Yes, YOU!

So, I was all set to have a nice little pity party.  I took my PM lithium at lunchtime, so I could take the rest of my medication without a meal.  I'd gather up the laundry, take my shower, and go to bed. 

As I was pulling the sheets off the bed (I am trying to remember to change them every Tuesday; I hate wondering "When did I last change the sheets?"), I heard the neighbor outside with his blower.  All 4 children shrieked happily right outside my bedroom.  Agh.  No; God wanted me upright. 

I gathered up the laundry, and put the new sheet on the bed.  I reviewed a charity request.  They are smart, everyone has a button. 

For instance, my Dad works in Drug and Alcohol rehab.  My uncle did prison outreach.  Mom loves seniors.  Me?  Bible distribution. 

This program does some Bible distribution to a group I'd classify as "needy".  Obviously, they want money!  I just need to figure out if God wants me to (I pretty much feel it's a NO).  Part of that entails going to the ECFA website and reviewing their numbers.  You'd be surprised how many "Charities" go to overhead. 

Now I'm thinking how many scripture booklets WMP (World Missionary Press, right over there to the right in the links) can print for $10.  That would be 250.  Seems better stewardship; and I ask God regularly to make me a good steward! 

Oh, I forgot to mention the boxes of stuff going to Salvation Army; another worthy program.  I am happy to give them my "stuff" and my thrift store dollars; they do good work.  I remember when I worked at Target.  It was late one night in the winter, and every single person at the table had a story of how Salvation Army had paid their light bill!  I never needed it; but how comforting to know they did such a thing.  Then the cashier who had gotten off drugs thanks to them, told me about it, obvious born-again virtues, etc.  Good program. 

So, I guess you could say I already gave.  I need to call SA after I go through some more clothes to donate.  Might as well get it all on one trip. 

I took my shower, used my lavender shampoo and bodywash.  I even got myself a NEW Dollar Tree razor (10 for $1), and applied lavender lotion to my freshly-shaved legs.  Nice.  I thanked God for the nice lavender scented (notice a theme here? [grin]) laundry detergent as I put the clothes on to soak. 

"What a nice way to say 'I love you'" I thought.  I then felt some alarm at the thought of saying it to myself.  Sad.  I don't know why exactly, but I have a very hard time loving myself.  I am at a better point of accepting myself; as I rubbed lotion into my not-supermodel-legs I thanked God for my sturdy, enduring legs.  How many steps have I taken on my "big" feet?  How many burdens have my "big" calves helped carry?  Many, many, many. 

So, maybe I'm getting at a place where I'm closer to loving myself.  I do ask God to help me see myself, the way He sees me.  I know I don't, right now.  It is absolutely necessary to have me exactly the way I am, I believe that with my entire soul. 

Which does get me to an interesting point: I am always losing things.  Currently, I am missing my lavender incense and an incense burner, some important paperwork, and other things I can't remember.  Things just GO AWAY in my world. 

I attribute most of it to "Bad Prefrontal lobes due to Fetal Alcohol damage and maybe that fall down the stairs when I was a toddler." 

A quote: "Executive function relates to abilities to differentiate among conflicting thoughts, determine good and bad, better and best, same and different, future consequences of current activities, working toward a defined goal, prediction of outcomes, expectation based on actions, and social "control" (the ability to suppress urges that, if not suppressed, could lead to socially-unacceptable outcomes)."  They are also highly involved in ORGANIZING. 

For instance, I have often said how hard it is for me to "pick up".  It became easier when I conciously figured out "Everything goes into a category; I just have to determine how I treat each category."  Then decided, trash category would immediately go into a trash bag held in one hand, as opposed to the not-infrequent putting it down again.  I conciously look for things that need to be "trashed" now; and make a concerted effort to dispose of them when noted. 

I see an empty aluminum can on my desk.  After I type this sentence, I will get up and put it into the "can bag" for aluminum cans.  Back.  As I walked, I saw a wrapper, bent over, picked it up, and threw it in the trash can.  I can do it, but I have to conciously hold it in my mind "LOOK for things to THROW AWAY." 



Ron attribures it to "Poor organization, you have to choose to be organized, like a mature person, instead of rebelling."  Quite a bit of conflict over the years.  He sees it as a "will" issue and not a hardware issue, however he is more accepting.  I make it a point to keep certain areas very clear for him, which he appreciates. 

Hopefully now you have a slightly better understanding of Heatherworld, where things just go away, most items are viewed with bafflement because I haven't categorized them, or figured out what to do with them when they are. 

It has taken me a long time to accept, but I realize now this is a part of my life, always has been, and always will be.  I will always lose things, no matter how well organized, because I have a malfunctioning brain.  The last thing I need is an internal flogging. 

I have a great terror of important papers.  So easy to misplace, and such horrendous consequences if you do!  [shudder]  Fortunately most of them "Birth Certificate/Social Security/Marriage License" are easily categorized and stored. 

I was doing some more thinking about bipolar disorder and disability checks.  I feel the current system enables people with the illness to live reckless lives; leaving their illness unchecked.  I was told a story today of yet another family member "off the chain".  I think disability checks for bipolar disorder ought to be dependent on compliance (taking your meds), with random alcohol and drug screens.  Any traces, you're suspended, or cut off.  Party drugs are not our friends.  Prescription mood stabilizers - are. 

Anyway, that's enough random thoughts for the evening.  I already did my God Time and prayed for YOU.  Yes, You!  And all your freinds and family members.