Saturday, January 3, 2015

You know what's coming

Yesterday morning, Ron told me "It's my day off, I'm going to (drink) and go back to sleep".  I thought, what a terrible idea. 

At 9 PM last night, Ron couldn't stop telling me: I was wonderful.  He loved me so.  I was so valued. 

1 AM.  You know what's coming, don't you?  He woke me up making guttural shouts.  I knew what that meant, but I remained hopeful. 

I asked Ron, loudly enough that he'd hear me, to please keep it down as I was trying to sleep.  That led to "bitch" with varying adjectives, for about an hour.  All this while he pushed his walker, the one I helped him buy, the one I assembled, around the house. 

He decided, as usual, to drink some more.  We have a mostly empty 2 liter bottle of vodka on the counter.  Coming back, he fell on the floor.  He shouted a lot. 

I alternated between "I should go make sure he isn't hurt" and other, darker, thoughts.  I went with ignoring him.  After all, it sounded like "the usual" and he gets pretty combative if I try to help him in any way. 

That's how he beat me up in 2007, I tried to keep him from walking on broken glass, in his bare feet. 

His tone changed and I did check on him.  What a mess.  However, he seemed fine. 

I do not "help him up" because he can't stay upright when he's that drunk anyway.  He also gets combative and abusive.  Who'd sign up for that, just to watch him fall, again? 

I did see some blood, but not much, and figured I'd find the source tomorrow.  (He banged his knee, about a dime sized scrape). 

I went back to bed.  He made a lot of racket, shouting, crawling, and falling.  It seemed every time I'd fall asleep he'd wake me up again. 

I was not happy.  Not only that, it's hell to watch Ron abuse himself.  Like watching a loved one beating their head into a wall, or reaching into a running garbage disposal. 

He finally woke me up around 7, shouting madly and making crashing noises in the bathroom.  I found tampons everywhere and some counter items thrown on the floor.  I still don't know what happened to the toilet paper roll.  He was sitting on the toilet screaming "What's this?" about the shower curtain. 

I said (not nicely) it was a shower curtain, he was in the bathroom, and shut up already.  Ron says that's about when he came back to himself. 

Ugh.  He was sorry.  He's always sorry.  I didn't do the persecutor or martyr thing.  I was just matter of fact. 

I will protect his dignity, but I kept thinking about the "Bleach it away" commercials.  [snort]  I also had to do some laundry and other cleaning. 

However, this time Ron will participate in the cleanup process.  I couldn't get some stuff, so he can sit on the floor and scrub it with lysol.  He is fine with that. 

'It's really sad" I told him "One hour I'm the best woman in the world and you're so lucky to have me.  The next hour I'm a stupid, fat, bitch and you hate me."  His face said it all. 

We went to the warehouse, later on, and then to work.  "The day's ruined anyway" I told him. 


Anonymous said...

Does his doctor know this is happening?

Heather Knits said...

He doesn't have, and doesn't want, a regular doctor. He just goes to the doc in the box revolving door, every time a different doc, clinic, when needed. He doesn't have any ongoing issues from the accident (other than "being crippled" which is pretty much untreatable). His only real issue, other than drinking, has been the over-use of the back massager on his legs and the blisters they cause.

It's like watching a slow motion accident. We know what will happen but I am powerless to stop it. Believe me, I've tried.

He has to admit he is an alcoholic. Admit he is powerless. THEN he will seek help and I have no doubt he will kick addiction's ass.

But he has to "hit rock bottom" per my Dad, and admit he has a problem (says everyone) before that can happen.

Anonymous said...

Would you be willing to give Al-Anon another try? I think it could be incredibly helpful. You do, however, have to find the right group. What you should do is get Ron to give you money for cabs so you can visit a few groups. This is what you need to be doing FOR YOU when his drinking is this out of control. Once you find the right group, you'll know. Each group is a product of its members, so unfortunately, you do need to shop around and find the right people. Remember, many people in Al-Anon are sick and dysfunctional and desperately trying to get better. But there will be some people who have come through the other side and will have much to teach you. These people and their wisdom will stand out to you, no question. I don't need Al-Anon for myself but recently attended with a friend, and was very impressed. Please just don't give up if the first meeting you attend isn't helpful. When you find the right group - and again, let Ron pay for transportation while you do - they will support you. You'll have people to talk to who have gone through, believe it or not, the exact same things. Even more importantly, though, you will learn more about the ways in which you are, unintentionally, still "helping" Ron not hit his bottom. I know you are very defensive about being accused of "enabling". Enabling is really a very natural and understandable thing that people do, though. So try to have an open mind and know that there is no judgment, just ways to learn how you are probably keeping Ron from hitting his bottom because you're taking care of him, and the business. This will be a process and it could take a while. But it isn't about making you wrong, it's about exploring ways in which your loving and devoted care might be keeping Ron functional enough to be able to keep drinking, as hard as that might be to hear. Good luck!

Heather Knits said...

I am open to the idea. I'm pretty sure someone from the group could give me a ride if it came to that.

At the end of it, like a lot of commenters have said, Ron is TERRIFIED I will leave him. Even at his worst he knows I would, quite literally, drop a nuclear bomb on his life if I did so.

I believe Ron would be afraid they would talk me into leaving him.

Before, I called it "the caregiver group" - technically accurate. Like Clan of the Cave Bear, I can refrain from telling all.

I would really need to think about it. I do have the blog, and some message boards for support.

The problem with "keeping Ron functional" is that MY business, quite literally, is tied up in him. The business is in his name, it has to be, but it's my baby. I've given 14 years of my working life to the thing. Yeah, I could just walk off when we have a delivery coming and Ron's too drunk to work, but then I have customers yelling at me all week, AND a very pissed off sandwich company (I did that once). Instead, I have found the prudent thing for me to take a cab to work and run the business on my own. Our supervisor knows Ron is an alcoholic, and even made comments to that effect. Ron was showing up at work DRUNK wearing filthy clothes, stinking of alcohol, and no one said a thing. I certainly wasn't helping him then!

Outside of that I do the things I would do for him if he weren't drinking, shopping, cleaning, etc., because he is crippled.

Anonymous said...

he needs in patient treatment. and detox
and you need alanon badly BADLY

so very sorry you have to put up with this, there are tools and you can save him. but only by drastic patient intervention. He is a sick sick man you have there. and this is something you guys need to stop. or he will die on your floor one night.

Heather Knits said...

I know that. I know Ron is killing himself. However, he is legally able to make his own decisions, refuses to admit he has a problem, and denies he needs help.

God has to fish-slap him with all this, somehow, someway. Ron WILL NOT RECEIVE IT FROM ME. He will not receive it from anyone else.

In fact, an alcoholic friend of his was not drinking - Ron talked him into starting up again because "You can handle a little, you just need to stop sooner". The guy ended up getting a DUI and losing his license thanks to Ron's bad advice - because Ron can't understand that alcoholics cannot drink, ever.

When I mentioned I had signed Ron up for "Intervention" - and they wanted him... Ron said, quote "I would have let you walk out of my life before admitting I was an alcoholic". He was, and still is, willing to risk everything - his marriage, his health, my health, for alcohol. He will give EVERYTHING up, at this point, before he gives up alcohol.

Heather Knits said...

I have shown him videos of his own, disgusting, behavior during blackouts. "Made" him clean up messes he made. Showed him damage he caused - nothing penetrates his wall of denial. Not even seeing the damage he's done to himself when he falls.

The squares

I woke up in the middle of the night, to the sound of Ron coughing, again and again.  And again.  And again.  I finally got up to offer him ...