Fumble!

We had today off - we worked last night for the night shift.  Both of us thought it was a good idea for them to see us.  It was good but I was tired and went to bed when we got home. 

I thought I might sleep later, but I still woke up around 8 this morning.  I got up, did my shower and God Time.  I bagged up some candy, feeling guilty about the cold germs I am certainly including with the candy assortment.  I consoled myself with the thought it is not a bad cold and they will recover quickly if they do get sick. 

I tried to take a nap, but it didn't work.  Ron wanted to go out.  I checked the mail and found the letter from the doctor asking us to come in re: his tests.  I told Ron, he said he would call next week.  I'm not happy about it but Ron's body = Ron's decision.  I will remind him of this, repeatedly.  Not much else I can do in the meantime. 

As I said before, I'm conflicted.  If there was a serious problem I have to think the hospital doctor would have mentioned it, but he only brought up the anemia.  It could be this doctor just wants every patient to come in and discuss their blood work.  I don't know, and I won't know until we go in.  How fun! Having to wonder for days. 

In the meantime, my Dad and stepmother are coming out to visit.  We will entertain them for a few days and send them on their way.  She is thinking she can come in and get pictures of the cats.  My cats don't operate like that.  They hate photos, and strangers.  My house is a mess - if I was going to clean it, Ron's hospitalization and my subsequent cold put the nail in that.  I will be lucky to clean the most objectionable spots and leave it at that.  I'm choosing not to invest any energy in worrying about that. 

I can only do what I can do.  I ran the business, I took care of Ron, I took care of the cats.  We are clean, smell appropriate, and are wearing clean clothes.  That's the best I can do right now. 

I remind myself I am also operating under a big load of medication - and it makes me tired.  It works, I didn't get manic with Ron in the hospital.  I took care of myself when I got sick.  But I get tired.  And I have brain damage, I can't even drive. 

Ron was talking today at dinner about how great it would be if I could drive.  That's like saying how great it would be if he could drive.  Me, when I think about driving I think about very expensive repairs, road rage, and other drivers distracted by devices.  I see it a lot these days, a driver sitting at a light, the light changes, it's a good 45 seconds with all the other car horns blaring before he/she looks up and sees the light has changed.  By the time they get going the light has changed and the next one gets into their device.  I see them, all the time, scrolling, as they drive.  It's scary. 

I wasn't hurt, but I could have been, by that, especially when Ron started comparing me to other women he knew, who could drive.  Well, guess what?  They are all gone, he's in a wheelchair now, and I'm still here.  So maybe driving isn't that important after all. 

I did have a loss today.  I was doing some preliminary packing today for our overnight trip to Galveston.  I rinsed off my deodorant stone, picked it up, and fumbled!  Crash!  Fragments of deodorant stone all over the floor!  I really like the crystal, it works very well for me.  I had to sweep it up, the fragments weren't sharp, but they were "crunchy" underfoot. 

I didn't have any issues using the aluminum based deodorants, but I got a lot of abscesses in my armpit area.  When I switched to the crystal, they stopped.  So I use it because it works and also no infections.  Nothing more painful. 

Happily, I did have a backup, so no great loss.  I am a little sad because I had it for so long and it went through a lot with me.  I tend to get attached to things. 

Well, I'd better get going.  Tomorrow we do our supply run.  That will be hot and miserable work.  But it won't be long. 

Then I can come home and do some cleaning.  I'm not frantic, but I will do what I can.