An online group was discussing infertility issues, and commiserating.
"I could care less if I have kids" I thought, but I didn't share it. It was in complete contrast to what everyone else was saying.
Everyone in the "normal" world seems to feel like children "complete" you; make you an entire person. That you aren't really a person until you become a parent.
Oh, really?
It gets annoying at times, when I worked at Target the Latina girls used to give me a really hard time about "propogating". I was in a stable relationship, had a job, why wasn't I breeding? I had to tell them, again and again, my husband is blind. His children would be blind. Those "girls" are probably grandmothers now.
Well, my coworkers (and others since) replied: they might not be blind.
Ron gave me a good comeback. "Fine. I'll have a baby, but if it's blind you have to raise it." That always shut them up.
A wise woman once said "If God wants you to be a mother, He'll put it in your heart." I never had it. For whatever reason, I was signed up to help in the church nursery every Sunday, for hours. Can you imagine watching a dozen toddlers? I only had one adult to help. It was insanity. I did that every week for 4 years.
Don't get me wrong, I had fun, the kids liked me, but I was always happy to get out of there and go home.
Another frustrating time: when we bought the house. "Oh, you're pregnant!" everyone exclaimed. No. I'm buying a house. I am not having kids, ever. Or, they would make comments about Ron and I "have to have kids now". No, I don't!
I don't want children! I didn't even want the kitten, when Ron found her! Baby anythings are a tremendous amount of work.
In fact, I told Ron one of my conditions for keeping the kitten: if she didn't disrupt my sleep (she hasn't). Now, try that with a human baby. Ha!
Now, if, after all that, I wanted kids, Gloria finally killed that. She was our upstairs neighbor in our first real apartment (the first one was a converted garage). She had a newborn,and boy, did he cry. He cried every hour or so, very loudly, loud enough that he woke me up, night after night after night after night... I thanked God when she moved. And it wasn't even my kid. I imagine he was a lot louder in the apartment. It was as bad as the dog problem a year or two ago.
Some people have the urge to have kids. I don't. I applaud everyone out there who wants to become a parent. It's just not for me.
And I resent being treated like a defective because I'm choosing to save the taxpayers MILLIONS. Yeah, millions. I have a close relative with this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common_variable_immunodeficiency They have to get over $20K in treatments every month. Ron's family has congenital retardation (no hating, that's what they call it in the medical field), congenital (as in born with) deafness, AND congenital blindness. My mental illness is highly genetic, and seems to become worse with every generation.
I only had one "full" sibling, and he died of this, which is ALSO genetic. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Severe_combined_immunodeficiency
I have done society a tremendous favor by marrying a sterile man. He had the operation when he found out his blindness was inherited.
Oh, and for all the "God might fix the kid" - you're going to take it? All that, and pay the medical bills? Raise the little blind bubble boy?
If God had wanted me to conceive nothing would have stopped Him. He is God, after all.
5 comments:
I hear you Heather! I was never able to become pregnant, and anyway my husband had two sons from his first marriage who were old enough to be my younger brothers, lol. I never had the maternal instinct anyway, and he already had his sons, so it seemed that circumstances were exactly in sync with proclivities.
It's funny, because I'm the oldest girl and second oldest child of ten children. All of my siblings except one have had children, plenty of them. One of my sisters took after my mother and would have had ten or more (she and her husband were also, what is that phrase, quiverfull ascribers?) All the rest had at least two if not more, and three of my siblings adopted kids in addition to their biological. So I think my family did their bit without needing my input :)
I joke with my mother, about her telling me in my teens, "Just wait until you have kids!" She used to get a bit exasperated because I love dogs the way she loves babies.
I have my 5 dogs (all adopted from deceased or otherwise incapacitated family), and I love them so much. I feel guilty about it, but I love dogs, every stray mutt out there, and if it wasn't for my husband's kindly restraint, they'd all be living at my house. As it is, I can't bear to see them or think about them because I can't help them. I keep treats and water in my car for any I may see when running errands, etc.
What gets me is when people say that all children are a blessing from God. As if God decides who can have kids and who can't. He just is not up there making that decision and if he is he sure has made a bunch of mistakes with the many people who have kids and neglect and abuse the.
In actuality children are a result of sex. Yes we should look at them as a blessing but most people (not all as some people just are unable to based on biology, etc) if they have sex often enough will conceive a child. It is just how we were programmed. To continue the human species.
I have a BIL who is one of the biggest pieces of sum that has ever walked the face of the earth. He seems to believe it is his mission to impregnate every woman he sleeps with. He has 8 plus kids by different women and no plans of stopping anytime soon. He treats these kids terribly. Ignores them. Is physically abusive when they misbehave (his idea of punishment which I personally have never witnessed as I live 800 miles away but if I did I would take him to the mat).
It sickens me that this animal will be able to have kids as long as he has a willing woman to have sex with him. I wish God had made a cut off switch for men like he did for women. At least then I could have some comfort in knowing he would not have any more babies after a certain age.
Kids do not complete a person. They can be a joy and enhance your life but they are also a lot of work.
I do not think it is wrong to choose to not have kids. I think it is wrong to just have kids because that is what is expected.
I think one phrase can answer both - "mate responsibly". If you're having relations, there is a chance of children (even for me). I don't have a problem with using birth control - I know some do, and it comes with health risks for the temporary version. But if you don't want to change about 5000 diapers (I did the math one day) then you should wrap it up, one way or another.
Ron told me once he didn't want me to get fixed in case something happened to him - and he was right, he nearly died when I was 28. "When you're 35" he said "you could get your tubes tied". Well, I'm almost 39. I figure my eggs are expired anyway.
Melanie, nothing wrong with loving your furbabies. God knows how much I love my 2 (even the kitten, who I didn't want - at first). God gave them to you because He knew you'd love them. He created them, He loves them more than you. :)
I see being a parent as a calling, the same way anything else of that nature is a calling. Not everyone is called to be a parent, and not everyone, certainly, should be a parent just because they are biologically can. That's actually a scary notion. Working child protection, I saw the end results of how disasterous things can go.
I blame society partly for these notions. It's drilled in your head from the time you are young (especially if you are a woman) that having kids is part of growing up. No, it isn't..having kids is a calling only some are asked to do. Not for everybody.
Good for you for knowing your limits, I say.
I do think it's incredibly painful for those that want to be parents and cannot biologically..I can't imagine how hard that would be. There is adoption and other options, but those are difficult, too.
Why some people can have kids and don't want them, and others ant them desperately and can't, I will never understand. God's mystery I guess.
Why some people can have kids and don't want them, and others ant them desperately and can't, I will never understand. God's mystery I guess.
It's not a mystery nor is it up to God. It is just the way things go sometimes. Just like some people get cancer, are blind, etc. Just life.
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