"Cut it off"

An interesting day. 

I woke up at 7:30.  I had set an alarm but forgot to turn it on.  Ron "let" me sleep last night. 

The ants were still pretty bad in the bathroom but I've seen large numbers of dead in the bathtub, the last couple days. 

I got up, did my God Time, shower, etc.  Got dressed for work.  My work pants (size 24) are getting positively baggy.  I could pass for a homeboy.  I have to keep pulling them up.  I will keep wearing them until things get really embarrassing and then size down.  I hate sizing down and the new size is really too tight, leaves red marks all over my waist, etc. 

Ron had managed to wrangle a ride from paratransit, to work.  We took that and got to work pretty quick.  We didn't see any floodwater or even any evidence of anything other than a good rain, on the way. 

We got to work.  I immediately noticed some changes in the stockroom.  Someone got in there.  They moved our dumpsters outside (we have 2 dumpsters for plastic and cardboard recycling), moved some of the other vendor's product, got up on a ladder (which they left propped by the door, good thing Ron didn't bring it down on his head), and moved some ceiling tiles.  Now, I noticed, in the main area, they had also moved some ceiling tiles, and we had leaks.  So, possibly we had a leak in the stockroom. 

I didn't notice anything out of place on my end, aside from the other vendor's supplies being put into my area. 

Ron went out to the soda fridge, and came back shouting.  Someone had put a padlock and chain on our doors (it is a 2 door unit), making it impossible for anyone to open the door without their key.  Ron was pretty outraged, and I was shocked. 

Who would do such a thing? 

I went to maintenance and talked to someone, he took me to his boss.  "Cut it off", said the boss.  "The chain, not the lock.  We will keep the lock". 

On the way over there someone said "they" had put the chain on our fridge because it was leaking.  How is a chain, on the door handle, going to stop a leak?  So a supervisor came with me. 

I showed him it was dry underneath our fridge and he got to work on the chain.  He separated the links and managed to undo the whole assembly.  Ron and I were very appreciative.  I am keeping what is left of the chain, and padlock, for evidence. 

I think someone tried to weasel their way into our fridge, steal some "free" merchandise, found they couldn't, and did this to "punish" us.  It's the only thing that makes sense.  Or someone was just an asshole.  It happens. 

It was a pretty flimsy chain, truth be told. 

Other than that, it was a pretty uneventful day for stocking.  Ron wasn't very nice to me.  He called me names and talked down to me, made me rethink my whole "Stick around and help out with work" concept, after I leave. 

I did my end of things, and finished before him.  Then he yelled at me because I was done.  He's the one who scheduled a long day.  How many times do I wait on even going to the toilet because we are so busy? 

Speaking of.  I finally went to the bathroom.  I had some serious leakage.  My period came last week and has been extraordinarily light the last several days.  I figure it is a menopause thing.  Then this, today.  Thank God I was wearing a tampon, and I had more.  It didn't soak through anything but my underwear so I wasn't walking around shamed, but it goes to show menopause can be fickle. 

I was so excited.  I thought, if I get periods like this I won't even mind having them.  Then today. 

Thank God I brought the extra tampons. 

I helped Ron where I could, but there honestly just wasn't that much to do.  We finished up and left. 

Our ride was late, but not overly so.  We boarded.  It was one of the new vans.  It has easier-to-climb stairs and tons of handrails everywhere in sight.  Smart. 

The lady riding perked right up when she saw us.  She was extremely manic, and wouldn't shut up.  Ron was going nuts.  I wouldn't have minded talking to her.  She was an old, sick, lady who even said "It's been a while since I took my medication".  I could tell. 

We got home.  Ron was bored and called the Denny's he likes.  They were open.  So he made arrangements for the cab driver to buy him a bottle of vodka, and take him to Denny's. 

The driver took us to Denny's, dropped us off, went and bought Ron a bottle of cheap vodka (with Ron's money), then came back and met us with the bottle.  Ron clung to it like a lost lover, holding it in his lap all the way home.  He gave the cab driver some money to buy him a case, in the future, because Chuck's truck isn't working right and Chuck won't be able to help for a while. 

The driver agreed [sigh].  I didn't get involved because this is Ron's addiction, he has to either master it, or continue to let it master him.  So, in the next couple days, the driver will be bringing Ron a case of vodka. 

Ron made a big point of thanking me, for what I don't know, when we got home.  I just asked him to "let" me sleep tonight because I am tired.   He agreed. 

We'll see. 

Wednesday

We lost power for a minute or so today.  Got me a little nervous. 

I slept OK last night, woke up in the middle of the night with Ron making noise.  "That's sad" I thought "His new 'drinking plan' didn't last 6 hours." 

This morning he asked me if he was quiet, and was shocked and upset when I said no.  He had been all set to boast about his new drinking plan and how well it worked. 

He sort of crawled off after that and went back to bed.  I took my shower and did my God Time.  I had woken up with a headache so I ate 3 aspirin for breakfast, along with my Diet Mountain Dew. 

I took a nap for a while.  Biscuit joined me.  Ron woke me up on the phone.  He had been asleep when I took my nap, so I didn't want to wake him up just to tell him I was taking a nap.  I did think it was a little unfair I let him sleep but he couldn't return the favor. 

He talked to our boss, and a cab driver. 

I was awake now, so I got up, moving soft, warm, Biscuit off my legs.  I got on the computer for a while. 

I have seen fewer ants today as opposed to yesterday or even 2 days ago.  However, they're still pretty bad.  I think they would give anyone fits.  They bother me in the bathroom and when I am in my TV chair, so I didn't want to watch a lot of TV. 

Ron woke up.  He called the cab driver a couple of times, begging for vodka.  However, the guy said no.  He called Chuck.  Chuck drove through flood water and has a check engine light now; plus everything around him is flooded and he can't get out even if he wanted. 

So Ron is facing the imminent demise of his last bottle of vodka.  He is panicking.  He actually asked someone to bring him two cases of vodka. 

We figured out work is open tomorrow.  So we made plans to go.  The cab driver who won't bring vodka, will take us to work.  If I were the cab driver I just wouldn't do booze runs at all.  I just hope we don't get stuck at work, which is a real possibility. 

I will bring a couple day's worth of medication just in case. 

Ugh.  I keep stalling. 

So, Ron was OK most of the day, not great, but alright.  Then, after dinner, I noticed the sink wasn't draining properly.  We have a 32 year old garbage disposal.  You can imagine it's about time to get it replaced. 

But Ron was sitting there with a mouthful of vodka.  Years ago, when he drank very little, he once asked me how alcohol was best absorbed.  I did some research at the library and said "Through the mouth".  So, when Ron takes a drink, he holds it in his mouth for 5-10 minutes, as long as he can, to "maximize" the effect. 

He will grunt at me with his mouth full, and I'm supposed to understand.  I find it rude and degrading when he does that.  Not to mention I don't like the reminder that getting a buzz on is, in fact, more important than communicating with the woman he says he loves. 

I told him what had happened and he began grunting at me.  I told him "I can't understand you".  He became very angry at me and his grunts assumed a more ominous tone.  He finally spit the drink out in a glass and demanded I bring him the plunger.  The plunger has a sturdy wooden handle, which he uses to unjam the garbage disposal when it gets stuck. 

He worked in there for a while, turned the water on and off, turned the switch on and off.  He threw something at me.  It was part of a vodka bottle.  Part of a vodka bottle had jammed up the drain.  Ron was very angry and blamed me.  I told him it was his vodka bottle, not mine.  How was it my fault?  He cursed me out and rolled back to his bedroom. 

He said he didn't want to yell at me, but he did just that for another 5 minutes or so.  Then he was quiet, I don't know if he fell asleep or passed out.  At any rate, he's quiet now. 

I have come to realize I cannot tell him I am leaving until I have made all my arrangements and actually have a physical place to go.  Tell him, basically, right before the movers come.  Living with me for months, fighting to keep me, trying to "prove" he can "handle it', it would be exhausting for both of us. 

No, I will look for another job after the first of the year, save as much money as I can, purge 90% of my stuff. 

I realized I didn't care about very many things getting flooded.  So I will get rid of those things.  I clearly don't need them (except for things like winter clothes). 

I will keep quiet and make my plans.  I know I can live on my own, I did it when Ron was in his job training program for months.  I just worry about finding a good job but I figure God will take care of me. 

I am even willing to continue to help Ron with the business.  He won't treat me very well but if I can go back to my own place that would help a lot. 

And I would get a place on the second floor.  For a couple reasons.  1.  To keep him out.  I doubt he could get up a flight of stairs.  and 2.  Flood control.  It is a lot better to have an apartment on the second floor in a flood-prone city. 

At any rate, I need to go to bed early so I can get ready for work tomorrow.  Hopefully we will be able to get in and fill the machines.  Hopefully, no one used that "extra" key to our stockroom either. 

Keep praying for me to have good guidance and clear thoughts.  I don't want to do anything impulsively. 

"I have seen too much"

I managed to get some sleep, and slept until about 9.  I got up, did my shower and God Time. 

Someone had written on a message board that a shower would "flood my neighbors downstream".  Well, I'm sorry, but I need to bathe, and that prediction's coming from a civilian and not someone on the water board. 

Ron woke up.  I asked him what he remembered of last night.  He remembered not being able to get on the toilet.  I told him the rest of it and said I was about done. 

He went into immediate denial mode.  He still is.  I have told him his drinking is going to make me leave him.  "No, it won't, because I'll fix it".  He still thinks things are "fine".   I think he figures I just need some courting to "come around" 

I took a nap, got some sleep, worked on the ant problem.  I ended up making a mixture of sugar and borax, and sprinkling that everywhere. 

Ron instituted his "new" drinking program, a "foolproof" way to ensure he doesn't have any blackouts.  I told him: "You have two choices.  You act like a jerk because you put alcohol in your mouth.  You need to either stop putting alcohol in your mouth, or you need to put less".  Ron decided he would do less alcohol. 

I took him for a walk to the bayou (no, not to throw him in!) and he kept trying to get me to say he was "fine" with his new drinking plan. 

"Ron" I told him "Nothing you can say or do will ever get me to say you can 'hold your liquor'.  I have seen too much".  That took him aback.  I reminded him that, a little over 12 hours ago, he had his head stuck in the wheelchair screaming for rescue.  If I had made a video I'm sure people would have thought it was funny, but it made me angry and frustrated. 

I need to watch how much I'm taking before I start lashing out at him.  Besides verbally, that is. 

We can't go to work tomorrow.  Paratransit is only doing emergency trips = dialysis.  If someone goes without dialysis for more than about a week they will die.  So, they have to get "done" the minute the roads open.  Ron called and asked if we could go to work, they laughed at him. 

So we're stuck at home for another day. 

The trip to the bayou was interesting, it was running fast, about 3/4 of the way up, even now, days after the flood.  But it's running.  It's when it's stagnant, kind of swirling around, that I need to worry. 

Ron swears he will behave tonight so I should get some sleep.  I sure hope the borax works on the ants, I am heartily sick of them. 

"Sorry" doesn't cut it

Ron has this game he plays when he plans to get very drunk: he will come to me and give me this long, almost-sobbing, declaration of his "love", tell me to ignore everything he says and does in the future, while very drunk, and basically says "I can't help myself but I want you do forget all the things I say and do when I'm drunk". 

My alarm bells start going off whenever that happens.  And, sure enough, every time, he has a blackout and gets very ugly.  He is rude, selfish, immature, and abusive.  And he thinks it is "OK" because he says "sorry" before he does it. 

It's not OK on any level. 

So why I am I up at, now, 3 AM?  I went to bed around 9.  Ron woke me up around 1. 

He had fallen out of his wheelchair and gotten his head stuck underneath it.  I had to pull him out, he was pretty agitated.  If I hadn't been able to get him out I would have had to call the non-emergency line for the police and had them send someone out. 

That would have been awkward.  If I'd had to do it, I would have asked them to take Ron off somewhere to sober up.  No sense subjecting myself to more abuse. 

He pulled out the drawer from the oven, I thought he broke it at first.  I was able to put it back later.  He shoved my chair around, yelling about it being a wall.  He lost his wheelchair and blamed me for it. 

He shouted at me to put "the kitchen in the kitchen" and "The wall in the wall" and then shouted at me for failing to understand his meaning. 

He couldn't get on the toilet seat, and threatened to defecate on the floor.  You get the idea (he hasn't, so far). 

I'm just done. 

I will be talking to him when he sobers up.  I will tell him, I will get the business through the busy season and then I am looking for another job so I can move out.  If he wants, I can train a replacement. 

But living with him just isn't worth it.  I am tired of the drinking.  Tired of the dramas.  Tired of the verbal abuse.  Just tired. 

I will take at least Biscuit and Torbie with me.  Baby Girl has always been Ron's and I think she would miss him. 

But for now, I'm done. 

Ron just threw my scale in the tub and got upset that the shower curtain was "in his room".  Then he wanted me to move the toilet because "It belonged in the bathroom".  I had to loudly shout that he was in the bathroom. 

I told him to go to bed.  He told me to go to hell (so to speak).  I hope he will shut up pretty soon so I can get some sleep. 

I just have to wait

It rained a lot, to my ears, last night. 

When I went to bed the water was about even with the sidewalk.  I was worried it would rise and we would find ourselves in imminent risk of flooding again. 

Imagine my delight when I got up this morning to find a wet, empty, street, with two gutters of water on either side flowing into the storm drain.  Excellent. 

I did have a colony of ants on my porch.  They had camped out in my "fake grass" welcome mat.  Ugh. 

You may remember I hallucinate bugs crawling on me; and I've had a lot of this the last couple days.  The ants want somewhere to go: we are dry.  So they are trying to move in,

However, I'm getting crawled on so much I'm starting to hallucinate it now.  Ugh. 

I woke up with a pretty nasty headache (from using bug spray) in the middle of the night and I took a Naproxen, and ate some applesauce. 

I went back to bed and slept OK, woke up with the headache still but the Diet Mountain Dew (I have a case of them) cured it.  Then I went out front to take a photo of the yard.  It is pretty unremarkable so I'll skip posting it. 

That's when the ants got me. 

I went in the house and did my shower, God Time, etc.  I listened to some music and cried a while. 

I cried yesterday, too. 

Everything is OK from a physical standpoint, but I've been under a horrible strain for the last half week.  It takes a toll. 

I still hate myself when I cry; I see it as a symptom.  It's not.  Sometimes I just need to cry, but sobbing hysterically was such a part of my illness for so long, it is hard not to view it with disgust.  Also, crying during verbal abuse just "fed" Ron and made him worse, so I had to "toughen up". 

At any rate, I cried until my Bounty paper towel fell apart.  I did feel better. 

I posted on my social media.  People are concerned, and from what I see when I turn on the news, I don't blame them. 

The rain has stopped for now but the wind is picking up.  It makes for some strange noises.  I think #2's patio furniture.  They have lots of it; failing to realize Houston only has nice weather about 2 months out of the year.  The rest of the time the patio furniture sits idle.  I just hope it doesn't go flying into the side of my house. 

I tried to take a nap but the racket woke me up.  I heard it a couple nights ago, too. 

Now that the storm is moving around I guess we will get more winds + rain as opposed to just rain. 

I just pray we stay dry. 

Ron and I are focusing on eating all the stuff out of the fridge and freezer, just in case we do lose power.  I should be able to do a mobile post from my cell phone if necessary, and I have some portable cell phone chargers. 

When it comes to things I have done, I have done pretty much everything.  I wish I had a completely waterproof bag for my "bug out" stuff, important papers, credit cards, things like that.  I did find a waterproof tablet case and I put some important papers in that. 

So, I sit here, for the third day in a row, wondering if we are going to flood (the dams have released a lot of water and that could possibly affect me), wondering if Ron will hold up, wondering if Ron's bottle of vodka will hold up, the cats will be OK, our stuff will be OK. 

I have great faith that God will carry me through whatever happens, and I can certainly use this disaster as a great opportunity for Bible Handouts, but for now I just have to wait. 

Get out of the water!

I shouldn't have been surprised, but Ron has been drinking all day - the whole time he's been awake.  He said he would only have 2 drinks, but he kept going back for more. 

He got lonely, which meant he wanted to have long, rambling monologues at me.  When I didn't prove interested, he tried calling "old friends" who don't take his calls anymore.  He finally resorted to trying to find a childhood crush from when he was 10 years old.  I had to tell him, loudly, I wasn't interested in "any of his old girlfriends". 

"She wasn't a girlfriend" Ron replied "I was 10, her Dad was..."  I tuned it out.

Eventually I asked him to move out of the kitchen (when he's in his wheelchair, he occupies the whole kitchen).  I needed to throw away the empty can of cat food.  He asked if he should move over by the garage, or into his bedroom.  I suggested the bedroom. 

He fell on the floor twice today, out of his bed.  I assume because he was drunk.  If we flood he is going to end up right in the flood water.  I'm sure it will wake him up quick. 

Oh, I hope we don't flood. 

The water has receded to about the sidewalk level now.  That's very good.  I'll be even happier when it's out of my yard entirely. 

Of course, we are supposed to get more rain.  And I am a caregiver for someone I can't depend on in a epic storm.  It is sad.  I don't want him to be macho man, hauling me and the cats out on his back, but I want him to provide emotional support. 

The neighbors were interesting today.  #2, who just moved here a few months ago from out of town, the whole family was in the front yard having hysterics this morning.  The water was up maybe 1/3 into their yard.  Then, later, the father was playing with the daughter, holding her over the flood water and pretending to drop her.  She was letting her hands and feet trail in the water. 

Do they know what is in flood water?  I wanted to give her a shot of antibiotics. 

Another neighbor played loud music for a while, and then last, but not least, a pack of teenage boys wandered down the middle of the street, up to their chests in the water, cavorting and talking loudly. 

Get out of the flood water, people. 

Eating: I ate a frozen chicken cordon bleu last night.  I forgot to weigh myself this morning, with the drama.  I ate it's twin for lunch today.  And a protein bar.  Not bad considering the high stress situation.

I also found some sugar free drink mix so bad me, drinking aspartame.  I am trying to stay on plan as much as possible, but I need comfort foods as well. 

So, after I did my God Time I looked around on TV, tried to find something that wasn't catastrophic.  I finally took a nap with Biscuit.  He's a good boy. 

We had a good nap together until Ron fell on the floor again.  I finally got up.,  I have talked to family, social media everyone.  Did the blog. 

Wind is picking up.  Right now the bastard, I feel comfortable using the word, is scheduled to go back to the gulf, strengthen, and come straight up through downtown before it finally goes away. 

I'll be glad to see the end of it. 

Non-catastrophic (so far)

I didn't want to post until I had something to say. 

I kept waking up last night, nerves, and of course I have to pee a couple times a night. 

I kept an eye on the street, it was good for a long time.  Just a wet street, no flooding.  About 6 AM I saw the water was about halfway up the driveway. 

I woke up Ron and alerted him to raise his important stuff to high ground.  He did.  I went back out front and saw the water had climbed to this: 

That's not good. 

Ron prayed with me and the rain stopped, the water went down.  Don't laugh; the rain stopped. 

I took a shower and did my God Time.  I ate my breakfast and took my pills, and tried to find something non-catastrophic on TV. 

I decided to take a nap, and was joined by Mr Biscuit.  I know how many of you are fans.  He laid down on my legs, in bed, and groomed himself.  I fell asleep for a few hours as the rain started up again. 

I lost power, and internet for a bit, so I am going to keep this short and publish now. 

Just another day, right now

I applied some lavender essential oil last night, before I went to bed. 

I took a while to fall asleep, but slept pretty well, considering.  I woke up to rain a few times but nothing like what I expected. 

I woke up this morning to find it practically dry.  I had slept in, until 9:30.  I took care of Biscuit, did my God Time and other morning routine.  I ate some pineapple out of the fridge, grapes, and a banana.  I took my medication. 

I tried to take a nap but I couldn't sleep.  I got up.  I have been on the computer, off and on, watching some TV but not the news channels. 

We had a couple of severe weather alerts but, like I said, it was mostly dry today.  I heard the East end of Houston flooded.  They will be in trouble if they get the 2 feet of rain forecast tonight. 

I have yet to see this forecast drama, and I am very happy about it.  I am quite happy to stay dry in my home, with all my services running. 

I did think it might be nice to run to Denny's but they are closed.  Oh, well.  It's really just another day here, right now.  NOT complaining. 

Ron sure did some complaining when he found out he only had a partial bottle of vodka, plus one, left.  "I will have to call Chuck!"  I wanted to tell him all the real alcoholics stocked up on liquor before the hurricane.  From what I heard, the liquor stores were as busy as the gas stations. 

Ron got bored, and lonely, so he got the bright idea to try to look up an old girlfriend of his.  They did disgusting things together, things I can't even mention, and I'm no prude.  When he told me I thought "And you made love to me with the same >>>>?"  Yuck. 

Another thing, she was always having some drama where he "had" to bail her out, give her money, buy her food, etc.  He was already planning how much money to "send" her when he called. 

He fails to remember, I send the money in this house.  I make out the checks and mail them.  I will not do that for this woman. 

I told him, no, absolutely not.  Not only do I think it's inappropriate, someone like that will always have their hand out, demanding more and more, and then wanting to move in with you.  That's one reason I never gave my ex boyfriend my phone number. 

Ron thinks I'm a "bitch" who "says he is stupid".  I said "When it comes to sex, you are".  "I never cheated".  "Yes, you did, four times".  "I never cheated on you after we moved to Texas."  "Yes, you did, with [name]."  He shut up after that. 

I can't believe he thinks it is OK to look her up, tell her how great we're doing (comparatively) and then offer her money when I have expressly said I don't want it.  If he said that about an ex of mine, I would listen. 

In fact, I deleted my ex on my own after I realized I was only putting up with his liberalism because I knew him, but everytime I opened up my Facebook something he wrote or shared was pissing me off.  I finally unfriended him after he made a post supporting late term abortions.  He was adopted.  I would think he'd have more empathy for the "unwanted" fetus. 

If that's my worst problem I am doing pretty well.  I doubt Ron will be able to find this woman, with what he described of her behavior she probably is either married, dead, or on a government phone that is not in any of his online directories. 

I am off to watch the local news for a bit and then I will call Mom & Dad to let them know I'm still OK.  I don't want anyone to worry. 

Third floor

I slept better last night, in no small part because Torbie! came and slept with me, right next to my head, in my favorite spot.  I woke up and did my shower, then did some preparations.  I rolled up the exterior blinds and checked the back yard for debris.  I decided to put the smoker down on it's side so it wouldn't turn into flying debris. 

I remember I had a big banana plant in a pot.  I didn't move it in the house during Rita, and it went flying across the yard.  And we didn't even get the full brunt of it. 

I came in the house and filled up a couple of clean, 5 gallon buckets, with a lid.  I stacked them one on top of the other and left them in the tub.  I have enough room to shower around them. 

I did some picking up, putting things on shelves, etc. 

Pretty soon our pickup time arrived.  Time to go out for breakfast.  We went to our favorite taqueria.  I was curious to see if I could make paleo work with them. 

The answer was, sort of.  I got a scrambled egg mixture with ham in it.  That was legal.  Beans, not really on plan but OK in small amounts.  I had a few bites, they were very good.  I was satisfied after a few bites so I stopped.  I didn't touch the fries.  Totally off plan. 

So, I can eat there for breakfast on occasion.  It was reasonably priced, too.  I put up a photo for you  after I ate about half of it. 

We came home.  I took a nap, sort of.  I had a hard time falling asleep, then some jerk woke me up playing loud music.  "I hope you flood" I thought vengefully, then apologized to God. 

I forgot to mention I am officially down 10 pounds on paleo.  I am losing, on average, about a pound and a half a week.  Not as dramatic as low carb but definitely more sustainable. 

I slept as long as I could, then got up around 2.  I did more organizing.  I watched TV.  My parents called, I reassured them I am as prepared as I can be.  And I am. 

I cleaned the litter boxes, all 4 of them.  I left Ron to clean his own litter box.  He is terrible about that. 

Worst case, if we flood bad the cats can float in them like this cat: https://youtu.be/wrz735xKhss

I really hope it doesn't get that bad.  I am worried because they're saying it isn't getting any better, but it looks like Corpus Christi will get the worst of it.  That's bad for them. 

I don't know anyone there, so I'm not personally affected.  I will be praying for them. 

I'm not worried about tropical force winds.  I have had those before 2 times.  We have a good roof that has served us very well.  When it's time to replace it, I will definitely use the same company.  We might lose the fence but that is easily replaced, and the neighbors will help pay for it.  We just had the tree and bushes trimmed so I'm not worried about them, either. 

I'm worried about flooding.  I have said this before: last year, when we had the Tax Day Floods, we got about a foot of rain in one night, and almost flooded.  I am worried we will get more rain than that, and flood. 

Houston, and my part of down, have impressive drainage systems, but they can only take so much.  I so wish I lived in a third floor apartment right about now.  I never worried about flooding when I lived on the third floor. 

Breakfast

Not eating the fries.

Category 3?

Well, I got my phone fixed. 

I got up at 4 AM after a really bad night's sleep.  I just had a terrible time falling asleep, and staying asleep.  I was worried about everything. 

I staggered out of bed, ate some fruit, drank a Diet Mountain Dew, and took my medication.  Then I took a shower. 

We went to Sam's Club, during business hours.  First we had to drop off a guy at work (no problem with that), then we had to pick up a "limited" non verbal guy so he could go to his workshop.  But then, the trip planning computer probably saw us as "Going to shop for groceries" when, in fact, we are getting much needed supplies for our business. 

When we got to the store I saw a lot of people rolling out with cases of water.  I was surprised they had water at all. 

I got a flatbed (they didn't have many left) and raced off to see what they had.  I scored 5 cases of water, our brand, our size.  Yes.  The customers will love us. 

Then I went to look for soda.  They only had bottled Coke.  All the other bottled soda had sold out.  I buried the water under other merchandise, so no one could snatch if off my cart. 

I got what I could, got what I felt I needed (Ron didn't agree with my idea to go to work first and do an inventory), and paid up.  Ron had a tantrum when I told him he couldn't get his hot dog. 

Chuck came and I found someone to help us load the truck.  Thank God.  I was so grateful for the help.  Once or twice, I had to load the pickup by myself and it was awful. 

We went to work.  I had a lot of stuff on the carts already; I had to take it off before I could take the now-empty carts out to unload the truck. 

Ron got in the truck bed and pushed things at me, that made it easier to unload.  I got everything put up and taken into the building. 

Then we stocked.  For hours.  I got everything but the pastry, I made sure the machines were as stuffed as possible before I left for the day.  I had to help Ron with sodas at the end. 

Our driver was on time and we had a straight trip home.  I took a short (about an hour) nap.  Then I got up. 

I did some planning and organizing.  I got the Free Bibles stuff to high ground, but I still need to move my signs.  Let me do it now, I keep forgetting. 

Done, I also started the washer for a load of bedding and some clothes. 

I did things like put my tampons in a big tote bag, and hang it on a hook, instead of leaving them in the low cupboard.  If we get water in the house, they would be ruined.  And my period is due in some days.  I need my supplies.  Now I have them, and they're out of the way. 

I have encouraged Ron to move his computer to high ground but so far he has proven recalcitrant.  It's like he thinks, if he moves it, it means the house will flood.  No, it's just preparing for the worst, if the house does flood you won't lose all your records.  I gave up on nagging him, he'll do it or he won't. 

Our ride came to go out to dinner.  Denny's again.  They have a good ala carte menu and I can add a fruit salad to it for cheap.  It was good.  Ron got a appetizer plate. 

Chuck met us.  As I mentioned, my phone has been acting up.  It kept yelling at me about the SIM card and then it went to "Emergency calls only".  So I took it to the store. 

On the way, we passed long lines of vehicles at gas stations, and packed grocery store parking lots.  I'm glad I already got my stuff.  We got to the store. 

I went in, and handed my phone over to a lady who disassembled it quickly.  She pushed the SIM card in with a bright yellow fingertip (she had long, sunny yellow nails), and it was fixed.  Yay.  I have communication.  I have a blog. 

Now, I love the Blogger app.  If you have a Blogger page you should really get it.  I have an Android phone and that app works great.  The only thing it won't let me do is review comments, so I will just be talking to the wind until I get power/computer back. 

Since it (the storm) is getting pretty nasty, I may lose power for a bit, but I will have my cell phone and I can at least let you know my status. 

After I finish this load of wash I plan to go to bed.  I plan to dry it tomorrow morning. 

The weather is forecast to hit Friday afternoon/evening so we'll see.  It looks to be really bad in Corpus Christi. 

At any rate, I will take all the prayer/good wishes you want to send my way.  Thank you. 

Phone trouble

I am having trouble with my phone so I may not be able to do mobile posting.  I will try, though.  Hopefully I can get my phone fixed or replaced before the storm comes. 

The prize

I was innocently surfing Facebook, feeling sorry for myself, and planning what I was going to say to Ron when he got up, when I saw we have a tropical thing/hurricane headed straight for Houston.  You probably already know this by now. 

We almost flooded last year when we got one foot of rain in a night, you can imagine my concern.   We, meaning the house, flooded back in 2001.  I can still see the taping lines on the drywall where they had to remove it and replace it.  We didn't live here at the time, but the damage was so bad the owner literally sold the house to a flipper. 

Well. 

We do have flood insurance, which is some comfort, but I'd really rather not ever use any insurance, ever, if I can avoid it. 

Needless to say, this is the last thing I need.  Huh, that would have been a good blog title "The Last Thing I Need".  But, really. 

I did have some good news, not many people knew about this, and I was already going to Walmart.  Yesterday I sweet-talked Ron into a Walmart trip. 

Transportation is moderately difficult for me.  I have to ask Ron, get him to make the trip, discuss times and duration, etc.  All done the night before. 

Well, last night I wanted to get Biscuit! some Fancy Feast Tuna since he likes it so much.  Ron agreed, because, after all, it was for Biscuit. 

So we had a trip.  Our ride was on time.  We had to pick up another client and she barely fit in the backseat.  I made a point of mentioning the paleo diet working for me, to the driver.  She had some size issues as well.  I mainly stated it in the "I had so much pain, and it's all gone now" context.  She asked me if I had lost any weight, and I said yes, about 10 pounds. 

I never really measured my starting weight, but it was around 253.  I am now down to 243. 

Anyway, we got to Walmart, it was pretty quiet.  I got a cart and ran over to the bottled water.  A case of bottled water, is, after all, the prize when we've got a tropical event coming to town.  And I could use it, too.  When it gets close to landfall, people actually fight over the damned things.  The water display was about half-gone, but still plenty of water left.  I grabbed a case and put it in my cart, glad I am doing paleo so I don't have that awful shoulder pain anymore. 

Now, for my primary purpose.  I got Biscuit 2 cases of the Tuna cat food.  He was very happy to see it when I got home. 

If nothing else, this tropical thing is going to mess up transportation for a while, and we won't be going to Walmart.  I have about 3 weeks of medication, that is plenty.  A week and a half is already done up in my pills of the week organizer. 

Next up, I went and looked at canned food.  I knew Ron had plenty, I wasn't worried about him.  I wanted some paleo options, or, at the very least, the least-worst processed options.  I got some canned fruit (pineapple and fruit cocktail in juice), vegetables (short-cut green beans), and some meat (canned Vienna sausage).  I got enough to hold me for about half a week.  I will, after all, be eating up leftovers from the fridge and freezer for a few days.  We found that one out last time (Hurricane Ike). 

If we do lose power, we got it back in 4 days with Ike.  We are near some schools, so they are a priority.  We are also near businesses.  So that shouldn't be too bad. 

However, if we lose power, our elderly fridge makes alarming noises when the power resumes, and takes a while to start up again.  I would worry about it dying altogether. 

If we get any amount of water in the house, it's going to be catastrophic.  I do have portable cell phone chargers so I might be able to fire off a cell phone blog, like the photos I do sometimes. 

We are up, and back, from the street.  We have some elevation, I'd say about 10 feet up from the street level, so it would have to be pretty bad before it got in the house. 

And, of course, there's very little I can do to prevent this from happening, if it happens.  I have all the irreplaceable (my first Bible, the Bible given to my grandmother in 1937) stuff on "high ground", I can move the cat beds, the computer is already on top of something, etc. 

Ugh.  I want to prepare for it but there's really nothing I can do.  Just wait and watch, see where it goes and if it really does "bless" Houston with the 2 feet of rain I am hearing about. 

Good news, I've already been through one tropical storm (Allison) and a hurricane (Ike) so I have a pretty good idea what to expect. 

But, if you pray, I would love to get some for this to be a "nothing", if that's God's will.  I don't wish it on someone else but maybe God can rearrange and send a nice high pressure ridge to nudge it out of the way.  I'll even take "Good thoughts" if you aren't "religious". 

And, of course, hoping Ron behaves.  I think he only has one bottle of vodka left so he can't get into too much trouble. 

Famous last words. 

"Let" me sleep?!

I'm pretty pissed at Ron today.  I went to bed, sleeping OK.  Kept waking up for some reason.  I finally realized Ron was yelling at his talking book.  I asked him to stop, repeatedly.  He would start yelling again. 

I realized he was too drunk to govern himself.  I asked him if he wanted me to come in the bedroom and wake him up when he was trying to sleep.  He told me to shut up.  I went back to bed.  He started yelling again.  I have no idea when this all happened but I know it happened in the middle of the night. 

I can handle a lot of abuse, but I cannot be sleep deprived.  There's a reason it's considered torture.  The last time I left Ron (for a week), it was due to chronic sleep deprivation + physically abusive.  I will not tolerate this. 

He kept making noise, I kept telling him to shut up.  It got to the point where I honestly, for a brief second, had some very bad thoughts.  Not going to spell them out in case things go bad one day.  I think anyone, though, would have bad thoughts if they had mental illness and fetal alcohol syndrome, trying to get a good night of sleep, and they can't due to a hateful, drunken, spouse. 

He told me he "couldn't help himself' making the noise",  ended up calling me a "bitch" and  "whore" but he finally shut up and "let" me sleep. 

It's that bad?  I have to get permission for him to "let" me sleep?  Pretty pissed still. 

On the plus side, and I always try to find a silver lining, Biscuit got in my bed and laid on my legs for a while during all the drama.  He's so cute.  Then, when I woke up this morning, he sang his little song of starvation "No food in my bowl!" and I fed him.  He is now passed out behind me in the computer room doorway, full of Salmon. 

I had to move Torbie out of my chair to sit down, she wasn't happy but she finally "let" me. 

We are going to Walmart later.  I hear we may also be having a hurricane next week so I should probably pack up on some paleo things I can eat without refrigeration. 

As if I don't have enough drama.  Ugh. 

Boring!  I want boring! 

Skip the nightmares

A pretty rough night.  I slept OK, but had a nightmare about Ron, then a nightmare about work. 

After I woke up, I decided to check my blood sugar.  I have been very thirsty lately and peeing a lot.  It was 107, OK. 

I was glad I bought that fresh fruit salad at Walmart.  I ate about half of it and took my antidepressant.  It worked fine. 

I took a shower and did my God time while Ron proceeded to get very drunk.  He staggered off to bed.   I got back on my computer for a little bit, then took a nap. 

I got up at 3.  We were going out to dinner.  Chuck was taking us.  I got Ron up, he got ready while I got dressed. 

Chuck came on time and off we went.  I didn't have any trouble putting the wheelchair in the truck bed.  I wouldn't have wanted to try that a month ago.  We got to the restaurant and I unloaded Ron, then pushed him up the wheelchair ramp.  I didn't want to bump him up over the curb, I can do it, I just don't like to, especially in my flip flops.  It is easier to push the wheelchair in my steel toed shoes but I didn't want to wear them. 

We had a pretty good dinner, except for the middle aged white guy "running" the waitress, making her do extra work for no reason, complaining about trivialities, etc.  It got so bad the manager came out with another baked potato, but he didn't want that one.  He just wanted to complain about the first baked potato.  Ugh.  Let's just say the guy should have been avoiding carbs, anyway. 

It didn't affect our dinner much.  I got an 11 ounce sirloin, a salad, and a baked sweet potato with butter only.  It was very good, all of it. 

We came home, some pettiness on the road with the other drivers.  We got home OK.  I unloaded the wheelchair (this is the kind of thing I never thought about when I thought about caregiving), loaded Ron, and into the house. 

Biscuit was crying for his dinner.  I fed them and watched them all take a turn at the food bowl. 

I collected some trash and put it outside in the can, then took the can to the curb.  I am done for the day. 

I just hope I can skip the nightmares tonight. 

Biscuit helps with the laundry

Ice Pack

Sometimes I get a glimpse of the old Ron, the one who couldn't bear to leave me with my family.  The hard worker.  The sober one; before he got poisoned by all this negativity. 

I got up early this morning.  I wasn't sure of our exact pickup so I guessed.  I took my shower, got dressed, and had some time for the computer.  I ate my breakfast (grapes and bananas) and went to work. 

Work was pretty uneventful.  Ron didn't have good soda sales, but "my" snack sales were pretty good.  Good.  We need to pay for our inventory somehow.  We got our sandwich delivery. 

And that's where I had the problem.  It is a cold food vending machine.  It rotates, and has about 10 shelves.  Each shelf has slots for various products.  I was stocking the sandwiches ($2.50 each) when the machine ground to a halt, made horrible noises, and reversed. 

Uh-oh.  Something had jammed.  I tried to pull everything out but it still jammed.  Great. 

I got Ron and asked him to help.  While he bitched, moaned, and cursed, he did help.  We figured out what was jamming and took it out.  Looks like I won't be selling Gatorade anymore. 

That's the Ron I remember, the problem-solver, the fixer.  He has the soul of an engineer.  It was only a little glimpse but it was hard to see. 

I miss that man.  Do I think everything is restored and he will be a good husband now?  No.  Absolutely not. 

It's just sad to see the man I fell in love with, hiding inside this drunk. 

We went home.  Our ride was late, I left him under the tree.  Our driver was a nice guy.  When we got home, I took a nap. 

I woke up with a headache (not sure if it was the eclipse, or the bag of peanuts I ate earlier) and took some aspirin.  I watched the light out the windows, it never really got dark. 

I called my aunt and chatted, I got a bonus of my second cousin babbling into the phone (my aunt babysits a couple times a week).  I went in the house and woke Ron up. 

Ron wanted to call a cab to go to Walmart today, because paratransit "Messed up the trip again".  OK.  We ended up having to call Yellow Cab. 

The driver came pretty fast, he lives nearby.  We got to Walmart. 

I spent some time in the produce section.  I wanted some greens, grapes, maybe some other fruits and vegetables.  I got the grapes, then I looked at the greens.  Kale.  [shudder]  No thanks.  I settled on some mustard greens.  I got some sliced carrots.  Then I looked at the precut fruit.  I got a nice tray of watermelon, not a whole wedge, but chunks.  It had a nice deep color.  I also got a smaller, mixed fruit, salad to have for a treat sometime. 

It was pretty busy in the produce section.  Everyone there was a reasonable weight, too.  I found that encouraging. 

I got Ron a couple of TV dinners because I wanted to keep my stuff cold.  A frozen TV dinner acts like an ice pack. 

Then I got my vitamins, etc.  I decided to buy some canned Vienna sausage because 1.  It's shelf stable.  2.  It has a easy open lid.  3.  It has plenty of protein and fat.  4.  It's cheap.  I thought those were all good reasons to buy it. 

So I did. 

I got Ron his popcorn.  He's been on a big popcorn kick lately. 

I got cat treats for Ron (actually, got them for the cats), and some food for Biscuit.  The other day, when I fixed myself some Tuna, Biscuit carried on like I was eating his food.  So I decided to buy him some tuna flavor.  Just tuna.  Not "tuna and fish".

That reminded me I needed to get tuna for myself, and also some mayo.  I did that.  I figured I was about done and checked out. 

I had a nice cashier.  I liked her.  I paid her and found Ron. 

I left him with the shopping cart ("Put your arm on it") and found out he wanted a double cheeseburger from McDonald's.  I ordered that, and a chicken salad for me.  If nothing else I would get my greens for the day. 

I grimly ate the salad (not as bad as kale, but not very exciting, either) while Ron's hamburgers sat on the table in front of me.  I didn't want to eat them, though, they had onions.  I don't like onions. 

I ate most of it, noted the time, and decided I had better get back to Ron.  I took the salad with me and ate it, standing next to Ron, watching out for our ride. 

We went outside about 5 minutes before the pickup.  A weird guy in a plaid outfit (both short sleeved shirt and shorts, in the same plaid pattern) came up and started bothering us.  He kept looking in my cart.  The popcorn was on top of the other merchandise, you could maybe see the mayo (for the tuna) but that was it.  He smoked.  I hate it when people smoke in front of me.  It's very rude.  At least ask if I am OK with it. 

A "hot" woman in skintight leggings walked by, he threw his smoke on the ground and ran after her. That's why I don't wear provocative clothing, even if I weighed less, it attracts a lot of unwanted attention.  I got a lot of unwanted attention at work, and sometimes still do, because my breasts got bigger taking my antipsychotic.  A lot of men had a very hard time keeping their eyes on my face and not my chest, it was very uncomfortable.  And I am wearing modest and appropriate items that adhere to the dress code. 

A week or two ago, someone I know pretty well said hello to me, then surveyed my breasts, then looked at my face again.  I found it very rude.  As if I don't have enough problems already! 

Now, everyone knows that woman who dresses provocatively, puts a bunch of cleavage shots on Facebook, and then gets upset when a man responds.  I think that woman is in the wrong.  Don't dress that way if you don't want the attention.  Don't put yourself out there as a sexual toy if you don't want to be one. It seems simple to me. 

Anyway, our driver came right after that.  I only had 2 bags (one of them the produce) so it was easy to put everything away.  Unfortunately, we got stuck behind the schoolbus on the way home.  It stopped about every half block.  The kids took forever to get off, the parents had to show something to the driver proving they were the parent, I guess, and it was the most tedious thing ever.  And all the kids were idiots, running in the street, too. 

It's so bad I've gotten to the point, if I see a child around I warn the driver all the kids run in the street and don't have any safety sense.  The driver thanks me and drives that much more carefully.  No one in the subdivision is teaching their children pedestrian safety, don't run in the street, don't walk in the street, don't dart out in front of vehicles, etc. 

I learned it the hard way.  Once, and only once, I ran into the street in front of my home when I was about 3.  My father beat my little butt.  "Don't run in the street!"  I learned my lesson, it only took the once.  He did it with my younger stepbrother, too, when he ran in the street. 

But parents aren't allowed to spank these days, that's "child abuse".  Sigh.  And people wonder why I never had children.  I would want to be able to discipline them properly, and that includes the occasional spanking when required. 

I got in the house and put away the cold things.  I put Biscuit's food on the table.  He was pretty excited to see a whole case of Salmon and a couple cans of tuna (I wasn't sure he'd like it). 

I looked at the TV, nothing much on.  I got on the computer.  About 5:30,  Biscuit lay down next to me, reminding me it was almost time for dinner.  At 6, I fed him the can of tuna (cat food tuna, not human).  He and Baby Girl loved it.  They gobbled it.  Good, I'm glad they liked it.  I wanted to give them a different, fun, taste and it looks like I did.  I will have to start buying the Tuna flavor Fancy Feast now.  I gave them some dry food, too, for later. 

Torbie left me, she had been sitting under my feet.  I'm pretty tired.  I plan to clean the litter boxes and go to bed early tonight.  Tomorrow I plan to de-hoard the house as much as possible, I have an almost empty garbage can that's just waiting to be filled.  I also need to do laundry. 

I already cleaned out the fridge, which mainly meant getting rid of that old kale.  Boo. 

I was happy to see the last of that. 

I'm so mean

Sorry to bail on you yesterday. 

In a lot of ways, it was pretty typical.  Got up, took my shower, fed the Biscuit (his chub was withering), etc.  Go to the warehouse, buy supplies, get Jack a cold drink, etc.  Watch Jack and the cart attendant load the truck.  Get in truck. 

Go to work.  Empty my cats, take them outside.  Load carts with Jack.  Take carts inside.  Marvel that the chocolate didn't melt.  Stock.  Go home, take a nap. 

We went to Denny's for dinner.  I had my eggs and sausage again.  It cost $7.  I figured, since it was so cheap, I could splurge on a fruit bowl too.  So I got one.  It had grapes, bananas, and cantaloupe.  It was pretty good, and a nice finish to my meal. 

We came home, I was doing OK. 

Then Ron does this whole "I love you so much" speech while he had his hand on my cheek.  It creeped me out.  I got pretty depressed (Ron was already off drinking by this point), and decided to wait on getting online. 

My choice was confirmed by Miss Torbie, who was settled into my computer chair and looking quite cozy.  I didn't want to disturb her.  I went to bed. 

I slept pretty well, and got up a little before 9.  I got up and fed Biscuit, weighed myself, etc. 

This is the sad aspect of weight loss.  I always have this problem.  Say I weigh when I get up, and it's 244 (pretty much what it was today).  But I have to use the toilet 20 minutes later, and there's a lot of product. 

Do you ever weigh yourself again?  I did, today, and based on my math the real weight is closer to 242. 

I took a shower, ate my breakfast (grapes and bananas), and did my God Time.  I made some tuna salad, with tuna, mayo, and lemon pepper.  It was pretty good and I didn't get sick.  Biscuit licked out the bowl.  I watched Law and Order reruns for a while, then tried to take a nap (I couldn't).  Ron woke up right as I was falling asleep and he woke me up.  I told him I was trying to sleep but it was too late.  I finally just got up. 

I watched some more TV and got on the computer, after I moved Torbie (she was still in my seat, probably stayed there all night). 

Ron asked me to help him find his cell phone, I told him it was under the fridge.  Matter-of-factly, like everyone leaves their freaking phone under the fridge all the time. 

Then he wanted to ask me questions about weight loss and I wasn't interested.  I finally shut him up by telling him the "science" he was quoting was 40 years old, and intervals were the best way to lose weight. 

He said OK, then cooked a bag of popcorn (that stuff is so old I am sure all the fats are rancid) and offered it to me.  Popcorn is not a paleo food, and he should know that, but I'll give him a pass this time. 

Biscuit is jumping up on my leg as I type, purring, trying to get me to feed him early.  I feed him at 6, so he has something to eat all night when I'm sleeping. 

Plus, he had my tuna leftovers. 

I'm so mean. 

I wish there were a test

"Stop bothering me or I'll hit you." Ron shouted. 

Alarm bells began to ring.  Lately, Ron has been threatening physical violence when he gets frustrated.  He never used to do that. 

I probably shouldn't say this, but after the accident, when he went back to work, he slapped me one day.  I slapped him back, saying "You will not hit me!"  He never did it again.  

I am not happy about this.  Long term readers will remember when Ron attacked me back in 2007.  Normally I leave him alone when he's having a blackout, but in this instance Ron had broken a lamp and was trying to walk on broken glass in his bare feet.  I had to pull him back.  He objected.  He tackled me onto the bed, breaking it, and began hitting and biting me.  Not a highlight of our marriage.  I ended up spending a week with my aunt and uncle, and I only came back on the understanding that Ron would give up ALL hard liquor.  That didn't last long.  I had bruises for weeks. 

I didn't want to file charges, I had a couple of reasons.  The first one being I thought he would keep his promise to avoid hard liquor.  By the time he broke that promise, months had passed and it was too late. 

Anyway, to the rest of my day.  I got up at around 8:30, I slept in today.  I took a shower and did my God Time.  I watched a little TV.  I took a nap.  My alarm went off at 3 PM for some reason. 

I got up and watched some more TV. 

Ron asked me to check the mail.  I did.  We had a quote for the flood insurance ($1400) and a renewal notice for our dental discount program.  I had to talk to Ron about both.  That's when he lost his temper and made the crack about beating me.  I left him alone, and he went to sleep. 

I knew I should eat my dinner.  I got out the kale (I am really developing a deep loathing for kale), my seasoning, and a hamburger patty.  I cooked the kale with the seasoning, it made things a little more palatable.  Baby Girl licked the hamburger patty after I cooked it, then "covered" it.  She's a funny little cat. 

I ate most of my kale and finally threw away the rest.  I ate the hamburger patty and took my medication.  I fed the cats.  Ron woke up and acted like nothing had happened. 

I guess it's the head injury, he can blow up and do the most awful things, then turn around and act loving and sweet, like nothing has happened.   Or maybe it's just him being a narcissist.  It's been almost 15 years since his accident, it's hard to remember if he was like this before the accident or not. 

It's a dilemma, everything I read about head injuries says they have a temper and trouble controlling their emotions. . But I don't want to let him off for something he can control, if he can.  I wish there were a test "Is Ron helpless when it comes to verbally abusing me?" 

It's crazy, I mean, he gets angry at me for helping him, then 5 minutes later he's thanking me for doing the exact same thing.  That, I attribute to the head injury. 

At any rate I need to go to bed soon so I can get a good night's sleep.  I ate some grapes with my banana this morning, and I didn't have any nausea when I took my medication.  I ate some grapes after I finished my dinner and I am not nauseous. 

I never knew until I went on the lithium, what a gift it is not to be queasy all the time. 

I haven't found it yet

As expected, I slept horribly, that is, when I could lie down again.  Horrible cramps.  Never using that stuff again, ever. 

I even used my heating pad and that helped a lot.  I felt kind of funny using the heating pad with the air conditioner going, though. 

I finally got to sleep around 10:30 PM and I had to get up at 4.  I did, got ready, and off to work. 

Ron was in a difficult mood, his very impatient "Why won't God take us already, I want to go back to heaven?" mode.  It is very difficult to handle.  He basically goes around saying he wants to die already, life on Earth is "a toilet", etc.  He wasn't very nice to me, either. 

We got to work.  We had been gone for 2 days.  It looked as if we'd been gone for an hour, very low sales.  [Sigh]  When we took the money out, we had more than I expected.  Honestly, it looked very bad.  I stocked what I could, which wasn't much. 

I did what I could, helped Ron, did inventories for Saturday, and basically moped over bad sales. 

I asked a guy eating a brown-bag lunch why someone had moved the big, commercial, refrigerator.  He went off on a rambling tangent that involved moving my vending machines outside to make room for it over on the "vending machine" wall.  I said that wouldn't work, because all the chocolate would melt. 

"You need to put healthy items in the vending machines" said the man who has never put a dime into my vending machines, and was eating a honeybun. 

I scoffed "I tried that, and it all rotted.  Salads, sugarfree chocolate, fruit, low-fat chips.  People don't want that stuff, they want sugar, salt, and fat." 

Then I left.  I wasn't going to take advice from someone who wasn't even a paying customer.  Now, if a regular customer said they wanted, say "Devil chips" and I could get them for a good price, I would do it.  I like to see myself as responsive.  But when some backseat vendor, who doesn't even shop with us, wants to tell me how to run my business, I don't listen. 

I had another customer who came by and insisted that my vending machine had given her a package of gum instead of the other thing she wanted.  I told her I don't sell gum, and referred her to the other vendor.  I can't pay their refunds, and I won't.  They don't pay our refunds, either. 

We were done. We went to the bank and made our deposit.  We left and came home.  I took a nap, I woke up but I went back to sleep.  Ron had the house pretty cold so I wrapped up in my bedding.  Next time I will get up and adjust the thermostat.  After all, we're paying to be cold. 

I got up and got ready.  Ron had made a trip to Denny's.  I figured I could use it, after two days of nausea and then a night of cramps.  Our ride was, as expected, late, but paratransit fixed the pickup time. 

We had to deal with rush hour traffic, something we don't usually do.  It is nice to work strange hours and avoid all the hassles of Houston rush hour. 

We finally got the restaurant.  I ordered eggs and sausage off the menu, they have a "Build your own Slam" pick 4 items for I think it was $7.  I got double eggs and double sausage. 

I ate it and took my pills.  I got a little queasy afterward.  I am getting really sick of that.  Good thing I bought two bottles of Pepto the other day at Walmart.  Ron and I had a nice meal. 

He got a sampler plate and enjoyed everything.  He didn't mess up his clothes, either.  He can make a big mess sometimes when he's eating.  Not that I complain, I am glad to see him enjoying his food, I'm just glad I don't have to do the laundry. 

Our pickup was a little late but he was a very nice guy.  I liked him a lot; he had a cat.  We talked cats for a while.  The rush hour traffic had abated, so we had a smooth ride home. 

We got home.  I fed the cats, Ron put his food away (he had ordered a meal to go).  It was a pretty typical evening until Ron asked me if I had seen the garage door remote. 

[bad word]  No, I hadn't seen it.  I got dressed again (but I didn't put my bra back on) and went outside to look in the garage, outside the garage door, and in the driveway.  Nothing.  If anything had been there, it was gone now. 

I came back in the house and looked around on the kitchen floor.  Nothing.  Ron asked me to look in front of the microwave, on the counter, and I found it. 

It's a good thing I have my own remote.  I gave Ron his remote back.  I do have to say, in, over a year of having the automatic garage door, Ron has only lost the remote a few times.  Every time it has been pretty easy to find it again. 

Ron went back to bed and I watched the cats eat their dinner.  You would be proud of me.  Biscuit loves his dry food with a gluttonous passion.  He will literally gorge himself on the dry food and vomit it back into the bowl.  He has done that many times. 

Anyway, today I was "finishing" a bag of Blue Wilderness grain free Salmon (their typical flavor).  It had about 1/4 cup left in the bag.  Now, in a normal day, I feed them 1/3 cup dry food along with their can of Fancy Feast (also Salmon) for dinner. 

However, I decided to be generous today.  I dumped all the leftover food into the bowl, then opened the new bag and added 1/3 cup to what I already had in the bowl.  The cats loved it.  Everyone went back for seconds.  Biscuit did not, happily, throw up. 

Let me rephrase that: if Biscuit threw up, I haven't found it yet.  I don't mind doing this because it's only once a bag, and the bag lasts a long time with me only feeding 1/3 cup a day. 

It's almost 8.  Ron forgot to make any trips tomorrow so we are staying home.  I'm not sure what I will do, clean up, or take it easy, but I will do my best to have fun. 

My weight was up this morning but that was after a really terrible night's sleep so I'm not too worried. 

Paleo dinner

Consolation

Ron needs to realize, not everyone is consoled by his "Don't worry, the end of the world is coming soon" speech.  Agh.

This is probably TMI

I wasn't going to mention it.  After all, who wants to hear about  hemorrhoids?  Really? 

Some things, I figured, are too much.  So I kept silent and just grimaced.  I kept forgetting to buy some "remedies" and now I think I see why God allowed me to keep forgetting. 

They are pretty much better by now, but still, persistent.  So I bought some remedies today, suppositories (I told you, TMI) and some wipes.  I used the wipes, no real difference. 

The suppositories said to use them at night, which is a really sick thing to do.  I innocently inserted one and lay down in my bed.  It has a vasoconstrictor to make the veins calm down.  However, I was wracked with horrible cramps just a few minutes after insertion. 

I have to work tomorrow, yet I am plagued with Grade A, First Class, Food Poisoning Grade cramps.  I haven't felt like this since I tried to take a glucosamine with my lithium. 

I keep running to the bathroom, but nothing's coming out, just horrible cramps and pain.  It's dreadful. 

About the only positive thing I can find is that my nausea is gone.  I guess I only get one symptom per customer.  I need to be asleep but I doubt I can with these symptoms. 

Ugh. 

A lot about Biscuit

I slept OK.  It was sure nice to wake up with Torbie in the bed. 

I got up at 7:30 or so.  I was awake and ready to go.  I peed, brushed my teeth, fed Biscuit, and ate some breakfast. 

I took my shower.  Biscuit meowed at me while I was washing my hair, and I called his name sadly.  It's a little game I play "I'm dying in the shower, come and save me".  He came bouncing into the shower enclosure, ready to save me from the terrible showerhead, I said his name happily as he sat at the dry end of the tub, and he watched me for about half a minute before he left.  Then he laid on the tubmat right outside the shower enclosure until I dried myself off.  He's pretty cute. 

I got queasy after eating my banana and antidepressant.  That isn't going to work anymore?  Well, crap.  I like to have a morning routine, eating the same thing.  Kind of like my customers. 

We went to Walmart.  Ron called a cab because he didn't like the timing of the first trip, apparently we would have been there too long.  It was just a medication run so we didn't need that long. 

We got there and I found a kiddie cart.  I put Ron in it, then put the wheelchair into the cart.  Ron had his talking book machine, and a flash drive with music.  If he pops the flash drive in the USB port, he can turn the player into a "boom box".  Personally, I don't think he should. 

How would you feel if someone rode around with you, or sat in a store playing music you didn't like?  You wouldn't like it one bit.  You sure wouldn't like it if someone else did it, playing rap music or whatever. 

Anyway, Ron wants to be the center of attention, and get all kinds of praise for having "the good music".  Riding paratransit, that generally means playing old soul music, endlessly, because that's all the other clients and older drivers want to hear.  I get so sick of it, but he loves it when they start singing along with the music. 

He knows I don't like it, so he generally tries to restrain himself.  The problem is most of the drivers are younger and have no clue what he is playing.  They don't like it, they want the "young stuff".  Which Ron, of course, doesn't have, and wouldn't because he hates rap and the "new" soul. 

Anyway, today I got to ride him around in the kiddie cart, playing, of all things, country music.  The demographics of our store are about 45% Black, 45% Mexican, and 10% middle eastern (women in the getup, etc.). Pretty safe to say that everyone we encountered hated Ron's music.  A lot of customers frowned at him. 

I got the things I needed.  Mainly pepto, chewable nausea tablets (mixed results on that one), a serrated knife, etc.  I took my time looking at the vegetables, and finally decided to get some sweet potatoes.  The ready-to-eat celery had a sell by date of just a couple days, and I didn't want to deal with a whole bunch of celery.  Besides, I was queasy enough that the thought of celery was pretty revolting.  They had a sweet potato already wrapped in plastic, all ready to microwave.  I thought I could do that and read the directions, nuke for 7 minutes and then done.  It sounds like it will be a little tricky removing the wrapper because it will be so hot, though.  I also bought a plain sweet potato, I can try to cook it in my steamer.  That will probably be easier to do. 

I sure didn't want anything from the deli, or McDonald's, but I did get Ron some chicken strips from the deli. 

We checked out.  Ron paid me for his items.  We sat down for a while and I tried chewing some of the anti-nausea tablets.  They didn't work in 4 minutes, as advertised, but within 20 minutes I did feel appreciably better. 

We had a driver I like, taking us home.  He was very nice and helpful.  I sat up front and talked to him. 

I was glad I had brought my own bags, as we were getting another client who had her stuff in the regular plastic walmart bag.  If we had identical bags, it would have been easy to mix things up.  I started bringing my own bags when a woman's teenage son tried to make off with my bag of meat, one time.  $30 worth of meat.  I asked her to show me her receipt, because I had mine, and it showed I had paid for the meat.  She told him to give it back to me, but I never wanted that to happen again. 

We got dropped first, I really only had the one bag so not a big deal to get it into the house.  I didn't have anything to refrigerate. 

I felt daring enough to try eating some natural peanut butter, and sunflower seeds, and take my medication.  Oddly enough, it worked.  I took a nap. 

I had a post-traumatic nightmare.  Ugh.  I hate those.  I sure didn't want to sleep after that, even though I had Torbie in my bed again.  She's so much fun. 

The really old cats get very cuddly.  I probably only have a few more years with her, but I will enjoy her.  And yes, I love Biscuit just as much, I just wish he would (ow!) stop digging his claws into my leg when he wants dinner. 

Anyway, I got up, did some computer, watched some TV.  I plan to go to bed early tonight so I get a good night's sleep.  I am drinking a lot of pepto and plan to skip dinner tonight. 

Plus, I have to feed Biscuit in 8 minutes.  He's very punctual. 

I am never eating broiled seafood....

Oh, I am so queasy.  

First of all, I slept pretty well last night, and slept in as late as I could: 7:30 AM.  I guess I really am an early bird. 

I got up, took my shower, weighed, down almost 10 pounds total; and did my God Time.  It had been a while. 

I got dressed because we were going out.  Ron wanted to go to the fish restaurant.  I knew they had broiled options so I figured I would make that work.  So far, just about everything paleo has gotten along with my medication, except for the infamous sausage patty incident. 

We had a good ride to the restaurant.  We sat down, far away from the speaker.  Ron doesn't like their music.  Ron ordered fried catfish and shrimp, I ordered the broiled platter.  It has scallops, shrimp, and two fish fillets. 

Our food came and we started eating.  My food was good.  They even gave me a little cup of melted garlic butter, and I was dunking my food in it.  I didn't eat the seasoned rice, I just picked the baby shrimp out of it and ate them.  When I finished, I felt very pleased with myself and I even took a photo.  Then I took my medication. 

I was alright at first.  We had to wait about a half hour on our ride, then we had to wait on our ride to take us home.  I got home, feeling mildly nauseous.  That's not unusual after taking lithium + friends so I didn't think much of it.  However, it got worse.  And worse. 

I finally took some pepto and lay down.  Torbie joined me.  I managed a little nap but not much.  It was nice to have Torbie (she slept with me last night, too). 

I got up.  I was really sick.  I am never eating broiled seafood with my medication again.  Ever.  UGH. 

At one point today Ron was telling me to pet Torbie, he wanted me to get her out of his bed so he could be with Baby Girl.  Ron is very conflicted about the two cats.  Torbie loves him unconditionally, but Ron wants Baby Girl.  So oftentimes he ends up pushing Torbie away to make room for Baby Girl, who never even shows up. 

He kept telling me to stop neglecting her, etc.  Then he said I was just like my mother, neglecting my baby.  Why?  Because you were too conflicted to push Torbie on the floor, when you wanted to?  I called him out on that.  I said it was a cheap, ugly, shot.  I asked him if he would like me to start comparing him to his parents (he wouldn't).  He shut up right quick and even apologized. 

I even called him manipulative and boy that hit a nerve.  He spent the next 10 minutes vehemently denying it.  Only the truth hurts. 

So, in a minute, I will go get some Tums from Ron and try those for my nausea.  It's almost 5, I ate lunch at 12, it should be digested by now. 

Worst case I can always eat a banana. 

Lunch

Stayed on plan, just ate the seafood.

"Punished"

I didn't sleep well last night.  I got up and dragged myself into the shower, shaved my legs, etc.  I got ready for work. 

Our ride came around 6 AM, we had another pickup.  We went into another subdivision, somewhat in the direction of work, and picked up a "slow" client in a wheelchair.  She had about the mental capacity of a 6 month old baby, babbling nonsense, yelling, throwing her shoes, etc.  It was very distracting. 

Ron kept asking me how she ended up this way.  I took a sharp look at her and told Ron (later) she probably had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.  FAS is the leading cause of mental deficits.  He said something about the birth mother being "punished" by having to care for her (the other client was at least 20 years old). 

Not really, I replied.  Most FAS victims end up raised by someone other than the birth mother.  So an innocent family member, stepmother, grandmother, aunt, or older sibling is "punished". 

Does that mean I am being "punished" by "having" to take care of Ron?  I don't think so.  I signed up for this.  I didn't know he would become an alcoholic or verbally abusive, but I had a pretty good inkling about the rest of it.  I figured he would deteriorate physically. 

Punished?  I don't think so. 

At any rate, we got to work and I didn't have a whole lot to do.  I stocked what I could (I didn't have any Snickers Almond, and I needed them), helped Ron, etc.  I got the sandwiches and stocked them.  I did pastry. 

We were ready a little early so we went out.  Then we discovered our ride wasn't coming for another 20 minutes.  Ugh.  It was hot and miserable.  I put Ron under the tree. 

We had a little of excitement when the driver arrived, she came through the gate (she pushed the button and apparently was buzzed in).  That's a big NO!   We loaded quickly and left. 

She was confused about the traffic changes but took a route that satisfied her and kept her away from the closures.  We got home. 

I took a nap.  I didn't have any cats but Torbie ran across the bed a few times. 

I had a pretty good nap and woke up before the alarm.  I got ready to go, we were going to Walmart.  I needed to put in my refills and get a few other things (bananas). 

Our ride was late.  I am starting to think we cannot have an on-time afternoon trip.  The ride was so late, they sent "Protection".  Remember the song about the cleanup woman?  That's what protection does, picks up the trips that are far behind schedule, or the original driver cannot perform it.  He was nice, young, and very new.  He did a good job, though.  He got Ron onboard safely, secured the wheelchair, checked our "papers", etc. 

Ron arranged for me to get an hour at Walmart.  I got my bananas, and banana chips.  I got some no-sugar added, chunky, natural, peanut butter.  I had some sunflower butter (made from the seeds, of course), but it had added sugar.  I am trying to avoid added sugars. 

I bought a case of cat food and some things for Ron.  I was done. 

I checked out.  Everything cost about $40.  I found Ron.  I was pretty hungry, so I opened up my bag of pork rinds.  I shared them with Ron, and, when I was done, I gave them to him.  I only got the pork rinds because I was hungry and wanted a "legal" snack. 

Later on, I caught Ron feeding pork rinds to Baby Girl.  She likes to lick the flavoring off the rind, and bite it.  Yuck. 

Hopefully she won't get sick. 

We came home with a nice African driver.  He was teasing us because we know a bad word in Arabic.  He was fun. 

We got home and I took everything in the house.  I put away the butter and Ron's drink (Diet Dr Pepper).  I put the bananas away.  I stored the cat food in the stack of cat food I have on the table, much to Biscuit's delight. 

I got on the computer for a while, watched Intervention.  I am always so happy when they get clean but some of the "before" stories run a little too close to home.  Speaking of, there's Ron drinking in the kitchen.

Biscuit got agitated, wanting his dinner.  I feed him at either 6 or 6:30 PM.  If I feed him too early he will eat it all up and get hungry in the middle of the night.  Ron got upset and started calling me names because I wouldn't feed Biscuit. 

I told Ron I had to clean the litter boxes, then I would feed Biscuit.  That wasn't good enough for Ron, more name calling and verbal abuse.  I cleaned the boxes.  I mean, I had to, anyway. 

I washed my hands (of course!) and fed the cats.  In the meantime Ron had gone into his bedroom and was attempting to feed the cats treats.  Food trumps treats, for the cats.  I "won".  Everyone ate their fill and was happy. 

I turned off Intervention.  I was pretty depressed by now.  I mean, at least I had taken care of the cats, some dry food had gotten into the water when Baby Girl head-butted my hand with the scoop of food, so I had changed that out in addition to changing the litter and feeding them. 

But Ron was just hateful and mean.  I told him he could feed the cats if he wanted, but he doesn't want to mess with the wet food.  He just thought he could abuse me into doing what he wanted. 

He is still taking Tylenol with alcohol, so I imagine his liver is a hot mess right now.  I have said everything I can on the subject, but he won't hear it.  I think one some level he wants to die. 

And I'm just plogging through my day to day, trying to keep my head above the stormy seas of depression.  It's exhausting.  Add worry for/about Ron into the equation and it get really toxic.  Add all that into being on the heels of Ron verbally abusing me, it's a real mess. 

But I try not to have pity parties.  His grandfather was a notorious alcoholic and died in his 90's, so who's to say how long Ron might make it? 

Ugh.  It is my Friday night, I have two days off in a row.  Tomorrow we just get something to eat, that's all. 

Wednesday I pick up my prescriptions. 

"Can I help you?"

Today I woke up about 7:30.  I had set my alarm for 8:30. 

I got up, took my shower, and got on the computer for a while.  We had a pickup to go to Arby's. 

Of course it was late.   Ron got predictably upset, then called and "fixed" it. 

We got there pretty quick and went in.  I looked at the menu board.  No salads on the menu.  I suspected as much, and had come prepared. 

I ordered a plain roast beef, half a pound of meat.  I ordered Ron a Beef and Cheddar with bacon on it, he likes those.  He ordered fries.  The cashier asked me if I wanted fries, I said I couldn't eat potatoes on my diet.  Then he asked if I wanted hash browns.  I regretfully told him no. 

I got Ron to the table and he sat down.  He mainly focused on eating his fries when they came.  I ate my food with a fork, I took the top bun off and ate my way through the meat until I reached the bottom bun. 

The cashier came over to see if "Everything was alright?", probably due to my bizarre method of eating, I told him I was fine and continued eating.  I took my pills, they were OK with the roast beef.  Good. 

Now, it wasn't perfect because the meat is processed.  Better yet would have been a big chunk of roasted meat in it's own juices.  But Ron wants to eat his stuff and I try to accommodate him, too. 

So, we ate.  Our ride home came pretty soon and we left.  Ron brought his sandwich with him. 

Oh, I forgot to mention, I am down 2.8 pounds today.  I'm not in this for weight loss as my primary goal, but it is nice to see some weight coming off. 

We got home and I took a nap.  I slept pretty well considering.  I did run out of water.  I keep a large container of water on my bedside table and drink it as I wake up, thirsty. 

I need to make up another jug before I go to bed, which needs to be pretty soon.  I need to be in bed in an hour, at the latest, I have an early wakeup for work tomorrow. 

But I am also going to Walmart after work.  I'm finding a problem with the bananas.  I could buy the protein bars weeks in advance, store them, and eat them as desired.  The bananas only keep a couple days in my house, no matter how green the bunch.  So I have to keep running back to the store.  It's a little tiring. 

It also makes me a little nervous, if we have an event that disrupts transportation here what can I eat for breakfast? 

I'm sure not doing sausage patties again. 

Saturday in the heat

I didn't sleep well last night, I had a weird painless throbbing thing on the top of my left foot.  I think it is the "twitching" I have read about in my side effects.  It was so bad I put a salonpas patch on it, not because it was hurting, but because I hoped the distraction provided by the patch would cancel out the twitch/throb. 

I also had some other issues.  At any rate, I kept waking up and did not sleep well at all.  I was delighted to find Torbie in my bed sometime in the middle of the night.  She is so cute. 

I got up and took my shower, ate my banana and took my pills.  Our ride came pretty early and we got to Sam's 15 minutes before opening. 

Once they opened, I did my shopping and got everything on the list.  It was a lot.  I checked out and got myself a drink.  A diet caffeine free soda, that is.  I forget, sometimes, others have a very different definition of "drink". 

Anyway, we got a guy to help us and Jack showed up on time.  We got the truck loaded and off to work. 

Since it's been so hot, I've been plying Jack with cold drinks (water, gatorate, etc) to keep him cool and hydrated.  To be honest, he does most of the unloading, especially since "the shoulder thing". 

I am so glad I figured out paleo was the way to go. 

So, I got the carts and we unloaded, took everything into the building.  We checked the machines (Ron and I, Jack isn't allowed in the building), and realized we really didn't need to stock. 

Ron had scheduled hours for us to work, but we didn't need them.  So he called a cab to take us home. 

We had to divert due to traffic and road construction, but we got around.  Finally home. 

I was pretty tired.  I took a nap.  I had weird dreams, but, yet again, woke up to Torbie.  She is such a joy.  I woke up with a moderate headache and took some aspirin.  It worked. 

We had planned to go to the BBQ place.  I took the photo of Ron as he was getting ready.  Baby Girl was in the wheelchair when I took the photo, you can see the arms of the wheelchair at the bottom of the photo.  Torbie and Biscuit were, of course, with Ron. 

We went to the BBQ place.  I got links, half a pound, and Ron got the rib dinner.  We had a pretty good time, eating and talking.  I didn't get anything off my eating plan. 

I even had a full quart of water before I started drinking the diet soda.  I thought that would be a good start. 

Pretty soon, time to go home.  Our driver was right on time and had no trouble finding us.  He was teasing us about "his" BBQ, I told him I bought him a sandwich but Ron ate it. 

We came home, I watched TV for a little while.  Pretty soon I'm going to bed. 

My pants are getting looser, I think.  They feel looser.  The nice thing about one pair, it has a drawstring so I can just tighten it up as needed.   Good.  I have only a general idea where my "smaller sizes" are hiding. 

I had dramatic losses, and equally dramatic gains, on low carb.  Paleo weight loss is something new to me. 

I was down to 245.8.  I was 253 at the doctor's office last month.  So I'm losing, but it's more gradual.  That is probably better for me. 

I just hope I keep losing.  I'm sure eating on plan. 

Happy family

Ron, Biscuit, and Torbie