My post for the day

I was all set to turn off my computer.  I did my post for the day, updated Facebook, and felt pretty good about my day. 

Then I stupidly clicked on the link about mothers drinking while pregnant.  [clutching head in hands]  ONE DAY I will figure it out.  ONE DAY I will realize it: no one wants to hear that drinking while pregnant damages the baby.  EVERYONE has a lovely anecdotal story about "I drank 5 glasses a day while pregnant, he was voted Most Popular, and got a free ride to MIT."  No one wants to hear me talk about the pain and lifelong damage. 

Here's a link: Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Center A very useful site.  Look up "FAS and the Brain" - also "FAS and Behavior".  Basically, I have a pretty normal intelligence level.  But my social intelligence is probably at about 12 years old.  It's like I stopped growing socially.  I just don't have the ability. 

So, I'm a child walking around in a woman's body.  When a kid dressed like a gangster wanted to borrow my cell phone last year, I handed it over.  Fortunately, I got it back, but it was a close thing!   I am IMMATURE and will always be so.  I will probably always interrupt people in conversations.  Others have tried to exploit me sexually. 

I miss social cues.  For instance, before he made his "Big Move" "Romeo"  (the guy who is bothering me at work) told me he had to use the "Blue Pills" to perform sexually.  I thought that was a normal confidence, like me saying "I get a migraine when I eat suger".  NOPE.  I learned that the hard way. 

I SHOULD have ended the conversation right then and there, saying "That's between you, YOUR WIFE, and your doctor".  [sigh]  But I didn't know.  I didn't know... and now I tense up every Monday and Friday when I go to work, as a result.  Ugh. 

I don't talk about this much, it's incredibly painful.  I took a break, checked on Ron, asleep in his chair in the yard.  I put a blanket on him and now wonder where my orange fleece blanket is hiding. 

The worst part of FAS - the lack of belief.  No one believes I am damaged; and women who drank while pregnant get positively vicious about it.  I have learned to say "My mother DRANK A LOT EVERY DAY while pregnant."  It is true, and gives them a relief valve. 

Can you imagine, dragging yourself across the floor because your legs are broken and twisted, bleeding and panting and aching - and someone comes along, looks down at you, and says "Get up.  Your legs are fine!" 

OH.  It happens quite frequently, and always hurts terribly.  Ron gets plenty of sympathy; it's obvious he is blind, and had a stroke.  Poor thing.

People look at me and tell me "You're fine, there's nothing wrong with you".   I wish I were fine!  I would love to be able to drive.  I would love it if Social Security DIDN'T laugh at me when I asked if my earnings would ever affect his check.  I would love to be beyond poverty level/low income.  I would love to have a car, a couple of kids, and a busy life. 

But I don't.  I need a nap every day.  I take toxic medication to regulate my moods and "appear" normal.  I endure side effects.  I care for my husband and our business, there's little left for me. 

That's life, with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. 

Some facts:
1. During the first trimester, as shown by the research of Drs. Clarren and Streissguth, alcohol interferes with the migration and organization of brain cells. [Journal of Pediatrics, 92(1):64-67]




2. Heavy drinking during the second trimester, particularly from the 10th to 20th week after conception, seems to cause more clinical features of FAS than at other times during pregnancy, according to a study in England. [Early-Human-Development; 1983 Jul Vol. 8(2) 99-111]  {I have mild clinical features, especially as a child}



3. During the third trimester, according to Dr. Claire D. Coles, the hippocampus is greatly affected, which leads to problems with encoding visual and auditory information (boy, do I!!!!!!) (reading and math). [Neurotoxicology And Teratology, 13:357-367, 1991]

socially inappropriate behavior, as if inebriated


inability to figure out solutions spontaneously

inability to control sexual impulses, esp. in social situations

inability to apply consequences from past actions

difficulty with abstract concepts or time and money

like files out of order, difficulty processing information

storing and/or retrieving information

needs frequent cues, requires policing by others

needs to talk to self out loud, needs feedback

diminished sense of remorse, inability to understand others

moody roller-coaster emotions, exaggerated

need external motivators to complete menial tasks

inability to weigh pros and cons when making decisions

Yeah, I'm just fine.  Thanks for telling me.