I wouldn't help you either

If I did a video blog right now, it would be a real eyeful. 

First, my moods are about normal.  I am back to my before I cut back soda levels. 

I had a weird, post traumatic, dream last night - preRondays.  I still have nightmares I am back there. 

Let's set the scene, the lawnmower is broken.  Lots of drunken shouting, beating on the lawnmower, and attempted repairs on same, in the house.  I needed to sweep the tiles; now I REALLY need to. 

Then we segue to Ron shouting at me angrily and calling me names.  He was entitled.  He asked me to find him a tool and I didn't!  How dare I fail to serve him!  I told him "One more word and you can work by yourself tomorrow, I will walk out this door in a minute".  He shut up. 

I took a shower, when I came out he was shouting a variation of "Why me" at God.  I told him, you treat me like crap, drink yourself stupid every day, and you mess with that chat line [I was cruder and far more profane].  You give God the finger most of the time, and now you want help?  If I were God I wouldn't help you either. 

I finished with calling him a hypocrite.  Which I may be to some extent. 

One thing that bugs me, my local contact is always all "Oh, poor Ron!  He's in PAIN!"  I want to say, fine, you move in with him and when he has called you a useless bitch,  and run you down every day of the year, then we can talk about HIS pain. 

UGH.  Glad I did get back to drinking the sodas again. 

Actually, mood-wise, other than the nightmare, and the Barkappotamous going off at 1 AM, it was a pretty good day.  I got up late, flaked on my God Time - boy do I need it. 

We got picked up and they rode us around for quite a while.  One of the other clients is a single man, and very lonely.  Ron got really aggravated I was talking to him.  Not jealous, he doesn't think I'd ever leave him. 

And I wouldn't leave him for another man; so he's right on that count.  He found the man's voice "annoying" so he kept asking me questions until the other man shut up. 

Ah, here he comes.  Shouting at God all the way.  I really think he has to look at what he's doing; he has himself out of the Safety Zone.  The way I see it, by doing my best to keep the 10 commandments; I put yourself in a safety zone.  If you step out of that zone; coveting, stealing, whatever... then Bad Things have a lot more freedom to attack.  And God isn't going to intervene because YOU put YOURSELF in that location. 

It's not necessarily Biblical but I have a very strong feeling about this.  One reason I do my best to try to have a gentle, loving spirit.  Yes, I need to get all the intensity out of my system when I have a day like today, but I can't carry it around and brood on it. 

I would end up in a very bad place mentally if I did.  So I do my best to dump it and move on. 

I also find it interesting, that as Ron gets hateful to me, more men pay me attention.  I expect that one. 

I did have what could be termed an emotional affair back in 2000.  I moved, and asked Ron to stay in California.  Ron basically invited himself along, and I wasn't strong enough to say "I don't want you in my life".  Boy, if I'd known, I woudln't have had that problem!   He had 2 affairs with co workers; and lied about them. 

Can I say it?  The most offensive to me, one of them was a real skank.... I was horrified he did that with her. 

He is pretty drunk.  If he tries to mow the yard.... he's mowing. 

Obviously this will require an update, later. 

So, I met the nicest guy at work.  Everything I wanted from Ron; was in this man.  I didn't leave Ron for him.  Sure wanted to. 

Every now and then the devil throws another nice, attentive man my way.  One who is understanding and compassionate and sensitive, who would never, ever even think of calling me "The Usual".