Basically, alone

While watching TV, I got to thinking about how I interact with others. 

While very transparent online, in my daily living I hold myself back.  I seldom allow myself to get close to others, even family. 

Part of it, I'm sure, goes to "nurture".  I was massively neglected as an infant and toddler.  That's one of the few things "everyone" agrees on regarding my early childhood.   She wasn't violent, but she scared me sometimex, drunk and manic. 

The fallout of my mother's illness, really confirmed my decision to stay childless.  I would rather boil myself in oil, than permit a child of mine to endure what I had. 

Now, I have to say, no one knew she had bipolar disorder.  She had no medication, and coped as best she could. 

Part of it, of course has to go to the disabilities.  While we are very social, Fetal Alcohol children don't know the rules.  We're the ones you dread, when you see us coming, and wish you could, somehow, escape the pending interaction.

My Dad thinks I have Attachment Disorder.  I'm inclined to agree.   

And part of it goes to decisions I made.  I learned pretty quick that female friends, and Ron, didn't agree.  Let's just say they both hurt me.  One woman wanted to take a friendship to "the next level" - sexual.  I was pretty abrupt in my refusal. 

I don't feel comfortable forming bonds with other men; for many reasons.  Ron about had kittens when I looked up my childhood friend, a man, and always had fits when we had lunch.  I do have to add that I am more likely to trust a man, based on my childhood.   If I became single, and things remained the same, in a year or two I would give one guy my phone number. 

I also look at the way things are now; Ron says "Oh, if you organized the house" blah, blah.  It would be pretty hard to have visitors, with him drinking every day of the year.  Unless they also drank, and I really don't want to turn my home into a bar. 

So, I sit at my desk and stare into the old-time computer screen.  It makes me happy when I get a new follower, a reply on a message board, or a hit from an interesting nation.  I pray for everyone, do my outreach, and live my life, basically, alone.