Wednesday morning

 I had a hard night as I expected.  I keep thinking back over the last few years and checking boxes.  

I do plan to write a letter to the medical examiner thanking him for the autopsy, being so thorough, and getting me answers.  He sent off samples of Ron's brain to an expert for analysis.  And it came back Alzheimer's.  I will also enclose a scripture booklet because I don't like to miss a chance.  What the doctor does with it is up to him but I at least sent it.  

I am sure my aunt will help me with that.  

I just feel so sad for Ron the last couple years must have been hell.  I am so glad he died when he did because he would have ended up in a facility, blind, scared, it would have been hell for him.  No cats, they probably wouldn't let me visit much, etc.  But he avoided all that.  

The caregiver group had a lot of Alzheimer's caregivers and it was extraordinarily difficult for them.  A lot of despair, anger, and pain.  You know it is going to end in a protracted, miserable, death.  Nothing you can do...I was spared a lot of it.  

I do feel bad yelling at Ron a week before he died.  He kept waking me up at night (it is called "Sundowning" as it generally starts at sun down, very bad behavior in dementia and alzheimer's patients) and I snapped at him, told him I couldn't take care of him at home if he wouldn't let me sleep!  But at the time I thought it was a drunk thing and not a brain thing.   

But I did take care of him, at home, until the end.  My hands are clean and I can live with myself.