine. Even after donating blood and on medication!

Ha! I do a LOT of living! Which leads me back to my don't compare. I can only compare myself, to myself. Compared to where I was, I'm doing fantastic. I do better every day. I am not the person I was. I am a strong, vital, caring, compassionate woman. I am a precious child of God, doing His work.

I am useful to God. That's amazing!

I drank my thing, realized I was a little manic, and took a lithium. Then off to wait on the bus.

Ron called and wanted to know if I'd like pizza. Sure, why not?

Nothing beat eating it, sitting on the couch, my feet up and watching a program on Sci-fi. I need to convey, somehow, to Ron that I feel I have the perfect life. I don't need all the stuff. I just want his love and support.