Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Why we cope

I'm not a theologian.  I'm an evangelist.  I try to share Someone I don't really understand. 

I just saw something on Facebook: someone talking about how God "Delivered" them from "darkness". 

I couldn't help but think about the darkness in my own life and how I'd like deliverance.  How memes like the one I saw could do a lot of harm to believers and unreached. 

Sometimes God does deliver people. I was delivered from abusive "mothering" at an early age. 

I was delivered from complex, mind-bending, head games at an older age. 

I have, for now, been delivered from Ron's blackouts.  He is drinking more responsibly, but he sure hasn't been "delivered" from alcohol.  Maybe part of that - he doesn't want to, yet. 

Yet.  I remain hopeful. 

My cats have been delivered from cast-off, thrown-away, disposals to a cushy home life with adoring humans.  Biscuit and Gravy, if you'll recall, were dumped right next to a very busy road and nearly got squashed a few times before I managed to get them into my bag.  Baby Girl was thrown into our yard at a very young age (about 8 weeks) and left to fend for herself.  She was blessed in that Bubba, our existing cat, was a very gentle and accommodating soul who was happy to welcome her to the family.  If he hadn't been OK with her I would have sent her to the shelter. And, of course, Torbie, dumped at the shelter for "allergies" (they never heard of CLARATIN?), scared and traumatized, just wanting a warm lap and a quiet home. 

Well, they have the good life now.  But, in my life, God hasn't worked that way.  He doesn't pluck us up and put us in a better situation. 

He gives me the tools (I hope) to cope with what I have, but he doesn't take the pain away.  He promises to make all things new, and I sure hang onto that. 

The apostle Paul once said if we (Born-again Christians) are wrong, we are the MOST to be pitied because we have truly wasted our lives. 

I didn't tell you this, but recently I had two encounters with the man who ran over Ron.  During the first, he asked me how Ron was doing and I said OK.  The man then told me he was bringing his motorcycle to work and maybe he could give Ron a ride.  I told him Ron would like that.  We knew this would never happen. 

Compare that to my tirades over the years every time I saw the man, I'd go purple and rant for days.  God delivered me from that because I turned my heart to forgiveness and moving on. 

The second encounter, I was coming out of the "big door" at work and nearly ran over him with my handcart (I was running to get sandwiches).  We had a good laugh over that but I think it helped some at work to realize I really can't drive. 

God has not delivered me from my brain damage.  I work around.  I tell myself I don't have all the expenses of a car owner, but just once I'd like to go to Walmart myself, 5 minutes each way, without paying $30 for a round trip.  I'd like to know I could get home, I don't have to wait on a cab to pick up the trip.  I don't have to ride the bus, I can just go. 

But that has yet to happen.  I'm still "stuck" finding my own way around these things. 

I have to take 8 pills a day, that sure hasn't changed.  In fact, I'm taking more now than ever.  Doc was pretty concerned about me today but I told him I was/am "functional".  I know we both understand what that means: I don't need more, yet.  If I do, I will ask. 

God has never delivered me from my illness, which, as I told Ron, is a lot like "Being on LSD and stuck in a bad horror movie you can't escape".  Or, "The worst nightmare you ever had, except you can't wake up".  My favorite: "You could give me two dozen roses and a winning Lotto ticket, and I'd still be depressed." 

Giving God my soul has not made my life easy by any means.  You have seen that!  I think it's deceptive to imply otherwise.  Now, some people are "cured" of problems when they get saved.  I am happy for them.  But, in my experience, the rule is that you are not spared your problems.  You just have other tools to cope. 

I wrote a series of articles called "How We Cope" on the FAS website.  It talked about living with FAS. 

I think this article should be "Why We Cope".  Well, I cope, I keep plugging along and striving to live a righteous life, so that God will be pleased with me.  I know, when I die or am raptured, I will be taken to paradise and my problems instantly solved.  I will see all my lost loved ones, including many cats, including Gravy, Bubba, and my beloved Frosty. 

To be honest, I think I am looking forward to seeing my "lost" cats more than I am looking forward to seeing most of my "lost" humans. 

Love God?  Still have MAJOR issues?  You are not alone.  God knows I'm not alone in this, which is one primary reason I blog. 

We're just coping the best we can, in the hopes of something better one day. 

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are a deeply sweet person.
Heather do you tell the psychiatrist how much stress you are under with Ron? Maybe he could help?

I know you have probably tried the obvious routes, but when i am tanked the simple stuff i should think of leaves my brain.

So glad all is well with Torby! See what a good nurse you are? What if one day a week you went and did something for/with kitties? Just to " shift gears"? And give you something new and fun to learn and do?

Oooxxx

Heather Knits said...

Doc doesn't seem too worried about the exact stressors so much as how I'm handling it. I'm pretty sure he understands I have "a load" of caregiver burnout.

I am proud of myself, I bought some really nice shea butter and goat's milk (affordable, too!) soap last night, that should be coming soon.

I am trying to treat myself if at all possible.

Anonymous said...

I love the smell of Shea butter! good for you I try as well
it is easy to overlook ourselves that is for sure

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