My life is full of wierdness

But wait, there's more!  The wierdness of my day had only begun with the Barkappotamous.  I do wonder what set her off, normally she's pretty quiet. 

It wasn't Bubba.  He was being Cuddlecat, sleeping by my feet.  He loves to sleep with me now.  [shrug] 

I had planned to get up at 6, but reset the alarm to 8.  I did sleep pretty well, when I finally could. 

What I have seen next door has conclusively proved to me that I never want a dog in my life.  Cats are far easier. 

I woke up, did part of my God Time.  I had tea instead of my usual trough of diet soda.   Note that.  I did some chores, like cleaning the toilet. 

I am tired of the neausea, heartburn, erratic blood sugar, and all with the aspartame.  I had a very small snack, and brought my medication when Chuck showed up. 

Ever noticed, when someone comes over, they always want to use the toilet?  I had a Metrolift driver DEMAND to use it once, and I said no.  I didn't know her; and if I'd called in that she tried that she would have been fired.  Then she gossiped to us about several other clients, so I figured she had tried to "get in" so she could have some fresh gossip grist. 

My motto is: if they'll talk TO me, about someone; they'll talk ABOUT me, to someone.  I'm working on gossip issues myself; I get it.  But I don't feed it. 

Oh, and before you feel sorry for her, she passed several dozen public restrooms to get to my house, from the previous pickup.  She wanted to use MY bathroom, not A bathroom. 

[shrug]  My life, is full of wierdness. 

Chuck arrived, did not use the bathroom and we left.  I couldn't find my cell phone, and had to fill up my water bottle.  I took it with me, because the guys were going to leave me so I could start my Day Out. 

We went to a Denny's.  Bacon fest.  It was good!  Everyone loved their meal.  I had a single, diet soda. 

I realized I had forgotten to bring my cash.  I had to ask Ron, in front of Chuck, if I could borrow $40 until I got home.  He grumbled but he knew I always pay him back (and did). 

When I started walking, I was fine, but as I kept going I realized my mood was going to a very dark and awful place.  First I started thinking about everything "wrong" in my life; brooding on the dog, and Ron's drinking.  Worrying about money. 

So far, we're in the acceptable paramenters.  However, after I got to the mega-grocery store I realized I was getting into a hideous, mixed, suicidal mood. 

"In the context of mental disorder, a mixed state (also known as dysphoric mania, agitated depression, or a mixed episode) is a condition during which symptoms of mania and depression occur simultaneously (e.g., agitation, anxiety, fatigue, guilt, impulsiveness, irritability, morbid or suicidal ideation, panic, paranoia, pressured speech and rage). Typical examples include tearfulness during a manic episode or racing thoughts during a depressive episode. One may also feel incredibly frustrated or be prone to fits of rage in this state, since one may feel like a failure and at the same time have a flight of ideas. Mixed states are often the most dangerous period of mood disorders, during which substance abuse, panic disorder, suicide attempts, and other complications increase greatly."   Source

The article also goes on to say, that lithium is the best for this.  Anyway, I was really freaking out.  I was finding no joy in my Day Out and realized I was about at the point for a hospital. 

One thing about me: I'm smart enough to ask for help.  When I need help, I ask.  I will say exactly what is going on.  I was overrun in Bad Thoughts of killing myself, and ways to do it. 

I was almost in tears, and about to walk out of the store, to the bus, and the hospital.  I began praying desperately for God's guidance... and it hit me. 

I HAD ONLY HAD ONE DIET SODA.  [scoff]  Could that be it?  I drank a 20 ounce bottle of diet pop, with a quick boot back to my "normal" mood. 

How horrifying.  Aspartame is such a nasty, evil, thing - that withdrawing too fast could cause me to get SUICIDAL?   Obviously, I will taper more slowly now, but I am scared to death of ever putting another diet soda in my mouth. 

I expected headaches, nausea, et al.  I thought I might get a little tired or manic.  I didn't expect this. 

Scared me stupid!