Saturday, January 17, 2015

Addicted Jackass

Well, no noise last night.  I still had an awful time falling asleep. 

If I had to guess, maybe they gave the dog back to the breeder?  Didn't like the yelping anymore than I did?  If it was keeping me up, I'm sure it bothered them, and they're already waking up a couple times a night for the new baby. 

One thing I've learned, sleep deprivation really is a cruel torture. 

I'm not calling it "done" for a couple days though.  Ron mentioned they might have been dogsitting.  Possible, but I would be pretty ticked if you left my puppy out in the cold and rain for a couple nights in a row. 

So, finally blessed sleep.  I was pretty happy about that. 

I did have a "problem" when Torbie came and lay on my pelvis.  I flip back and forth in bed, pretty hard to do with a 15 pound cat on my pelvis!  But I didn't want to disturb her.  I lay in bed, miserable. 

My back was also spasming a little.  I won't be lifting anything for a few days.  The back issue, combined with the cat, was causing a fair amount of discomfort.  I pulled out from under her and slept next to her, but she didn't like that and left. 

Bummer.  But I did sleep pretty well. 

I plan to eat a lot of protein and take it easy, the next few days. 

I was awakened by Ron and his digital recorder.  He thinks, because he can barely hear things, that I can't hear them either.  He got verbally abusive, called me "weird" and "The princess and the pea" because I simply asked him to please listen on headphones.  I didn't tell him to stop; just asked him to listen on headphones.  I used the word please and I was polite. 

I think Ron felt it was a non-issue, I "could have slept through it if I wanted" - it's pretty loud, like touch tones on a landline phone.  I think he also felt I was trying to "dominate and control" him. 

Why would I bother with that?  He just gets abusive if he even perceives me "controlling" him. 

Ugh.  I reminded myself, though, he is cutting way back on the alcohol, and when he does that, he gets mean.  Does that make it OK?  Absolutely not.  It makes him an addicted jackass.  He can't/won't admit he has a problem yet. 

The pattern goes like this: blackout, remorse, vows to stop drinking vodka.  Because vodka's the problem, not all alcohol.  Not Ron. 

He gets very irritable because he isn't getting his "fix".  He overdrinks the "lighter" stuff to compensate.  He decides "It's too expensive to keep drinking this way" and "It makes me piss all night" so he decides he can "go back to vodka".  "Just one sip".  One sip being a half cup at a time, and he forgets how many he's had. 

One night he "accidentally" had 3 "sips" (he had told me he would keep it to two or less, but I've seen him drinking far more than that on a regular basis).  He came to me and apologized in advance, he was going to have a terrible blackout, because he had "that third sip". 

I wanted to tell him he was drinking, on average, 8 shots a night, I didn't think 3/4 his normal total would be an issue.   I just said we'd see and of course he didn't.  He had the blackout a couple nights later. 

He's been going through a half gallon every week or so, as near as I can tell.  That's not counting "Uncle Dick's Margarita Mix" - already premixed.  He has that also "because I like the taste". 

I do make the occasional rude joke about Ron wanting some *ick. 

I've seen all this come out of the alcohol - all the abuse, so I think a lot of it stems from his addiction.  It does not excuse verbal abuse in any fashion.  It doesn't make it OK.

I'm the only one who has stuck around - over 22 years of blackouts, falling on the floor, haranguing me all night long, verbal abuse, cheating, sacrificed my career to help him run his business (all my coworkers thought I was an idiot), stuck with him after the accident (I never say this to Ron, any of it) - when everyone was telling me to run like hell, and sometimes I think I should have, do all the heavy labor so he has a job, business, and home - and I get treated like this?  

He will never find anyone who'll do more for him than me.  He should be on his knees thanking God for me every day.   

Do I want that?  No.  It's more what I don't want.  I don't want verbal abuse and tantrums because I need to sleep!  At 6 AM on a Saturday! 

God, I never thought I'd marry an alcoholic.  When Ron and I were dating, he said "He didn't drink at all" (I think now because he was very poor and literally couldn't afford it, I also think he didn't have anyone to take him to the liquor store) and "had some bad experiences with alcoholics, so he hated people who abused alcohol."  I believed it.  I was 17, insane, and "very naive" per a school report.  

It's funny though.  One thing he'll do when he's being abusive: you wanted a ride?  Well, I'm cancelling it!  You don't get to go on your outing! 

This is why I live on a bus line - and always will.  Good luck making me suffer.   I don't need "your" ride, I can take a cab, or the bus. 

Yesterday he had a huge craving to go out and do things this weekend.  He made several trips.  He cancelled all of them today to "punish" me for objecting to his digital player noise. 

So, now he's got nothing to do. 

After I do my workout (down a total of 25 pounds from summer/fall last year), shower, and God Time, I plan to hit the road. 

Let him stew in his own juice. 

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