Today, I'm depressed

Today, the depression got me. When I get an overwhelming onslaught of hopelessness, it's easier to recognize it as my illness; but this was a little sneakier. Low-level fatigue? Oh, I gave blood. I'm always a little tired after donating blood. Feeling overwhelmed? Perfectly normal. I have a lot on my plate, don't I?

Everything in my life just seemed like such a terrible burden - I should have been happy, coming up on a day off, and I all I could manage was a low-level sense of dread. I had a horrible time planning my activities for tomorrow. That's when I realized, Yes, I have a lot on my plate - and a big part of that plate is MENTAL ILLNESS.

As I was putting the clothes in the dryer (Thank you God, for a washer, dryer, and utilities), I realized I'm glad my illness is so severe. If I had milder symptoms, I would spend a lot of time suffering needlessly.

If I know I'm getting depressed, I can ACT. I can choose to stay busy instead of sitting around and brooding. I can do the things I love, even when I don't "feel" like it. I can take more medication (I can take up to 2 Wellbutrins a day, generally only do one); as I did a few hours ago when I got tired of depressions' bullying. I cut a Wellbutrin in half, and took it.

As I told Ron, about an hour later, "I just feel better now". I could face the idea of fixing dinner, doing some dishes, laundry, getting ready for tomorrow is still a bit "much", but I could do my Bible Study and prayer time. I "bothered" Ron - I tend to desire more cuddles and intimacy when I'm starting to run depressed. I was like a barnacle after my mugging!

I tend to think "I've got it all under control. I am the boss of my illness." No, I'm not. I can control most of my symptoms, by taking my medication properly (always), but certain physical stresses can and will aggravate my symptoms.

I explained to a co-worker. "Whatever I'm running - up or down - I'm MORE if I miss a night of sleep." So, the fact that I did give blood, had a nasty migraine the next day, and then had a lousy night's sleep due to a certain black cat out fighting under my window, didn't help. I would be depressed right now, and that's what's amplified.

I don't always catch on very quickly. I tend to have foggy thinking when I run depressed. Everything is just a thousand times more difficult. I tend to brood about things - like the fact that the Post Office had the guy who ran over Ron, on a forklift today. Everyone says he is a terrible driver; he ran over a blind man by running a red light! I avoided him. But I couldn't let it go.

I don't want to go back to the bad old times of "After the accident". Fortunately, I have a very alive husband who reminded me that he's still around, and that's what matters. It never even dawned on me to ask God for help. That's a shame, because when I did I had the immediate thought "Go take half a Wellbutrin, you are depressed."

I also worked on some of the things I love to do, like blogging, even though I just want to hole up in bed for a week. I'm reading a lovely inspirational romance novel. I made Ron some of his beloved tuna salad, and myself some egg salad. I cooked up the hamburger I bought yesterday, with the "good" taco seasonings that won't make me hivey. All I need to do tomorrow is scramble some eggs and make breakfast bowls.

I had a horrible time figuring out my budget, but I finally got that done. Tomorrow, I have no idea what I'll do. I'm having Ron drop me at Burger King. I need to go out and stay busy for a while.

I may or may not get some driver candy, I don't know yet. I don't know if I'll get more evangelism supplies. I haven't even done the driver candy for tomorrow!

But I will do one thing at a time and hang onto the fact that my mood ALWAYS changes. Pretty soon I'll be out on the corner with a box of Bibles, again.

See, I need to go to the sporting goods store and get some of those moisture wicking t-shirts. The bank... I'll make it, but days like today it can be very hard.

My big trigger for knowing I'm depressed? When a shower sounds harder than running a marathon.