Grey

Black and white.  When looking at my life, and especially Ron's problem, people tend to view it as black or white.  Either Ron is a poor helpless victim, to be coddled (white), or he is a ravening, exploitive, ba#tard and should be tossed like a flat soda.  [shrug]  Of course we know it's both. 

Ron DOES exploit and use me; knowingly.  He is choosing to consume alcohol, regardless of the consequences.  He is a victim, of bad DNA and tragic circumstances.  It's not black, or white, it's grey.

People tend to side one way or the other.  My aunt and uncle are on the white team, and my internet buddies and my sister tend to be on the black team.  A few select posters, my parents, and myself can see it's more complicated. 

So, battling tremendous disappointment and depression.  I was more depressed today.  I seem to run either normal or depressed these days.  I guess that's a good thing.  I slightly miss the old manic energy.  I could do anything when manic.  [sigh]  Just a little bit, and that's the kind of IDIOT thinking that has my bipolar kin and I stopping our pills.  Which I won't. 

I am dead serious when I say I would rather die than go off my medication.  UGH.  It's like being stuck in horror house, or a really bad LSD trip... every minute of my life.  Not whining, just thankful.  I have a very fearful and healthy respect for reality. 

I'll get the ugly over with and then tell you about the fun stuff I did.  Ron tried to use the old charm to get me to go with him to buy more alcohol.  I said no.  I also told him "It makes you look like an alcoholic" - that he buys entire cases at a time.  He said he'd only buy 2 bottles, by himself.  The next time I walked into the room, he was on the phone trying to have SIX put on hold.  They only had 2.  I wonder what he'll do?  I am guessing, buy 4 of something else, cheap and generic. 

He IS going by himself. 

I really think things will come to a head soon; I am guessing a bad fall while drunk, or illness.  You can bet I'll tell you!  Hopefully a complete stranger running the drunk panel on him... and a referral. 

Anyway, I can't let myself stress over that.  I can only choose not to help him; I have.  I have also chosen not to let him upset me. 

This morning we got up early.  I can tell I am running more classically depressed, I had a very hard time getting up, very tired, etc.  Anyway, Chuck came by.  We got some soda for work.  Then we got more soda for work.  I moved probably 800 pounds of soda, several times.  We took it to work, put it in the stockroom, and went home. 

Exhausted, I collapsed and took a nap.  Again, a very hard time getting up.  We went to Burger King.  Ate, came home.  While riding home, we rode with a developmentally disabled guy who was ranting about being asked to clean a bathroom.  I don't get it.  It's a job.  If they are paying me to work, I'm going to work! 

I have mopped up rat blood, dead toads, feline vomit, mulitple species' worth of urine, cleaned many a toilet, and mopped up an entire gallon of mustard accidentally dropped on the floor.  Most recently, I deal with ruptured, leaking, cans of soda and Ron's wheelchair tire tracks through same. 

Like I said, I don't get it.  I believe in WORKING.  I'm not going to do the whole princess routine.  That isn't me. 

Anyway, we came home.  Avoiding the liquor confrontation, I went outside and worked in my garden for a while.  I can't dig, so I spread some more amendments on top; leaves, old dead grass, and shredded bark.  The transplants look great. 

I'll put up some photos now. 

 Rosemary above.  The pot was cracked in transport, but the bed isn't ready yet.  Hence the pot. 

 Above, calendula, pansies, and sweet peas.  I am really glad I got the calendula; the cheerful orange is just what I need. 

 Turn your head, and you can see how I joined 2 garden beds.  The new bed is 4 feet deep by 11 feet long.  That's a whopping 80 square feet for me total.  The blue thing is my rain gauge. 

 More annuals, waiting to be planted when the soil dries a little. 

 Above, collard plant center.  Yes, I am allowing the dandelion to remain in the garden bed.  In my world, a green is a green. 

The rest of the collards, parsley, pineapple sage, and bay. 

I'm seriously considering growing some corn this year.  Ron is horrified, but he won't know unless I tell him.