Monday

 My aunt came; we went to Home Depot.  I am a huge fan of Behr Marquee paint.  I found the Fiji chip and sure enough it was just what I wanted.  I asked the nice man for 2 gallons in an eggshell.  He said they didn't have any, I said satin would work (that's what I used in the orange room).  He mixed it up boy it took a lot of dye.  It is a nice rich turquoise.  I also got the gallon each of drywall paint and trim paint.  We went home and put it away; then off to Lumber Liquidators.  

Sadly, the flooring I had used in the 2 rooms was only available through special order and would take a lot longer than I wanted.  So I had to find something else.  I did, eventually, getting this one:  https://www.llflooring.com/p/coreluxe-5mm-w-pad-rivers-edge-oak-waterproof-rigid-vinyl-plank-flooring-5.75-in.-wide-x-48-in.-long-10052765.html

After I bought it, I realized it had a 50 year warranty.  I will be dead by the time that floor wears out!  I also got an install kit and a border piece for between the room and the hall.  They will be shipping that piece to me.  I got the rest in the trunk today.  We came home, I put it up in the garage.  I will put it in Ron's room after I clear it out this weekend so it can adjust.  It needs a couple of days inside before you install it.  So I now have everything required.  That is great.  

It wasn't cheap I am going to have a pathetic bank balance tomorrow but worth it.  I even found a couple extra Satin Nickel beaded outlet covers and pulled the trigger on a switchplate cover ($5).  So it will look nice and match the rest of the house.  

When the work is done I will have the bed, footlocker, small cat tree (about 3 feet high), table, and chair.  I will have curtains (also bought today, along with the rod).  I don't plan to have anything on the floor because cats like to get sick on the rug, if you have one.  All my bedding fits great in the footlocker very nice.  I will get under bed storage for extra candy.  

What do I need to do?  I need to clear the bed out of the room, fold up the frame, put that in the orange room, put mattress either in there or in my room (not sure yet).  Then bring in the flooring that is heavy work but then I am done for the whole house.  Then I just write checks.  

It rained all day but not heavily.  It was nice spending time with my aunt, absolutely great to get all the work done I needed.  I would like to get some new glasses and a hair trim before she leaves town but I think I will be OK now.  I am actually excited to get the room done now.  It will be nice to have the door open.  I plan to put the cat tree in front of the window so they can look out.  It is over by the kitchen table not in use by the cats.  Might as well put it somewhere where it can get some use.  The cats like the tree just not where I had it.  It also saves me buying something.  

I don't believe in hanging onto a lot of stuff (as evidenced by my big cleanout a few years ago) but in this case it paid off.  I have 3 of these things and the cats do like them, they're sturdy, not bad to look at.  They also have nice sisal panels on the side for the cats to scratch up.  I am sure it will be popular in Ron's room.  

I may call it "The Candy Corral" as that's where I'll keep all the candy.  We'll see.  

Oh, and the Naproxen worked.  You can use either Aleve or Advil to slow bleeding, it is proven in clinical studies.  I was changing an ultra tampon every couple hours until I did that.  

The cats are good, that makes me happy.  They had nice clean boxes all day when they got stuck inside due to the rain.  

We ran by a grocery store today and I looked at the pork, that's about the only meat I can afford unless I want to buy offal.  I saw some nice pork neckbones.  I plan to cook them on Thursday night and eat them over the weekend.  That meant I had to find 1.  My crock pot (up on top of the kitchen cabinets) and 2.  Rice pot (out in the garage, on my rack).  So I have them ready to go.  Neckbones are really good with a little rice.  

That said I do note what people eat in the breakroom.  The skinny people eat a ready made salad or something they brought from home.  The larger people either eat takeout or a large bowl of rice with a little meat on top.  So I don't want to do that.  I won't make much rice.  

Once I get everything done on Ron's room I need to rearrange the kitchen.  I have a lot of appliances, electric kettle, coffee pot, blender, rice pot, toaster oven, and crock pot.  And my kitchen is maybe 80 square feet.  I need to either put some away or get rid of the dish drainer and just put a towel down.  I am liking that idea.  That will give me a lot more room.  

I had my phone appointment with Doc.  He was not happy to hear my aunt is moving but understands that's life.  He called in my refills which are ready (let's hear it for the Walmart pharmacy).  I will get them tomorrow.  Like I told my aunt, the nice thing about what I take, no one wants it.  I can have it in my bag in the breakroom with no issues.  

That's it for now, I'm going to bed early.  (((Hugs)))

Wide awake at 3 AM

 Blood everywhere too but I prepped for that.  I was almost at the verge of a problem, though.  So I got up, cleaned up a little, fed the cats, will do some housework and take a shower.  Then, later, plan is to do laundry before the rain comes in.  I took a Naproxen (prescription) that was given to me some years ago for heavy bleeding days.  It slows me down.  So I should be good today, will also take it tomorrow before work.  Times like this I do wish my mother were alive, she did menopause naturally and probably would have had some very good advice for me.  Every other woman in my life had a hysterectomy.  

Today, plan is (when I go out) to get the flooring and then the required paint supplies.  Get some lunch and maybe some lemon pies.  I did my Walmart shopping yesterday.  I am glad I got a rain jacket.  This just goes to show my life, I never really saw why people would have one.  To me, you had an umbrella and used that.  I never had a rain jacket until yesterday.  I am glad I do have it as today looks to be pretty heavy rain.  

I would also like to organize the candy and make some up.  I got a huge sack of mini paydays those are always popular when I hand them out.  Ironically I am allergic to peanuts but I can handle them OK.  I am "more" allergic to almonds so I avoid those.  

I am a little worried Lumber Liquidators might not have my flooring.  I only need 3 cases so we will see.  I also need a trim piece otherwise I will get all sorts of junk getting in the crack between the tile and the flooring.  I am sure I can find something that matches (they don't make it in my preferred color).  I am sure I will find a nice teal or turquoise at Home Depot.  I will need a lot of paint from them.  Well, 4 gallons is, to me, a lot.  

Once I know flooring costs I can get a curtain rod and curtains.  That will run about $50 for both, nice thing about Amazon it comes right to the house.  I will be glad when the room is done up.  

Since I have the bed in there I will have to forego the recliner I had considered.  A furniture store had some for a little over $200 and I would definitely save up for one.  And at $200 I wouldn't feel bad about the cats scratching on it and boy would they.  But no room, it's only 10 feet square.  And I really need a table and chair so I can sit in there and do up candy.   But,  once I move the candy operation out of the orange room there may be room for a recliner one day.  No rush.  

I did up the litter boxes, I wanted to make sure they had nice clean boxes for 1.  Aunt coming over and 2.  Rain coming today they will need to use the box.  They (cats) are OK with me using the litter box fragrance powder some cats aren't, but mine are, OK.  They will pretty much use anything.  I am working Tidy Cats into the box as it is readily available and they seem OK with it, they get in there with no issues.  I am slowly working it in over a period of weeks.  It is about 1/4 Tidy Cats right now.  

You have probably read one of my posts from around 2010 ranting about inconsiderate neighbors because #6 did not have any sort of diaper genie so every diaper went outside the minute it was changed, including several times a night when they had a couple of toddlers in the house.  It was very disruptive to my sleep, he would bang the trash can open, fling the bag in the can, and then bang it shut, go back in his house and slam the door.  Several times a night.  So I always swore I'm not going to be that neighbor.  And I'm not.  I very quietly went out and placed the trash in the can without making a sound, then came back in the house.  I take great pride in being a good neighbor.  The house exterior could probably be a little better kept but I am quiet, clean, the yard is mowed.  

One neighbor said "Oh, I like you, you're quiet" and I took that as a high compliment.  Another came over when I had the cleanout for the broken pipe, very concerned I was moving "Because I really like having you around".  Did anyone help out after Ron died?  No.  But at least they like me.  

I just need to take my shower and then get the laundry going.  It's not a large load but it does have my favorite pair of black jeans for work.  I plan to wear sweats and a tshirt today as I will be lugging stuff around today.  And it will be raining, my phone says 100%.  It is going to be cold this week, lows in the 20's and such.  I will be working "tour 3" (post office slang for afternoon to evening) so I will be OK leaving the house and going to work.  I have arranged rides home as I am not really keen on riding the bus late at night in the cold.  

I was looking at meat yesterday and WOW not cheap.  I have been getting the ground turkey chubs, they have gone up a lot but still reasonable.  I tend to get my protein other ways.  

Anyway that's it for now, take care.  

It was a bloodbath

 But I had enough supplies today.  Worked, did all that, clocked out, did my shopping.  

Bought a very nice (plastic) teal footlocker for Ron's room, and a twin mattress pad.  I could not find Biscuit's food so I placed an order with Chewy.  I got a few groceries and some candy to hand out.  Came home, called Dad.  

Going to bed.  

Sunday morning

 Work was fine yesterday.  OOps I just remembered I didn't make my lunch!   Done now.  

Anyway I was pretty tired when I got home so I just went to bed.  I got about 7 hours sleep before I had to get up again.  I did, got my shower and God Time, went to the bathroom and there's my visitor.  

I must be about done with my cycles because they have been all over recently.  Spotting every 2 weeks, I ovulated, and figured based on my usual timing I could expect something Feb 6.  Nope, came today.  I am just really glad I caught it at home so I could bring extra supplies.  Will it be heavy?  More spotting?  Only God knows!  But I at least have supplies.  

I am going to look at footlockers today, I think they have one in a teal color that would work for Ron's room.  So ideally today I will get the footlocker and a twin eggcrate.  I won't put the mattress pad on the bed yet because the guys will have to (or I will), anyway it has to be moved for the work.  The footlocker can hold extra bedding I am liking that idea, I have a extra blankets, a quilt, and 6 fitted sheets that were not in use (I would layer them with waterproof mattress covers) when Ron died.  Everything on the bed and the bed itself got tossed, but I did keep the bed base (metal frame) and the unused bedding.  So I don't really need to buy bedding, although I am debating about a flat sheet.  

Tomorrow hopefully I get the remodel supplies for Ron's room, the paint, drywall, and trim paint; then the floor stuff.  That will take about a quarter of the budget.  Then the work itself will take about half.  So I have some left.  

I will be getting my usual weekly stuff (and more female supplies!) at Walmart today after work.  If I do get the footlocker I can put everything in there to go home.  I need cat food.  Although Baby Girl is pretty happy, she got cat food, treats, and a slice of turkey when I was making my sandwich.  I even tore up the turkey to make little bite sizes for her.  She's my beggar, she is always howling for something.  

I am ready to go to work I am just waiting on my ride.  I leave earlier tonight, then I did last night (last night was 8 PM).  I am covering for someone who took the week off so some odd hours this week.  And odd days off.  I can see giving me Monday off but why not Tuesday, too?  I love getting Tuesday off.  Not this week!  My next day off is Friday.  

And giving the widow Valentine's day off... I guess I will sit around the house with the urn... or I am thinking about doing a Bible handout.  So many couples in the store I don't know why they didn't get the day... but I will take it, I do need time off now and then.  

Happily my days off are lining up so I get off "earlier" on my "Friday night" so I can do my shopping after work and take the same ride home I would have done anyway.  I've done that twice now and it works out.  Not sure what it will be like shopping around dinner time, normally I would want to shop about 8 in the morning.  I am not bringing my extra bags as I plan to get the foot locker.  If they don't have teal black will do.  The nice thing it can be used for seating.  

It is so light out it is interesting for me, I am used to leaving the house when it is dark or the sun is barely coming up.  

That's it for now.  

Getting ready for another long day

 But it will be about $100 net in my pocket after taxes.  I thought it was funny, last night Dad thanked me for paying into social security as he draws a retirement check.  I doubt SS will be around for me in 20 years but you never know.  

I slept better last night, not great but better.  Work was fine, a little slow.  I don't expect it to be too crazy today as it's not a payday yet.  And too early for people to be getting back their income tax.  

Speaking of I am waiting on 2 forms, one from the blind vendors and one from the mortgage company, before I can file my taxes.  I also need to make some copies of my w2 as that is proof of income and I may need that for Medicaid or something.  I could probably get food stamps, too.  I may think about that.  

Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining, and I have enough to eat.  I am just thinking ahead.  When my aunt moves all the files move with her I suppose so I can't just call her and ask her to bring something over; I will need to have my stuff on hand.  So easy to make a copy, my printer will do that.  

I am going to try to look at paint chips at work today just in case they don't have the "Fiji" paint chip at Home Depot when I get the paint.  I want a nice turquoise.  I have a denim blue bedspread and will do navy curtains.  I am thinking of white or black storage and then some big feather pillows on the bed in yellow and hot pink.  

I try not to have too much furniture in the house as it is very easy to overcrowd a small house.  My inlaws did that, you could barely turn around.  My front room is nice and open, the orange room will be once I move the candy operation to Ron's room, my bedroom just has the dresser, bed, and footlocker.  Oh, and a small nightstand.  I plan to use Ron's room as candy bagging operation, guest bedroom, backup bed for me if a cat gets sick in my bed in the middle of the night, something like that.  

One night Torbie (gross alert) had a toilet accident in my bed, while I was sleeping, right next to my head.  And I had to get up and wash everything.  Really ate into my sleep.  It would be great just to move over (shut the door!) and get more sleep, then address the issue the next day.  

Speaking of the cats I made myself a sandwich this morning, turkey and salami.  Baby girl loves lunchmeat turkey.  So I gave her some.  I did my God Time and I always give the brown girls treats when I do that, so she got treats.  I went to take my probiotic and she was smacking my hand with her paw wanting to eat it.  I showed it to her and she went away.  I just hope she doesn't get sick from the turkey.  

That's it for now, take care!  

Friday morning

 Got to work OK on the bus, work was pretty uneventful but the app did log me out right before my lunch break.  That is a problem because I get stressed trying to log back in, my hands shake, I get anxious.  Let me tell you a lot of fervent prayers going up.  

I am embarrassed to admit that but I have committed to being real and transparent here.  So I got logged back in.  One time it kept me logged in for a month; if you want to pray for that I would be thrilled.  And good transportation, etc.  

So I got through work I can say now it wasn't terribly busy, but I did stay occupied.  It is really sad when you see cashiers wandering around arranging candy bars they are so bored.  But it did pick up around dinner.  

Apparently my store is one of the top producers according to what the manager said in the store meeting.  I was present and she also said they had w2's!  I thought they would mail them, but no, they don't, at least not at my store.  You go and ask at personnel.  So I did and got mine.  

I made about $9K last year, I would have thought it around 7.  I should qualify for some sort of tax credits and a bigger refund I hope, but we are still clearing out Ron's estate business; he got a payment from the blind vendors, some Social Security checks, etc.  The Go Fund Me does not count as taxable, or the various love offerings I got when Ron died (not that large according to IRS).  

I wish Dad had not told me what the other (step) kids make.  I was feeling fine that 2 did not send me anything, and one sent me I think $100 gift card, after Ron died.  Then he told me what they make (I did not ask) during a conversation and there goes the envy and resentment.  Let's just say the $100 was a drop in the bucket for them, and the one who made the most didn't send anything.  HARD not to be resentful.  But they don't owe me a damned thing.  They did like Ron (met him at a family reunion) I guess I am lucky to have that.  And I am sure it took them aback when he died and hopefully they held their loved ones a little closer.  But I need to let go of that it is a really awful thing to have in my heart.  

But, like I said, honesty.  

So I finished work and came home.  I need to get some more cat food I am thinking either look tonight, when I have a ride home, or Sunday, when I will also have a ride home.  I do have a good amount no one's going hungry, but it is a specialty food and I need to have it on hand.  Most of them could eat anything, and liked the "orange bag" adult Iams just fine.  But Biscuit can't eat that it has to be the magenta bag special Iams.  I just feed the same thing to everyone to prevent poaching.  

It is very difficult to feed 2 different foods to a group of cats, everyone eats the wrong thing.  It is very hard when you have kittens because the kitten food is so tasty, the adults want to eat it, the kittens want the adult food, etc.  And feeding them like this has worked for a couple years now.  But it means I go through about a pound a day.  

Worst case I will use Chewy.  I know they have it and I can get the large bags, they are more economical.  

So I came home, sent images of my w2 and a social security thing (like a w2 for social security) to my aunt so she has an idea of my income.  Dad is very curious so I sent him a copy of my w2 as well.  I don't care if he has my social because he is the one who applied for it, and probably has it on some paper around his house anyway.  So Dad got very excited and put it up on the big screen, looked at it.  We talked for about half an hour, he seemed to have more energy than he has had other nights.  We hung up and I took my shower.  

I didn't want to take my shower but 1.  I work at Walmart and 2.  I didn't want to take a shower in the morning.  I did that.  

I opened my mail and got the card!  I have been debating do I want to get an air fryer or rides, I think I will do rides/lunch money.  Air fryer will introduce a lot of fattening foods.  Ron always wanted to get me one, though.  But my aunt is moving and may not want hers, I will see.  If she gives it to me I will take it but she does use the toaster part of it on a regular basis.  So I am guessing it makes the cut.  

Then I went to bed.  I had pretty restless sleep but I may have figured it out; when I went to take my morning pills-of-the-week I only had one Wellbutrin in there.  I need to take 2; I must have made a mistake when filling the organizer.  Not having enough antidepressants on board would definitely do it, and I often don't pay attention when I take my pills.  So I took 2 and fixed the slots that only had 1, that may do it right there, I can hope!  

I am glad I did check.  I just won't be optimal on 75 mg.  I have been taking Wellbutrin for 13 years and I am happy with it.  I do get the dry mouth and some hand shakes out of it but other than that OK, and clearly I am OK to type.  

I have been taking the evening medication with me to work in a little vial with a screw on lid, it works very well.  Sometimes the capsule gets stuck in the vial but I have always been able to get it out.  

I am debating do I want to eat a green salad before work today because I need to eat it up; and I will not want to eat it tonight.  I will JUST get 7-8 hours of sleep if I talk to parents, take a shower, go to bed only.  Eating a salad takes time.  And if I do feel up for a salad later I can always have another.  I probably will.  I do wish I had a balsamic dressing though.  I tend to go for savory dressings.  

I did up about a dozen lunch bags with non perishable snacks on my day off and those have been good.  I didn't even eat all my snacks yesterday, didn't eat my fruit salad even, all I wanted on my last break was a soda.  Diet of course.  

That's it for now!  

I am feeling better about fixing up Ron's room.

 Bid accepted, contractor coming out in 2 weeks.  I sent my aunt a list of what I need if she and her husband want to just go get that and bring it to my house without waiting for my day off.  Someone at work took a vacation so I have to cover, a lot of hours for me but not much time off (split days off).  

I did set up a phone appointment with my doctor, for Monday.  That will be good to let him know I am OK.  I am still having disrupted sleep due to aunt leaving/financial worries but I will adjust.  If I could get through losing Ron and my job in just a couple of days I feel like I can get through anything.  And won't it be nice when I'm sleeping through the night again?  

My weight is 208 which I find OK considering I went on vacation and ate things like candied pecans at Buc-ees and bengiets at Cafe Du Monde.  I ate a big green salad last night for dinner, and also some fruit salad at a different point.  I cut up real fruit no syrup or anything so I feel that is a better choice for me.  I plan to bring some to work today I can have it on my last break.  My new fruit salad has blood oranges, mandarins, banana, and some melon in it.  

I am trying to eat different colored fruits and vegetables.  I can't go wrong doing that.  

I had a hard time getting to fixing Ron's room because it means admitting he is dead.  I did fine cleaning the room out and donating pretty much everything I could.  Had a harder time with fixing the room up again.  But I need to get this done before my aunt leaves and the cats will love to get in the room again.  I am looking forward to decorating it although it won't need much.  

I already have the bed.  I already have the bedding and denim-toned bedspread (washable).  I just need to get a chair, folding table, some organization (I plan to do up my Driver Candy at the table, it takes up a fair amount of room), and a couple of pillows.  I can get the table and organizer stuff (milk crates) at work.  Pillows I can get at a home store like Ikea or Home Goods, maybe Amazon.  Chair not getting that at work I will have to figure that out.  Probably Ikea.  Something with wheels would be great.  Or I could get something with wheels for my computer desk and then move the computer desk chair into Ron's room.  I also need to get some top sheets for the bed on the off chance someone sleeps there.  

I have a couple of floor fans I can use for the work when they are doing, haul those out and point it at the walls.  I may give the contractor one of them it is too loud and terrifies the cats.  I don't plan to put anything on the floor because cats just like to get sick on the floor.  My one throw rug in my bedroom is probably trashed as a result.  I will have to check that out the next time I have a "high energy" phase.  I think I can lint brush off the cat hair but the stains may need a hose.  

But I can actually get behind nesting for the room.  That's a big step.  And my aunt's friend is paying for it so that's even better.  It will do wonders for the resale value of the house if I ever want to sell (I don't).  And best of all I don't have to worry about the cats in the wall.  

That's it for now; I work a long day today so I will probably not post when I get home tonight.  

Wednesday Morning

 I got Indian food delivered last night, it was good.  I will freeze the leftovers today I feel like I need to clear the carbs.  

I also, at some point, need to make up some lunches for the next couple days.  Thursday and Friday I will get McDonald's double cheeseburger for my lunch, but I need to cover Saturday and Sunday as well.  I will worry about that later.  

I went to sleep OK but woke up again a couple of times.  My aunt reads this on occasion so I have to word this right.  It is a huge shock, her moving.  A bigger one than I expected.  I will be "fine" I have no doubt about that but there is going to be an adjustment.  And I am in the adjustment right now which equals sleep issues and depression.  

She has a perfect right to move and I am happy for her.  At the end of it, she doesn't owe me anything and I am clear on that.  I want her to go and be happy, although I think the winters are going to suck a bit more than they think.  God has got me this far, He will continue to carry me.  

It's just another loss on top of everything else.  And that is hard.  At least she is still alive.  I can call her, although probably not as often.  Maybe do zoom calls once I figure that out.  But it is cutting off a source of emotional support and that's an adjustment.  

Also, what the hell do I do on my day off now?  I am used to running around with her.  Do I do that in a cab?  My cab guy would love that.  Do I do it on the bus with one of those hand carts?  

I don't know, I guess God will help me figure it out.  I can do cab and Uber to a lot of places like the thrift store.  And from my understanding my aunt will come down now and then to visit.  So it's not a total loss, just a significant one.  

And the very LAST thing I would want is for her to feel bad about any of this.  I'm not her daughter, I'm her niece.  Her kids need her and I understand that.  Her grandkids need her, I think the one little grand daughter is having some trouble.  I wish them all well and hope they are really happy.  

And it's not about what I want, it's about what GOD wants and this is very apparent to both of us He wants her to move.  And I have been leaning on her a lot, time for the training wheels to come off.  

That all said it looks like a nice day.  I am going to take my shower tonight so I can go back to my nightly shower thing after work.  The hours work out a little better for that; I start later on the weekend and some week days next week.  Working later also means starting later which works out.  My hair and all look fine right now certainly for hanging out at the house.  

I even used my Mane and Tail Hair Strengthener on my hair today.  It smells like cherry cough drops but my hair seems to like it, if I can just use it consistently I think I will see good results.  I think I am going to open the blinds so I can get some sun.  

And I need to do my God Time regardless.  So off to do that.  

Tuesday morning

 I went to bed early and slept pretty well; but woke up again in the middle of the night.  Not liking that.  

And I am being really strict with caffeine.  

I got up, took my blood sugar and blood pressure readings, they were good.  I took a shower and shaved my legs.  They were pretty bad.  

Not sure if I mentioned it last night but Biscuit slashed me pretty good getting in my lap.  I was covered in blood it was pretty gruesome.  All on the inside of my sweatpants, which are black so they don't show.  Anyway he must have gotten a vein.  It finally stopped bleeding but I needed to clean it up; I used peroxide and it looks fine today (not infected).  

The cats are good.  Mom sent some catnip treats which they love (Temptations) even Spotty had some, and he never eats treats.  So they were eager for the delicious new treats this morning during my God Time.  I am apparently giving them enough treats that Torbie is gaining some weight, and Baby Girl remains, well, fat.  When 2 different visitors on different occasions call her fat I have to accept that.  

Ron would be pleased.  He said once "A skinny cat is unnatural".  And you may say, well a fat cat doesn't like as long, and you're right.  But all of these cats are rescues and suffered severe food insecurity at least once in their lives.  So I don't want to put them on a diet.  I feed them 1/2 cup dry food a day, some treats (about 10 for Torbie and Baby Girl), abundant water and that's it.  Rarely (less often than once a month) I give them a can of wet food (not fish).  I feel OK about that.  

When Biscuit has been boarded at the vet she had him on a similar diet (1/2 cup a day).  

So I did my Bible study, happy about that.  I am a little depressed.  1.  Fixing up Ron's room means facing he is really dead and never coming back.  2.  My aunt is moving.  3.  Finances (a sponsor is covering the home repairs).  

So that's where I am right now.  It is cold and overcast today so I'm happy I don't have to go to work.  

The lemon pie held me all day

 I had a little bit of headache come back on my break so I took an advil + a tylenol and that got it.  Work was pretty slow, it was cold and raining.  I did my job and clocked out on time, then got a shopping cart and did my shopping.  

I needed cat food (out of stock), lunch snacks (they had stuff that worked), some paper plates, TP (the good kind), protein (frozen ground turkey in various flavors), eggs, cottage cheese, yogurt, etc.  I also, at the end of it, got some fresh fruit (cut up melon; bananas; blood oranges) and a big tub of salad mix I hope I can finish before it expires.  I also got more salad dressing.  I got it all, just what was on my list.  

Then I got in a very long line to check out.  I had forgotten my debit card so I couldn't use the self check, I had to deal with a real person if I had cash.  But I took out the Jesus booklet and gave my cashier a bag of candy, which was a big hit.  

After that I bagged up my groceries my way, in my reusable totes.  Cold food went in the insulated tote, everything else went in the other 2 totes.  I got a lot of food for what I paid (got my discount).  The cab came and we went home, he helped me carry it to the house.  He got a bonus for that as he knew he would.  Then I put it all away.  It was so exhausting and I didn't have that much.  Once I got that done I put my bags away (will be using them a lot, in the future) and laid down for a nap.  I couldn't sleep but Biscuit got on me and purred at me for a while.  I got up, called my parents, heard Mom's caregiving saga with her mom.  

I am not doing laundry tonight, that can keep for tomorrow.  I really only need one load.  I need to call my brother he called twice the last couple days.  Then I am done for the day.  

That's it for now.  

Fried Lemon Pie

 I went to bed early, put on the nice hand lotion and dabbed on some lavender essential oil to help me sleep.  And I woke up in the middle of the night with a CRUSHING migraine.  I went back to sleep but could still feel it.  

I got up and took some Excedrin, took a hot shower.  Nothing.  I felt bad enough I thought I would have to call in, but I can't afford to lose the money and I get a penalty mark if I do that (only allowed 5 every 6 months).  Then I remembered: the lemon pie.  I ate one and started feeling better about 3 bites into the thing.  

I don't pretend to understand it but it works very well for me.  I don't even know what led me to try it the first time, but it has worked very well almost every time.  

I will put up an image.

Those are my favorite.  They come in a nice box so they don't get squished and a good quality filling.  I have been getting mine at FoodTown.  My Walmart sells another brand which is OK but very crumbly so I have to eat it naked 😂 so it doesn't get all over my clothes.  But do able.  

I am just so glad I feel better that was really a vicious headache.  I am going to go get ready for work.  I will be doing my shopping after work and then off for 2 days when I get home, nothing planned the next couple days.  I know rain is forecast for today but not sure about the other days.  

That's it for now.  

Sunday

 Well I got my new socks, I will be set for a while now.  I did wear a pair of the existing compression socks to work and I felt they helped my legs.  

I slept OK but had a really hard time getting up.  I did, of course, went to work, did my worker bee buzz buzz routine.  

I left on time and came home, met the contractor and he had a look at the house.  He had another man with him who said "nice" when he saw my house (he meant it, I think he liked the colors which are pretty bold) and also admired the bear.  He had a look at the drywall issue and said he would get back to me.  So I should get a quote the next day or two.  My sponsor is pretty eager to get the work started.  

All I will have to do is clear out the closet/take all the bedding off the bed so he can work.  Drywall work is very dusty.  This is something I need to do to heal; not really something I am wanting to do.  If it were up to me and the wall intact I would probably leave the room closed off forever.  But I don't think that's a good idea.  And I will be happy when it's done.  Right now it's just sad and depressing.  But Ron would want me to fix it up.  

So, the contractor left.  I tried to take a nap but didn't really fall asleep.  And I only had 210 mg of caffeine so not sure what that is; I almost forgot I did wake up again at 2 AM last night.  I thought I was done with that but apparently not.  

My aunt is coordinating the move they are getting ready to take the first expedition to her new place (hours away) in a few days.  I told her I would do all my Walmart shopping after work and she was relieved to hear it.  That saves me money if I do my shopping after work.  It will of course be crowded and busy but I am saving $40 which is enough to buy a lot of groceries.  

I made a list so I don't forget anything, or go off track.  For instance I do need dry cat food.  I managed to compact some of my reusable tote bags and squish them into the tote bag I take to work, cleaned out the work tote some as well, found bagged up candy with Scripture booklets which will be handy for my rides tomorrow.  I even have an insulated tote in there.  It folds up like the others.  I don't plan to spend a lot of money but I find it easier to have everything in 1-2 totes vs. lots of little bags.  I plan to have this whole "shop after work" down to a science by the time my aunt leaves in a couple months.  

The cats are good.  My cab driver buddy took me to work today, it was funny.  He said "A cat ran out of the yard when you left the house".  I said "Was it brown?"  (Baby Girl and Torbie) "Yes".  "Was it fat?"  "Yes".  "Oh, that's Baby Girl".  

Torbie is getting spoiled drinking out of the toilet.  She likes to wait for me to flush and then take a good long drink.  I think it's revolting but it makes her happy, and she is basically on hospice anyway.  She has 3 water bowls, one of which is a fountain.  And the toilet of course.  Can't forget that.  Now I'm yawning, when I don't need to sleep.  

I had a protein bar when I got home, a little later I had some fruit salad.  The fruit salad held up well but I won't be doing the kiwi again.  The flavor is fine but it's just not my thing.  I would rather have some melon in there.  I like the Guava a lot but worry about breaking a tooth on one of those seeds.  My goal is to have one small fruit salad a day, get a good mix of phytonutrients.  Ideal is also a nice green/red salad as well.  Which is one reason I put more dressing on the list.  I think I will be OK for nutrition if I have a green salad (I mean greens like spinach not iceberg lettuce), and a fruit salad every day.  I am just trying to keep my engine running.  

I don't plan to get a lot of protein foods, for one meat is so expensive, but eggs are still do able on my budget, as long as I can look at the actual eggs and make sure they aren't cracked (I am uptight about that).  I have plenty of cheese as well, lunch meat, and bread.  I also have canned tuna which is good now and then.  Some kippered herring in cans.  

Although I don't want to be like the woman at work today in the lunch room.  She was Asian and eating some sort of soup that smelled VILE.  It was so bad I had to leave the room.  I don't want to do that to my co workers.  So I will probably keep the fish at home; I have some chicken vienna sausage I can take to work in a pinch.  That doesn't smell.  

I try to be considerate.  That's it for now!  

Attack of the Widow Brain

 There's a "thing" known as widow brain where widows lose things, forget things, etc.  It is pretty common.  I had it last year when I lost my wallet; I had it again today.  

I just could not find my compression socks, and I tore up the house looking for them.  I had a hard time getting started, I was nice and cozy with my feather (used to be Ron's) quilt, lying in bed with Torbie on top of me purring.  Very hard to get up; but I did, and then I couldn't find my compression socks.  

Well, crap.  I put on some nice wool socks (cold today) and went to work.  Work was pretty uneventful.  I took the bus home and had really good connections, got out to the bus stop right as the bus approached, the homeless guy at the bus stop didn't hassle me, the driver stopped (they don't always if there is a homeless person at the stop), and then I had a good connection to the second bus I needed to get home.  We did get stuck in traffic but still not bad considering.  I will be glad when they get it all paved around the bus stop, right now it is pretty rough.  

I got home (nothing in the mail box) and tore the house up for an hour looking for those damned socks.  I looked in Ron's room, the orange room, the garage, the laundry room, ALL OVER my room.  Couldn't find it.  Well, I will be working several LONG shifts coming up next week, I need some good socks.  So I found the guys who sold me the first batch (which performed very well) and ordered another batch.  

About an hour later I walked into the bedroom and saw a dresser drawer open.  I went to shut it and there they were, all my compression socks laughing at me from the drawer.  I thought they were in a shoe box, that's how I had kept them.  But I got efficient and put them in the dresser, a good call I might add, but I went out of town right after, didn't work for a few days after I got home, and completely forgot I had put them there.  

But it could have been a lot worse; I could have lost my phone, cash, a credit card.  I could have lost one of the things I need for work.  I did not.  I can wear my socks tomorrow.  And the new socks weren't expensive.  I can use them for certain.  

I took a shower and washed my hair, got that all done.  My hair gets frizzy the next day, if I wash it the night before, but I am committed to doing this.  Besides I am not trying to catch a man.  The one guy I might be interested in I don't know his last name, if he's married, if he is saved (very important), any of that so as far as I know he's off limits.  

I had some decaf coffee with collagen in it, it was pretty good but a little rough on my stomach.  I had a shot of apple cider vinegar with honey in some water, and ate some cheese and crackers for dinner with my medication.  

And I am getting ready to go to bed.  That's it for now.  

Fun if you are a student of Bible Prophecy (or just want to look at my house)

 In Revelation it talks about the woman riding the beast, the woman being the false church riding the antichrist out of the sea, it is a rather confusing and obscure passage but I always think of it when I see this:  

Yes, that is Baby Girl riding the bear.  the orange striped blanket is the one I bought on my trip, purse in foreground.  Black and white bag between purse and bear is what I use for work.  

I thought it was funny and deserved a share.  She does this for hours at a time which is why I put the old t shirt up there.  I don't want her to mess up his fur.  

That, by the way, is the bear that freaked out my first responders the day Ron died.  

I have a surprise for you....

 Yesterday my aunt and uncle picked me up and we went to Louisiana.  We wanted a road trip for a couple of reasons: 1.  They are moving soon and I will probably only see them a few times a year.  2.  Ron's birthday was coming up and I didn't want to brood.  3.  I wanted to see Ron's hometown.  4.  My relatives wanted to go to New Orleans.  So we combined it all in one trip.  

They got me yesterday morning and off we went.  I went to the Baytown Buc-ees boy they pay their people well!  They had a big sign outside the store I could live really well on that...too bad it is way off the bus line.  I had fun, we stopped at a little gas station on the other side of the state line, I bought some drinks and a nice falsa blanket in orange (looks great on my loveseat, and washable, not expensive either).  We took back roads and stopped at a little roadside stand.  

I had very fond memories of cracklin's, which are fried out pork fat.  They are seasoned and then fried, and when well done are a thing of glory.  I looked at the bag of cracklin's for a while and decided I would always regret it if I didn't buy them.  They were homemade, which is generally either very good, or very bad.  These were very bad.  But I did get a nice jar of local honey as well.  We went to Ron's hometown.  

The adjacent town was a pretty good mix of very nice historical homes, small eateries, local business, and a small visitor center.  We stopped there.  The woman was not impressed when I told her I was a [last name].  Not impressed one bit.  I guess Ron's family do not have a good reputation.  We headed out to the hometown, it was a pretty complete dump.  They had a small, locally owned, grocery store, we stopped in.  My aunt said they had good meat prices, but I was interested in spices, I got a couple jars of Creole seasoning.  Every person in the store was black, staff and customers.  Later on we realized it was a "black" town.  Many small towns had the "black" town next to the "white" town and this seems to be the case.  It was heavily agricultural with some industry, a few fast food places, but other than that pretty much a bump in the road.  I did notice the grocery store had discounted the stevia packets to $1 a box.  Not a lot of healthy eaters, I guess!  

We stopped at a Walmart outside of New Orleans.  It was fun to look around, they had Mardi Gras stuff.  I got a garland for Ron's urn, my aunt says I am not being excessive with it.  I got some decaf chicory coffee which I love, some more Creole seasoning, and yet another jar of local honey.  I love good local honey, especially the dark wildflower kind, and I had 2 jars now.  I can put it in my coffee.  Yum, yum.  

We headed to New Orleans from there, my aunt had booked a hotel in the French Quarter.  We shared a room with two queens, it was small but large enough for the 3 of us.  We went out to dinner at Masero's, I think.  They had been there before, we walked from the hotel.  It was a little walk but not bad, and I had brought my walking shoes.  It would have been too much in any other kind of shoe.  The streets were narrow and rough, it would have been hard to push Ron in the wheelchair.  It was fun looking around, though.  

We had a good dinner.  I had Calamari.  They brought me so much a ring fell off my plate and into my purse, which I found very funny!  We had crawfish cakes (divine) in a "rich etouffee gravy".  It was a very good meal.  The owner came out (someone high up, either owner or manager) and made sure we had a good meal.  After that we went over to the river, looked at that, walked around a little and went to Cafe Du Monde.  I asked if they had any soy milk.  They were very nice about it but laughed.  So I got a decaf black chicory coffee which I already said I love.  My uncle got Cafe au Lait.  I got bengiets.  

Here are the crawfish cakes: 

Here I am at the Walmart with the Mardi Gras overalls:  

I did not buy the overalls.  Other photos cover details I would rather not share, including my last name.  But you get an idea.  

We went back to the hotel and went to bed, I fell asleep OK but woke up around 3.  So I read my tablet quietly while they slept.  They got up around 6 and we got ready, went out to breakfast.  We headed back home on I-10 not the backroads so we got home pretty fast.  We had lunch at my favorite taqueria and got me home by about 3:30.  They got home fine and have tons of leftovers from lunch.  We all had a good time I would absolutely take a trip with them again.  

The cats were happy to see me but not overly distressed.  I had left them with plenty of food and water.  

That's it for now!  

Monday night and Tuesday

I slept pretty well last night in spite of some pretty nasty depression.  I downloaded a book on prayer and finally got the nerve to look at my bank account: pitiful.  Well at least I know and I should be getting a direct deposit for 2 weeks' pay pretty soon.  

The cats are good, that makes me happy.  It is a little cool outside, and sunny.  I am wearing black jeans, black t-shirt, and a mauve hoodie that is pretty much the same color as my (occasional) lipstick.    

And I had my day all wrong; I thought we were leaving today and we are not.   Oops.  Oh, well.  I didn't make an ass out of myself over it.  

And I saw my aunt anyway, she brought me a twin mattress she is not taking when she moves.  It is in good shape and comfortable, she says (I believe her).  She got it here even though the rope snapped on the way, it must have been wedged in the trunk in such a way it didn't come out.  I know God did that; so anyway He apparently wants me to have another functional bed.  Why, I couldn't tell you.  I do wonder about that.  

But I kept Ron's blankets, put one in the wash, the twin fitted sheets were in good shape so I went ahead and put one on without washing.  Two nice pillows in Ron's room (not ones he used, I had them on the couch actually) can go on the bed eventually, but my aunt did suggest I get some sort of topper for the bed.  She gave me a water proof cover so that saves me some $$.  And I have at least a couple fitted sheets I didn't have on the bed when Ron died.  I threw away nearly all the bedding on the bed when Ron died, I did save the sherpa blanket.  It was not on him when he died.  These things matter.  😜

But does God want another  person in this house?  I couldn't say.  I hope not.  

But what do I need?  Mattress topper, top sheet, I don't think I need a quilt as I have 2 blankets.  Pillow cases to match my dark gray sheet.  I just looked, I have 8 fitted sheets, 7 gray ones, one white.  So get a gray top sheet?  Or some other neutral.  Get some pillow cases that will match the eventual turquoise in the room.  I do find it funny I have so much Ron bedding and only 3 sets of sheets for my bed.  Don't get me wrong, 3 sets is plenty for me.  But I went through a lot of bedding changes with Ron the last couple years.  It was great to just pull a fresh one out of my bag and throw the used one in the wash.  After all,  Ron needed the fresh sheets right away.  The gray ones are a very nice microfiber with elastic all around the bottom, too, so a nice sheet.  I just need to get a nice top sheet to go with it.  Something that goes with turquoise.  

And when the work is done I will get some under bed storage boxes.  I had those full of Ron's stuff and got rid of that.  I am sure I can find something viable.  It would be nice to store the extra sheets and blanket in a plastic box under the bed.  

Other than that my day was pretty good.  

That's it for now.  

Early Monday morning

 I slept pretty well but had a nightmare about my finances before I woke up.  While they are scream-worthy I can only do what I'm doing, work what hours I am assigned, etc.  If they give me more hours it kicks me into full-time and they are not ready to invest in that (medical plan, etc.).  I don't blame the company, this is basically a dating period to see if they feel I'm a good employee, if I pass the test I get more hours eventually.  But for now it is making hard choices  Yes I have enough to eat but you get the idea.  I am sure glad the house is paid off because I could never afford a mortgage.  But I still have good credit so hanging on to that.  

It would sure help if I could get free rides to work, but the 2 guys I use for rides are both hardworking types who can use the money.  Anyway, I got up, put on some sweats.  Baby Girl is in my chair so I will do my Bible Study later.  Torbie and Cleo are in my bed (they do get along in my bed but nowhere else in the house).  It makes me think I really do need to set up a twin bed in Ron's room.  Shut the door most of the time and then take a nap in the bed now and then free of cats.  And normally I love to sleep with a cat but they don't give me much room and sometimes I just want an hour... so I may do that, still playing with it.  

The room (Ron's) is only 10x11 so not much room for much else beside a bed.  I will think about it.  Spotty got in my lap for a while and I saw Biscuit as well.  I think it is still pretty cold out so the cats don't want to go out; although when we had our deep freeze/ice storm last year Spotty was right out there in it every day.  He found it enthralling, he would make a good cat for someone living up north.  

I am pretty much packed, I will wear bra, jeans, t-shirt, jersey, sneakers;  I will bring the dress, flats, and a string of freshwater pearls I bought many years ago (about a 24 inch strand of small black pearls), a nightgown and the usual socks and underwear.  That should be plenty for 2 days.  I will also bring my cell phone charger and my old phone, we can use that for music.  And my little tablet, a gift from Dad a few years back (about $100) that's loaded with all my Bible study devotionals, and a science fiction novel I am working on one bite at a time.  I may bring the tablet charger, too.  It will fit.  I have the toiletries (brush, toothpaste and brush, soap, shampoo, deodorant, small aerosol bottle of perfume) in a bag on the backpack it all fits nicely.  I may or may not bring my fanny pack.  On the one hand it screams "Tourist!" and could set me up to get mugged, but on the other hand it is convenient.  I don't think I'll need it if I wear my jeans.  

So I just need to shave my legs tonight, pack my dress, and then tomorrow get dressed and figure out the wallet situation.  

The cats don't need much, I will clean their boxes tonight and then set down extra food bowls (ick factor coming up you may want to skip to the +++).  Biscuit has a bad habit of gorging himself and then vomiting it back into the food bowl, ruining the food, so I need to have several small bowls all over.  +++

Baby Girl is firmly planted in that chair.  It is interesting they wouldn't get in the chair for a while until, I think, it smelled like me.  Then it was fair game.  I also put a towel in the seat because I do have pukers and an old cat who has had some toilet accidents (2).  But she looks cute so I won't bother her.  She is accustomed to getting treats when I do my Bible study so she is probably waiting on that.  

And I do need to do up some bags of candy, I am not sure how much.  I would like to do some with New Testaments in it, I have the Bibles I just need to get them out of the garage.  

That's it for now!  

Sunday

 So I was talking to a girl at work.  Her boyfriend has fathered 3 children with various disabilities and she was wondering if she should have a baby with him.  I told her no, disabilities are a lot of work for the people who love them.  I think she thought I was unkind but I can't imagine knowingly signing up for that if you knew what was coming.  

And it got me thinking during my shower, after his accident Ron was confused.  The urologist put him on Cardura which we later found out had all sorts of negative neurological side effects.  One day Ron refused it and he was pretty alert.  He asked what was going to happen to him.  I tearfully explained "everyone" had told me he would do great with a lot of rehab, but, for various reasons, rehab wasn't happening.  It would be up to me and me alone.  He put his good arm around me, pulled me close, and used his good arm to pull his bad arm around me too (I loved that).  

Ron told me he didn't want a fancy rehab, he just needed my love, at our home, with the cats.  That is all he wanted, could I do that?  Love him?  And of course I said yes.  "We're fine" he said "We'll do fine".  And we did.  Within a year he was back at work, walking everywhere, using his computer to file monthly reports and worrying about our cost of goods percentage for the business, making paratransit trips (not as easy as you might think), etc.  

Of course God gets the credit on that, as He should.  I just loved Ron and sought God's will in caring for him.  And I was there for Ron as he declined.  But it is a serious commitment.  

I slept OK and woke up exhausted.  I had pulled Ron's feather quilt out of his closet and put that on the bed.  I had Cleo on me and Torbie next to my head (my favorite).  And I had such a difficult time getting up.  I finally hauled my butt out of bed.  

But it does confirm, this and other days, that I need to do ALL my daily prep work (making my lunch, shower, setting clothes out) the day before to make things as easy as possible.  I got going though.  I had taken my shower last night so I had time to hit the snooze button a few times.  

It was very cold this morning, for Houston at any rate, so business was slow.  But every time the managers tell us about our sales they always relate better than quota numbers so I don't worry.  I got through the day, got my break, came home.  I was very happy to walk out as I don't go back for almost a week, and I only shared that at the very end as I don't believe in inciting envy in my coworkers.  

I got a soda on the way home.  My contractor had sent me a text he was sick.  Did I mind if he cancelled?  DID I MIND HELL NO.  Keep it AWAY.  Whatever it is.  So I have the rest of the day to myself.  I took a shower just to be careful and get that out of the way.  I have my baggy sweats and my favorite purple t shirt.  I do need to do laundry but not urgently.  

That's it for now.  

OOps, sorry I didn't post

 Work has been fine.  It's been really cold.  Happily we have a good heater at work.  Things have basically been uneventful.  

I was given a $1 clearance dress a friend found in my size.  I bought it, it looks good I think.  The neckline is not as frisky as you might think.  

Bonus shot of Biscuit in there.  It is nice, simple, romantic, not slutty.  I like it, I had been wanting a nice dress for a while.  Dresses weren't really practical when I had Ron because I often had to help lift and stow, take out, the wheelchair from a trunk or something.  My job was very physical I occasionally had to sit on the floor and pick up change, things like that.  So a dress wasn't practical for that.  But going out with friends/aunt and uncle yes it is fine.  

I had been eyeing this one: 

Which is now $9 at my store, but my aunt said not quite yet.  She was nice about it but basically not for a larger woman.  She did like the first dress when I sent her a photo.  And there will be lots of cute clothes in the store by the time I get down to my weight loss goal.  

So that was fun,  I washed it (the blue one) tonight and that is hanging up to dry.  I will take it on the trip it should pack well.  I also plan to bring my jersey.  

I haven't quite figured out what I'm bringing it's only 2 days.  The dress for dinner, the jersey for the first day, maybe my sunflower leggings?  A pair of jeans?  I want to put everything in my backpack I like to travel light.  When I went anywhere with Ron I had to bring bags and bags of crap.  Homecare stuff was 2-3 bags just by itself especially the last trip.  At least I don't have to tell the hotel to take the box spring so he can get in and out of bed easily.  Oh, and my nightgown of course, underwear, some monthly supplies because my period is so whack..I'll get it.  

The cats are good.  They are of course in the house because the weather is awful today, very cold and very windy.  I took a cab both ways to work.  Not sorry I did.  I will be cheap on many things but not that.  I even get generic brand female supplies but I do need a ride to work on nasty days.  

And I got my new schedule some 12-8's not sure what is up with that.  12 noon that is.  I will work it, get paid.  I need the money and it's in my availability.  

I have been waiting to eat my lasagna for a while now but it is molten every time I check it.  It looks cold from the top but it is deceptive.  I will get it eventually happily I am not super hungry.  I had a bag of my homemade trail mix at work today and that's been holding me.  

I also had a nasty headache I attribute to the cold front today but I managed to beat that back with my aunt's combo of 1 Excedrin and one advil.  It did a really good job.  Good to know.  I don't like to take 2 excedrin because of the caffeine.  

I will get a decent night's sleep tonight, I have been only getting 4-6 hours on Friday night due to public transit issues and early work start on Saturday but that is changing.  They even gave me one Friday off I don't know what I'll do with that.  

I'm going to go check on my lasagna.  

 It was good.  I have been taking a shower every night, ideal is right when I get home but sometimes later, then I don't have to do it in the morning.  It also gets the day's germs.  I have been doing it most nights.  Did it tonight in fact.  I will see if I can do this in the summer, I think I recall a problem last year.  But it will be great if I can get in the habit especially as I am out in it, working, etc. I would like to wash all that off before climbing in my nice clean bed at night.  We'll see.  

That's it for now.  

Thursday morning

  I am about ready to go to work.  The cats are good and I slept pretty well so happy about that.  I did all my prep stuff have my lunch ready to go, etc.  I also have the gas bill hopefully the Money Center will be open for that.  

Oops I forgot I have to pay cash or debit.  I am not taking my debit card out on the bus, I would rather lose cash if it came to that.  So I got the cash (not much, really) and my mask which I had ALSO forgotten, got that in my shirt pocket.  

Like Ron I prefer a pocket t-shirt.  Women's shirts are just not modest and I feel some things are for the husband only, if you have one.  Otherwise I keep it covered up.  That is just me.  I see a lot of cleavage at work I don't care about that but it does send a message.  

We are counting down the days to my road trip.  I won't say when I leave just that it will be a one night trip only.  I am looking forward to getting out on my days off.  Sunday the contractor comes by about the home repairs.  He's just giving an estimate.  

I need to tell Jack we are OFF for next week.  I haven't, yet.  I just forgot.  I would hate for him to go to the store and I'm not there.  

Other than that I don't think I need to do much.  I know the water cleanup guy said he always turned the water off when he went on a trip which is a good idea but it's one day?  I need to get some opinions on that.  I do have brand new plumbing so not overly worried about that.  

I really need to figure out day off activities.  Remember the Day Out of old when I would run around on the bus?  I'm not really feeling up to THAT just yet but it is a goal.  One day I need to stay home, clean, rest for certain.  The second day I can sleep in a little and then go out on the bus maybe.  I'm not sure.  I will figure it out and pray on it.  

That's it for now.  

Wednesday night

 My aunt came, I had fun with her.  I have got to figure out a way to get to Foodtown; we ran by there and they had an incredible deal on produce markdowns.  Even if I only eat a little I will have still saved a lot of money.  I got various fruit options so I can make fruit salads to take with me to work.  I want to eat better and that will be an easy way to do it.  I don't need to eat garbage snacks.  And it can only do me good to eat whole, real, foods.  

I don't know if I shared this but Ron's family is from out of state.  A small town outside a bigger town..and that town is home to a football star with my last name.  So, likely, we are related.  I had talked to my Dad and aunt about buying myself a jersey "someday" and they got bought me one as a surprise.  I like it very much, my name across the back, the colors are great, etc.  It fits great.  It was a little slow shipping apparently but I have it now and I like it.  I am having trouble getting the photo to load on my Google Photos.  But that is OK I can't put it on the blog it reveals my last name.  I did send the guy a friend request on FB if he accepts it that will be fun.  I do plan to follow his career, Dad taught me about football when I was a little girl, and we used to watch games together.  And this guy is very good, Ron used to love listening to his games.  It is fun.  That was a bright spot today.  

We went to the Walmart, went 3 places trying to pay my gas bill and all of them closed.  I will have to try at work tomorrow.  I am reluctant to do online payments but will if I have to.  

I got the fruit I wanted, some really tasty looking grapefruits, some mandarin oranges, a bag of key limes, and some mangoes.  I plan to peel the oranges, put the segments in a container, put a few mangoes, and squirt some lime juice over it all.  But wait!  When we went to Foodtown to get my lemon pies they had a markdown rack of older produce.  It is still good but not as appealing.  They had it done up on trays for $1.  I found a nice tray with kiwi and lemons that looked good so I got that.  So now I can add kiwi to my fruit salad.   It is of course a little bruised so I will cut out the bad parts first.   

As it turns out not a lot of bad parts.  I made one bowl of fruit salad to take tomorrow, cut up kiwi, took the top and bottom parts off the mango, peeled and segmented a nice mandarin orange, halved a key lime to squirt juice on before eating.  That is in my lunchbag, in the fridge.  I also got some portioned out cottage cheese, about 1 cup size with a peel back top.  I put one in there as well.  Fruit and cheese, will be great on a break.  I need to stay away from those mini pecan pies.  Work is very good about supplying disposable, wrapped, cutlery but I am bringing my own utensils just in case.  I also have some salty snack mix in a 2 ounce bag, etc.  No way I will eat all of it but I have OPTIONS.  And most of what I have is very healthy.  

I did keep forgetting the celery sticks (the ones already cleaned) but I can pick those up another day.  This is a really good start.   

Oops I got guava not mango.  They are good, though.  Glad I got a pound.  That's it for now.  

Wednesday morning

 I slept OK and woke up with a couple cats in the bed.  It's a good thing I have a queen size.  If my bedroom were bigger I might consider getting a king.  

I got up and took my pills.  I did them all up last night, 3 weeks' worth.  I did not put the probiotics in the organizer as they tend to get funky when I do that.  I just take them out of the bottle every morning (that and the prebiotic which is Jerusalem Artichoke).  I am figuring out what I want to do for my lunch snacks and have that all lined up.  I need to get some fruits/vegetables today but not much.  I also want to get some walnuts for my trail mix.  I mix dried fruit, walnuts, and pecans.  It is pretty good and not a headache or allergy trigger.  

Technically there are some foods I should avoid because they are likely processed with peanuts or almonds, which I'm allergic to, but I have taken the chance and been OK so far.  

I had a pretty bad problem with depression this morning but I am turning that over to God and just trying to push through.  I was not depressed yesterday, it was very nice.  And I will have more and more better days, I just need to be patient.    

But I finished the laundry, did up candy to hand out, got more candy out of storage (I always need individually wrapped candy and ziplocks).  Did my prayer time and some of my Bible study.  I even got a few travel size toiletries out of my closet (I found them while organizing) and put them in my backpack for my trip next week.  

One thing I need to address: for the last year I have holed up in the house on my days off, except for trips with my aunt.  She is moving; I can't do that anymore.  I need to go out on my days off and do something.  Not sure what, how or even how to pay for the ride.  But I will figure it out.  I am pretty certain I am going to do my Walmart business after my last shift before my day off (Friday night).  I am looking for a referral basically to a friend of hers who offered (in passing) to help "sometime" if she works out that would be fantastic.  But I may just need to go out on the bus and/or pay for a ride.  I do know I have to get out; it's not healthy.  Depression is just a lot worse when I stay home.  Sure, I can sleep late, do chores, make a list, etc.  But then I need to go out there and do something.  Just not sure what or how.  

I don't want to crash after my aunt leaves and have to be put back together.  I want her to feel good about leaving, that I will be fine.  And I will be.  

I threw myself on God pretty much the minute I found Ron dead and always have figured He was going to take care of me.  It is scary at times and I would much rather have Ron alive and well (that's been a long time), but he is happy in Heaven and always said he wouldn't come back a second time.  

See, Ron was legally dead for about 10 minutes after the accident, when the paramedic found him his heart had stopped, so the paramedic did CPR on Ron for at least 10 minutes until he got Ron back.  "The training just takes over" he told me.  "I didn't do anything special".  While Ron was dead he rose out of his body and went to heaven.  He said he remained blind there but since he was coming back I can see why God did that.  Anyway he said it was so perfect "There are no words to describe it" peace, "No fear" etc.  When he came back he adopted Revelation 21:4 as his favorite verse and just wished with all his heart, hoped, begged even to go back every day since.  He told me more than once when he died the next time he was staying dead and for me to do nothing to stop him, no "code", just to let him pass quietly with no intervention.  "I'll haunt your ass if you don't" he told me, and I told the EMS supervisor that when I asked them to let Ron go.  So I have no regrets stopping the code after half an hour.  I figured that was more than enough time for him to come back if that was God's will.  

So I don't feel sorry for him being dead: he was in horrible pain and his mind was rotting away.  He was ready to go even though it was too soon.  I feel bad for myself, my life was ripped apart.  Things are new and scary.  I have to ride the bus at night, cross very busy city streets (a fear of mine), deal with a whole new scene.  God takes care of me, of course, but it's still scary.  I'd be lying if I said otherwise.  God is there through all of this and it's my hope I grow closer to God and develop my faith out of this.  

God did surgery on my life, cutting away my husband, my job and now about to mostly cut out my aunt.  He cut away my transportation and most of the people I knew.  He has given me back the bus as a mission field (I hand out so many bags of candy and scripture booklets the bus drivers call me the Candy Lady).  He may give me another husband, etc. but I have to be patient and accept this is God's plan for me right now.  Do I like it?  No.  Do I do my best to accept it?  Yes.  

I do ask God to give me the grace to deal with my life right now.  That's it for now.  

Tuesday morning

 I slept well last night; got up around 8.  I didn't need a shower as I had taken it last night.  

I paid the electric bill (internet) I am not used to doing it online but my company makes it pretty easy.  The next month or so I will set up an account, for now I can just make a one time payment if I crank in the account number.  For now I plan to pay the gas bill (about $70 last month) at work.  My gas bill is naturally higher in the winter as I have a natural gas furnace, and, to quote Ron "It's the first time I've felt WARM in the winter".  

Then I called the guy who did all my work 2 years ago (drywall, light electrical, paint, and flooring).  He was interested in another job.  Of course he asked how I was doing so I had to tell him about Ron.  And I am TERRIBLE at taking condolences.  I am just awful receiving them.  But I got through that and told him what I wanted, sent him some pictures, made an appointment to have him come out and give a formal estimate.  

Plan is my aunt's friend will pay for repairs, which would be awesome.  She is a very nice lady (they both are).  I just need to clean a few things out of Ron's room before the work starts.  

I did have some trouble with my "messages" folder it froze up and I had to reboot my phone, but I got through that and got the messages sent with a brief explanation of what I wanted.  I plan to do the work in 2 stages, first will be drywall/paint (I really need to get that done with cats getting into the wall), then the floor.  I mainly want to keep the cats out of the wall.  I am sure I will love the color when that's done.  My email has been glitchy too but I am getting through that OK.  It may be time for a new email, maybe.  I have had this one for 24 years and I get an astounding amount of spam.  I may have 2 accounts one for actual correspondence I want and another for shopping, etc.  But I have my email set up with the bank... ugh.  So I will have to keep it for now.  

I also made a protein shake so I am good on that account.  I need to figure out lunch snacks the next couple days for work.  I work 4 days, two long and two short.  For the long days I can get a double cheese burger from McD's and then have accessory snacks with that.  For the short days I plan to take a lunch I make myself.  I can take a bus home from work on Saturday, and a bus to work on Sunday, but take my usual ride home Thursday and Friday nights, then a ride home on Sunday because that's when I arranged to meet my handyman.  

I need to get walnuts and cheese sticks.  Then I am good for lunches.  I may get some yogurt covered raisins I'm not sure.  I already got Chex mix (cheese flavored) in the little bags, and some individually wrapped Biscotti which will be good.  I used to hate these sort of snacks available to the general public when I had the vending business but now I love them.  

The vending machine at work is not exactly predictable.  I told the service guy the canned soda vendor had a coin jam and he played dumb, said he "couldn't" fix it.  If I could fix a coin jam anyone could.  I was pretty disgusted and I do NOT view myself as any sort of "handy" person.  I even gave away all Ron's tools (except the vice grips which I use to open stubborn bottles of soda).  

But I will deal with the snacks tomorrow.  I got some chicken Vienna sausage.  I would like to carry that for a work snack, low carb, high protein, decent amount of salt (I actually have to consume a high salt diet), cheap, we seem to have plenty available.  But I need to try it and see 1.  Is it revolting?  and 2.  Is it a migraine trigger?  

I took a nap and woke up with a headache which I am still battling, if I can get that under control I will try the sausage.  If I like it I will buy a couple cans every time I go into work and build up a little stash, take them in my lunches as an option if I am still hungry.  

I had some food insecurity as a child.  My family had plenty of food but it didn't always get to me because my mother was incapacitated by depression/drinking.  Dad had to work, nannies weren't a thing, my sister was in school.  So I would often go unfed for long periods of time.  Dad always fed me first thing when he got home from work (probably after changing me which didn't happen either I imagine).  But I just built up that insecurity about my next meal which has driven some food choices in my life.  All that to say I like to have a little more than I need in my lunch, so I will not go hungry.  I don't eat it all, usually, but it is nice to have it there.  Also if a coworker forgets her wallet or something I can offer something to eat without affecting my meal.  

I like doing up the meals in advance, that way, in the morning, I can just grab the bag and head out the door.  But that's tomorrow.  

My head is feeling better thank God.  I will let you know what happens with the sausage.  

That's it for now.  

Edit: the sausage was OK I might actually want some hot sauce with it.  We will see if I get a headache tomorrow.  

Oh I'm tired

 But I will try to crank out a blog.  I got up at 3, caught a bus at 5:15, at work by 7.  I got to transfer various buses in the dark but did OK.  Work was OK.  

I did find it a bit disturbing as I walked past the open bins.  We sell tagged underwear in the bins, sorted out by color, various sizes up to a 22 I believe.  Anyway a man was pawing through the ladies' underwear bins with a lustful expression on his face. I found it nauseating.  And need I say, if you buy underwear from an open bin (I used to back when Mervyn's was a thing) WASH IT before wearing.  Happy to leave that scene let me tell you.  

Other than that it was pretty uneventful.  After work I clocked out, got a shopping cart, and did my shopping.  I consulted my aunt about a dress I had been eyeing, she said no.  Well she was nice about it but not at this size, basically.  I asked for her opinion because I trust her judgement so I went with that.  

She sent me an email (my email has been acting up) about our reservations which look very nice, we are going next week.  

And I got my salad and such.  When I got home I put my groceries away and then took a shower.  Did some laundry.  I am liking the take a shower at night concept, it works, but it's an adjustment especially after a long day.  But worth it.  

I had a good cab ride home from work and saved what would have been over $40 round trip to work had I gone back on my day off.  The cats are great, I am looking forward to bed time.  Anyway, that's it for now.  

Home again (Sunday night)

 Work went well I am done for the day.  I basically have to go to bed the minute I stop typing, though.  I had enough time to take a shower, call my aunt, call Mom and Dad, and eat some cheese and crackers, take my pills.  Then bed.  

I am getting up early tomorrow and taking the bus to work, trying to save some money.  It should be a little exciting trying to get my rides in the dark (no streetlight) but I will manage.  I plan to do my grocery shopping after work.  

The cats are good.  That's it for now.  

Sunday morning

 One issue I've had, when to pay for a ride.  When I work until 10 I do.  When I work until 10 and then work at 9 am the next day I do.  Figuring out the rest of it.  

I finally beat the migraine, that was 2 days of hell.  But I was able to work.  I sat down with the bus schedule and figured out I can take the bus to get to work tomorrow, that will save me money, and then after work I plan to take a cab home as I plan to shop and it is my "Friday night".  I have the funds for that.  

Today is a long day so don't look for a post tonight.  I will come home, shower, eat, talk to family, go to bed pretty much.  But tomorrow I only work 5 hours so that's good.  

I am thinking about a cute dress we have at work, for the road trip.  It ought to pack well, too.  I will try it on after work tomorrow and see what I think.  It would be good for church or a date if I ever have one, too.  

Not looking to date but I have, literally, one dress and it is ugly.  Off I go.  

Saturday

 Last night went fine, I came home, took my shower, made my phone calls, went to bed.  Got up, cab to work.  Work was pretty uneventful today I had some good customer interactions.  I enjoy that aspect of my job (generally).   

I woke up with a very nasty headache.  I managed to squish it but it came back a few times.  

I need to go to bed... love you guys.  

It was a long day last night

 So my Dad knows my aunt is moving, he seems OK with it.  I know he is a little freaked who will take care of me but she's only a couple hours away if something happens, and she would come if it were bad.  

I was pretty depressed yesterday morning but I had bought a bottle of no name lavender essential oil on my day off, I dabbed a little of that on and it helped.  Today I am battling a headache and can't take my antidepressant so I will have to muscle it.  It is the anniversary of Ron's accident.  

Anyway I took the bus to work.  I had a very nice experience.  I was walking to the bus stop.  There are buses every 30 minutes, one comes by about 20 after and then 50 after.  I had planned on catching the 50 after, but the 20 after pulled up to the stop when I was about a block away.  He opened his doors and waited for me so I hustled over there.  I got it!  He was very nice about it, took some candy.  

The other 2 drivers did not want candy, I believe one is a healthy eating type with an uncontrolled diabetic in her family, the other one I think his resolution was "eating better".  All well and good.  So, when I got to work, I bought some bags of trail mix (about a 2 ounce bag with nutrition labels and everything).  I can hand those out, even the healthy eaters like those, but the one lady will probably only take a bag of straight nuts.  

Work was pretty uneventful except for the lady who was in my area, saw me pull my mask down for a drink of water, said "I KNOW YOU" and wanted to know where she knew me.  I told her it was either the Post Office or Metrolift and she said it was the Post Office.  Then she wanted to know what I did and didn't remember Ron, but remembered me.  How do you forget a blind man in a wheelchair?  I found that very sad he has been so quickly forgotten by everyone.  She asked a bunch of questions what I was doing since Ron had died so I told her.  She eventually wandered off.  Another employee came up and wanted to know how I knew her, as the lady is known to be a difficult customer.  

I had to set some boundaries with my coworkers but I was nice about it.  I am not getting into trouble over a petty issue.  

I still have some headache, I am going to try my essential oil roll on.  It is helping some.  

When I got home last night I called my aunt and then my parents, after I hung up I took a shower, put in my leave in conditioner, and went to bed.  And I was very unimpressed with the leave in stuff.  This is the second time I used it - and I put a fair amount.  It doesn't look like I used anything, but it got my hair all slimy after I put it in but it is not softer or anything.  The Mane and Tail spray I at least get nicer hair using it, but this stuff nothing.  I am debating taking it back for a refund or just chunking it in the trash.  I will be writing an Amazon review.  

I need to figure out what to wear today, feels like temperature is in the 30's but the work floor is pretty warm at work, I have limited space in my bag.  I need to purge the bag and get rid of anything I can.   I did that, boy did I have a lot of masks.  They hand out the blue paper mask in a baggie at the door when I check in and I had a few.  

I had a negative encounter with a disabled man last night who wanted to get away with something "Because I'm crippled".  It would have cost the store a lot of money.  I didn't let it happen but he thought I was a real bitch, said so, said I was not sympathetic to cripples.  I scoffed but did not say anything else.  Ron would have loved to only have his problems.  And Ron never went around trying to get over "because I'm crippled".  I believe the man is one of those guys who begs at intersections.  Management was fine with what I did which is all that matters.  I was pretty mad, not at what he said to me but Ron would have been livid he was trying to get over like that.  Ron never wanted anything for his problems.  He was so mortified a couple of times people gave him money when I wasn't around.  And Ron was probably the worst-off disabled person I have ever met.  The blind plus the wheelchair and the other issues trump everything I've seen out there.  I did not say anything to the man other than :"I'm sorry you have those problems but..."  

So my bag is cleaned out.  I need to check the weather again.  Is it windy?  That's going to inform my choice of clothes.   Windy... so long underwear and a couple of layers, wool socks.  I should be fine.  The long underwear fit great, it was too small for years but now OK.  I have my medication, etc.   And I feel good I pruned the bag.  

The cats are good, they don't want to go outside.  I got my electric bill, I keep it pretty warm in here but still only $45.  That is great, I will pay it on my day off.  I am curious to see what the gas bill runs.  Winter tends not to be expensive re: utility bills even though the heater does run.  And like I've said my house has no insulation in the outside walls so I figure it must be God keeping it cozy.  

It's about time to go I will probably not post until Saturday afternoon because I won't get much sleep tonight.  Take care.