Hopeful

I'm running depressed but I'm still pretty functional. 

I'm debating, for instance, how to "do up" my pills.  I have a weekly organizer.  I also have an incoming supplement shipment.  Do I wait for the supplements and then do up?  Or do I do up a few days tonight?  Probably the latter, I think. 

I'm generally not super functional at pill time, so I need to have it done up and ready for ingestion. 

A good example of the new normal: we went to the wholesale club.  Even after talking to Ron twice while shopping, I still forgot the bottled water.  I had to go back and do a second transaction.  Ron was very nice about it. 

When I get "foggy" he tends to get amused; which is better than anger at God or frustration with me.  It's still hard not to feel like he's laughing at me.  He swears he isn't; I believe him. 

My "problem" seems to have resolved pretty nicely.  I used "free" laundry detergent on everything that'll touch the affected area.  Then I also used some coconut oil on the appropriate area.  I think I'm just having a hormonal sensitivity.  I can probably go back to my usual routine in a week or two. 

I couldn't help but think, what if I did have cancer?  I don't.  I am at a higher than average chance, though, due to the antipsychotics.  I probably need to worry more about seizures and heart trouble.  Seizures, because a first degree relative had them, also a more distant relative.  Heart attacks' probably the biggest risk: both parents had severe heart disease.  My grandfather died of cardiovascular disease.  I'm "obese".  [raised eyebrow] 

Would I have any regrets if I dropped dead after posting this?  Not really.  Back in 2000, I had a boss who asked my point-blank if I believed Jesus was the only way to heaven.  I waffled.  I regret that. 

Anything else?  I regret I wasn't kinder to some people.  I feel like I could have been a better, Christian, role model to them. 

Is there anything I'd say 'No, God!  I can't go yet because I ___"?  No. 

I remember talking to one driver.  He said he didn't want to die yet because he hadn't done anything "meaningful".  I asked him what that meant. 

To him, it meant owning a hotel, having a lot of money and power.  Owning an empire of group homes for the developmentally delayed.  I don't think that's what God had planned for his life.   He didn't realize that God was likely using him more in his current position than He could anywhere else. 

My definition of meaninful goes directly back to evangelism: sharing my faith.  Praying for everyone, daily (including and especially you).  Asking God to give you good things, like love, faith, and hope.  That's been the most important work of my life. 

Speaking of, I decided to get the hats for the handout.  I'll be ordering them shortly.  My vitamins shipped, I should see them pretty soon.  I'm not sure about the cat treats, but a lot of companies don't send the email until I've already got it in my hand. 

After the hats, I might have a little money left for a few songs, and that's it for the fun money.  I didn't spend it on a lot of "fun" stuff, but stuff I do use. 

I am a big fan of oregano oil capsules during cold and flu season.  I just feel better taking it. 

I'm trying to make sure I get a good amount of rest.  I had a good nap last night, but had some trouble falling asleep.  Ron was pretty irked, the party machine started up.  He had to call the police. 

When we were looking for a home, our agent (to my knowledge) did a couple of very unethical things.  I think the worst was trying to persuade us to "rent the house" back to the sellers. 

They sold the house because they didn't want it. 

I'm buying it.  It's my house.  I want to live in it. 

I mentioned this to a friend, a realtor (I did not have a realtor, just an agent).  She was horrified. "Heather!" she told me "If you rent to them it takes forever to get them out!  They could end up squatting in your house for months while you pay the mortgage!" 

Ron and I told them no, sorry.  He was a handyman at an apartment complex.  We suggested they look into getting a discount apartment at his complex (I know they do that - and that's what he did). 

Might I add, he was a terrible handyman?  He did such a bad job installing the dishwasher it almost electrocuted me one day. 

So, we told them no.  Our (supposed to be ours) agent tried to lay a huge guilt trip but we said no, repeated what my friend had said (the agent didn't deny it), and told her we had already given notice on our duplex in crack-town. 

As it turns out, they tried to keep our address on their credit report - I fixed that by saying I would throw out any mail with their name on it.  It was over a year before they were able to apply for another mortgage (I know because the papers came to MY house). 

They would have been living in OUR house for over a year... while we were stuck back in crack-town paying rent and a mortgage. 

I suspect something like this may be going on with #19.  New owners, but same old tenants.  When will they move?  Are they?  Lots of questions.  I remain hopeful they will move in the future. 

Overall we really have a very quiet neighborhood.  We hope to keep it that way. 

I hope these kids (and they're very young, early 20's) are just acting out because they "have" to move.  I hope. 

So, I still slept pretty well.  I tend to have nightmares if I sleep too long - I think it's God's way of getting me out of bed when I'm depressed.  The nightmares are worse than the depression.  [shudder]  If I don't try to remember, they pass pretty quickly once I'm up. 

We didn't go to church for a couple reasons: 1.  We went last week and Ron will only go every  other week.  It's a 5 hour round trip on paratransit so I take what I get.  2.  The speaker was from Gospel for Asia, who's already getting our money.  I felt fine skipping that. 

Instead, we went to the warehouse, and then to work.  I need more pastry (they really like that variety pack), and something else I'm forgetting.  It's on my list, though.  Ron wants more drinks.  We'll go to the warehouse, go to work, stock. 

We'll go in the afternoon.  The other vendor works Monday morning. 

I was pretty horrified when I went in today - they have taken even more of the outside room, which was not in any way "given" to us.  Ron and I are already on the record objecting to this.  We've decided, if someone complains, to give them the number for our supervisor.  If a customer complains, he'll take it "serious". 

I got my handcart out of our little parking spot and got it all done.  I was a little freaked when I saw a customer taking a photo of Ron sitting on the handcart, but she was smiling.  People do find us "cute" when I'm pushing him on the cart, so I guess we're OK.  Worst case someone tells us "Don't ride on the cart". 

Ooh.  I just had a bad scare, I thought I lost the water bill.  Sometimes I worry a future employer might read my posts.  Well, at home, don't ever give me an important paper.  Drama ensues.  Found it. 

I also found out the thing I'd forgotten: munchies.  Munchies is a snack mix of assorted chips and pretzels.  They are very popular.  I even have flaming hot munchies.  Although, today, the best selling snack item was: Cheetos!  The regular kind, not one of the incendiary varieties I also stock. 

When we move, we'll be surrounded by cubicles.  I envision things like veggie chips, sea salt chips, and baked Lays in addition to the usual lineup.  Maybe some Coke Zero. 

In the meantime, we'll hoe our row and keep them laughing.  We put on a little bit of a show, you know that if you've seen our video blogs.