"Being a doormat"

I have access to many odd statistics.  One of them being search results; one day someone did a search on "Bible verses about being a doormat" and up came my blog!  Pretty funny, I think. 

You think I'm a doormat NOW, you should have seen me 15 years ago.  I lived in terror of displeasing Ron, the emotional abuse and the inevitable threats to throw me out.  I was completely, sickeningly, co-dependent. 

I came to a realization just now; while Ron does love me, he does not respect me.  It's not just the emotional abuse, the shouting "I don't care what you feel" and worse... It's not the put-downs.  It's the simple fact that he has no respect for me. 

A very wise man once said "The Devil loves to attack Christians by using their family members" - if you've ever wondered why that nice Christian lady had the drug addict son, or the child with depression, or whatever, that's it. 

Ron feels incredibly threatened when I assert myself; and always reverts to verbal abuse.  Just now he was shouting about how I [wasn't a doormat] like I used to... I was "good" then.  Don't you just want to VOMIT? 

Anyway, Ron came out of his room all fired up.  He wanted me to use keyboard commands to do a Disk Cleanup.  Did I do it in this sequence? 

I told him no, but I probably should, and I would do a disk cleanup using my mouse.  No, he insisted, he wanted to do it, using keyboard commands, on my computer.  Ron, I told him, I have a different operating system!  It won't work! 

I politely told him no thanks, please leave my system alone.  He is utterly enraged.  I got upset, because I realized he did not respect my answer "No, please do not touch my computer".   Ergo, he doesn't respect me. 

When I said it (admittedly he is not sober) he didn't deny it.  I think that's very sad.  People wonder why I hang onto Jesus - He's all I've got sometimes!   Ron absolutely does not respect me.  Along came the name calling - his.  I laugh now when he says I am defective and a broken POS, and he wants a "Normal" woman.  Normal would only last 'till the first time Ron didn't get his way, then she'd be long gone.  Assuming she would even look beyond the exterior, and tolerate the drinking...

Anyway, it escalated, Ron trying to turn my NO into a Yes.  I almost went along but I felt God saying "Stand Firm".  I realized I have allowed Ron to verbally abuse me, and threatening to "do it himself" to my computer just shows he feels very threatened.   A lot of shouting, he isn't dependent on me. 

And why?  BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO DO A HANDOUT!  Obviously, I always put things into a spiritual context, Bad Things are F-ing with my husband's head.  Sadly, he lets them. 

I realized we weren't going anywhere and it would be easy for things to escalate.  God always tells me the same thing:  Get Out.  So, I grabbed my keys (he has been known to lock me out of the house in retaliation), and some dinner, and ate it sitting on my butt in the driveway.  It's a nice night.  Ron ranted and raved in the house (you could hear him clear out to the street) and I sat out there eating my egg salad, waiting for him to go away. 

I feel really sorry, for the cat.  Poor thing.  How many times...

Anyway, I have a bad feeling my hard drive is in his crosshairs now.  I'll back up everything before I go to bed tonight.