Thursday, January 8, 2015

Absolutely terrible

Oh, that was absolutely terrible. 

On rare occasion, I get these.  I believe I get them from literally choking back some of the things I'd like to say - which is why I find my online outlets so important. 

I had recently spilled my guts on a message board I feel will be supportive.  I was having some doubts.  Ron started with "the usual" rants and raves about God, etc.  I get SO SICK of hearing it. 

Suddenly the pain started.  It's just what you'd think - extremely painful spasms.  Some of Ron's responses when I let him know I was in trouble:
1.  Don't turn off the heater.  (the hot air coming from the vents was smothering me)
2.  Is that all? 
3.  Go ahead and vomit already. 
4.  Boy you love to create drama, don't you? 

"I bet you're going to put that in the blog" - yes, I'm OK with that, although he said it cruelly. 

What a jackass! 

I just saved him 10K emergency room visit!  I practiced very slow breathing and went outside for some cold air, which helped.  I had some nasty anxiety too, but I told myself I just had bad brain chemistry and I was fine. 

Worst of all, I had already taken my pills!  I had to finish eating that hamburger and glass of milk, or I would have had a spectacularly awful evening. 

I really felt, at the end, as though I'd vomit, so I sat down on the bed, holding my bucket.  By this time I had let Ron know I was in distress.  I didn't vomit, good thing since I just took my meds, but the worst of it passed. 

Once I felt better I let Ron know (see, I'm not going to leave him hanging) and went back to my hamburger.  A few times I haven't had enough food along with my meds.  It was horrible, like getting stabbed again and again, in my stomach.  I had to risk another spasm attack. 

I have been fine, although I'm not in a hurry to eat or drink anything else.  Ugh. 

Anyway, a pretty typical day off.  I got up, didn't understand the pickup time so I didn't do my God Time.  I also had a vicious headache.  I took some generic Excedrin. 

We went to Walmart.  I must have looked pretty "special", people kept offering to help me and smiling at me in a gentle way generally reserved for the "limited".  I was very foggy, mentally.  I got what I needed (some workout shoes, men's 9W, and splurged on some $5 insoles).  I got Ron some things and bought myself the notebook I really wanted, a sparkly turquoise hardback journal.  I plan to use that for my food log.  I also got a smaller notebook I can stick in my pocket. My 2015 Calorie Counter guide is inbound from Amazon. 

Ron just tried to make blog suggestions.  I don't tell him how to live his life.  UGH. 

I'm surprised I haven't had a stroke! 

Ron just told me he's going to get online and find a "Woman that really loves him".  Good luck with that.  I'm not teaching her how to operate the vending machines!   I just ignored him, though. 

If he is as lonely as he claims, he only has himself to blame: his only topics of conversation, the same old repetitive "Why is God taking so long, God is a jerk" etc.  When he's not doing that he's telling everyone that reality isn't real, etc.  Whenever someone is happy or satisfied "Nothing exists".  When he's home, he's nearly always drunk.  His "old friends" stopped taking his calls years ago because he was so offensive and negative.  Even his highly codependent ex girlfriend (whom he was involved with when he met me, but he lied and said they were not) doesn't take his calls anymore. 

Shouting at me now because I "put the zippers wrong on the backpack".   I load and unload truckloads of merchandise, then get them into storage and stock them.  You're going to shout over a zipper? 

Oh, he reeks of alcohol.  Now he's telling me to "Go sleep outside" because I can't tell him the forecast low for tonight.  Huh? 

You know, I have thought of that.  A hotel, a decent one around here, would run over $100 a night.  The ones nearest the house have bonus bedbugs, roaches, and really creepy neighbors. 

So... I am thinking.  I just bought a sleeping bag.  I need to waterproof it of course (when I don't have a headache!), and buy a mosquito net, maybe a folding pad. 

But, I could sleep in the backyard.  We have a privacy fence.  I could come in to use the bathroom. 

Really, really, sad I even have to consider this. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I have considered it as well Heather I love you and know you are going through hell with this man …please go to an ALANON group or take a walk and call alanon and see if you can get a phone sponsor to talk to you on the phone. there is so much you can get from someone who has walked in your shoes..felt trapped in your shoes..please just give them a call and start talking
love you very much

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