Ron is teaching me to live without him.

That's a very sad thought.  But as he withdraws from life, I have to pick up the slack or risk losing the way I live. 

I had a big taste of this back in October 2016, when he had his back surgery.  I did everything but pay the bills.  I did all the banking, bought all the supplies, stocked everything, you name it.  I did not pay the bills for the house, mortgage, etc. because they are auto-pays.  I did all the grocery shopping on my own (Chuck went with me).  I prepared my own meals.  I took care of the cats completely. 

Now, as Ron withdraws, I'm getting to work on my own, doing the work on my own, doing a lot of features of running the business (except some of the accounting work).  I used to rely on him for transportation, now I'm doing it all on my own. 

He is still going with me on Bible Handouts, I'll give him that.  Although I think it is motivated by a desire more to "hurry God up" than to actually reach people.  I hope I'm wrong about that. 

I just got up and did some housework, laundry, cat litter, and taking out the trash.  I don't mind doing these things because Ron can't.  I get sad and disappointed when he won't even eat with me, choosing to gobble something out of a can in the kitchen. 

The really sad thing about this is the fact that all addicts do this: withdraw from their lives.  I hear "I want you back" a lot on "Intervention".  It's a good thing we didn't make it through the process for the show (even though they were interested in his story), because Ron told me flat-out he would have chosen alcohol. 

That's a hell of a thing to live with, knowing your loved one, if pressed, will chose the addiction over the love. 

So they withdraw, and the loved one is left searching for something to fill the hole.  I fill it with God, my ministry, and other people - friends, online and off.  I don't have many but I value the ones I do have. 

Oh yuck.  Biscuit is trying to vomit on my foot.  I moved it in time.  He's bulimic, and eats too fast, gorges himself (a holdover from his starving-in-the-woods days), chokes, and then vomits it up again.  At least he didn't get sick in the food bowl, this time.  Bubba used to do the same thing, he was a street cat before he came to me.  Rescues come with their own baggage, sometimes. 

So, the person who loves the addict is left searching to fill the hole left by the loved one's withdrawal.  Some find other people, and I don't mean that in a good way.  They find Someone Else.  I have prayed and begged God to protect me from this.  I don't want to be a statistic.  Not to mention, someone who cheated with me would most likely cheat on me.  And I don't want to go through that again.  Sometimes, they find someone worse! 

I want to be in God's will.  For now, I believe that is staying with Ron.  At the rate he's going, gobbling Tylenol with vodka, he has done some serious damage to his liver.  If he continues like this I don't expect he will live long. 

And I tell you one thing, and you kick my ass if I go off this road: SINGLE for years after.  I am not jumping into another relationship.  No.  I want to be in full-blown menopause by the time I meet the "next" one. 

But Ron's grandfather was a big time alcoholic.  Ron told me some stories that remind me of some of the blackouts I've seen - and he lived into his 90's.  Ron had other relatives with drinking and smoking problems and they lived into their 90's.  So, theoretically, I could get another 30 years out of him. 

Theoretically. 

I just hate watching this slide and wondering when it will all come to an end.