Thursday

 I slept a good long time, no nightmares.  Still woke up depressed.  I used to have atypical depression where I would have trouble in the evening, but now it is more typical with morning troubles.  

Part of me feels foolish grieving because Ron had flaws, but doesn't every man?  He had some serious issues with drinking and all but I still loved him, I miss loving him and that is going to be a while recovering.  

I hope to be pretty done with this by about a year out.  I have no idea if that is reasonable but we are almost at 7 months.  And it can't go on forever because I know Ron is with God and not rotting somewhere.  I just wish I had a timeline.  

And no I am not looking for another man.  There are some nice, presumably single, guys at work but I have made it - well all I do is talk about Ron so they get it.  I am still wearing a wedding ring, thank you Amazon.  It has withstood the chemicals I occasionally use at work and home, hand sanitizer, etc. so it was a good choice.  It is not flashy either so I shouldn't get robbed.  

Today I only ride the bus one way and then hopefully Jack takes me home after work.  He has been pretty reliable.  I can't take the new route back home, it just misses the last bus I need by 5 minutes (leaves 5 minutes before planned arrival).  So I would have to take the old route out and around which is longer and frankly more scary.  But I would call a cab before doing that hopefully he could help; last case I would ask another employee to give me a ride home (and pay them).  It is not hard to find my last name at work (for an employee) and if someone wants to find me I'm going to be found, so would be OK with this.  

The cats have been attentive the last few days.  I know the brown girls (Torbie and Baby Girl) want treats and that is a large part of it but it is sweet to have them sitting next to me as I work on the computer.  

I did my God time happy about that, and spent some free time talking to Him in the shower, etc.  I ask for help with pretty much everything and everything I read says He wants to do that.  He has given me everything I need, I kept my home, kept my cats, paid all my bills and still have a small emergency fund.  I also was literally handed a job (they called me and said the job was mine if I wanted it, no interview) I can do well and keeps my mind off my troubles some of the time.  But it's also a job that does not follow me home like the vending did.  

All I need to do is get my McDonald's gift card and stick it in my wallet.  I plan to use it to buy a double cheeseburger for my lunch at work.  I have an insulated tote bag for work because I have my doubts about the fridge.  I have used the microwave a few times, and maintenance does keep it very clean (unlike my last job).  

I am debating something with the budget.  I can buy a 6 pack of bottled soda for say, $3, fifty cents a bottle.  I do that every week and keep them at home, drink a couple of Diet Dews as I try to elevate my mood and energy for work.  I have decided I can afford to do this at present especially as I have tremendous help from my aunt with transportation for grocery shopping.  

At work a 20 ounce (cold) bottle of soda is $2.  Now I get a little discount on that but that is still $2.  I work 5 minutes for that.  Do I want to continue to buy a soda at work?  Or just bring one from home?  It does weigh down the bag if I do.  I haven't decided.  

I am at caffeine quota for the day so I won't be buying one today.  They have a pretty good assortment of sparkling water and I like pretty much everything but the blackberry and mango flavors.  I plan to get a couple of that.  I took out the recycle and fed the cats.  

I need to clean the litter box tomorrow morning but they should be OK until then.  I like to clean the box right before I take my shower so I can wash off the dust (and there's always some no matter what they say on the package).  I need to set up my light so it is on when I come home, I like that.  It is a lot less depressing.  

Happily I am forgetting what it was like to come home from work and greet Ron.  It is going to be a long process with a lot of scar tissue covering memories.  

I know a lot of readers were horrified I stayed with Ron though the bad times and more than one person said they stopped reading because it was "too depressing".  Well now he's dead.  I am still struggling as I always expected I would, but I never in a million years dreamed he would die in his 60's.  I thought I'd have him to his 80's or 90's.  That was a huge shock to me even with his poor health.  

I am glad he died on such a nice day so I could open up all the doors and air out the house.  There wasn't an odor yet when they took him but I just felt suffocated.  

That's it for now, not sure if I will do another post when I get home or not; will do one tomorrow either way.