Wednesday morning

 I slept OK and woke up with a couple cats in the bed.  It's a good thing I have a queen size.  If my bedroom were bigger I might consider getting a king.  

I got up and took my pills.  I did them all up last night, 3 weeks' worth.  I did not put the probiotics in the organizer as they tend to get funky when I do that.  I just take them out of the bottle every morning (that and the prebiotic which is Jerusalem Artichoke).  I am figuring out what I want to do for my lunch snacks and have that all lined up.  I need to get some fruits/vegetables today but not much.  I also want to get some walnuts for my trail mix.  I mix dried fruit, walnuts, and pecans.  It is pretty good and not a headache or allergy trigger.  

Technically there are some foods I should avoid because they are likely processed with peanuts or almonds, which I'm allergic to, but I have taken the chance and been OK so far.  

I had a pretty bad problem with depression this morning but I am turning that over to God and just trying to push through.  I was not depressed yesterday, it was very nice.  And I will have more and more better days, I just need to be patient.    

But I finished the laundry, did up candy to hand out, got more candy out of storage (I always need individually wrapped candy and ziplocks).  Did my prayer time and some of my Bible study.  I even got a few travel size toiletries out of my closet (I found them while organizing) and put them in my backpack for my trip next week.  

One thing I need to address: for the last year I have holed up in the house on my days off, except for trips with my aunt.  She is moving; I can't do that anymore.  I need to go out on my days off and do something.  Not sure what, how or even how to pay for the ride.  But I will figure it out.  I am pretty certain I am going to do my Walmart business after my last shift before my day off (Friday night).  I am looking for a referral basically to a friend of hers who offered (in passing) to help "sometime" if she works out that would be fantastic.  But I may just need to go out on the bus and/or pay for a ride.  I do know I have to get out; it's not healthy.  Depression is just a lot worse when I stay home.  Sure, I can sleep late, do chores, make a list, etc.  But then I need to go out there and do something.  Just not sure what or how.  

I don't want to crash after my aunt leaves and have to be put back together.  I want her to feel good about leaving, that I will be fine.  And I will be.  

I threw myself on God pretty much the minute I found Ron dead and always have figured He was going to take care of me.  It is scary at times and I would much rather have Ron alive and well (that's been a long time), but he is happy in Heaven and always said he wouldn't come back a second time.  

See, Ron was legally dead for about 10 minutes after the accident, when the paramedic found him his heart had stopped, so the paramedic did CPR on Ron for at least 10 minutes until he got Ron back.  "The training just takes over" he told me.  "I didn't do anything special".  While Ron was dead he rose out of his body and went to heaven.  He said he remained blind there but since he was coming back I can see why God did that.  Anyway he said it was so perfect "There are no words to describe it" peace, "No fear" etc.  When he came back he adopted Revelation 21:4 as his favorite verse and just wished with all his heart, hoped, begged even to go back every day since.  He told me more than once when he died the next time he was staying dead and for me to do nothing to stop him, no "code", just to let him pass quietly with no intervention.  "I'll haunt your ass if you don't" he told me, and I told the EMS supervisor that when I asked them to let Ron go.  So I have no regrets stopping the code after half an hour.  I figured that was more than enough time for him to come back if that was God's will.  

So I don't feel sorry for him being dead: he was in horrible pain and his mind was rotting away.  He was ready to go even though it was too soon.  I feel bad for myself, my life was ripped apart.  Things are new and scary.  I have to ride the bus at night, cross very busy city streets (a fear of mine), deal with a whole new scene.  God takes care of me, of course, but it's still scary.  I'd be lying if I said otherwise.  God is there through all of this and it's my hope I grow closer to God and develop my faith out of this.  

God did surgery on my life, cutting away my husband, my job and now about to mostly cut out my aunt.  He cut away my transportation and most of the people I knew.  He has given me back the bus as a mission field (I hand out so many bags of candy and scripture booklets the bus drivers call me the Candy Lady).  He may give me another husband, etc. but I have to be patient and accept this is God's plan for me right now.  Do I like it?  No.  Do I do my best to accept it?  Yes.  

I do ask God to give me the grace to deal with my life right now.  That's it for now.