I can boast in Jesus

By any human standards, I should be a bitter person. My own mother prenatally disabled me, and flipped the switch for my bipolar disorder. I suffer from frequent and painful migraines - God only knows why. I have insulin resistance and have to watch what I eat, so I don't end up diabetic. I don't get treats like the average person; I have food intolerances. I have demons in my head - I cannot describe it any other way. I have a severe and BRUTAL form of mental illness. Every day is a struggle for me to stay balanced and focused in reality.

I don't know what to expect when I wake up. I may be overwhelmed with a jittery urge to spend, talk, and spend. I may be consumed with a necrotic depression, that kills and consumes everything it touches. Some days, just getting out of bed is harder than running a half-marathon.

Then we look at the caregiving. My husband is completely blind. He has a severe head injury. He's hard of hearing. He can't even stand for a few minutes at a time, due to his NERVE DISEASE. The longer we're married, the sicker he gets. Now he's facing yet another operation. He needs a lot of TLC, and can barely change a roll of toilet paper - that's about the extent of his contribution to the housework. He has other battles I won't share. Who has he got to depend on? Me. That's about it!

So, when I wake up with a nasty mixed episode like I did today, I sure don't have much to look forward to tomorrow. I will probably still be severely depressed. Just turning on the computer and eating a meal are near impossible tasks. I need to care for myself, and him. I need to make sure I'm providing us both with the proper nutrition. I need to ensure I am properly medicated so I can function in society. People don't like depression. Either they tell you it isn't that bad, or they ignore you. Both are awful. Even my husband does that!

I will need to make sure we are both well-groomed and presentable. Ensure that we're ready to go. Go to work and do my job as I assist him with his. Juggle symptoms and side effects of my medication as I determine what's needed.

For instance, if I increase my Wellbutrin, I get a migraine. Pretty harsh. Better than depression; sadly enough.

I'll need to stay busy and focused on something other than my moods, or the depression will eat me alive. It's a horrible place. Climbing out of that pit full of razor blades, minute after minute, slipping and falling back... I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

So why, would I ever bother with Driver Candy? Why would I sit down and pray over how many bags I need to prepare? Why do I go to the trouble of ordering Chinese scripture booklets for my hairdresser? Why do I tote around a bag full of Bibles and candy to hand out? Why do I even BOTHER adding yet more responsibilities to my life? Why do I bother to pray at all?

God's got plans for me; and these trials are a compliment. God knows I am a lot stronger than I look. He knows everything He's sent me in this life has made me a stronger, better, child of His. He knows these trials keep my eyes on Him, where they belong. He knows that ONLY when I'm overwhelmed with life, will I cast all my burdens on him, letting Him get to work!

He can use me, BECAUSE there's no way I could do any of this on my own. Any "normal, rational" person would have a nervous breakdown with half my burdens! I'm strong in Jesus. Simple and true. I'm ONLY strong, in Jesus.

I also know this: the Enemy would not bother attacking a useless Christian. In fact, the more I'm doing, the angrier he gets. He must be pretty pissed at me to want to hurt me so badly! Migraines! Marriage issues! Anxiety! Depression! These are all attacks.

God has permitted these attacks, because they serve a purpose. They are making me stronger. I can boast in all Jesus has done for me; truly, He carries my burdens day by day, and He is the God who saves me!

I will add, though, Lord, that I feel I'm about at capacity! I then remind myself, God has never dropped me. Ever. When every single person in my life has let me down, Jesus is always there, holding me up.