Some days I wonder...

Why I got up. I've been battling a head cold and didn't get enough sleep last night. Yesterday, I had a Day Out - in the pouring rain. I woke up depressed, tired, and my hair was doing odd things. I felt very disconnected from God during my Bible study, and wondered as I did up the driver candy if it actually had any MEANING for people other than a handful of sugary treats.

Our first driver demanded to use our bathroom and got upset when I told her Ron was using it. I'm not sorry - it's my house and I knew she was a gossip. If she'll gossip TO me, I know she'll gossip ABOUT me. Besides, I knew she had passed at least two-dozen fast food and gas stations to get to us, from the other location. Why not stop along the way? Why DEMAND to use mine?

I could only assume she thought she could. Ron and I are pretty generous people. But I am a private person, and I don't allow strangers into my home. Not only that, I don't allow GOSSIPS into my home. I would rather she talk about how I didn't let her use my bathroom (which would get her fired if I called it in), than talk about my home. I thought it was very rude and presumptous, but she acted like I was the bad guy. Yeah, because she "had" to drive a whole 3 minutes to a gas station, that she passed on the way to get us anyway!

Did I mention she was early? She had plenty of time to go somewhere else.

The client in the front seat was all excited. "Oh, remember me?" Yeah. Hi. "Oh, you must not remember me, uh.... " Can't remember my name. Heather.

I told Ron I didn't know what she wanted, but she was definitely wanting something. Ron thought she wanted "The show" the whole "Hey, howya doin!" routine. The "OH life is fantastic" routine. I just had a very baffling feeling of she wanted something from us, and I had nothing to give.

Sorry. She's doing the whole "Are you OK?" routine. I told her, I have a sinus thing today. I didn't sleep well either. "Oh," she makes a big point of excusing us "You're tired!" Hey, I'm allowed to be quiet if I choose. This whole "I'll give you permission to shut the door in my face" or "I'll give you PERMISSION to be quiet today" attitude really bugs me. It's my right to feel how I feel. I don't require anyone's permission to have my feelings, and I'll thank you to take your "permission" and throw it out the window.

Look, lady. I didn't sleep well. I'm sick. I'm DEPRESSED. And now some woman I haven't seen in a year is demanding to use MY toilet for some bizarre reason. [By the way, I said it wasn't "fresh" after Ron's use] It was annoying. People I don't know demanding things from me, and acting like they know me a lot better than they do.

I'm not your best buddy - you can't even remember my name. Don't try to make me feel guilty for that.

I really had a hard time shaking the whole toilet thing loose - I still don't get that. I really doubt that woman would have let me or Ron use her bathroom.

We went to the wholesale store, got some supplies, and they were out of the wrapped hard candy assortment - normally NOT a big deal, but I had just been to the Dollar Store yesterday, debated getting that same candy, and said "I'll wait'. AGH. I got something else that will work. I did manage to get a couple pounds of chocolate, 5 pounds of chewy mix (all hail the chewies), and 6 pounds of playtime mix for about $28. That'll last us a while.

On a later trip, I heard from Salvador that the mango-chili hard candies I bought are "very good". So that's nice. I was afraid I was handing out something awful. I really appreciated that feedback.

However, when we got to work one of our vending machines was broken, and a party to the vandalism wanted to watch the whole "show' of "Heather tries to fix it". I finally shut the machine and ignored him until he went away. It really bugs me to see a lazy person fulfilling every last bigoted stereotype of "The Postal Worker". I'm sure he had far more important things to do, than stare at us trying to fix the machine his buddy probably broke.

I'm a little bitter about that last one. Sales are already abysmal. That machine actually made some money, until someone broke it!

It's hard not to feel like: OK Lord, you want me to go spread Your word; even though I have disabilities. I'm supposed to do this, in spite of the fact that I'm sick? How does me getting sick further the work?

I understand the economy is lousy, but I would think that You could protect our machines from vandals! What purpose does it serve, to take away the little we already have? I probably do a lot more with the little bit of money I have than most "Christians" do with 10x the amount.

I've hardly handed out any Bibles, and the ones I did I don't know about. The candy is taken, and eaten, but that's about all I can say? Is anyone actually reading the scripture booklets? The tracts? Is it having any effect on anyone? Am I just pouring money down a hole?

On the last paragraph, I have to assume, that if I'm having doubts then I AM doing some good. The Enemy would not bother with attacking me if I were useless, and he would ONLY bother with doubt-sowing if I were doing some good.

The hard part about what I do - scattering seed - I never see the crop. I never see what comes up as a result of my work for Jesus.

Except being banned from message boards! [laugh]