Thursday

 I slept a good long time, no nightmares.  Still woke up depressed.  I used to have atypical depression where I would have trouble in the evening, but now it is more typical with morning troubles.  

Part of me feels foolish grieving because Ron had flaws, but doesn't every man?  He had some serious issues with drinking and all but I still loved him, I miss loving him and that is going to be a while recovering.  

I hope to be pretty done with this by about a year out.  I have no idea if that is reasonable but we are almost at 7 months.  And it can't go on forever because I know Ron is with God and not rotting somewhere.  I just wish I had a timeline.  

And no I am not looking for another man.  There are some nice, presumably single, guys at work but I have made it - well all I do is talk about Ron so they get it.  I am still wearing a wedding ring, thank you Amazon.  It has withstood the chemicals I occasionally use at work and home, hand sanitizer, etc. so it was a good choice.  It is not flashy either so I shouldn't get robbed.  

Today I only ride the bus one way and then hopefully Jack takes me home after work.  He has been pretty reliable.  I can't take the new route back home, it just misses the last bus I need by 5 minutes (leaves 5 minutes before planned arrival).  So I would have to take the old route out and around which is longer and frankly more scary.  But I would call a cab before doing that hopefully he could help; last case I would ask another employee to give me a ride home (and pay them).  It is not hard to find my last name at work (for an employee) and if someone wants to find me I'm going to be found, so would be OK with this.  

The cats have been attentive the last few days.  I know the brown girls (Torbie and Baby Girl) want treats and that is a large part of it but it is sweet to have them sitting next to me as I work on the computer.  

I did my God time happy about that, and spent some free time talking to Him in the shower, etc.  I ask for help with pretty much everything and everything I read says He wants to do that.  He has given me everything I need, I kept my home, kept my cats, paid all my bills and still have a small emergency fund.  I also was literally handed a job (they called me and said the job was mine if I wanted it, no interview) I can do well and keeps my mind off my troubles some of the time.  But it's also a job that does not follow me home like the vending did.  

All I need to do is get my McDonald's gift card and stick it in my wallet.  I plan to use it to buy a double cheeseburger for my lunch at work.  I have an insulated tote bag for work because I have my doubts about the fridge.  I have used the microwave a few times, and maintenance does keep it very clean (unlike my last job).  

I am debating something with the budget.  I can buy a 6 pack of bottled soda for say, $3, fifty cents a bottle.  I do that every week and keep them at home, drink a couple of Diet Dews as I try to elevate my mood and energy for work.  I have decided I can afford to do this at present especially as I have tremendous help from my aunt with transportation for grocery shopping.  

At work a 20 ounce (cold) bottle of soda is $2.  Now I get a little discount on that but that is still $2.  I work 5 minutes for that.  Do I want to continue to buy a soda at work?  Or just bring one from home?  It does weigh down the bag if I do.  I haven't decided.  

I am at caffeine quota for the day so I won't be buying one today.  They have a pretty good assortment of sparkling water and I like pretty much everything but the blackberry and mango flavors.  I plan to get a couple of that.  I took out the recycle and fed the cats.  

I need to clean the litter box tomorrow morning but they should be OK until then.  I like to clean the box right before I take my shower so I can wash off the dust (and there's always some no matter what they say on the package).  I need to set up my light so it is on when I come home, I like that.  It is a lot less depressing.  

Happily I am forgetting what it was like to come home from work and greet Ron.  It is going to be a long process with a lot of scar tissue covering memories.  

I know a lot of readers were horrified I stayed with Ron though the bad times and more than one person said they stopped reading because it was "too depressing".  Well now he's dead.  I am still struggling as I always expected I would, but I never in a million years dreamed he would die in his 60's.  I thought I'd have him to his 80's or 90's.  That was a huge shock to me even with his poor health.  

I am glad he died on such a nice day so I could open up all the doors and air out the house.  There wasn't an odor yet when they took him but I just felt suffocated.  

That's it for now, not sure if I will do another post when I get home or not; will do one tomorrow either way.  

Wednesday

 Ron's death affected me in unusual ways.  My hand tremor got worse, and so did my traffic anxiety.  I have a terrible time walking by busy streets, crossing busy streets, etc.  One example I have not wanted to cross the busy street outside of my Walmart to take the bus home, I took the bus in front of the store around in a loop that took about 2 hours.  

Today I had a 4 hour shift so I figured I would give it a shot, crossing the busy street.  When he was here Dad walked me over to it, pushed the button, showed me it didn't look so awful and a nice long time to cross.  That really helped.  

I took Jack to work because I would have encountered rush hour traffic with NO light or crosswalk,  outside the subdivision, and I'm not up for that.  And for now they only have me working every other Wednesday.  I can manage the ride to work.  

I went to work, was pretty depressed but they kept me pretty busy as they do.  I would hate to see me without a job I know April was a really horrible month for that.  Sometimes I get flack from customers or stressed but it is a lot better than sitting at home brooding.  

I also got paid today which was good.  I got a little more than I anticipated so that was nice.  After work I started getting anxious again; I prayed about it and asked God to help, and He did.  I got across the street OK and can definitely do it again.  All the cars stayed where they should; at some crosswalks they are permitted to turn in front of the pedestrian,  etc. and that can be very disconcerting.  Not this one.  

There have been some fatal accidents with jaywalkers, etc. in front of the store so my belief the authorities wanted me to have as safe a crossing as possible.  That way when the next person runs in front of a big rig trying to catch the bus they can say "We did what we could".  

As it is I see crossing a busy street and flash back to Ron in the hospital after the accident.  The 20 years of hellish daily pain he had afterward.  It's worse since his death.  I used to be pretty blase about it but not the last 6 months.  

But I did that, can face the thought of doing that again.  I bought myself some dinner once I got across (takeout) with one of my gift cards.  It was about 2 hours home on the bus including my walk from the bus stop and the waiting on connections.  But I saved the money I would have spent on a ride.  

Now I plan to take a ride home on Monday just because that is the end of my work week.  But I won't need to buy a ride home Saturday and Sunday.  Just tomorrow and Friday.  I can do that.  

But I am exhausted.  It was handy how God set up my schedule so I had a short day today and could try the route before I came up on the weekend.  I don't get much sleep Friday night so will be tired Saturday, that led me to avoid trying the bus home a few weeks.  But now I can do it.  

This may seen ridiculous to you but it is a part of my life.  I have huge anxiety with this if I let it.  I am just glad I can still function.  

And I am TIRED so I am going to bed early tonight.  I had a big salad with my dinner tonight so my nutrition is good.   That's it for now.  

Tuesday

 I chatted online a little bit with a guy I know, a medical professional, and he said there was no way Ron could have survived the heart damage.  That it is appropriate to call it a "heart attack".  And Ron's heart was a mess.  I am really thinking it is a surprise he made it the 18 years after the accident.  

But I am glad I had it even with the bad times.  I remember this image: 

That's who I remember.  Not the belligerent drunk.  Ron and his beloved "necktie".  She is sitting by me right now waiting for treats, which she will get.  

So pretty depressed today of course.  I will just have to waddle through all this grief and eventually come out a better person at the end of it.  I have noticed other widows are very sympathetic to me.  They get it.  

I also need to figure out dinner.  I didn't eat much today.  

That's it for now.  

Monday

 I am doing a little better; I had a good look at my hair and decided I was OK without a shower today, got dressed in an oversized pink t shirt and camo leggings, with a fanny pack.  My aunt is running a little late but I'll take what I get; she said she had a phone call I hope it didn't involve Ron, or is only good news if it did.  

It didn't involve me but she did say she is getting mail related to probate.  We went to IKEA that was fun.  I am pretty certain I am going to get a comfortable chair and footstool for napping and not a twin bed as I had planned.  We never had anyone stay the night in 17 years.  I sure won't have overnight guests now.  Not until/if I remarry and then he will be in my bed.  

So I found a chair I like, let me see if I can pull it up.  Here it is:  Pello chair  I told my parents about it they want to buy it for me, for Christmas.  That will give me time to fix up the room.  I don't want Carlos tripping over a bunch of crap in there.  

Which reminds me I need to take the bedframe out and put it back in the garage.  I can put stuff in the room when it's done.  

I am thinking turquoise with the dark floors as in the other rooms; black accents.  White baseboard and door.  That should be nice and refreshing.  I have found I am much like a parrot in I prefer bright colors.  I like red in the kitchen (with white), turquoise and orange in the front room, orange in the orange room, vivid purple in my bedroom and a lavender in the bathroom.  Can't forget the aqua in the laundry room.  

When I paint the house it will be a nice medium gray but the inside!  I figure I might as well have fun with it.  When I was a little girl I had a bright yellow room with yellow and orange shag carpet.  The kitchen was a bright orange as well until my Dad remarried, then she painted it bright yellow.  So I come by my love of color honestly.  

After that we went to my favorite taqueria for lunch.  I had gotten some really nice string bags that are perfect for the candy.  I like them because I can reach into my tote bag and feel it, then take out the candy.  If I have it in a Walmart bag I have other things in similar bags so sometimes I fumble a bit, and I want to hand the candy over quickly so I don't delay the driver.  So this is nice just reach for the string bag (in my larger bag), pull out a candy and boom.  I also got some pillows for the couch, and a feather pillow for the cats.  

After that we went to my bank.  I had to do some math for that; I paid $1720 for flood insurance out of checking.  I needed to pay that back out of savings.  But I also have to put $250 into savings on Wednesday so I subtracted the $250 from the $1720 and put that into checking.  I had a check from my sister so I cashed that.  And I also took out a little cash for lunch money and incidentals.  

THEN Walmart I needed more candy.  I always need more individually wrapped candy.  I got Payday, Peanut M&M, hard candy (butterscotch, mints, stuff like that), and a bag of "Candy Carnival" it is a pretty good mix.  I got some vegetables.  I forgot my discount card so I paid full price and didn't get a whole lot as a result.  

We came home, I put my stuff away, she left.  I got horribly depressed and laid down for a while.  

I bought a toy stuffed dog (no bears, no cats in the toy section just the dog so I got that) after Ron's accident and have slept with it pretty much every night since (unless I had Ron with me).  I took it off the bed a few weeks ago when I changed the linens and lost it.  So today I bought a toy stuffed cat at the IKEA.  I found the dog today, it was in my closet under something that had gotten knocked over by the cats.  So now I have a cat and a dog.  I am OK with that.  

I checked the mail and found a very nice card with gift cards!  I was very happy to see it and read an encouraging message.  I have been told I am an encourager but I need it back sometimes, and I got that.  I plan to use the one card on Wednesday after work and get my dinner.  I also got junk mail with Ron's name on it and a newsletter from my state senator.  He had a very good run down of the various propositions on the ballot including one to allow a designated care giver into nursing homes even during pandemics, which I think is really important.  So many people could not help their loved ones during this and that is awful.  If someone like Ron with memory and behavior issues is used to a certain person feeding them dinner and then giving a bath it is very upsetting to get someone else, or not at all.  I suspect Ron would have been neglected had I had to place him.  I would have wanted to go in daily and care as much as I was able.  So I will be voting for that; the others didn't really stand out to me but that one of course did.  I tore that out and put that on the fridge.  

That was it for the mail.  It is supposed to rain tomorrow so I took the trash out early.  The neighbor still had room to park in front of my house.  

I also had to switch my thermostat (I have the old kind) from "Heat" to "Cold" and run the A/C a bit.  It got up to 86 today no wonder I was warm.  

The cats are good.  I took the sheets off the bed to wash, I got new sheets for my birthday and wanted to put them on the bed when it was safe.  It is, now, so I washed the new sheets, dried.  And Torbie is on the bed sleeping so I am stuck.  Worst case I can lure her off with treats, later.  

So the new sheets are turquoise and will go nicely with the vivid purple drapes I have over the closet and windows.  I will put up a photo when I get it done.  

Mood is better now I just come and go... some times I just miss Ron horribly, other times I am OK living single.  It's just an adjustment.  

Family say I am doing really well.  I would say 99% of that is my faith, the other percent the fact Ron had been declining (as you all read) for many years and I had a lot of time to process that as it happened.  

Tomorrow I plan to sit on my couch and rot my brain watching "Chicago Fire" reruns on my local channel.  They do mini marathons on Tuesday and so far I always have Tuesday off.  

That's it for now.  

Monday morning

 Pretty horribly depressed yesterday morning.  NORMAL I just lost my husband.  It has been an awful year.  I get over one terrible revelation about Ron only to fall over another.  Hopefully I am done now.  

I told my sister: "But Ron still remembered you".  He was stage 4, that was coming.  I can't help but thinking I could have been nicer to him, knowing what I do now.  Not that I was mean but I did get impatient a time or two.  But he understands.  

So I got to work and they, God love them, keep me busy enough I don't have time for pity parties.  So I pushed through and was OK at the end of it.  Had a headache, too, but got through that.  

Came home with Larry and started some laundry, arranged with Larry to pick me up Wednesday morning because I am not running across the busy street during rush hour.  NO light, no crosswalk, there is a small hill on either side so they crest right as they are almost on top of me... NO.  Plus I get to sleep later if I want.  

I really do hate starting at 12 on Wednesday.  But it's almost $60 in my pocket.  My raise is effective as of last Saturday.  

Laundry is in the dryer.  I have 3 flannel and one fleece shirt in plaid, very cute.  I will wear them over a tshirt on cold days.  As I told someone at work I am unclear if the HVAC at work will work better for heat.  My area tends not to be very well cooled during the summer, it is very common for people to complain it is hot.  And I can get pretty hot I do get a mild hot flash now and then.  If it ends up being rather cool I will be OK with the flannel.  If not I can just keep wearing the t-shirt and wear the flannel as a jacket.  I didn't have much laundry so I just did one load with everything.  

I took a nap, Cleo joined me.  She is really a very nice little cat.  She loves to wrestle with her brother I am glad I kept them together.  I got up and paid the flood insurance.  Ouch.  $1700 but I had been saving since May.  I printed all my confirmations.  It was easier to pay than the regular insurance.  I will of course feel 100% when I get the new policy.  

I did opt for the higher coverage policy.  If I need it I will be glad I paid the extra $40 and generally I do.  Ron called it "blood insurance".  They didn't (I don't think, my aunt did it) have a hard time switching it over to me only.  

I have today off, slept late (7:30) and my aunt is coming.  We will mainly run to the bank and Walmart.  I don't even need that much at Walmart.  I told her it didn't matter which Walmart.  I am near 2.  

That's it for now, I need to take my shower.  

Sunday morning

 The headache mostly faded off during the night but I was really depressed.  I am up now and functional.  I am kind of cold so I turned the thermostat to heat.  I don't think I will need the A/C again for a while.   

My boss caught me standing around during a low period and (one of the bosses) and made it her personal mission to keep me as busy as possible.  Sometimes it's quiet!  It will be interesting to see if she is there today.  It's only a 4 hour day so not taxing.  

I plan to take the bus home.  Dad took me over to the light and we had a look at it, it seems safe to cross even though it is a very busy street.  Hopefully I can call him tonight and let him know I did it.  

The cats are good.  I know Cleo slept with me and I think Biscuit as well.  They are both partly white and I get a lot of white cat hair in the bed.  

I ran the numbers with my raise I will be bringing home a lot more money which is good.  It will be nice to pay for a ride now and then if the weather is bad or whatever.  My next pay will be pretty small because I took the one week off without pay.  

I also plan to pay the flood insurance tonight or tomorrow.  

That's it for now.  

Saturday

 So the visit went pretty well and they are back home now.  

I have had a migraine most of the day today; had to work, too.  Not fun.  Still coming to terms with Ron having Alzheimer's.  

Pretty sad I can type that out now without triggering the spell check, like I did at first.  

Today was OK

 My family picked me up, we went to Galveston and found where I put Ron.  I had meant to stop by Spec's liquor and buy a tiny bottle of alcohol and pour it out on his grave, but I forgot and it didn't seem worth going back.  

Mom took some photos.  

That's pretty much where I put him.  Behind me is a lake.  So Ron overlooks a lake with the ocean on the other side (lake to my left, ocean to my right).  Mosquitos were again notable but we brought the bug spray.  

We went to lunch at Miller's.  They are a good spot the locals favor.  Then we went home.  Transit time was a while both ways.  

We went to their house and then hung out for a while.  My aunt took me home around 8 PM.  While at her house, I talked about Ron a lot with my family.  They were nice about listening.  

When I got online I found another person I knew had died of COVID.  This guy got a new heart several years ago and couldn't shake the virus due to his immune suppressant drugs.  So that makes 2 guys (interestingly enough both men) in a week I knew who died of the virus.  

I am 2 weeks out from my last vaccine so I am as protected as possible.  I need to get a little better about hand washing but at least I have had my shots.  

I am going to bed early that's it for now.  

Here's the letter I wrote the coroner

 

It was a huge shock to me when I found my husband dead when I returned from running an errand. It was completely unexpected even though he had health problems. I really hoped an autopsy would provide some answers.

Thank you for performing such a detailed examination of my husband (Ron XXX, deceased March 6, 2021). You provided the answers I needed. You also explained why he had been declining the last few years, memory issues and difficulty with some tasks. He was terrified to get answers and based on what I read he was right! The report explained so much.

Ron was a man of faith, his favorite Bible verse was Revelation 21:4 “And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”

5Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.”

Ron is in his perfect body with no pain (he had severe pain due to his ongoing back issues and post accident arthritis), no seizures (hell for us both), no immobility, perfect body, perfect mind, and perfect peace with Jesus.

I am enclosing a Scripture booklet. I hand these out in bags of candy, if COVID regulations permit one day I would like to bring the facility a case of Snicker's bars. But for now I can give you this. I hope it brings you the peace I have found in my faith since losing Ron.

Thank you again for giving me the answers I needed. I have a lot more peace about “why” he had to go when he did, now.

Sincerely,

Anniversary

 I didn't sleep well, got up early, did my Bible study, took a headache pill, went back to bed.  Biscuit curled up with me for about an hour.  I got up, took a shower.  Biscuit came and hung out in the bathroom while I did.  He has been particularly sweet today.  

I keep listening to "Don't let me down" by the Chainsmokers and thinking about how I found him dead, just like that.  Yes, he had Alzheimer's and it's a good thing he went when he did, but it was a huge blow to me and broke my heart.  And that is OK to acknowledge.  

After I finish the blog I will work on the letter to the medical examiner who worked on Ron.  I do want to get that out to him.  I will put up the text here so you can read it.  

My family is coming in about an hour.  I think all the treats with Grandma have created a monster in Torbie, she is demanding treats from me non stop now.  😂  I cleaned another handful of dead hair off Baby Girl, she has been eating a lot of treats this week so I am not going to worry about it but next week back on the good food, very few treats.  Give that a few weeks and see how she looks, then take her to the vet if I'm not happy.  It is not normal for cats' fur to get the way hers has gotten.  

I'm going to go I will let you know how today went when I get back.  

The rest of Wednesday

 So I have been having a pretty good time with my family, alternating with depression and sorrow over Ron.  I feel so bad for him that he had Alzheimer's.  What a terrible condition and how awful for a man who prided himself on his mind.  But he went quick and that's what he would want.  

Not only did the coroner review the brain, samples were sent to a renowned neuropathologist, who confirmed the diagnosis.  So I feel pretty secure in the diagnosis, it certainly matches his symptoms.  Based on what I have read I think he was stage 4.  I asked God for accurate results on the autopsy and I feel I got them.  

But it has been nice to spend time with my family; we celebrated my birthday this week, I got some sheets, a very nice foot bath, etc.  Dad took us all out to eat at a steakhouse tonight.  I had a whole pound of sirloin, it was tasty, and a giant piece of pecan pie for dessert.  The cats are getting more comfortable with grandma.  Torbie and Baby Girl are my standby friendly cats.  But Biscuit is considering her.  I also ate some delicious brisket (not on the same night!) at my aunt's house.  

Tomorrow we go to Galveston and show Mom and my uncle where we put Ron.  Then lunch at a good restaurant the locals favor.  It is always nice to go to the beach and it should be quiet.  It will be good to be busy on my anniversary as it would have been (officially) 29 years.  Unofficially we did make it to 29, just, before he died.  I imagine next year will be hard that would have been 30.  

I am debating taking off March 6 next year.  On the one hand better to stay busy at work, and I can count on staying busy.  On the other hand maybe some time at home to think, read my Bible and pray.  I'm not sure I have half a year to decide.  

This morning Dad and Mom took me to Sam's Club.  Ron had $121 in rewards.  I wanted some pinata mix for the candy I hand out with scripture booklets.  I got 4 bags of that (20 pounds), seven and a half pounds of Brach's kiddie mix, and 2 flannel shirts.  I tried on the 2 XL but Mom said it was way too big on me, so I tried the XL and she was much happier.  I still had room in it and it buttoned fine so I got one in purple plaid and one in a blue and white plaid.  Dad likes Sketchers I found a pair in his size that Mom said he would like, so I got that too (early birthday for Dad).  They fit him great and he likes them.  

When I went to check out it asked if I wanted to pay with the rewards, I said yes and it did it.  So it was all free!  Sweet!  

We went home and put it away, had an early dinner, hung out at my aunt's house for a while.  Mom likes spending time with the cats.  I have told her they can have as many treats as they want.  So the older girls (Torbie and Baby Girl) like her just fine.  Biscuit is thinking about her, and Spotty and Cleo are a no-go.  But she has the brown girls so she is happy.  Baby Girl even got up on her hind legs and put her paws on "grandma's" leg when she slacked with the treats.  I am happy she gets some time with the cats and I think it is a good idea to expose the cats to other people.  

So I am doing OK overall I am just mainly sad for Ron.  Alzheimer's is a terrible disease for the patient.  It is awful for the caregiver, too, but very hard for the person with the illness because they feel themselves slipping away.  And Ron had that, I could tell he worried.  I remember one time he woke me up almost crying because he couldn't remember a place he had lived in CA.  Or the time he had a mental break during the house re pipe and I had to call 911 because he was freaking out and screaming.  I naively attributed things like that to the head injury and/or the drinking.  

We didn't know.  It would have killed Ron to know he had that.  Better to go the way he did.  This way, God's way, I got to keep the house and the cats, I lost the business but got another job I do well at a place that has been understanding.  Ron did not linger for years in some hell hole Medicaid nursing home; he went quick in his own bed, likely with his cat.  He didn't suffer.  God provided for me financially and emotionally.  I miss Ron terribly, I miss being married.  I had a very hard time at work, passing the Men's department, seeing women shopping for their husbands and knowing I would not be doing that any more.  But I am better now.  

I am not great but I am doing OK.  Why?  Because I have my faith in God to provide.  God has carried me through everything in my life, and parts of my life have been very hard.  But He got me through that; He will get me through all of it if I let Him.  

That's it for now.  

Wednesday morning

 I had a hard night as I expected.  I keep thinking back over the last few years and checking boxes.  

I do plan to write a letter to the medical examiner thanking him for the autopsy, being so thorough, and getting me answers.  He sent off samples of Ron's brain to an expert for analysis.  And it came back Alzheimer's.  I will also enclose a scripture booklet because I don't like to miss a chance.  What the doctor does with it is up to him but I at least sent it.  

I am sure my aunt will help me with that.  

I just feel so sad for Ron the last couple years must have been hell.  I am so glad he died when he did because he would have ended up in a facility, blind, scared, it would have been hell for him.  No cats, they probably wouldn't let me visit much, etc.  But he avoided all that.  

The caregiver group had a lot of Alzheimer's caregivers and it was extraordinarily difficult for them.  A lot of despair, anger, and pain.  You know it is going to end in a protracted, miserable, death.  Nothing you can do...I was spared a lot of it.  

I do feel bad yelling at Ron a week before he died.  He kept waking me up at night (it is called "Sundowning" as it generally starts at sun down, very bad behavior in dementia and alzheimer's patients) and I snapped at him, told him I couldn't take care of him at home if he wouldn't let me sleep!  But at the time I thought it was a drunk thing and not a brain thing.   

But I did take care of him, at home, until the end.  My hands are clean and I can live with myself.  

Big News

 When Ron died I wondered "Why?"   He was the breadwinner, my best friend, my boss, his death turned my life upside down.  

Today I got the autopsy report and found out he had Alzheimer's.  I'll say what I said the instant I found out: "Holy crap!".  

It explains so much he had so many deficits the last few years, couldn't count any more, "sundowning" at night, couldn't operate TV remote or computer any more, could barely operate his cell phone.  We were both in denial, I figured a lot of it was due to the drinking.  

By the way his blood alcohol level was .12.  So he was pretty drunk when he died.  They got most of the details right except they had me finding him in the hall, not his bed.  They also had his time of death at 1:59 PM so they did work on him for half an hour before I called them off.  

But, DAMN.  It's going to take a while to process.  

Oh and he was obese at 213.  I knew he had gained weight but not that much!  

I will talk more about the rest of today, tomorrow.  

The rest of Monday and Tuesday morning

 I got the house cleaned, took a nap, felt a little better.  My aunt called me "Problems with the airplane" I'm thinking it crashed.  But literal problem with the airplane found while on ground and repaired, but it took a long while.  So they were late but got here OK.  My aunt and uncle picked me up, we got dinner, and sat in the cell phone lot watching planes take off and land until we got texted to come get them.  We did.  

They had 2 big rolling luggage things I was surprised.  We went to my house and Mom met Torbie and Baby Girl, saw Biscuit who played hard to pet.  She also saw Spotty but he just kind of ran by.  Dad stayed outside he is not a fan of cats.  But the house looked good and I had a plug in so it smelled nice too but not overpowering.  

They left, I went to bed.  I had worn a knee length tshirt dress in army green over a pair of camo leggings.  I liked it very modest but cute.  The other ladies seemed to like it too.  Mom kept talking about the leggings I will have to show her them at work.  

What size is she?  I think a 7?  My aunt is a similar size but would not wear leggings.  But at $4.44 Mom can afford to get a pair if she'd like.  Might be good for winter.  

I will share what I find to be an embarrassing secret.  Ron, when we lived in CA, used to dumpster dive in our apartment dumpster.  One time he found a whole bag full of leggings.  He took them home, had me wash them, and wore them as long underwear under his dress pants to work in San Francisco.  He loved them.  

He did not dumpster dive when we got to Texas because we have things in the dumpster.  But if he had been sighted I think he might have been a hoarder.  I sure cleaned a lot of crap out of his room when he died!  I was glad I kept the drawer full of electronic components, adapter cords and such because I did need one to hook up speakers to my television when I set that up a few weeks ago.  It was only then I discovered my TV has a DVD player in it.  Shows how observant I am, and I have had the TV for years.  According to my Facebook I have had this monitor for about 6 years and it is very good, OLED I am glad I got it.  

So I liked having the leggings and will probably wear them again.  At $4 a pair I can do that even as I lose weight, and I imagine the leggings will be good for a couple sizes down before I have to get new ones.  I have decided I have enough pants for now, 2 leggings, a pair of jeggings, and 5 pair jeans.  I wear my work jeans a couple days in a row if I can, so that is plenty for now.  As I size down I can buy a pair each of the skinny cut and the bootcut $9 jeans, a $12 pair of jeggings, and maybe one $20 pair of Women's jeans (in whatever size).  So I can afford to maintain my wardrobe as I lose weight.  Helps I get it all at my discount.  I can't wear leggings at work but can wear the jeggings.  

Today I plan to wear the camo print (so big this year!) jeggings with a black tshirt over the top.  Dad wants to see the route I take to work, we will do that.  I am unclear if he wants to walk to the bus stop as he has said a few times, or will be happy riding in the car.  Then follow the bus routes to work, look around, do my shop, drive home with my stuff.  Then run by the taqueria and get lunch, then Foodtown and get some more fried lemon pies, which my Walmart does NOT carry any more!  The fried lemon pies are a real game changer for me with the headaches.  I don't pretend to understand but they are as good as an excedrin and they don't make me jumpy.  I am glad I gave it a shot.  

I ran out of soda yesterday so I made a protein shake with some brewed coffee.  I used 2 T regular coffee and 2 T decaf, put 12 ounces of water in the coffee pot, brewed that, let it cool.  Added a few ice cubes to be sure, then put 12 ounces soy milk and a scoop of hemp protein powder in the blender with a few ice cubes.  Whipped it all up and had a pretty decent shake.  I also put 2 sweet and low packets too.  I got my protein and caffeine all at once.  

I need to take my shower, it takes a while for my hair to dry.  Get dressed.  Then my God Time, get that done.  Then I'll be ready to go.  

That's it for now.  

Monday morning blog

 I did a video blog.  A lot about depression and the cats.  

You do see some of Torbie's tail and may hear Baby Girl meowing I will have to see.  

Just basically having a hard day; I decided to be real and show it.  Grief is hard and affects everyone differently.  I don't get weepy but I do get hideous depressions.  I am functional thanks to my faith and medication (in that order) but it is still a battle.  

But I don't want to do any brave overcomer crap.  It is what it is, I just have to deal with it.  Love hard, loss hard.  I loved Ron a lot.  

I was thinking the other day how much I miss kissing him on the head.  Holding his hand.  Things like that.  But not looking for another guy; I have Biscuit and Spotty for that.  

I do miss Ron a lot.  I miss the good times we had and just quietly spending time together.  I didn't mind, usually, even taking care of him because he was so appreciative about what I did do.  

What I don't miss, the bad old days of him drinking and verbal abuse.  I don't miss worrying he would fall out of bed and break a hip, worrying something would happen to him that would blow back on me.  I don't miss the financial struggles with the business.  

Oh I got the new flood insurance, my aunt took Ron off the policy.  It stayed the same so that's good.  

Let me see how the video is doing.  

There it is.  

Yes there is meowing around 5 minutes or so.  

Sunday

 Happily an uneventful trip to work, work was fine, happy to leave.  I took a cab home.  I got home and laid down for a while but couldn't nap, got up and did some cleaning and organizing.  I did the couches and the kitchen table, I need to clean up the bear (taxidermy bear, the one that freaked out the Firemen the day Ron died) a little, sweep, and mop.  But I'm happy with what I did so far.  

I was able to find the new underwear I wanted size and color.  Very happy about that.  I am still having my cycle so will wait to enjoy the new stuff.  

I have an orange tablecloth so I put a purple hand towel down and arranged my (mostly orange) gourds on it, I like it.  I also put a couple of gourds up near Ron's urn.  Someone I know does very elaborate graveyard displays for their loved one.  I don't want to do that but a couple of gourds are fine.  They look good with the urn, I will take a photo tomorrow.  

I did laundry and that is mostly done.  My parents will come by tomorrow night, likely with my aunt and uncle (which is fine).  I need to figure out which outfit I will wear, a nice problem to have.  

That's it for now, I just wanted a quick update for you.  

Sunday Morning

 Well I lost an inch off my hips overnight.  Suddenly all my underwear is very baggy.  I have a smaller size if that works this morning I will get some more at work.  Nice that I have my discount.  If the "new" stuff fits OK I will bag up my "old" stuff and put it in the garage with all the 3x and 24W clothes.  I don't plan on needing it again but you never know.  I had planned to do laundry today anyway.  

I told my boss I could work late today if needed, we will see what happens today.  I would rather work the 4 hour shift I am scheduled, of course, but I average about $10 an hour after taxes (until my raise coming up) so that's $40 extra if I do work late.  I have decided I will pay for a ride home.  I am already tired having just gotten up.  

I was thinking about the guy who died and his wife.  I would call her if I felt she would be consoled but she didn't like me much.  An example: she ran into us at a Walmart, took one look at Ron, looked me in the eye, and said "You need to clean him up".  I didn't think that was appropriate.  I didn't say anything back but she went home to her husband and told him I "let Ron look pretty rough".  His hair and beard weren't trimmed but he looked OK.  Not supermodel great but certainly acceptable, our supervisors and the other vendor's wife never had a word to say about Ron's appearance.  So I don't think she would appreciate a phone call.  

Ron was quite offended at the comment and made a remark to Greg who blew it off.  

It is a shame though I really liked Greg - he had a very outgoing personality that reminded me a lot of Ron.  The two of them together were great.  Ron called him "The Mouth of the South" for some reason.  Ron often came up with interesting names.  

I need to take my shower will be back.   

So she doesn't want to hear from me.  And what can I say?  "I hope he had life insurance?"  they had several children so I hope he had it, and it pays off.  I am unclear on his salvation status as well generally the born agains trumpet it to the skies and I don't see that looking him up online.  

I will say it was nice ONE person from the program called me and offered to bring me groceries, she was very kind and I appreciated it after Ron died.  So I would call her if she didn't already dislike me.  

I am really glad I did not do a funeral.  The cremation was tastefully done and I got a great urn.  It fits right in.  I like it a lot.  I did the slide show for people who wanted to reminisce.  I look at it sometimes.  

Getting ready to go to work now, the ever present "How will it be running across the busy street?" question.  It should be OK my recollection it is fine on Sundays.  I leave early enough no one wants to be out.  

The "new" underwear fit well and aren't digging into me so I will get more at work.  I had 2 packages of this size in the garage for this happy day.  I won't need much to complete my stash.  I just had some water weight on me that came off when I started my cycle.  Now that's off I am a size 10 for underwear now.  I can retire the 11's they did a good job got me from almost 250 down to 215.  So the new ones should last equally long I would figure.  And I get them on my discount if I can find something cute in my size.  We will see.  

After today I have the week off, looking forward to that.  Today and tomorrow morning will be cleaning and such.  Dad and Mom come into town tomorrow afternoon.  

God love them they called me at 9:30 my time last night after I was long in bed.  I go to bed pretty early most nights (except Thursday and Friday when I work late) so I can get a good amount of sleep.  Adequate sleep is really important for both weight loss and immunity both issues I want.  

I need to go.  I will post again after I get home.  I may take a nap first.  

Saturday

 First up one of the blind vendors in the Houston program died of COVID.  We knew the man well; I didn't hear from him after Ron died but Ron always liked him and he seemed nice.  That's 2 dead vendors (different causes) in 6 months.  I hope he used Ron's death as an opportunity to make sure his family would be covered because you just don't know.  Greg was a slim man, very healthy and active.  Ron was of course a train wreck but Greg was not which is one reason I am so shocked.  

Friday night went fine at work.  I had some excitement this morning.  I wait at a bus stop in front of a vacant lot.  Today the tenant (he leases the lot) had a large container delivered which was rather alarming for me, the big truck whizzing by me, turning around DON'T HIT ME I'm thinking, but he got the thing dropped off OK and I got to work early, even.  

My boss saw me shopping (I decided to buy the $4 camo leggings in my size) and told me I could clock in early "if I wanted".  I ate my snack and did just that.  Work was pretty uneventful.  I was tired.  I did not want to fool with traffic.  

A little backstory on that.  There are a couple of ways to get home from work, the 2 bus route method (untried) and the 3 bus route method.  The last time I took the 3 buses she took a detour and I had to get off in the middle of nowhere and call a cab, the whole time I'm waiting I was kicking myself I should have just called the cab from the start.  The 2 route method looks better but it involves crossing a VERY busy street (with a pedestrian crosswalk, so it "should" be fine) which of course gives me the vapors.  I was doing OK with traffic but anxiety is an issue at times since Ron died.  

I tell myself anxiety is insulting to God saying He can't handle things for me.  And I think that's true.  But I still worry some.  It is just part of my grief process, I never cry but I can work up a good anxiety over things if I let it... everyone is different.  

No I don't want anxiety pills they are addictive.  Caffeine is bad enough (and I do moderate that).  So I didn't take the bus home I called the cab.  I made enough money with the overtime to cover it.  

I honestly don't know if I will take the bus tomorrow or not.  We'll see.  

I did get a really good nap when I got home.  I woke up with a headache so I took something.  

Female stuff here you can skip to the ** if you don't want to read it.  Generally when I have a cycle I have a heavy flow.  That has been interesting at work at times because I don't always have easy access to a bathroom.  But I am figuring it out.  

This cycle it has been very light so far.  I keep expecting the SURPRISE but nothing yet.  And it has been a few days.  So maybe this is it and they will all be like this now (which would be AWESOME) or it is just a fluke, or, my fear, the heaviness is waiting until I am on my feet in the middle of helping a customer and here it comes!  I don't know, I will see.  

God forbid the store does sell clothes 😂 if I needed it.  **

The cats are good.  I feed Baby Girl the Blue Wilderness Chicken when I get home from work, she looks for it and starts meowing excitedly when she sees the bowl in my hand.  After she's done Torbie has a few bites and then Biscuit tries but I don't let him.  The food has fish in it that's a no for a FLUTD cat.  

I did a load of laundry (including my new leggings) and just waiting for it to finish drying before I go to bed.  I feel like today took a lot out of me mentally even though I didn't do a lot of physical labor.  

That's it for now.  

Friday morning

 Well my special woman's time has arrived.  Complete with headache.  I ate a lemon pie that should help.  But I can't complain, everything I hear women in full menopause have terrible times with weight gain and I am actively losing.  I had better lose it all while I can!  

The cats are good.  Baby Girl remains matted but lets me clear it.  I am going to buy a furminator.  I hear good things about them, continue feeding the good cat food, and then take her to the vet if that doesn't help.  I just want her comfortable.  And I'm just not seeing her groom herself.  Could be she does it when I'm at work but I don't think so.  She does lie near me when I am on the computer and is still actively interested in getting T R E A T S.  She will beg for them, sit up like a dog, etc.  She meows normally.   Meets me at the door when I come home. Uses her box.  I see her eating and drinking, not losing any weight.  Just the fur.  

It will probably cost me a bit to find out her problem but I suspect it is depression; I know when I am depressed I have a terrible time getting into the shower.  I do it but it feels hard.  So we will see.  I may need to get her an antidepressant and I am OK with that because guess what, I take one too.  

I would be a hypocrite to say they work for one species and not another.  

Yesterday I had a hard time crossing the street getting to my bus stop so I will leave the house a little early today.  I don't want to go through that again.  I really detest crossing busy streets it is right up there with getting stung by a wasp or cleaning a backed up toilet.  

It is a good thing I leave early as I got to work less than an hour before starting work.  I barely had time to put my stuff away before I had to clock in.  I wasn't happy about it.  Hopefully today works better.  ALSO both "later" drivers were not at all interested in the candy with Scripture booklet.  

And I had to see the very sad sight of a 20 year old very skimpily dressed woman flirting with a married bus driver, who let her ask questions like "Does your wife satisfy you in bed?"  What?  I would have said "I'm here to work not answer personal questions.  I am happily married and that is all you need to know".  But she kept pushing and he kept answering.  He was 58 years old.  That's not going to end well.  

At any rate I need to go.  Take care!  

Oh, I got the card!  Thank you very much!  I plan to use the one for my lunch today at work.  

Tuesday. And Wednesday morning

 Tuesday was pretty quiet, I can say now the storm was a non event.  Years ago a tropical storm came in.  I told Ron it was "dull and boring" as I walked home from the bus stop (I was on my handheld ham radio).  It evolved, a few days later, into an epic flood that stranded us and we had to walk 12 miles out down an elevated freeway.  Back when he could walk.  

So I kept my mouth shut.  I slept pretty well last night and tried on some of my new jeans.  These are the bootcut junior fit black ones.  $9 at Walmart not counting my discount.  Just around the house they are comfortable so I am happy.  

My timeclock app booted me, it does periodically, and I had to log in again yesterday but God made the process pretty painless.  I tend to get anxious and then my hands shake which makes it nearly impossible but God got me through it again.  So I should have an easy time logging in and out the next couple days until next week, which I have off.  That's a load off.  

There are so many things in my life, transportation, the app, just work in general I have to say Jesus hold me up I can't do this on my own.  That has been the big revelation this year.  How little I can do "on my own".  That's the primary lesson I learned from Ron's death; also learned how God will use anyone to aid me if that is His will.  

I am happy with the jeans.  Not great pockets but holds my phone and keys.  They are comfortable and fit well.  

My cycle is whack these days so God knows when that will start.  When I do I should lose some water weight and go into a "better weight loss" phase for a few weeks so that will be good.  But I didn't have a cycle for some months pretty much all summer and I was still losing.  It is nice to lose some weight and have things fit now.  

I was worried I would gain and become huge out of Ron's death so I tried to be careful what I ate.  

My old work facility gave me a pretty good slap yesterday.  They had a memorial page for employees who had died, Facebook showed it to me.  I liked the page and then sent them a message basically saying "Here's Ron" and they said it was only for people who worked at the facility.  Ron worked there for 20 years what do you call that?  But I realized it was the whole clan thing "Postal Workers Only".  But I was pretty upset for a while.  

The Blind vendors did very little for me because, I think, Ron had made a comment about 20 years ago.  Another local vendor had lost a child.  The two blind adults took out 7 small kids the oldest was about 10, one got away and drowned.  Ron said "They should have had better supervision for the children.  What blind couple goes camping with 7 sighted kids and no supervision?"  The other vendors were extremely upset by that.  But that was just Ron he spoke his mind.  I agreed with Ron if you are both blind and have several small children you need at least one sighted adult to help.  Someone from the blind vendors did sit with me at the hospital the first day after Ron's accident but that was about it.  

So Ron and I really had no clan.  Well, I had my message board gang and some old Rapture Ready friends on Facebook but that was it; but God still worked it and I got an amazing level of funding to get me through the next year or so.  

So I had to work through that.  It is really sad the whole clan mentality.  Cliques.  Can't stand them.  I try to be nice to everyone at work including the muslim women.  They are nice girls and I pray they find Jesus one day; I think Christianity is a lot "easier" for a woman than some other religions.  The Bible commands men to respect and value their wives, to cherish them, to treat other women as sisters and respect them as well.  So a good choice.  

Of course some men get that wrong.  One reason I am not in a hurry to date.  I feel a lot of conservative Christian men may be the old school dominate a woman and boss her around type.  And I don't want that; I want to be respected and valued like Ron did at the end.  

At the end, he was really good for that, he would tell me often how much he appreciated what I did for him and how I would never know how much it meant to him (to have my care and support).  He said thank you every time I helped him and didn't call me names.  I am just sorry it took him getting to the point of being completely bed bound to get there.  

Anyway I have to go drink my shake and get ready for work.  If I am missing comments I am just out of the habit for checking, that's all.  

Monday

 I am done talking about my illness in public.  A good example why: had a person in my life.  She has overcome a lot, she is also bipolar.  She got pregnant and went off her meds to ensure the baby had a good start.  Had the baby.  Was working at a nursing home and really enjoyed the work.  Decided to stay off her meds "So I can nurse the baby".  Had a rapid and marked decline, is now stripping in a bar.  I wish I were exaggerating.  It is awful.  But that is what happens off the meds!  You can't stop!  EVER!  

It would have been far better to feed the baby formula (the government is happy to pay for it) and go back on her medication to provide a stable environment.  This?  Chaos and uproar, terrible for a developing child and exactly what her own mother did to her growing up.  Just all around tragic and highly depressing.  

The tropical storm is coming and the buses are not running starting tonight.  And it isn't even slated to be that bad/big a "thing".  I storm proofed, mainly bringing in some outside chairs and also rolling up the exterior blinds.  I had totally forgotten about them I am glad I remembered to go out back.  The cats are all in.  

My aunt came over.  We went and got some death certificates.  I was the only one allowed and I had to prove I was the wife.  They can look up everything related to Ron and certainly looked up the marriage license to see his wife was named Heather.  It took a while but she did it and I have 5 copies.  I want a copy, Dad wants a copy, and one for Ron's family to cash in their "big" life insurance payout.  Thanks to Dad they didn't have to pay for a funeral so the whole payout (said to be a few thousand dollars) goes in their pocket.  I hope they do something nice with it not just pay bills.  

But his brother and sister are over 70 so who knows.  So I'm glad that is done.  I was doing OK but couples kept coming in wanting marriage licenses.  That was hard.  It is $74 by the way.  To get married.  It was a lot cheaper when Ron and I got married I think half that.  

Then we went to Walmart, I paid my gas bill (not much) and got some shapewear (not at my store).  Hopefully it does the job.  I had worn some 3x sweatpants and they kept falling off even with the drawstring, so when we got home I changed into some of my size 21 pants.  Those fit great, were very comfortable, and were "very cute" per my aunt.  And that is with no shapewear.  They would be good for work as well, they had very decent pockets.  We left, went home.  I forgot to put away the soy milk and frozen berries, but did later and am not worried I "ruined" them.  

We went to Cracker Barrel.  I had a card so I used that to pay for lunch.  It was pretty good and I have leftovers for later.  

I hung out with my aunt for a while, and she left while it was dry.  I took a nap for a little bit and then did a load of laundry with my new shapewear.  Speaking of, I think it just finished.  Yup it did.  All caught up on clothes.  

It will start raining around 6 so I will check the mail a little after 5.  Forget if I wrote this but Metro bus will stop running tonight.  Should be interesting.  

I plan to unplug my computer tonight and may leave it off tomorrow if I feel it's warranted.  I have a pretty decent surge protector but could have power outages (and "on-ages") that could fry electronics.  

Today is going to be a baggy sweatpants day

 I have decided...I had thought to wear some of my cute new pants just to see how they wear before I go to work... but today will be baggy sweatpants day.  Tomorrow I can try on the new stuff.  Wednesday I am likely taking a ride to work each way (in a car) as we may have bus route issues.

I am running my last load of clothes, some jeans and dark t-shirts, also a face mask.  Ooh I need to get dressed.  I ordered some new bras after measuring, I am down a band size.  Also all my bras are just old and worn out (I don't have a lot either).  I ordered a 2 pack of a bra that works for me, Fruit of the Loom oddly enough has been the best for me, anyway got that for $8 from Amazon.  For both.  At that price I can afford to replace them more often.  

It is funny because I always have a lot of socks and underwear, t shirts and now pants, but just never a lot of bras although of course I always wear one.  I use a wash bag for them and then hang them to dry I think it makes them live longer.  

My 3X sweatpants are baggy but still work for me as they have a drawstring.  Good that will save me buying new sweatpants (I have 2 pair) for a while.  

I made sure I had my discount card when I was filling my pockets today!  I will want that!  It is cute, I swipe it and it says "Thank You Walmart Associate!" and then takes my discount.  I think the most I have ever gotten at a time was $14.  

But they have a whole table full of really cute jeans I can wear in 2 different cuts, in a dark wash for both, for $9.  That is going to make losing weight a lot easier.  I will wear the 21's as long as I can and then size down to the 19.  But less than $20 for 2 pair, and they seem well made...that's great.  

Ron used to say he would always buy me new clothes if I lost weight.  And the funny thing I am still eating things I want I don't know how I am still losing, but I will take it.  I just eat when I'm hungry.  

Cats are good I am happy to report.  It is always nice to have them around.  That's one thing I didn't need to rush out and buy: cat stuff.  I have plenty of food and litter.  

I am going to do my God Time.  I feel like I should be listening to Him if I am asking Him for a boring tropical event here.  :)  

Sunday

 Sunday.  Pretty uneventful a guy riding to church like he does every week.  Two men on two different routes tried to strike up conversation.  I was wearing my jeans (they fit but not too tight) and an oversized tshirt (modest neckline) with my work boots so not sure of the appeal.  My hair was very frizzy, what wasn't flat and plastered to my head, so it wasn't my good looks.  Also wearing my 6 mm WEDDING RING.  I was happy when they got off the bus.  

Got to work, returned the shoes, got teased by the service desk a little.  Got to work and did all that.  Came home.  

I am feeding Baby Girl her Blue Wilderness every day when I get home from work.  She really likes it.  

I talked to my aunt, who is seeing me early tomorrow, and later my parents.  Tired and going to bed.  

Oh by the way a tropical thing comes tomorrow night/Tuesday but those are days off.  

The rest of Saturday

 I can't talk about my job because someone could find me.  OOh that sounds so intriguing.  But really it isn't.  I just don't want someone calling the store out of spite and filing a complaint, or worse yet, going to corporate.  So my job will remain a question mark.  It does keep me busy and it is something I am capable of doing.  Something I could do longer term.  

So I didn't get much sleep last night, went to work.  It was pretty uneventful at first the store doesn't really get busy until around 1 PM.  Then... whew.  It is very chaotic.  I need to remember this and get my break before 1, come to think.  Anyway I was VERY busy.  I fled out of there at 3.  

I call it escaping.  If I see someone with their vest off moving toward the exit, and they seem sociable I will sometimes ask them "Lunch, or are you escaping?"  They laugh and say "Escaping".  I have fun with the concept.  It does feel like that sometimes especially when it is very busy.  

I did buy a pair of leggings ($4), a pair of camo print jeggings with four pockets, and a pair of shoes before I started work.  The shoes did not fit but I kept my receipt, I will return them and they can pay for my ride home tomorrow.  The clothes fit great (when I got home) and are cheap enough I can buy them in a new size as I lose weight.  They were a 21, nice to be in a juniors size.  Of course I have plenty of 22's and 20's (well 4 pair jeans total in the two sizes) that all fit great right now, so I am good for months to come now.  And I have some cute options for when my family comes to visit.  

I am totally happy in casual pants and a t-shirt but Mom is a photo bug and loves to take lots of photos.  I may be vain enough, between us, to buy some sort of girdle thing to pull in my muffin top for the photos but still thinking about it.  I wouldn't wear it at work just for the visit.  THINKING about it.  

My underwear is getting baggy.  I had some smaller size I washed them and tried them on, too tight.  So I will stick with these for now.  I really don't want to buy all new underwear anyway even though they have a really cute 6 pack of black COTTON undies.  That would be perfect.  Plenty of time to get them later.  

So I called a cab and got home fast, he was right around the corner.  I wanted that after the day I had.  The way I see it: I had a hard day.  I need a drink?  No, Ron would come haunt my ass if I did that.  Some binge eating? No I want to keep losing weight.  Buy crap?  I have enough.  A quick safe and friendly ride home, and help a father support his family?  Yes.  It is my one indulgence.  He is thinking of telling the cab company to stick it as they want live feed cameras in all the cabs and he (and I) find that invasive.  Sometimes people share very personal things with their cab driver they don't want strangers watching.  For instance, sometimes I talk about Ron to the guy.  He knew Ron very well and used to help get him liquor on occasion.  If he does divorce the cab company that is fine I have his cell number and can just use that.  Most skilled drivers have a whole roster of clients who call them direct.  I can't remember the last time I called the cab company for a ride.  I just call this guy.  If he couldn't do it I would probably hail a Uber.  

So, not sorry I did that.  As I said I am helping him support his family and I feel good about that, he's a good guy.  I remember the last time Ron rode with him he almost fell it was horrible.  God really let Ron decline to the point we were both (Ron and I) ready to let Ron go.  He wasn't living.  

I texted my family I had gotten home OK, they like to hear that.  I ate some smoked salmon (I did indulge a little when I "made groceries"), it was very good.  Baby Girl was interested but did not want to eat it.  

I am giving Baby Girl the Blue Wilderness Chicken when I get home from work every day.  She really enjoys eating it, hopefully she will start looking better.  Now I have to say she looks fine to "anyone" but I know her very well and her fur is not 100%.  It looks dirty to me, and clumpy.  Some odd tufts come out now and then.  That isn't normal.  But from what I read a lot of that can be food so we will see how she does on the Blue.  I have to stand over her or Biscuit comes along and wants to munch, and it has fish in it which is a big no for him.  If she isn't better in a few weeks it is off to the vet for blood work.  She will hate that but worth it to at least know.  I mean, if she's dying I would like to know so I can prepare myself.  

Sometimes I think Torbie (age 16) is immortal as she keeps going and going.  

The other cats are fine.  

So I had a good nap but woke up with a nasty headache I attribute to the salmon.  I am in the PMS stage right now (I don't get PMS symptoms except more food sensitivity and headaches from that) so I tend to headache at almost anything.  Once I start I will be fine again.  Hopefully I will also lose a little bloat, and the pound I gained.  

I took some Excedrin and called my parents, they are good and looking forward to the visit.  When I finished that I made a shake with: soy milk, frozen berries, a banana, some protein powder (hemp), and some frozen kale.  It was pretty good.  I took my PM medication with that, and an oregano oil, as I was around a little boy who was coughing a lot today and I don't want to catch it.  

I don't plan to watch TV tonight I did get a good feel for the weather, it will be interesting Monday and Tuesday but not so bad the days I do work.  And the grass can use it, when I went out to check the mail it was pretty crunchy.  I am washing clothes because I don't like to run the washer during thunderstorms.  I hear it is bad for the "new" (mine is 5 years old) ones.  

I am really shocked I just don't cry very much.  I would have thought I'd be sobbing constantly but I just leak a little now and then during certain songs or whatever ("Shoulders" by For King and Country being one).  From what I have read that can be normal.  I do feel sad at times, depressed for months...it is a process and I suspect I did a lot of grieving the last 5 years or so before he died... I lost him slowly and fast.  I lost him slowly over years, at the end he couldn't even count!  But wouldn't see anyone!  And then I talked to him and 20 minutes later he's dead.  So fast, as well.  

He did not want to suffer in a hospital so I am OK with the way he went.  Someone did tell me she could never live in a house where someone died.  1.  I have the door shut and never go in there anyway.  2.  People die every day.  3.  He wanted to die at home and used to say that he hoped he would die at home.  So he got his wish how can I feel bad about that?  

So that has been my day.  I will probably go to bed in about half an hour but you got the majority of my spare time today.  :)  

Thursday, Friday, some of Saturday

 The last two days went fine at work.  One customer with a heavy European accent asked for yoga pants and I directed her to Activewear, she found one of my co workers and said I was "stupid and needed retraining, she meant WORK pants".  Yet she kept asking for workout pants.  Workout pants = activewear.  Yoga pants = activewear.  I chose to find it funny and did laugh about it (not around the customer).  

Some people are just looking for an excuse to go off and I don't take it personally; you can't or you will never make it in retail.  My personal favorite was the one problem child at the Post Office, bought a bottle of Coke, drank half, wanted a "refund because it is flat".  I gave her the refund and took the soda away.  She got upset.  I said "It was flat, right?  You get the soda or you get a refund." and I put it in the trash.  I was not going to pay her to drink up our inventory.  She never did it again, either.  

So work was fine, rides home were fine.  I haven't attempted the new route home yet but did find an intersection near the store with the "idiot box" pedestrian crosswalk with the little green man.  That's about as good as I'll get for that.  I just hate crossing busy streets.  I find it ironic Ron got run over but I got PTSD about it.  And no, I am not taking drugs for that.  1.  I need to be sharp out there 2.  That stuff is addictive and 3.  I take enough medication.  

I had a brutal headache yesterday but managed to work regardless.  I believe it was food related so I won't be eating Arby's any time soon.  It's a shame I like their food but not that much.  

I need to get dressed brb.   Took a minute Spotty wanted his petting.  He only wants it when I am getting dressed, he is very cute.  Does not want hugs, kisses, or picked up.  Does want lots of head and body pets.  So I obliged.  

I have all my junk for work, bus pass, etc.  I am still debating taking the bus home from work we will see.  I am tired and did not sleep well so that is a good argument against.  

At any rate I need to go.  I will post later after I get home of course.  

Wednesday

 My aunt came and we went to the Walmart, did my bill pay.  I had already given her our bank statements for her records.  

So I paid the electric (no gas bill yet?) and headed off to the apparel department.  You may have noticed they have a lot of clothes in the army green color, which I like, and I wanted a few pieces.  I saw a dress I have been eyeing, basically a t-shirt dress short sleeve goes to the knee, for $5.  I put it in the basket.  I found some "jeggings" and put them in the basket to try.  I got a hoodie in the green because I already have one in pink so I knew the sizing would work.  And it's $10 with my discount and I can wear that all winter.  

I looked at the juniors jeans table and my aunt helped me find a pair of black bootcut jeans ($9 before my discount) and we put those in the basket too.  So I went into the fitting room with the dress, a pair of jeggings, and the jeans.  The jeans and the dress were great, the jeggings were too snug in the lower leg I felt very confined in them, so I put those back.  So I fit into a size 20 dress, size 21 jeans.  Was a 24 when Ron died.  Then I went to look at cat food.  I bought a monster jar of cat treats and some more of their dry food, then food for me.  

The shakes are working very well so I got frozen kale, pineapple, berries, etc.  I got a gallon and a half of soy milk.  I got fresh bananas.  I got some TV dinners as well.  I paid, got a nice discount there, and went home and put it all away.  

We went to the taqueria for lunch.  We had a good meal as always and not expensive.  Good service, too.  The one girl had a little trouble understanding I wanted a lime wedge in my diet Coke but we got it.  Then we went to a panderia (Mexican bakery) looked around I got a slice of some yellow cake for later.  It was good but not very sweet.  That is just their style.  I also got some small apples and a few lemon pies from Foodtown.  The lemon pies are good when I am fighting a headache.  Something in them just kills the pain.  We ran to another store and then home, she left.  

I took a nap.  When I got up I made a few shakes and put them in Powerade bottles for later.  Cleaned up from that, watched "Blue Bloods" reruns on TV.  I called my parents they are doing well.  We discussed going to visit Ron in Galveston at the state park and I told Dad I had "really good" bug spray for that.  The mosquitoes really got him last time, and they were big ones.  I didn't know I put Ron right next to a lake so we had freshwater bloodsuckers right there.  Dad also liked eating at Millers so we can do that again.  It is much more affordable than Landry's.  So it was a good call.  

Then I went to bed early.  I slept OK but just sad today.  I really miss him.  Sometimes it just hits me: he is dead and had that again this morning.  I know he is alive and happy in Heaven but I miss him down here.  But there is no way I could work at Walmart and take care of him if he were alive.  At least this way I get the house which he would have wanted and a heart attack is not a bad way to go.  

Probably how I will go.  The cats are good.  I forgot to lock the door to the garage and they got it open last night, but I locked it this morning.  Hopefully I didn't get horrible things in the house from that.  I already talked to Jack on Monday about a ride home tonight so that's done.  I got some cash out of the bank so I can pay for that and work snacks.  I don't like to travel with my debit card unless I am with my aunt.  

From what I read the raise starts on Sept 25 so I have a few weeks on that.  So I would see that on Oct 13 if my calculations are correct.  I need to ask my aunt about contacting the flood insurance and taking Ron off the policy, if she has time.  That is due in early October.  

Biscuit just got in the box and peed LOTS which makes me very happy, I hated to see him blocked and miserable.  The Iams Urinary has really been good for him.  

Baby Girl looks terrible I will likely take her to the vet for a checkup but I think she is just depressed over Ron.  She has a good appetite, begs for treats, eats treats, acts pretty normal but her fur is in bad shape.  I don't think she is grooming properly.  

The other cats are all good, Spotty came out when my aunt was over and came right up to her meowing.  I thought it was very cute.  She is not so into cats but he just smelled her feet and rubbed against her ankle.  

So I will get ready for work now, that's it for now.  I don't expect a notable night at work so I will likely not post after work.  Take care.  

Tuesday and some of Wednesday

 I slept pretty well and got up around 6:30.  I did my God Time/faith walk stuff, took a shower, and did some laundry.  Today is mainly a day off, though.  

I didn't have any ill effects from the shot aside from a very mild sore arm, less so than 3 weeks ago.  But I did develop a mild headache after my nap.  I took some Tylenol as suggested by the pharmacy tech.  I feel better now.  

My usual day out running errands may be out tomorrow, if so I need to figure out how to do that.  I will just pay for a ride to Walmart and try to get it all done there.  Walmart does have pretty much everything so not worried about that.  

I would wear my mask because it pays to be careful.  And hate to say it but my employer has just about everyone walking through including overtly sick people and homeless of dubious health.  But I may be getting ahead of myself we will see.  

I have 2 people for sure, not counting Uber, who would give me a ride to work.  And it's only one trip.  That's the nice thing about Walmart I can do everything from bill pay (electric is due) to clothes shopping if so inclined.  They had some cute tshirt dresses I may bite on one of them.  

One thing I do need is more soy milk.  I have been going through that at a good clip.  I will go make a shake right now actually, take my evening pills.  

Did that.  I like putting some of the chopped frozen greens in it.  I don't taste it and getting some vitamins.  I put collagen and hemp powder into it along with the soy milk and frozen fruit and greens.  It can't hurt.  My blender works well nice to get it with my discount.  

Torbie had a grueling day.  Nap in computer chair, nap in my bed, nap on printer.  Poor abused baby.  Nice to see what they do all day when I'm gone - sleep.  

Next day.  Slept pretty well again.  I need to get going when my aunt comes, if she comes.  She is coming.  

I did up candy, some to hand out at work (no Scripture booklet) and some to hand out elsewhere (Scripture booklet).  I have to be careful at work.  

The rest of Monday

 It was an interesting day.  A massive storm system came through right before I left for work; I couldn't walk in that weather.  Not to mention the power went out so no street lights or traffic lights.  So double no way.  I called Jack and arranged a ride to work.  Worth the money.  

Got to work and had been working some time when a supervisor told me I would be getting a raise.  Walmart did this for about half a million workers, thank you very much!  

One cynical co worker thinks our hours will be cut but I doubt it.  I do what I would call essential work.  So I finished my shift and went to the pharmacy, got my second jab.  It took a while.  I was fine.  My arm doesn't even hurt.  

This time they had a dedicated vaccine lady all she was doing were vaccines.  Last time a pharmacist was splitting her time between vaccines and pharmacy.  This was much better and faster, but there was a line.  

I got the jab, got my card back, did some shopping.  Jack asked for dog food so I did that, got some ice cream for me.  I can't normally do something like ice cream unless I am with my aunt but I was getting a ride home.  And the raise can pay for another ride or two.  

I have always said my #1 indulgence when I had a lot of money was transportation.  I checked out, it was quick, used my discount for my ice cream but not the dog food as she is not my dog.  I may be overly ethical but I won't get into trouble.  

Jack brought a BBQ plate with 4 meats, potato salad, beans, homemade cake, etc.  I ate about half of it.  I will have the rest for breakfast if I feel OK.  He is a very kind man who adores his wife.  

So I put comments up again don't abuse or they will go away.  That's it.  

Saturday, Sunday, and a little bit of Monday

 Every mentally ill person in Houston is, manic, half naked, and riding the bus.  It has been challenging the last few days.  

Work has mainly been OK.  We have had some customers unhappy but not much I could do, personally, to help them.  But I had one woman scream at me how she thought I could help (even though I couldn't) so I will think about that next time.  Like telling them I am sorry they are having the problem even though I had nothing to do with it.  I think I can talk about that.  

Also a difficult co worker asking me to do her work and having a tantrum when I said I had to go to the bathroom.  She could do the work, if she wanted, she didn't have anything else to do, but she wanted to point a finger and bark orders, have me jump to do her bidding.  When I didn't she talked a lot of crap about me in my hearing, which I ignored.  Someone like that hates to be ignored.  She was not a supervisor she was an associate like myself.  So not really "allowed" to order me around.  

Next day: I didn't get enough sleep I hate that.  But I will be OK.  I am going to work on the bus, doing my shift, and then getting my shot.  After my shot I will buy Jack some dog food and call him, he will give me a ride home in exchange for the food.  Seems fair.  

I do plan to check out that intersection on my way in to work, it's not far from where I get off at the Walmart.  So, instead of walking straight to the store, I will walk up to the intersection and just have a look basically.  I don't plan to cross but I may push the button to ensure the pedestrian cross works OK.  Then use that to go home next weekend.  I believe I work a 4 day shift next week (Thursday-Sunday) which will be nice as today is day 6 in a row of working.  

But I feel pretty good just a little tired, and no headache which is always a blessing.  The cats are good.  I had a problem with Baby Girl butting her head into my hand when I was doing my health assessment for work; basically a survey of health symptoms.  Do I have a fever?  Loss of taste or smell?  That sort of thing.  If I do I imagine they don't want me clocking in.  But I am fine.  

I need to take my shower, I will do that, then my Bible study, get dressed, etc.  I will likely wear my support socks as I have a 5 hour day not counting the trip to work and standing on my feet at the bus stop.  I am NOT working late they had 3 days this week to ask.  Today is the one day I can't.  

So that's it for now I hope you have a good one.  I am considering reopening the comments I feel strong enough to deal with possible negative ones...so keep an eye out.  

Friday morning

 Well I made it through Thursday it was pretty challenging.  Some I can't talk about because it could be used to find me but I was glad to get out of there.  

Jack brought me home, I made a shake (I hate the word "smoothie") and called my parents, went to bed.  I slept OK but woke up with a headache around 3.  The shake?  I don't know.  I'm not doing a shake today, though.  

Cats are good I had all the girls giving me lovin's.  Biscuit was in my computer chair for a while, cleaning his butt.  At least he was cleaning his butt.  

Yesterday I got very hot and sweaty on the way to work so I resolved to wear a workout tshirt to work and then change into a cotton pocket t.  I don't want to be all sweaty and gross working.  It is one thing if I get hot working but never as hot as I get at the bus stop.  Not doing that.  

Tonight should be pretty uneventful.  I hope.  I just need to put Jack's money in my jeans when I finish getting dressed.  I try to leave the support socks for the last minute.  But then Spotty likes to lay on my jeans, purr, and meow at me while I'm getting dressed so I think I will do that now.  

All done ready to go.  I have 3 pair jeans right now I am debating if I need another or not.  I can only wear one at a time but I do work hard and they need to be washed... thinking on that.  

And there's Biscuit.  I got lovies from all 5 of the cats today.  I had probably better use my nasal spray.

Thursday

 Yesterday was a challenge.  8-9 it is impossible to cross the busy street near my home and that's when I needed to catch my "usual" bus that would get me to work an hour early.  You may think, "Heather, just push it a little and get there later"  I will cover that.  

So I left the house at 7:30 and even then it was pretty exciting.  I got the bus and got to the transit center.  I had decided to wait an hour at the transit center so I wouldn't be 2 hours early for a 4 hour shift.  That's just weird.  

First bus left no problem.  Second bus had an issue that took quite a while to resolve, if that had been my "getting to work" bus I would have been late.  That's why I leave early.  ALSO another bus at the transit center had a medical emergency that required calling EMS and such.  I finally caught the 9:45 that worked fine for me.  I got to work at a reasonable time, had a little time to shop, and unwind from my horrible trip to work.  

Oh, and (at the transit center) a mentally ill woman was giving me a hard time because she didn't like the way I drank my shake.  I had put it in a powerade bottle.  She was yelling at me I had a lot of nerve drinking it like that in front of her and I'm thinking "Oh boy".  I just kept drinking.  But unfortunately you do get some mentally ill riding the bus.  What do you say to that?  

One of my bosses altered my job slightly but nothing major.  I did it well and she was happy.  I left a little late due to co worker needing a break.  I had told Jack to come at 4:15 so it worked.  

I went home, it had been raining at work but had stopped.   I was happy about that, unwound a little bit, took a nap.  

Tonight is my longer night, I start in the afternoon and work until 10.  Jack says he is coming.  He did scare me yesterday he said he got a couple of day jobs and it paid so well he was hoping to do it again.  That's why he couldn't help last week and had his wife get me. I can't compete with an 8 hour shift at $25 an hour.  I will just have to pray it works out for everyone.  

They did like the chocolate, he said.  I am happy about that.  

So today I just need to get across the street and to work, make sure I have enough cash to cover Jack and a snack for me.  I will get dressed early so I can visit with Spotty who only wants lovin's when I am getting dressed.  I don't get it but do try to oblige.  I tend to get dressed (not today) at the last minute because the support socks are a hassle to don and wear.  But my legs feel better and I am vain enough to hope they will help prevent veins for as long as possible.  I have made it to my 40's without them maybe I can get another 10 years.  It doesn't matter at work because I wear long jeans but I am a little vain (ha ha) about my legs.  And it does help with endurance, to wear the socks.  So good reasons to do it.  I wear them every day now because my boss has suddenly asked me to work late generally on the weekends.  

The rest of the outfit is, as I said, long jeans (dark colored, not destroyed, my preference), sneakers, and a t-shirt wear the vest over it.  I have all sorts of stuff in my vest.  It has 2 large pockets on the front.  

So that will be my day I think.  I generally stay pretty busy.  I will be a little short on sleep tonight as I will just get the 8 hours.  Tomorrow night I only get 6 hours but that's only one night a week and OK with that, if I could drive I would have plenty of sleep.  I work long nights today and tomorrow and then 3 shorter shifts going up to Monday.  Monday I work 5 hours and then will get my vaccine.  That will be the second, hopefully I won't get sick off it like some people have.  

I know my family will feel better knowing I got the vax.  I still plan to wear my mask everywhere.  At work it is store policy although some employees pull it down.  And some women are still wearing lipstick under the mask.  I don't get that.  It rubs off and they have to clean up every time, then they put more lipstick.  

I think it is some generations you never left the house without lipstick.  They have a hard time adjusting.  

I never wear makeup.  I use a good facial cleanser (I have oily skin) and exfoliate every week or so with a special cloth but no makeup.  I did wear it on my wedding day for the pictures but that was it.  Ron sure didn't care.  And I wasn't good at doing the eye makeup.  

Anyway that's it for now don't expect one tonight.  I will probably do a blog tomorrow morning though.