Friday, May 6, 2016

Mother's Day

My birth mother died this weekend, 14 years ago. 

Mother's Day weekend had always been a little odd for me.  I mean, what kind of woman plans a pregnancy, drinks hard liquor every day during the entire pregnancy, and then completely neglects the baby once she's born? 

A bipolar alcoholic, for one.  My mother, for sure. 

So, I had that.  Then issues with adoptive Mom, which you may or may not know about. 

That was hard enough every year.  Then my birth mother had to go and die on Mother's Day weekend.  Of a heart attack, no less. 

Actually I think it was more heart failure due to very high blood pressure.  At any rate, dead on the floor, very enlarged heart, that's it folks. 

It was very hard on my half-sister (she is 16 years older than me), who was Mom's primary enabler/rescuer.  Her whole life was wrapped up in enabling and "saving" our mother.   A third party once told me they felt my mother had ruined my sister's life. 

As a result, my sister looked for that in me.  If I did that for her, Heather will do that for me.  She used to drop heavy hints about how she would need a caregiver, then adding I was always welcome to move in with her. 

She's a hoarder!  Where would I sleep?  She's in a cult!  No thank you very much. 

At any rate, there was always some crossed communication there.  Since I was taken out of the "alcoholic" game when my mother moved out around age 3 - she lost custody due to severely neglecting me - I didn't know how to, and had no interest in, playing alcoholic games. 

Like Ron.  If he wants to drink he drinks.  I don't stop him.  He will get alcohol regardless of my approval.  He knows I hate alcohol and what it does to people.  If I am asked directly about Ron's drinking I just say I don't support it because I have been harmed by alcoholics in my life.  It is true. 

I'm not going to wrap my day around whether or not he's drinking, how much he's had, or any of that.  If he is ugly to me verbally I will shut down and not receive it. 

Happily, he has not had any blackouts in a while.  Those were the worst and I got tired of telling Ron "What you did last night" (he would ask), or going to work without him because he was unfit. 

I think his last blackout was about a year and a half ago, I remember because he hit his head and had blood on his face.  I couldn't see it the way he was laying, so when he got up and went outside he freaked out the driver (understandably).  I resolved, in the next case, to simply get myself to work and not try to "get him up" if he'd had a blackout.  Now I can do that easily with the bus restructuring. 

Anyway, I do my best to disassociate myself from his drinking, rather than have it the axis of my world.  I kick myself at times because I was so adamant, as a teenager "I will never marry an alcoholic like my father did".  And here I went and did it. 

However, at the time, Ron told me he didn't drink at all, so it was understandable.  Had I been a little more mature I would have seen his stories of old blackouts as massive red flags and not anecdotes of "lessons I've learned from my wild past". 

Enough about alcoholics - but to me, Mother's Day means unmedicated bipolar alcoholics.  That's just my world.  It means needy.  It means expectations I won't meet. 

Now, my adoptive mother, whatever you want to say about her, was a heck of a lot better than that.  For a change, I had 3 meals a day, a daily bath, clean clothes, and interaction.  I lacked all of that before. 

Really, if it weren't for my Dad I probably would have become a serial killer. 

I don't know what Ron would want me to say about his mom so I won't talk about her, suffice to say she felt I was "a saint for putting up with her boy", at least until the accident when I refused to place him in a nursing home. 

In an ironic twist, she herself ended up in a nursing home.  I have given Ron the information and offered to accompany him if he chooses to visit.  I have only asked him to call first and see if she would want a visit, because the last time we saw his parents they said they didn't want to see us again.  They were pretty strong on that, too.  When we called, they never picked up.  When I got my first cell phone, they picked up on the first ring and stopped answering calls from it, too. 

So, it's difficult on his end, too.  Basically, Mother's day we sit around, depressed, watching all the other people who have what we don't.  Either you can relate or I just made you feel a little guilty. 

Now, my adoptive mother does her best.  I can't fault her for that.  She doesn't play head games, so I salute her for that. 

My aunt (Dad's little sister) is local and awesome.  She was a huge help to me after Ron's accident.  She's that person you think of when something nasty just hit the fan.  I try not to "bother" her with minor to medium issues, and keep her posted when things are good.  She seems to appreciate it. 

Neither my adoptive Mom or my aunt will be upset or offended at the fact that I completely forgot to get them a card.  Basically, I feel like they're telling me, "Stay sober, keep taking your meds, and that's gift enough for us". 

I do my best! 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You and Ron have been parents to a lot of furbabies whow literally would have died ...i lost my mom and love my kids..but the furbabies we have rescued? Give me so much love and adoration! happy mothers day Dear Heather! We can not change our past but we sure as shit can make a difference in the future Oooxxx

Oh i know you hate politics but Obamas speach was hysterical so i know why Ron was cracking up..i was too! No matter how you feel he was a riot ! I agree with you all the time! Especially when it comes to sleep! But tell Ron ( if you want) THIS time he was on point i laughed so hard i had cramps!
Hope you love your new bed?

A visit with the parents

So, my Dad's in town.  Along with my adoptive Mom.  Say what you will, she did raise me.  I slept pretty well last night - no noise.  ...