Driven, against my will

Horrendously queasy today.  UGH.  I'm glad my illness is so severe, trust me, it takes severe medication to tame it. 

One thing I don't understand, people who say "Oh, just take something else".  Um.  NO.  I probably talk the most about it, here.  Needless to say, it was a horror movie in my brain. 

I recently corresponded with someone who had a brief episode of weirdness, and they found it deeply and profoundly disturbing that they didn't feel in control of their brain, for about a minute, and dreaded a reoccurance.  It gave me a really good insight into the "normal" mind. 

Now envision never feeling in control of your brain; it's the hostage of the illness.  Today, my illness would have had me depressed and non-functional.  Yeah, I still need to do the dishes, but my husband and I are clean, wearing clean clothes, and I could let a handyman in without worrying.  Othertimes it was like being given some kind of hideous stimulant; I couldn't slow down, couldn't rest, couldn't BE.  I was compelled to go-go-go.  Driven, against my will. 

"An Unquiet Mind" covers this in some detail.  Needless to say, when I first got my lithium (sorry for mispellings today), I knew, KNEW with every atom of my being, that I NEEDED THIS STUFF more than anything I had ever encountered in my life.  Ron was very worried - I was kind of a zombie at first, and I remember reassuring him "I need this - I can tell it is working". 

I also had plenty of time to think about medication.  I was diagnosed on September 1, 2006.  The evaluator (I was depressed) said I wasn't a suicide risk, I was bipolar, and go to the county clinic.  Well, I did that.  It didn't go well, but I got processed.  Then they said "We don't know how long it will take to get you evaluated, if you get suicidal or homicidal call 911".  How comforting. 

I remember, my evaluator at the clinic was deeply concerned.  It was obvious to me she didn't want to send me home.  I was really, really, sick at the time, so I must have been a royal mess. 

So, they sent me home with no meds.  I am flying all over the place, completely nonfunctional, horrible mixed epsisodes.  I consoled myself be doing research.  I read about symptoms, and realized I was type one, psychotic, rapid cycling.  I learned about medication, and side effects, and realized I'd really prefer to start with lithium. 

So, when I went in I asked for it, and the minute I got the bottle in my hand I took it.  I read a lot about people with my illness "restarting" medication, going off medication, drinking, and having meltdowns.  I think I am somewhat unusual - I am completely dedicated to my medication, even if it one day kills me. 

I can live with the nausea; because I WANT to live now.