Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Older, wiser, more bitter

Busy day. 

I know it's an interesting one when I'm standing in my kitchen, talking to an ex-Navy repairman as he disassembles my freezer, talking cats. 

I woke up with an awful headache.  I took my shower and did my God Time later. 

I drank 2 Diet Mountain Dews.  I knew we had to do "truck day" in addition to everything else. 

I also took some OTC headache pills.  My hands were shaking all day. 

I went through my cards and picked one out for a newly widowed man at work.  He is a liaison between us and the plant, and gets to "boss us around" as a result.  Things have been a little strained at times, but, dude, his wife just died. 

I didn't have any condolence cards (I think I got rid of them, thinking, "No one ever dies around here"), but I found a "praying for you in hard times" card I felt would work. 

You know what?  It was a lot better than NO card. 

I stuck that in my purse and went to the warehouse.  I forgot my cell phone.  Ron was Not Happy.  I don't know if it's the head injury or what, but he needs to remember what is important.  I forgot my cell phone.  That won't matter tomorrow, much less a year from now. 

I try to save my energy for the big things. 

We just had a "discussion" and I agreed to stow my phone in a different place to make it "easier to remember".  The honest truth, I slept horribly, I woke up with an agonizing headache and horrible depression.  I'm lucky I remembered my bra. 

We went to the warehouse, no water so I got other drinks and a few snacks I needed. 

We went to work.  They were having a "Town Hall meeting".  Productivity is up!  Yeah, team!  Get out of my way!  I had a hell of a time fighting my way through the crowd, unloading my carts, and getting them outside.  Then I loaded them and brought them in. 

They had a huge line of tables blocking access to our stockroom.  It was a very difficult stock.  I was glad when they all left. 

Normally, I am happy to have customers around but I needed a break. 

I wish they had given us more notice about the meeting, so we could have taken pains to avoid it.  I mailed the card. 

We finally finished all that.  For some reason, Ron called our driver to take us home, which meant we could get some fast food on the way home. 

I got home and took a nap, but a short one.  It was unusually satisfying.  I got up around 2, and locked up the cats for the repairman. 

The repairman came around 3.  I could see him checking out the cat and half-marathon photos on my fridge before he got to work.  Ron sat on his walker and "looked pitiful" on command. 

The guy was very nice, very competent, very honest, an ex-Navy guy who had 4 cats of his own.  He told me all about them as he worked.  One of them is semi feral. 

I told him a little about our gang while he worked. 

First thing he told us the other guy did a very poor job.  "He didn't even look on the inside".  He showed us a frozen water line and thawed it.  He did more work. 

It took, it just made ice for the first time in a while. 

He said the cut off valve is "frozen" and will have to be replaced by a plumber.  I would like to do that ASAP but Ron isn't in as much of a hurry. 

Oh, for the old days of apartment living when we just called the office for repairs. 

Ron's been verbally abusive all day, including now.  The way he talks I am - I don't even know.  The worst thing that ever happened to him, I suppose. 

Who takes care of the coffee vending machine? 

He just said I'm "Getting a free ride".  I pay for everything I get and it's completely selfish to say otherwise.  I didn't react because otherwise he will keep throwing it at me ad infinitum. 

He did a bunch of weird psychology crap when we first got together.  He knew just enough to be dangerous.  He "named my depressive behavior" as this "part of my personality" and said "She came out" etc... weird.  Anyway, he was lamenting the fact he never sees [personality name], how "she" was so soft and [vulnerable] and "cried all the time", why can't I be like that again.  I am "tough" and "never cry anymore" (not that he sees) etc.  Basically lamenting the loss of control of this "so called personality". 

What kind of man says "I want you to cry all the time like you used to [because you were depressed, weak and easily manipulated]"?

By the way, I have NEVER been diagnosed with multiple personalities.  He just basically "created" personalities out of single emotions.  I am happy so I am "___"  I am sad so I am "the one he was missing", etc.  He was also very into "transactional Analysis" which basically broke the human personality into 5 parts.  So, each part had to have a name, as far as Ron was concerned, etc. 

Just a bunch of, as I said, really weird crap.  If I had had any other option at the time, I would have taken it.  It was all about the manipulation and control of Heather. 

Now I'm older, wiser, and more bitter.  I don't fall for cheap manipulations like [eye roll, sigh]  "What's wrong?"  "It doesn't matter, you wouldn't care."  These days I don't even respond to the eye roll and sigh. 

Ron told me, when we got together, I was "so great" because "I wasn't bitter" (and clever) like older women (in their 30's).  I see what he meant, now.  He wanted someone he could feel superior to, someone he could manipulate and control. 

I'm not that person anymore.  My illness, his drinking, and his accident have forged a very different person.  I think I am the better for it.  I need to work more at forgiveness, if anything. 

I'm just feeling tired and unappreciated because I did all this, this whole horrible day, with a nasty headache and all he said to that was "Good!" joking, of course. 

Who jokes about that? 

I'm not asking him to cancel everything, just don't call me a bitch today. 

Please. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I hear you Heather I empathise so much
you make sure "you do you" this week please once a week you need something to make this worth it in real life
this week? I put my foot down and stayed in bed all day yesterday eating and reading...it was hard to do but I told "him" to "fend" and he acutally did not do badly so today I am back to myself and cooking dinner but wow ...they can be asses I am looking online for an Aspergers spouse group ..if you get bored look up Aspergers and anger..when he lashes it is from a different place but holy shit it is narcissict rage if you only look at his anger you would see that ..but when you look at him on good days he is a lovable nerd ...we cant win for loosing just saying ..so I am doing DBT therapy and seeing a therapist now myself (i think I told you this) going on 4 weeks that is a record for me I have never been to a therapist more than one time ..it is painful hard but I am desperate

sending you strength and love

OOOXXX

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