I knew today would be a challenge last night; when I couldn't sleep. I kept waking up. I figured God could use it for His good and just left it up to Him. When I got up, I felt pretty rested, but manic.

After a shower and Bible Study, it developed into more of a "Nasty Mixed State" (here's a link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mixed_state_(psychiatry). Anxiety, depression, and mania all running around in my head. Not a fun place. Ron kept giving me platitudes like 'Oh, it'll get better, it'll go up!" I don't want things to go up, I'm already manic. Sometimes I feel like he really doesn't want to know about my illness. Anything I tell him, is too much. He just does the whole angry thing. I'm the one who's sick, and then I have the burden of his anger on top of that. I wasn't hungry, but ate anyway just so I could get a lithium onboard.

We went to Foodtown, and he wanted to shop with me. OK, we did that. I felt bad about him standing, so I didn't linger very long, basically just throwing a few items into the cart and checking out. I got plenty of sausage, some eggs, cheese, and ground beef.

After Foodtown, we came home for a while. Then, off to work. A few times over the last several years, I've forgotten either my keys and/or badge. Ron finds it very very frustrating. Once was too many times for him and he kept ranting about he should "Keep it for me". I found it insulting and degrading suggestion. I am not a toddler.

Anyway, after I got mugged, one day I was going to have a day out and I gave him the badge and keys. God forbid I got mugged again, I didn't want them getting access to the machines. He was delighted... kept raving about how "wonderful" it was to have the badge and keys.

As I have said, I find it degrading and insulting, "Here, give me they keys because you aren't responsible enough for them." But I have done it just to keep the peace.

Until today, when for some reason Ron lost my badge on the way home. Questions as to how he managed the feat (he was just sticking them direct into the fanny pack) just got me something about putting it on the seat, and then angry raving. Lots of screaming at ME.

What did I do, other than trust him? It's obvious to me, that I need to take care of this on my own. No more handing it over, and he knows why.

I only ever left my badge at home, I never left it lying in a cab out in public. Yes, love does not keep a record of wrongs, but it's not like he's Mr Responsible now.

When he gives me my keys tomorrow, he won't be getting them back. THEM? He dropped them outside the house when he got out of the cab.