Tuesday, May 17, 2016

"You have got to tone it down"

I'm sorry.  Today is going to be difficult. 

First, let me take a moment to be thankful for the good things in my life.  I have a comfortable bed, good storage underneath, a nice little home I love, I live in Houston! The best city ever!, I have good public transit, my illness is pretty well managed (per my doctor, who I am also thankful for), I have a job I excel at, even with my troubles; the depression never lasts forever, I have wonderful cats, they use their boxes and enjoy their food, I'm healthy, and I could go on forever. 

That said, today was difficult.  I drank some milk last night.  Apparently, I am now lactose intolerant, as I dealt with wracking abdominal pains for hours last night - horrible crampings, as I swore I'd eat more fiber and never consume another drop of milk again.  I didn't have any other symptoms so I am certain it was the milk. 

I finally fell asleep.  I did not sleep well and I woke up with a headache.  I took something, missed my God Time, and took a shower. 

We went to the warehouse.  I got some snack items I needed to ensure we had enough to last the next couple days. 

Like I tell Ron "They never complain when we are out of Coke" but God help us if I run out of Milky way, or Cheetos. 

While waiting, Ron launched into a bitter tirade of complaints about God.  He is very angry God is "making" him stay on earth and basically thinks if he has a big enough, long enough, tantrum God will change His plans and come back sooner. 

"It doesn't work like that" I told him.  I also told him to please watch the negative tone.  He told me to shut up. 

Today, I told him literally "I woke up with a head..."

"Be quiet!  You are too negative!" He bleated "I don't want to hear it!"  Yet, if I say the same thing he launches into tantrum/cursing/personal attack mode. 

"You can't shit in my mouth and call it pudding!" he screamed at one point. 

"What am I doing?" I asked him.  "I'm the only one who helps you." 

Our ride picked us up to go to work.  She was playing praise music and the lady in the front seat was a Christian, she wanted to get her praise on.  She and Ron got into an immediate conflict because he wanted to whine about God's timeline and "forcing him to stay on Earth" (when he's with me he will say "With all these people")

At the end of it, she scolded him for complaining and he almost got ugly with her, but I managed to restrain him.  I asked her to pray for me and she said she would. 

We got to work. 

"God is torturing me [with life on Earth]"  Ron complained.  "Don't try to shut me up.  I'm going to keep complaining until He comes back"

"So" I replied "You're just going to crap all over everyone until He takes you?"  At that point, we were at work, and he told me to go on ahead. 

This is the really frustrating thing about work.  I left him and headed to our area.  He knows how to get there.  One woman stormed up to me, all upset I have "abandoned him to walk on his own". 

"He's acting like an asshole"  I replied. 


"I told him so, and he wanted to walk by himself."  I was very upset, almost in tears.  She could see I was telling the truth. 

Ron is used to manipulating the situation so I look like "the bad guy" but, had I stayed, he would have launched into more vicious verbal attacks and very well could have hit me.  And, in his mind, it would have been "My fault' because I didn't leave him when he asked. 

He got to our area just fine, after all. 

Ugh.  I ignored him when I got to our area, setting up and getting to work on snacks, which needed some work. 

I'm sorry for all the negativity, but I swear, I would have a nervous breakdown if I didn't have you. 

Later on, when we left, he did the same thing "Go on ahead".  I warned one of the police officers to move and he got an attitude.  "He will" I told him "Run into you" (the way the man was standing assured it). 

He said something basically implying I must be having a bad day.  Yes, I told him, but he will still run into you if you don't move. 

He moved.  After I left, before Ron arrived. 

When we got to the bus stop area I told Ron I worry about him saying the wrong thing to the wrong person and getting us thrown out of the building.  "You just said [a customer] could go to hell." 

"I said that to you"  he replied.  "I can talk to you." 

"Ron" I told him "No one can take a steady diet of this, especially someone who already has problems with depression.  You have got to tone it down." 

I actually suggested he get counseling.  Personally, I think he needs AA, counseling, and antidepressants. 

He got quiet and did a lot of muttering, but at least he behaved on the way home. 

In fact, I got a neighbor driving us.  All he wanted to do was complain about the homeowner's association and how he felt everything was going to hell in the subdivision.  I wanted to tell Ron "See, how do you feel about this?  This is how people feel when you go on the way you do!" 

I was exhausted and still battling my headache.  My digestion was pretty weird and I didn't want to eat. 

I just wanted to go to bed. And Ron decided he wanted to go out on the catio.  He woke me up exiting, and he woke me up coming back in.   He left the door open because I have the only key. 

Then he made some more noise, and #6 brought in a lot of groceries and kept banging their front door, it was not a good nap. 

I woke up with a renewed headache.  I drank a cold Diet Dr Pepper and took some of my aspirin.  It appears I am almost out of aspirin.  I need to check.  I have other things I can take but I don't like to be on my last anything. 

Oh, what a day.  Thank you for listening. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Combat fatigue, honey you have cmbat fatigue. You hsve to take time off. It is not healthy to work this hard you work 10 jobs! ( exadurate, but i get tired! your husband is so much work! Please consider yourself your own employee and treat Heather like the good person and hard worker you are! Do you have a first thursday at the museum? Go knitt i a starbucks, whatever, you are a child of God as well . Ron is a dick when he is depressed but opted out of wellness. "You do you! " what a day that was! " shit and tell me is is pudding!" That was funny but so dumb to shoot it at you. When you have the energy please go play!

Good news about the van

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