The sweet and cuddly Heather I used to be

I didn't sleep well last night.  Ron was verbally abusive. 

His "thing" if you can call it that, is that I "fail" somehow and therefore "deserve" it.  If he feels hurt (often), or that I'm acting "stupid", then he can unleash anything in his arsenal. 

I actually told him today: I can only believe you love me for so long.  One too many "Stupid f*ucking b*tches" and I stop believing in your "love".   I didn't say this, but it's like the Bible says: blessing and cursing cannot proceed out of the same mouth.  Pretty soon I stop hearing it because it's so hateful and I stop hearing anything you say.  Before I stop valuing anything you say. 

This is what he doesn't get.  I'll "take" it, but I'll put up walls, and I'll stop hearing you.  Suddenly I'm not the sweet and cuddly Heather I used to be.  Duty and loyalty have replaced love and affection, and I wonder sometimes what I ever saw in him. 

Ron, that's a real bad place to be in your marriage.  He should be sweating bullets and worried sick. 

Thank God I am very leery of other men.  I don't want to be a cheater.  I won't be a cheater.   

His answer to what I was able to convey (not much because he freaks out, goes into shouting mode, and starts cursing at me) "What do you want?" 

Huh? 

"If I could buy anything for you, what would you want?"  Well, the only thing I can think of are some new hoses for the washer.  The cut off valves for them still work (I checked today), so we can just turn them off, attach the new hoses, and turn them on again.  I just have to make sure they are connected correctly because I think they are reversed. 

Rubber hoses can burst and I really try to avoid drama at all costs in my life. 

Ron was happy to hear about this.  Good, a project. 

I also mentioned the cut off valve for the refrigerator ice maker water line, which is currently frozen in the "on" position.  So far, not a problem.  Could be a big problem one day.  Worst case I will pay to fix that out of my own money. 

I don't want to eat up our savings on home repair if I can avoid it, and the fridge has already cost us $350. 

Ron wasn't worried about the water line, but did agree to help me fix the washing machine hoses.  That isn't what makes me love him.  He doesn't get that. 

I love him when I see him lying in bed with my cat, and the cat is so very happy, he's petting her, she's slitting her eyes at me and purring.  That makes me love him.  Not what he buys. 

I really love him when I make a mistake and he is kind about it, instead of giving me the usual tirade and name calling.  I love him when he makes an effort to go somewhere with me instead of languishing at home in bed. 

A couple times recently Ron has basically thrown me at our friend and driver.  "Go shop for refrigerators with him"  "Go do this with him".  "Go to Walmart with him".  It's like he wants me to act as though I'm married to the other guy, while still living with, and working for, him.  I don't get that at all. 

I know he has a "script" about women leaving him and I can see how it could start.  Verbal abuse, push her at another man, then act all shocked and angry when she connects to him. 

While I like this guy, appreciate his efforts to help us, and respect him, I have no romantic interest in him.  None at all. 

Outside of work, I have very limited interaction with other men.  At work, it's all business.  The other vendor's guys, the customers, management, I have strict scripts for all of those roles. 

Outside of work can be vaguer, so I tend to hold back more.  With FAS, bipolar, and the parenting I got, "normal" is often a baffling struggle. 

Anyway, I got up early.  Biscuit got in my lap and did his adorable thing.  He was so cute and he even let me hug him.  I gave him his num-num and took my shower.  I had a headache.  Ron was adamant, he wasn't going to Walmart. 

He threw money at me and told me to take a cab, then arranged for our driver to pick me up, because cabs hate Walmart pickups. 

I got there early.  In Houston, it seems, in my area at least, I have two flavors of cab drivers, the muslim, or the African.  Sometimes both.  Today it was a muslim guy but he was nice enough.  Not super chatty but that was fine. 

All morning at Walmart, I kept hearing people ask about Ron.  I said his arthritis was bad so he stayed home.  They seemed to miss "us".  We can be pretty cute with him in the kiddie cart, and I find it fun, but Ron doesn't anymore, apparently, and stayed home with Torbie. 

He sent me an angry text saying he knew I wouldn't give the driver money for alcohol.  I called him back, laughing, a while later.  "You know better, Ron.  You know I would never do that."  I guess God kind of laid it on me to make it a joke.  Ron did laugh and whine at the same time. 

I just don't see why any single person needs four bottles (big ones) of vodka all at one time.  Maybe he is trying to save on "cab fare".  The driver took Ron's discount card and even queried about case prices.  I wanted to tell him he is playing with fire.  Ron drinking is not a safe thing. 

 Recently, I was relating (upon request), Ron's behavior while drunk.  "Why didn't you help me off the floor?" he asked.  "Because you hit me" I replied. 

For once, he had no response.  He asked me how many times I had tried to help him, and been attacked.  "Several". 

"Oh, well, leave me alone then."  Yeah, I don't need someone to tell me to do that. 

So I did my shopping (heavy on the cat food, light on the people food), bought some drink mix, etc.  I checked out. 

I was in line for the bank when Ron told me he had invited the handyman over to fix the door leading to the garage.  At some point, this door was kicked in.  I may take a photo to show you.  It was glued back together but has always had problems closing. 

I made my deposit and went back into the store to buy some drinks and snacks for the handyman. 

Then I got something to eat - I didn't eat it, I just got it to eat later.  I ate half a sausage biscuit while waiting on the driver to show up and then I loaded the truck. 

The cat litter wasn't as much of a problem as the Gatorade.  That was heavy.  Canned cat food, no big deal, Vet would be so proud of me for feeding them canned (even though they don't eat a lot). 

We got home, I unloaded and put the drinks in the fridge.  Which is still working, by the way.  I am suspicious, though.  I keep expecting trouble. 

No time for a nap today, but that may work out OK because I have to get up at 2 AM for work tomorrow.  Hopefully I will be tired enough to "conk out" and get a good rest. 

Greg (the handyman) came out and did his thing with the door.  It wasn't cheap but we have a new door and it wasn't much trouble to hang.  He took all the old trim off and got a prehung door.  Then he just had to shove it into the hole and mount it.  I think.  I am not a door installation expert. 

He will also work on the gate, tomorrow.  Good.  That will get the homeowner's association off our backs.  I don't want to get into their bad graces. 

I just pray I can get a good night's sleep tonight.  I am running pretty low on my battery. 

I miss Torbie.  She's been sleeping with Ron lately.