Wednesday

 Ron's death affected me in unusual ways.  My hand tremor got worse, and so did my traffic anxiety.  I have a terrible time walking by busy streets, crossing busy streets, etc.  One example I have not wanted to cross the busy street outside of my Walmart to take the bus home, I took the bus in front of the store around in a loop that took about 2 hours.  

Today I had a 4 hour shift so I figured I would give it a shot, crossing the busy street.  When he was here Dad walked me over to it, pushed the button, showed me it didn't look so awful and a nice long time to cross.  That really helped.  

I took Jack to work because I would have encountered rush hour traffic with NO light or crosswalk,  outside the subdivision, and I'm not up for that.  And for now they only have me working every other Wednesday.  I can manage the ride to work.  

I went to work, was pretty depressed but they kept me pretty busy as they do.  I would hate to see me without a job I know April was a really horrible month for that.  Sometimes I get flack from customers or stressed but it is a lot better than sitting at home brooding.  

I also got paid today which was good.  I got a little more than I anticipated so that was nice.  After work I started getting anxious again; I prayed about it and asked God to help, and He did.  I got across the street OK and can definitely do it again.  All the cars stayed where they should; at some crosswalks they are permitted to turn in front of the pedestrian,  etc. and that can be very disconcerting.  Not this one.  

There have been some fatal accidents with jaywalkers, etc. in front of the store so my belief the authorities wanted me to have as safe a crossing as possible.  That way when the next person runs in front of a big rig trying to catch the bus they can say "We did what we could".  

As it is I see crossing a busy street and flash back to Ron in the hospital after the accident.  The 20 years of hellish daily pain he had afterward.  It's worse since his death.  I used to be pretty blase about it but not the last 6 months.  

But I did that, can face the thought of doing that again.  I bought myself some dinner once I got across (takeout) with one of my gift cards.  It was about 2 hours home on the bus including my walk from the bus stop and the waiting on connections.  But I saved the money I would have spent on a ride.  

Now I plan to take a ride home on Monday just because that is the end of my work week.  But I won't need to buy a ride home Saturday and Sunday.  Just tomorrow and Friday.  I can do that.  

But I am exhausted.  It was handy how God set up my schedule so I had a short day today and could try the route before I came up on the weekend.  I don't get much sleep Friday night so will be tired Saturday, that led me to avoid trying the bus home a few weeks.  But now I can do it.  

This may seen ridiculous to you but it is a part of my life.  I have huge anxiety with this if I let it.  I am just glad I can still function.  

And I am TIRED so I am going to bed early tonight.  I had a big salad with my dinner tonight so my nutrition is good.   That's it for now.