Sunday, May 1, 2016

Mature language and themes

"If you want to save me money, why don't you die?" 

Yeah, it's been that kind of day.  I could share a big blow by blow but that's the gist of it.  Then he used his anger "at me" as an excuse to slam down a couple of drinks, all the while telling me it was "my fault" for provoking him. 

What did I do?  I told him, again, I would not watch the White House Press Corps dinner, even though he kept telling me I would 'Understand why he had to laugh so hard and woke me up".  He never did once apologize for that.  Not all day. 

I heard him "looking" at the toilet when I was trying to take a nap (I got a little sleep in and also a headache).  Fine.  Now he was all angry saying he couldn't fix it, I would have to do it if I were "man" enough, etc. 

It has, like, 3 step directions.  You don't disconnect the chain at the arm, you disconnect it at the bottom, by the green plastic thing.  Then you lift it up, remove the old gasket, put the new one.  I tried to tell him that but he got very angry and said he was going to have to call a plumber and "take it out of my pay".  Then a bunch of disparaging remarks about the water bill, etc, which led to the comment about me saving him money by dying. 

Oh, I was also a bitch and other things, he threw everything he could think at me.  He doesn't realize this: I am accustomed to verbal abuse, so when it starts I just shut down and put up walls.  I don't receive any of it.   I might make notes for the blog. 

Then he wants to know why I don't want to sit out on the patio with him, later.  There's a direct connection. 

He truly believes I "choose" to be fat because he "can't have sex with a fat woman".  Well, he sure did in the past.  Women who weren't me.  And me.  He can, he just uses it as an excuse to avoid intimacy.  That way, it's not his fault. 

See, before, when I weighed about 135, I was "Too skinny and didn't have any boobs".  And he "couldn't" have sex with a woman who was so "bony".  Whatever I am, it is out. 

I have given up trying to please him.  I guess I'm supposed to crave his tool so much I go run a marathon every day until I lose the medication-induced weight.  To his "appropriate" level which seems to change every day. 

Irony: he is a good 15 pounds overweight himself.  I don't say a thing. 

Doc, direct quote "There are a lot of weight gain problems with Haldol and Depakote".  But they work.  Doc said this in front of Ron, but Ron didn't want to receive it. 

Ron has a lot of personal issues of his own, but I'm bigger than him and will not mention the big one, the one that would upset everyone.  I will keep his confidence even though he doesn't deserve it.  He has said all the rest of this to me, in front of other people, so I assume it is public record now. 

It's very humiliating to be verbally abused in public.  Worse, I think, than just verbal abuse alone.  I stand there, humiliated, wondering what the people around me think and wishing, just once, someone would tell him to STFU. 

Like I said, mature language and themes in this one. 

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

You may not intend humor but i empathize so much when you mentioned " his tool" i blew my coffee on the tablet! And rolled laughing, because i know what it is like.. Heather i am glad you see this for what it is! Holy shit imagine if everything he did bugged you? He is so sick with booze he set himself up to fall and yes he used you to do it. Take goid care of yourself and do not forget if it gets bad? There are people to talk to . Hugs

Heather Knits said...

I hope the tablet is OK! Yeah, I know I can't receive any of this, it will just drag me down.

I don't want to be the bitter, miserable, negative person I see sometimes in him.

mamawowl said...

This is outright abuse. Financial and emotional. I hope you have a safety plan. I know he has substance abuse and brain injury issues, but that's no reason for you to be treated this way!

So we wait

So I slept OK except for water and bathroom trips last night.  I got up and we went to Sam's club.  I asked the manager for someone to ...