My Thursday

Battling depression today. 

I keep having nightmares about my family.  And variants of things that happened.  I try very hard to forget them, and most of the time succeed, but it is tiring. 

I didn't do my God Time last night.   My faith life is suffering from this depression.  I don't have the energy, any time of day.  Which deprives me. 

Ron is still difficult.  He will say things like it is so hard to communicate with me, any problem with communication is entirely my fault, etc.  I think I express myself pretty well, truth be told.   Just little nibbling bites, eating away at me.  It doesn't help. 

I don't even think he's aware that he does it. 

I just read an article about a guy who ended up divorced because his wife felt she meant nothing to him, because he didn't help with the housework.  I never felt that way.  I felt annoyed that he didn't help.  I didn't feel hurt. 

Truth by told, the angriest I ever got at Ron for anything home and garden related.  I had a garden out back.  I had painstakingly raised all my tomatoes from seed.  Ron went out back one day "weed whacking", found my garden, and began weed whacking my tomatoes.  He was quite proud of the large "weeds" he had gotten.  I was furious.  They were just blooming, almost ready to fruit, and he had destroyed them.  His response "If you had cleaned up the weeds on the perimeter, I wouldn't have gotten your tomatoes".  He never even said he was sorry, although he sure liked eating my homegrown tomatoes.  He didn't get any, that year. 

My housekeeping is abysmal, anyone will tell you that.  I don't stress about it, I do what I can. 

So, my day: I went to work, helped Ron, he was pretty appreciative at first but I made a small mistake.  So then it was in for the name calling and the lectures.  It wasn't that important.  If anything, it made me less motivated to do a good job.  Ron's read "The One Minute Manager", he should know that. 

Anyway, we went to the Kolache factory afterward.  We had a very long ride with a driver I like.  We finally got to our destination: now an hour waiting before our next ride. 

I ate a couple of kolaches, they didn't have cream cheese but the egg ones were pretty good.  Normally I am pretty leery of egg products but I am trying to be more open minded.  You may not know, I almost died from a very bad case of Salmonella contracted from a bad scrambled egg, in 2004.  The day we bought the house, no less.  I wanted to sue but Ron talked me out of it.  He said it could have happened anywhere, to anyone, I was just unlucky. 

He did to a pretty good job of nursing me the first couple of days, bringing me water and all.  I don't think he could do much to help me now, if I got sick.  When I had the migraine back in Feb., I just took care of my own needs. 

So I ate.  Ron got cold and wanted to go outside.  It was 90 degrees.  So I took him out and we waited on our next ride, another driver I like.  We had a straight trip home and I took a nap.  I had nightmares. 

I got up and got online for a little bit.  Ron wanted to "find a new restaurant".  It is very difficult to find a place to eat in the paratransit service area.  There's plenty of food, but not where we can go.  Ron and I worked on that for a while and finally gave up. 

Yesterday, I was watching "My 600 pound life" and it featured a pretty young girl with a big weight problem.  Of course.  She had really cute curly hair (she was white, or appeared to be).  At the end of the show she had her hair "done" (straightened) and some glamour shots taken. 

I find that really sad.  Women with curly hair can't wait to straighten it.  So much so they even have hair relaxer for little girls.  I've seen it at the store.  I find that really sad. 

When I was younger, my stepmother cut my hair very short, and kept it that way as long as I lived with her.  As it grew, it would stick out in odd places.  I didn't like that about my hair.  Then she would take me to go and get it cut again.  It was always a short pixie cut, it was "cute" with my face, but I always wanted longer hair. 

I got a job.  She went to take me to get my hair cut one day, and I said I wanted to grow it long.  She said fine, it was my problem then, and I would have to pay for my hair myself.  This was shortly before I moved out. 

As my hair grew, it developed some nice waves.  It is pretty much "every woman's" ideal, wavy hair with a little curl at the ends.  I have cut it off a few times, because long hair is a lot of work, and I did cut it back in 2015 because I was sick of the henna, which is permanent. 

That's nice.  I appreciate that.  I don't have to "fool" with my hair.  It is oily, though.  I have to wash it daily or it gets greasy.  That gets a little tiresome. 

The interesting thing about the migraine I had back in February, I didn't wash my hair for 5 days.  It wasn't that bad, actually.  I thought it would be a lot worse. 

I think the saddest thing I have seen is all cultures dying their hair blonde.  My mother did that.  It was a good look for her but I have a photo of her with natural brown hair.  It looks much prettier.  I always find it sad when I go to the taqueria and all the women on the telenovela have dyed blond hair.  Latina women have very pretty brown/black hair.  It is very shiny and pretty.  But they hate it.  That's sad.  They'd rather fry it with perms and dyes and try to look like someone from Norway, instead. 

After I helped Ron, I did a load of laundry.  I had to talk to Ron about cat hair on his pants.  He sleeps with the cats, with his pants on.  I keep asking him to please take his pants off when he does that, so I don't have to clean all the cat hair.  I can only imagine that amount of cat hair can't be good for the pumps and filters in my washer.  So I brush it off before I put it in the washer.  It takes a couple of minutes for each pair to get brushed completely. 

I'm tired, I'm going to bed.  You take care.