Taking care of myself

Today has been a rather challenging exercise, not letting Ron's bad mood infect me. Taking care of myself when it seems like he won't.

I meant to mention this, the other time Ron gets really upset about "What will the neighbors think" is when I talk about having bipolar disorder. If he's in one of his "moods" then he tries to shush me. Then when we're alone it's I don't want people to know... [rolleyes]

Is he ashamed of me? Probably. He has said things like "Your broken brain" and used the word "defective" when he is angry at me. I think he feels like God gave him second-best. He rants a lot about why couldn't God give him a "Normal" woman.

I don't tell him this, but if I think the situation is appropriate I will ABSOLUTELY tell anyone anything they need to know. If your only encounter with "bipolar" is someone going off, killing people, committing crimes, sleeping around, etc... what are you going to think when you are diagnosed? But if you have met someone who seemed so normal (snort) and told you how ill she was, you're going to realize it's not a life-ender. I feel that is more important than what a stranger might think.

I had one driver come up to me, months after I had disclosed some awful details of my illness, thanking me profusely because I had given her hope and shared the name and number of my doctor. Her life was a lot better now; how could I EVER stop after that?

I hope I have also done the same here. It's kind of like sending out messages in bottles, I know some of you pick them up and read them. I know, assume, that some are helped by reading of my trials and reactions to everyday life.

To my recollection, NO ONE has ever gotten mean or judgemental when I shared about my illness; well, one guy at work but he was trying to use it as ammo to get me upset. I just went off and laughed when I was alone, because it was so obvious that HE needed mood medication.

That bothers Ron, just like it bothers him that I will share Jesus and His love with ANYONE. I'm sorry. I don't see anything in the Bible about inviting the "right people" to heaven. In fact, I don't see anything about us having the right to judge our fellow humans. Matthew 7:1 "Judge not, lest ye be judged." Pretty clear.

Luke chapter 7:
33For John the Baptist came neither eating bread nor drinking wine, and you say, 'He has a demon.' 34The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and you say, 'Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and "sinners." ' (NIV)

There's a trick to, it, though. I can't be directly confrontational with Ron. So far, I have been telling him "I understand" when he complains and orders me to never, ever... again. I am not agreeing or disagreeing. I am understanding.

So, how DO I cope when he is stomping around, cursing God, worried about stuff he can't change, and calling God "Torture Man"? I WISH I were kidding.

Well, I tried to think of myself in the third person. What if I read Heather's blog. Her big complaint is that she feels her husband is making unfair requests, cursing out her God, and running her around without a break.

It's been well over a week since I had a single day to myself; and even then it was running errands. I haven't been sleeping well. Well, I can't do much, but I can do this: Take a good nap. Even Ron mostly respected that, waking me up once to give me a very negative letter about his viewpoint. I think his big problem is that he won't turn things over to God; he's still trying to drag all these old worries around on his back. It's very sad.

I guess I have an advantage, having all that horrible, shameful, mental illness (grin). I learned right quick I had better dump it all on God, or I'd snap. I dump it and I leave it there. I could worry about all kinds of things; look at the hurricane in the Gulf. Oh, I could have a good fit over that if I let myself, but I don't!

So, I am refusing to accept Ron's negativity, while respecting his emotions and not judging him. If he wants to walk around worried and miserable, that's his right. I cannot, and will not, allow his moods to infect me with bitterness and anger. I've been down that road; I know I need to watch that.

He doesn't even want me to tell him I'm praying for him, but I am of course. God doesn't need me to defend Him, so I let him say all kinds of hateful and bitter things about My Lord. It would just be a fight. God needs me to be patient, kind, and loving.

I know I can't do that on my own, so God ALSO needs me to take it to Him. I need to prune out all of the bitterness, anger, and resentment. Why can't I have a husband who loves me and says so? I get a guy who is constantly saying varations of "I wish I were dead".

God has put me with Ron to teach me patience, kindness, and mercy. He knows I don't have those qualities. He knows I need to come to Him and get filled up on a regular basis. That may mean I am literally asking God EVERY SINGLE MINUTE to "Put Your thoughts in my head, Your words in my mouth, Your love in my heart" while Ron is being ugly and ranting. It means turning the other cheek when Ron's name-calling, because reacting is going to feed Ron and make it a lot worse.

It means doing kind things for Ron when he has done absolutely NOTHING to "deserve" it. But it's not about pleasing my husband, my life is about pleasing God.